To my daughter Melanie (July 2024)

  07/07 Chapter 280: If I only knew what I know

Love, I have been very behind on your diary, trying to recall events to write what happened on the correct days, but with that, I got quite lost. So, I practically skipped two weeks of July to try to get the dates right with this diary. But I feel that even though I am writing less daily this year, it seems like the stories are longer and that the 2024 book will be even bigger than two of 2023. And there's no point in writing about a day when almost nothing happened, a day when you threw up, a quiet day without news. The purpose of the diary is to write daily as long as there are new stories to be told. And in those two weeks, there weren’t many stories to be told; otherwise, I would remember them as I remembered all the events of June which I was behind on, but they marked my memory.

What I can say is that you have been sick for a long time, weeks, since the beginning of June you’ve had a cold again, with a cough, and all that concern we have for you. Now it's not even new or something to be told; apparently, it’s the new normal.

As for me and your dad, we are much better, trying to adapt to each other and the way we are raising you so differently. We try to combine our approaches so that it might work out. It is very difficult to raise children when we have such different ideas in mind. This is something I would advise you a lot about when planning to have a life with someone and consequently a family. It's not just professional issues or compatibility, I would say that one of the important things for a relationship to work when having a child is also compatibility in parenting. This is something that isn't often discussed, but it’s as important or even more important than other issues.

It’s important to debate and discuss with the person you’re with and planning to have a child with these parenting issues. This is where your dad and I often disagree and where we argue the most. Exactly about this topic, about your upbringing. So, I give you this tip to have this conversation with the person you’re planning to have a child with in the future because it can be a game-changer.

Your dad and I never even discussed this in depth because your dad really wasn’t thinking about having children with me at that time. But to get into that story in detail, I would need to tell you the whole story, and it’s not time yet, there are many other stories ahead. All I can tell you now is that we didn’t talk about it because we had no plans, but it happened, and the only thing we had in common was your name.

Your name was chosen by me since I was 15 years old. I had heard the name Melanie somewhere and was enchanted by it, and after I started reading the book "The Host" when I was around 16 years old, I was sure that would be your name. And ever since I was very young, I would say on Twitter and to everyone that if I had a daughter in the future, she would definitely be named Melanie.

I always feared not having a daughter and never being able to give this name I love so much to my child. Not just that, but I always dreamed of having a daughter, watching Disney cartoons together, playing with dolls, talking about princesses, talking about relationships, having my best friend forever, which I know you will be. Regarding best friends, I’ve been let down quite a bit, but now I’ve gained something much greater and more meaningful than just a best friend—I’ve gained a daughter too, a confidante, a love for a lifetime, and no one will ever take that from me, from us.

14/07 Chapter 281: Every story has its scars

I decided this weekend to go to my parents' house only on Sunday because on Saturday I wanted to get a tattoo with your dad. I've been wanting to get a tattoo about San Diego, but since your dad is a graphic designer, he managed to create an even better tattoo design. He made a drawing exclusively for me. So not only did he bring my idea to life, but he also enhanced and improved it. He included the palm trees of San Diego, the ocean, the San Diego logo abbreviated as "SD," and then he added a heart to represent when I fell in love with the city. I also met you there, and after getting to know you, I had you, so he added your little feet as a tribute to you. It turned out perfect.

I went to the studio, but in the evening I would have a sales live stream. I wanted to see how it would be to do the sales live on a Friday night to feel out the audience and see if there would be a good turnout because the last time I did it on a Saturday morning it was very successful and the results were very favorable. So, I wanted to see how it would be on a Friday. Your dad scheduled with me at 4:00 PM, and I needed to be home around 7 p.m to get everything ready and start the live stream with Pietra.

And because he was delayed, the tattoo session would start around 5:30 p.m. He was late because he made a promotional video with a studio partner who works with filming. In this video, he asks for three volunteers to get tattooed for free so he can expand his portfolio. And since your dad is not very good with cameras, he would be a terrible actor, actually, haha, something that would be totally easy for me since I did theater for many years and even studied at one of the best acting schools here in São Paulo. I would be in my element. This video delayed things, and he thought that if we started, I wouldn’t be home at the time I planned to do the live stream.

Besides, when he placed the tattoo on my shoulder, I thought it was small. It wasn’t what I had in mind. I wanted something a bit bigger, spanning from the right tip of my arm to the left tip but more front-facing, so the entire tattoo could be seen from the front and not wrap around the back like a bracelet. However, he said that to make it bigger, he would need to redo the print, which would take some time, so there wouldn’t be enough time. So, we scheduled it for the next day, which would be Saturday, today.

But today, my mom couldn’t take care of you because she had a commitment. So, I asked Aunt Rosane if she, Giovanna, and Grandma Sonia could come over to take care of you, and they said yes.

When they arrived, only Giovanna and Aunt Ro came. They said Grandma Sonia couldn’t come because she was busy, as they were going to travel to Caraguatatuba the next day. So, my grandma was handling all the pending things. As soon as they arrived, your dad took about 20 minutes to go to the studio and prepare things, and after about 20 more minutes, I went there. But the tattoo took longer than I thought; it took about 2.5 to 3 hours. I felt sorry for the girls because it’s not easy to spend so much time with you without your mom around, and they also had plans for the evening, so I was afraid of delaying them.

But in the end, everything worked out. I loved my tattoo; it turned out just as I imagined, and they didn’t miss their commitments either.

Now I have my home, my favorite place in the world, marked on my skin, and done by your dad, which makes it all the more special. I am truly in love with my tattoo and think he did an excellent job.

15/07 Chapter 282: Out of sight, out of mind

Today I decided to return to my Instagram after such a long time. Before getting pregnant with you, I had about 900 followers and used the social network a lot, but when I found out I was pregnant, right after your gender reveal party with about three months of pregnancy, I decided to delete Instagram. I decided to delete it because I was very afraid that after posting that I was pregnant and very happy to have a girl, I might end up losing you. I went through this terror and fear my entire pregnancy, and then everyone would know and feel sorry for me. In my mind, the chance of this happening was high, of losing you, so people would pity me, and I didn't want that. Besides, I was also afraid of the evil eye. Nine hundred followers are nine hundred people. I don't even know if I know that many people, probably yes, but many of them I didn't even remember. So there were a lot of people I didn't have contact with who were, for some reason, following me and following my life, my routine, and my stories. This made me a bit worried because I didn't have contact with a lot of people. In fact, I didn't have contact with even half of the people who followed me, so I found this a bit scary, to the point of thinking that maybe someone wished me harm and that perhaps the negative thoughts of someone could indeed affect my pregnancy.

Look, I really don't think the evil eye exists. It's just that there are some things in life that we can't be sure of. No matter how much we want to believe that something exists or doesn't exist, it doesn't make it true. So I thought: why take the risk?

I truly believe that the evil eye doesn't exist, because think about it, if everyone with the evil eye, envy from afar, could actually harm someone, everyone would be in the same boat because there's always someone who envies someone or someone else's things. So I can't imagine how someone's negative thoughts can actually affect someone's life. I believe that if you are happy at least most of the time, with positive thoughts, these people and what they think can't affect you. But I was scared. So I simply decided to delete my Instagram, live a life away from social networks and photos away from the eyes of many people. The closest people with whom I had a lot of affinity would still be in my life and would know things. Now, the people I barely knew or remembered had no reason to be following my life.

It's that old story, right? Out of sight, out of mind. And at that moment, I wanted to stay that way, for people not to remember me, not to talk about me. Because people like to stalk others' lives, talk about others' lives, gossip. I swear I don't. Of course, I like to hear something here and there from people I know, but I never snooped on other people's social networks to see how their lives were going, I don't like it. Neither of my two ex-boyfriends, after we broke up, did I snoop on their social networks or lives to see how they were doing. I never knew where they are, with whom, what they are doing, if they are alive, dead, rich, poor. I knew that social media would not do me any good, and why follow the lives of people who are no longer present in my life, why know about their lives if they are no longer here living with me or present in my life? It doesn't make sense to me. If they are no longer in my life, I shouldn't be interested in their lives either. That's how my brain processes the information about checking other people's social networks, especially those with whom I had a strong relationship in the past and who are no longer present in my life now.

But after the tattoo, I decided to reactivate my account, post my tattoo, say how important it was, and promote your father's work. But with that, I did a cleanup on my social network, I removed practically everyone I no longer had contact with, except for some exceptions like a few friends who were very close in the past and today each followed their own path. I still have a certain affection for them, even though I haven't been in touch for so many years, but these are few exceptions, one or two. Other than that, I deleted everyone who followed me and whom I followed on Instagram, because it didn't make sense to have someone I saw in a restaurant 10 years ago and talked to once, and to see about their life. I don't care about their life. And it didn't make sense for that person to be seeing my life either. So from 900 followers, I ended up with approximately 125, both following and being followed. There were many people I didn't follow back because, as I told you, I didn't know or remember them. But now everyone who is following me, I follow back because they are close people and I care about them, I want to be close in a way even if far, if you understand.

But to be honest, I doubt that I will end up using social media much. I swear to you that I didn't miss anything about Instagram. I think social media has been very good in many aspects, the internet truly teaches, but it's so harmful in others that I don't know if the positives outweigh the negatives.

Anyway, I know that soon I will delete more people and end up adding others, because that's how life is, we drift apart from people for various reasons, often due to life itself where everyone goes their separate ways, and we lose touch. And we meet other people who are also special. As I told you, life is an eternal train, each person gets off at a station. And others get on. Until it's your turn to get off at one of the stations. But the train never stops

18/07 Chapter 283: Caught in the middle

I forgot to tell you about the gossip that happened in our condo last week, which is turning into a snowball this week and will continue to escalate for who knows how long. Marquinhos' mom, Marta, who lives on the ninth floor, received a fine of over R$1400 on the day of the Junina party here in the condo for everyone. It was clearly meant to scare them and signal that they were not welcome at the party. For those who understand, a word is enough. The condo manager left the fine under the door, which already shows signs of wrongdoing. Leaving a fine under the door is not a nice thing to do, especially on the day of a condo party that is for everyone - or at least it should be. So, his mom called me crying, desperate, and horrified, telling me the story. It hurt my soul so much that I decided to throw in the towel and stop being complicit because people who stay quiet and don't help others when they see something wrong end up being complicit in a way. So I decided to let go of this good neighborliness and ask my dad for help. Your grandfather likes Marquinhos a lot, and he was the one who asked to invite him to your first birthday party at the apartment.

So I asked if he could help them. At first, my dad was a bit resistant, saying it would be better to raise some money to help her pay the fine, but we convinced him eventually. It's not that my dad doesn't want to help, but he is very reluctant to deal with legal processes and that kind of thing. Since the airplane incident we had in Orlando, he only pursued the case because he was very angry about what happened, really angry; otherwise, he would have let it go. He prefers not to make money than to deal with legal processes. Although he is a lawyer, his area of specialization is the military police. So, he focuses all his energy on that area and those clients.

But my dad can't say no when his daughter asks for help, especially since he likes Marquinhos. He said he would help and sent an email to the condo demanding a few things and giving a 48-hour deadline. Let's see what happens.

I can't understand how people can mistreat others, whether due to disability, race... It doesn't make sense to me. Doesn't he understand that Marquinhos has a disability? He treats him like an adult when his mind doesn't function like an adult's. So, I can't understand what's going on in our neighbor's mind. Is he really a bad person, prejudiced, or just too ignorant to understand how a disability works?

All I know is that I hope I don't have to interact much with our neighbor anymore because I know the atmosphere will be very uncomfortable. Imagine, being his next-door neighbor while my dad is suing him. It's awkward. But sometimes, we can't stay silent and avoid confrontations. That's a big problem for me; I hate confrontations and avoid them as much as possible. But I can't hold back when I see someone being mistreated, especially someone in his situation, who needs defense and can't defend himself. So let's hope that my dad can at least get the fine canceled so his mom doesn't have to bear that cost, as they are simple and poor people. But one thing I can tell you: when my dad, your grandpa, enters a fight, he doesn't enter to lose.

19/07 Chapter 284: You begin to wonder why you came

Today we took you to Dr. Jorge (we didn't take you to Dr. Humberto because unfortunately, Dr. Humberto doesn't work on Fridays), and we took you urgently because we noticed your cough was quite bad, and we were worried you might have phlegm in your lungs. So, to be sure, we took you, and indeed you had a little phlegm in your lungs.

This would be the third or fourth time I took you to Dr. Jorge. I remember your father before him really liked Dr. Humberto, but he also liked Dr. Jorge. After all, the two times I went with your father to Dr. Jorge, he was very nice. So I was surprised when my mother and sister told me that when they took your cousin Rafinha there as a newborn, they were shocked by how rude he was. He had scheduled an appointment with them, and they were five minutes late, and they said he got very angry and said that lateness was not allowed. Not only that, but he deducted their lateness from the consultation time, and the consultation didn’t even last 20 minutes. Usually, when a doctor sees a newborn for the first visit, the consultation time ranges from 40 minutes to an hour. Even Dr. Sérgio, who is a friend of Dr. Jorge, who I have taken you to, is a bit rude but still saw us for longer.

But when your father and I took you to Dr. Jorge, he was all smiles, and I can testify to that. The second time as well, I don't know if he was very nice because your father is a foreigner, because some people, for some reason, when they see a foreigner, they get all excited. They want to please, chat, as if it's something out of this world to see a foreigner. They chatted about Europe, Stan even said that if he ever wanted to, he could invite him to Spain, and he got excited, so maybe he was nice for that reason. I can’t say for sure.

What I can say is that the times we went there, we thought he was a good and a nice doctor. However, when we arrived at Dr. Jorge's office, to my surprise, he treated us very poorly that day. For starters, I’m not one to be late and I wasn't late, especially knowing that he is a doctor who doesn't allow lateness. But what irritated him was that you were eating a piece of banana when we arrived. You were already finishing your banana, eating the last piece, and yet he made us take the last piece out of your hand and mouth, go to the bathroom, wash you and your hands, and that made me furious. What kind of doctor makes a mother take food out of a child’s mouth? We could have just wiped you with a wet wipe right after you finished, you were almost done, it was the last piece. And from then on, he treated us with a stern face, no sympathy, no enthusiasm, and the worst of all, I had already mentioned to him and mentioned again that you were under treatment with Dr. Bernardo, and everything I asked him, for example if I could still keep you on soy milk instead of coconut milk, he would respond: talk to her doctor, the pulmonologist. Damn, I’m paying for a consultation with him, it’s his duty to answer me and guide me since I’m paying for a consultation with him and not with Dr. Bernardo. The third time he said that, I replied that I wasn't going to consult with your doctor because his consultation fee was R$680 and you only saw him for injections and not for questions. And then he ended up answering, but in a curt way. Rude. I pay for a consultation to get medical guidance and he tells me to consult another doctor with my questions? I’ve never seen that in my life. One thing I guarantee, he will never see you again because to me a doctor who acts like that is not a doctor. He may have the title of a doctor but doesn’t behave like one. And I’ll tell you more, Dr. Jorge was my doctor, my pediatrician when I was little, maybe it’s time for him to retire.

A profession should be chosen with love. Even if you don't love or are passionate about your job, you need to like what you do. For example, I love working with subtitling and doing my translations of movies and videos. But I also like working with my father and doing the administrative part. It's not something I love as much as subtitling, but I enjoy doing it, I know I'm good at it, and I feel comfortable. It is important to choose a profession that you at least like. And for me, a doctor who treats a child with a sour face, without a smile, and without patience for the parents - especially those first-time parents who are lost - may have a medical degree but does not behave like a pediatrician. To choose pediatrics, you have to love children, not just medicine. Pediatrics is much more than medicine. And that is why I wouldn't trade Dr. Humberto for anything in this world.

After leaving the consultation super frustrated because, despite having a bit of phlegm in your lungs, he didn't prescribe antibiotics; he recommended a herbal remedy and a medicine to boost immunity. But you are already getting immunology vaccines every 10 days, which should be enough for your immunity. And when I told your dadr how he was that day, in a bad mood and super rude, he was also surprised because our previous visits were very different. But now, surprisingly, when your father wasn't there, he treated us this way. Would he show this side of him to a foreigner? I don't know.

I have another story about him that happened with Fernando, my cousin, Aunt Rosane's son. Fernando suffered from bronchitis, and after a consultation with him, my aunt had some follow-up visits. And on the last follow-up visit, he scolded her, saying that if she kept coming back all the time, he wouldn’t make any money from the consultations. But she was within her rights, and not only that, but she was going because he was really sick. So what happened? The last time she went, he, sheepishly and embarrassed, said that Fernando needed to go to the hospital and be admitted. If she hadn't taken him, it would have been her responsibility as a mother. These doctors… I hope Dr. Humberto lives many, many decades because he truly embraces what he does.

And then that night, your grandfather sent me a message asking if I wanted him to take you on a trip with him and Rafinha. I really wanted to say yes so you could have fun, but since we took you to the doctor and you were coughing a lot, had a slight fever, and phlegm in your lungs, we thought it wouldn't be a good time. First, because you could get sicker, develop a respiratory condition, and need a hospital, and there isn't a good hospital in Caraguá, only public hospitals, so you would just cause worry for your grandparents. Second, I was also concerned about the car trip; you wouldn't be traveling with your grandmother, just your grandfather, and you are not like Rafinha, who stays calm in the car, quietly enjoying the trip. You cry, you scream, you never liked being in the car. You only stay quiet with cartoons, but our portable DVD player broke, meaning you could turn your grandfather and cousin's trip into a real nightmare. And I don't know how your grandfather would handle your crying; he would have to make stops and would be worried and anxious. He would also have to stop to change your diaper because you pee a lot. So it's complicated, as much as I want you to have fun and also think about me and your father a bit, I still need to think as a mother and prioritize you. And right now, I don't think it's the best time since you are a bit more fragile. So this weekend it will be just the three of us.

20-21/07 Chapter 285: My favorite mistake

Today, the feeling I had when I woke up was a bit of sadness. I woke up with videos and photos of Rafinha playing and having so much fun at the beach, and I thought that you could be there too. It is frustrating for me to know that you miss out on some things in life because you are always sick. This, even though we do a treatment with an injection every 10 days for you, which already helps to avoid hospital stays, thank God, but you still always get sick. And what shocks me the most is knowing that until you were one year old, up to 11 months when you were breastfeeding, you never got sick. It was only after weaning you and you started school that everything changed. So, for a mother to get used to a child who never got sick, to then being sick almost all the time for nearly a year, it is hard to accept and understand.

Today, it was supposed to be just me, you, and your dad. And to do something different in the evening, we decided to take you to the mall. And I must confess that it was very enjoyable. When we got there, there was a giant Game of Thrones attraction, but it was paid and the ticket cost R$60 per person. Since I really wanted to take you to the cute Bolofofos attraction, your dad and I agreed that we would go back on Sunday, tomorrow, to go to the GOT attraction and today we would just walk around the mall. By the way, it was quite complicated to find a parking spot, we had to drive around a lot. But I understand, after all, that's all Brazilians have, right? Malls, what else can we do but walk around the mall in São Paulo?

So our first stop was what’s called Playnd here in Brazil. We took you just to see the attractions, but it was hard to get you out of there—you cried a lot. After that, I managed to schedule for us to go to the Bolofofos attraction, which believe it or not, was free. And when something is free here in São Paulo, we have to take advantage of it. You had a lot of fun at that attraction, but you didn’t want to leave the ball pit.

And your dad really wanted you to get a "bolo fofos" tattoo, and the lady gave us three characters, but for some reason, you didn’t want to put it on your skin at all. We tried several times, but you really weren’t in the mood.

After that, we went to eat some delicious ice cream that just opened, from the cookie franchise that I love so much, and of course, it didn’t disappoint. The hazelnut ice cream tasted just like Nutella—delicious. Since you’re not a big fan of ice cream, I think because it’s too cold, you enjoyed the waffle we bought for you. You even had a little bit of your dad’s hazelnut ice cream, but you really enjoyed the waffle. I have to say, it was a very nice family outing. We have to make the most of what we have here, right? If it’s a shopping mall, let’s enjoy the shopping mall with patience.

The next day, we booked the Game of Thrones attraction for around 7:00 PM. We arrived a little late, but the attraction was disappointing for both me and your dad.

I wanted to go more for your dad because he’s passionate about the series. I’m not a big fan; I watched it, liked some moments, but saying I’m a fan would be an exaggeration. But your dad is a fan, so I thought it would be something he’d like, but it wasn’t, and then he kept nagging me, saying I made him spend R$60 on that nonsense. From the outside, it looked huge and seemed like it would be really cool, but inside, there was practically nothing—it was definitely not worth the R$60 ticket. For those who were planning to eat at Outback inside, it might have been worth it, but I’m not sure to what extent, since the Outback inside this attraction only offered hamburgers. You didn’t have any other food options, unlike the regular Outback restaurant. But the burgers seemed pretty good, specially being from Outback, I believe they must be really good. Thankfully, your dad asked me to buy the ticket on Saturday with the Outback meal included, because they didn’t have tickets without the meal anymore. The ticket price jumped from R$60 to R$120 with the meal included. So that would have been R$60 for a hamburger... Then your dad would’ve really been upset with me.

But it wasn’t a wasted evening, because we were out as a family, and it’s always nice to spend time together. This time it was just the three of us, which made it even more special. And not only that, but we went to Playland again, and you went into the ball pit twice, having a lot of fun. But I think it’s a rip-off to charge R$9 and let a child play for only 7 minutes. At least 10 minutes, right? And now, every time you go into the ball pit, you throw your body back with so much happiness.

Once you went with me, and the last time you went with your dad, so you had a lot of fun. And to top off the night, of course, we had ice cream again at that new, delicious place. This time, I ordered an  waffle with a scoop of Red Velvet, which was wonderful. Your dad ordered a waffle with a scoop of hazelnut. And you, as always, only ate yours. It was a different, delicious weekend, and in the company of family. We need to do this more often. So if the Game of Thrones was a mistake, so far is my favorite one.

29/07 Chapter 286: Burning in a hopeless dream

Today, I am completely disheartened, desolate, and outraged. The elections in Venezuela took place, and honestly, I don't even know why they bother having elections. As your father said, the elections there are so fraudulent and ridiculous that it's better not to hold them at all. Everyone already knows there's a dictator in power who isn't going anywhere, so it's all just a facade and a waste of time. And of course, I didn't expect anything other than a ridiculous victory for Nicolás Maduro, but what really infuriated me was seeing videos of Venezuelans believing that this time it would be different, praying on the ground on their knees, many, many people asking a God who, let’s be honest, if He exists, has completely abandoned His children.

So I was kind of outraged to see the people's hope, their pleas, and I became certain that there is no God because this just can't be possible. Evil always goes unpunished, evil always defeats good in this world, it's astonishing.

This guy is disgusting; he publicly stole the election again without any shame. A few days later, he even said that his dog ate the election results. In other words, he's mocking people. And you know what else? Brazil was one of the only countries in the world that accepted his victory, and that's obviously because our beloved and dear president Lula has been friends with Nicolás Maduro for many decades. He envies Maduro because Maduro managed to implement communism and keep all the power to himself, something Lula hasn’t fully achieved yet, although he's already on that path. So, it’s crazy how politics are destroying the entire world. Europe is facing serious problems with immigration, the United States is dealing with immigration issues as well and is also facing the woke phase, involving gender ideology, allowing gender-reversal surgeries in children, even removing custody from parents who don’t accept it. The world is upside down, not to mention that four wars are happening right now as I type this, in the 21st century. And all because of politics.

As for Venezuela, honestly, I feel a lot of pity for the people who are there; I pity what they’re going through. Just so you know, dear, 90% of Venezuela's population is below the poverty line; dogs and cats are being eaten because there’s no food in Venezuela. It's shameful, and it’s for reasons like this that I stopped believing in a divine power. Intervention in this case, if a God existed, would be more than necessary because, after all, it’s His children who need to be protected, right?

And there's more, if there really is a God and there’s an explanation for this, I'm sure that God would forgive me for being so angry at seeing injustices and thinking about others. I care about others; I'm not selfish, and the world doesn't revolve around me. But today, honestly, I see a selfish world. People only think about themselves and don't care about the well-being of others. Believing in a God while thinking only of oneself is really easier. I CARE!