01-05/08 Chapter 287: I've been this road before
A quick collection of things:
- Despite the international scandal and the biggest fraud in Venezuela’s history, Nicolás Maduro still managed to stay in power. Even though most countries do not recognize him as president and have imposed sanctions on the country, he remains in power because he has the support of strong countries like China, Russia, and Iran. And no one attacks Venezuela to avoid a bloody global war against these three great powers; in other words, Venezuela is doomed, and justice will not be served.
- Marquinhos' mother received the fine, and apparently our neighbor wasn’t intimidated by the email (or maybe he was, but didn’t show it). Your grandfather told her not to pay until they go to court so that he can take action, and he will take action because here are some of the mistakes made by the building manager:
- He slipped the fine under the door without notifying or asking for a signature.
- The fine states that there were several prior signed warnings, which there weren’t.
- My father asked for the video of the day he yelled at Marquinhos, but pretending to misunderstand, the manager sent the requested day and time of the elevator video, showing Marquinhos pressing the buttons. My father reiterated that he didn’t ask for the elevator video but for the lobby, and after several days without a response, he was told that those recordings were no longer available. So, they had the recording of the same day IN THE ELEVATOR, but not in the lobby? Ridiculous and a horrible excuse.
After you turned 9 months old, I always taught you that the pacifier would only be given to you at bedtime, and you always respected this little rule, even being so small. As you grew older, as soon as you woke up, you would take out the pacifier and immediately hand it to me, which filled me with pride. But recently, you’ve been asking for the pacifier all the time and crying a lot when we say no. You think about the pacifier literally all day, and I’m very sad about this. Even though I taught you, it didn’t work to ease this attachment. And your cousin Rafinha, who used to keep the pacifier in his mouth all the time and didn’t have this rule, is now not so attached to it anymore. Or at least not like you, who points to your mouth with your little hand, signaling that you want the pacifier.
I, like you, used a pacifier when I was little (my sister didn’t, maybe because my parents had a hard time with my experience), and I still remember how difficult those days were when my parents took it away from me. It started in Caraguatatuba when they genuinely couldn’t find the pacifier when I asked for it, but once they found it and I had already stopped asking for it, they decided to take that opportunity to wean me off the pacifier. But I remember it wasn’t easy; they kept insisting they couldn’t find it, and I wasn’t smart enough to understand that they could just buy another one. Those were tough days for my parents and me, and I didn’t want you to go through that kind of suffering and strong attachment to a pacifier. A pacifier often creates a very strong emotional dependence in a child, and that’s terrible because when it’s time to take it away, it’s very painful. I’ve seen much older children with pacifiers, and I find it horrifying, it looks so bad.
But I’ll keep insisting, and I’m hopeful that when you go back to school, this will improve.
Today, an aviation fatality occurred. Strangely, last night while I was asleep, I woke up to the loud sound of an airplane in the early morning; it sounded as if it was very close to the building and about to crash. The sound lasted for a few minutes, and I focused on it, but then it disappeared. In the afternoon, a friend asked me if I had heard about the plane crash. I asked if it was during the early morning, but it wasn’t, making it a coincidence that I had thought and heard something during the night.
A Voepass airplane crashed into a residential condominium in the city of Vinhedo, resulting in the death of all 62 people on board. The crash was one of the worst air disasters in Brazil in years. The plane was on a regional route and had taken off shortly before the accident. Footage captured by witnesses shows the aircraft entering a flat spin before falling vertically and exploding upon hitting the ground.
The shocking aspect of this air disaster is precisely the footage where you can literally see the plane falling—it's incredibly sad.
For example, I’m very afraid of flying; I don’t feel safe despite knowing the probabilities. But even though the probability of an accident is low, it happens to some people, so why couldn’t it be me? I constantly dream about planes, and it’s usually about an accident a few minutes after takeoff, followed by an explosion. My dreams only worsened after I learned that the most dangerous part of aviation is precisely takeoff/landing, with takeoff being the most delicate. Air crashes during what they call the cruising phase are rare, as happened with Air France. So, I feel very apprehensive during the first 30 minutes of flights, especially.
However, this accident happened near the landing. The plane’s recording data was recovered and is being analyzed to better understand what caused the crash. Let's wait and see. All I know is that two children died—one 3 years old (almost your age) and one 5 years old. The 3-year-old was traveling with her father to celebrate Father’s Day, which will be the day after tomorrow. The parents were separated, and the father wasn’t on the plane. Imagine this mother receiving the news that her daughter would not return home. Her life is over!
Another victim was a puppy named Luna, who was 6 months old, belonging to the 5-year-old child. I can only imagine the terror these victims experienced seconds before the tragedy happened. It may have been something very quick, and we might even say the death was painless, but the prior panic must have been horrible. Some might have simply prayed, others closed their eyes, others hugged the people next to them, and others screamed... Unlike the Air France crash, where, according to the recordig data, it happened sometime after dinner, so the majority of the passengers were asleep, and there were no screams or panic. It seems only the pilots and co-pilots knew what was happening! So, it was probably a quick death, and they didn’t even know what hit them. There was no panic, which is much better. You’re sleeping, and POOF, total darkness, but eternal! Even the little dog must have panicked. May these people rest in peace!
Today, I tried to wake up as early as I could to get things done before our trip. I still had to drop off packages at clients' homes, go to the post office to send packages to clients who live in another city, stop by my Aunt Rosane’s house to leave something with her, pick up things I had forgotten at the apartment because there's always something missing, and drop my grandmother off at her house.
Our flight was at 10:20 PM, and my dad always likes to be at the airport at least 3 hours early, so we had to be there by around 7 PM. But to be there by 7 PM, we would hit rush hour, the time with the heaviest traffic, so we had to leave home around 5:30 PM. The day flew by because by the time I finished everything and got home, it was already 1 PM. I still needed to take a shower and wash my hair (which takes at least another hour) and pack a few last-minute things in the suitcase. So by the time I finished, it was already time to go.
My sister drove me and your dad. Pietra was with us because she wanted company on the way back... And Rafinha was also in the car, but he quickly fell asleep. In my dad's car, it was him, my mom, and my grandparents. My grandfather would drive the car back.
I can say that the trip to the airport was hell because my sister, besides driving like a maniac (and she always gets crazier in Pietra's company), had those horrible funk songs blasting at full volume in the car. I honestly don't understand how she doesn't think about her son, like the potential future hearing problems, for example. But I was amazed at how deeply Rafinha sleeps. I already knew he doesn't wake up easily; a few times, I tried to wake him up myself, and it was quite difficult, but not to this extent. He’s so different from you. You wake up at the slightest noise. For example, if you’re sleeping in your car seat and we unbuckle your seatbelt to pick you up, you wake up just from the click of the seatbelt. You take after me and your dad; both of us are light sleepers and wake up easily.
Finally, after your dad and I almost went deaf in the car and had a terrible musical experience, we arrived at the airport, and things went quickly. I was happy that we could use the VIP lounge at the airport for the first time since I got my bank’s black card, but as nothing in life is perfect, when we got there, they said the VISA brand did not provide free entry. My parents also have a Mastercard, which apparently offers free entry, but for some unexplained reason, my Mastercard wasn’t in my wallet, and I hardly ever use that card. So only my parents and you got into the lounge! My parents said you ate more than they did, so I was happy that you enjoyed it.
Then we boarded, and it was quick because with you, we board as priority, and we started our long-awaited trip. I’m happy, I’m excited, I’m going home. And whenever I go home, to my homeland, it feels like my lungs are filled with fresh air for the first time, and I can breathe like a newborn baby. And as always, even though you’re older now, you didn’t disappoint and slept through the entire flight. Of course, your dad, your grandmother, and I didn’t sleep well, but the important thing is that you did!
Your grandmother also gave us a scare as her legs and feet started to swell on the plane, which could indicate thrombosis. As soon as I talked to the flight attendant, he said we needed to pay attention to this because it’s serious, and he brought us ice packs for her to apply to the areas, which helped a lot. I was pretty scared; imagine my mom having a venous thrombosis episode in the air... Something concerning, and it’s not the first time her feet have swollen, but this time she wasn’t in pain.
The flight had a lot of turbulence, almost the entire trip, which was awful; I’ve never been on a flight with constant turbulence like this, but for some reason, the days leading up to the trip didn’t scare me as much this time. I wasn’t constantly thinking that I would die.
Camila’s mom went with us and sat close to us. She doesn’t speak any English and was happy to go with us, so the trip was much smoother for her this time.
Finally, we landed in Dallas. I barely slept, along with your grandma, because I was really worried about her leg. I managed to watch the Disney movie I wanted to see, 'Inside Out.' I liked it a lot. My mom said she didn’t like it very much, but I enjoyed it. They say the second one is not as good, but I’ll have to watch it to draw my own conclusions.
The immigration process in Dallas wasn't as good as last time. Last time, I believe we were at the very front of the plane, so we were among the first to be processed at immigration. The lady who attended us was very nice, and everything was quick and smooth. But this time, when I was with my dad, we spent about an hour and a half in line. There were very few immigration officers, I think just one or two from what I noticed, and the lady we got was extremely rude. She had a sour face, and such an unnecessary attitude of superiority... Terrible. Luckily, Camila’s mom was with us, otherwise she might have had communication issues at immigration and this woman could have lost her patience with her. For the first time traveling to the United States, I had to show the address of where I was going to stay, answer a lot of questions, it was all very uncomfortable, but in the end, everything worked out.
We picked up our bags to recheck them for the next flight and encountered another totally rude person handling the luggage. They threw our bags at us, not caring at all. Awful, just awful.
The flight from Dallas to San Diego was very smooth. The 2.5 hours passed quickly because you ended up sleeping, and I dozed off with you, so when we woke up, we were almost in San Diego. You, as always, were wonderful, sleeping on both the first and second flights, so now we'll see if you'll sleep well at night.
When we arrived in San Diego, my dad was surprised that the baggage claim is right at the airport's entrance, meaning everyone has access to the luggage. Anyone could come in and steal the bags, for example, as it’s literally right at the street entrance. But, of course, if it's still working this way, it’s because they haven’t had problems; after all, it’s not Brazil. In Brazil, this would never, under any circumstances, work. That’s the difference between a first-world and third-world country.
As soon as we picked up our luggage, Camila and Christine (Camila's mother-in-law) arrived. Everything fit in the cars, and we went straight to Coronado because there, we would pick up Matt's (Camila's husband) car, which we were going to rent. They gave us a great deal for three weeks.
When we got there, you played with Luca; it had been over a year since you two had seen each other. But you played more with his toys than with him. There was one toy that you loved, a tree full of animals that you would take out of the tree’s holes. I even tried to find it to buy for you later, but it was too expensive, so I gave up.
After drinking some water, resting a bit, and changing diapers, we went to eat at Burger Lounge, a burger place I used to love. The first two times I went to Burger Lounge when I lived in San Diego, I was amazed. The taste of the meat is different, unlike any other meat I’ve ever eaten. They say the cows at Burger Lounge only eat a specific type of grass and are very well taken care of, which is why the taste is unique. But the last time I went, and now when I went with my parents, I remembered the taste being better; I found it ordinary… You know when something seemed better than it is at the moment? I don't know if it's my palate or if something has actually changed, but the good thing is that my parents liked it. I was excited to take them there.
After the burger place, we stopped at the pharmacy to buy an anticoagulant for my mom, and the plan was to go to the beach right in front of Camila’s house, but we were tired, and Matt’s mom also didn’t want to deal with traffic, and it was getting late, so to avoid inconveniencing her, we adjusted to her schedule. We picked up Matt's car and drove in two cars to the house we rented from Airbnb. And the house was as beautiful as in the listing, we weren't disappointed. The house isn't big on the inside, but it’s very beautiful on the outside. The only problem was that it had stairs, and we knew you’d give us trouble with the stairs.
Everyone ended up sleeping because we were all exhausted, and when we woke up, we went to one of my favorite beaches (I think it’s actually my favorite) in San Diego = Ocean Beach. The beach itself is nothing special, but when I lived there, I used to go in the late afternoon to sit, reflect on life, cry over my ex, and read my book. It’s a calm, peaceful beach without many people. And this beach gives me a sense of peace, of comfort… I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that I’ve dreamed a few times about San Diego, and sometimes I dreamed that I was hugging the sand on the beach, and every time it was at Ocean Beach, better known as OB.
But this time, even though it was late in the afternoon, there were quite a few people, especially playing volleyball, which I always associate with Coronado Beach. But it was still a delicious and wonderful late afternoon. My mom and dad went for a walk, holding hands around the beach, and you, your dad, and I enjoyed a wonderful family moment with a beautiful sunset. And on the way back, before finally resting, we were blessed with one of the most beautiful moons I've ever seen. The perfect end to a perfect day.
Today we woke up early to go to Costco with Camila and her husband. Costco is like Sam's Club; you need to be a member to shop there. So, for us to shop, Camila had to be with us since she's a member. It doesn't make sense for us to be members because we don't live in the United States. In the past, many people used to lend their membership card to others to shop, but since they realized this was bypassing their system, now they have facial recognition. So, she had to be with us, and she wanted us to go because she said everything in the store is much cheaper than in regular supermarkets.
I don't even need to say that my parents loved it, right? Within the first five minutes of shopping, my mom picked up a 7-in-1 George Foreman air fryer, a heavy appliance that almost fills up an entire suitcase. Oh dear... And that’s because she's still looking for a blender. A few aisles later, she found it, so she was taking two appliances.
We spent about two hours there shopping, mostly for the three weeks we’d be staying at the Airbnb. At the end of our shopping, you found a little playhouse, one of those outdoor playhouses that I’ve wanted to buy for you for so long. Now that we’re here, you’re allowed one checked bag, and instead of bringing my shopping, I’ll be buying a little playhouse for you to check in. When you saw one in the store, it was hard to get you away from it; almost no one could pull you away. We noticed how much you love these playhouses when we went to the orphanage's Festa Junina. I really want to buy one for you. Today, as soon as we get home, I’m going to buy it.
The day would have been great if it weren’t for your dad noticing that you were getting sick. We noticed you were very fussy and complaining a lot, and your dad thought you were getting sick. But he didn’t just think so; he kept talking about it all day. On the way back in the car, he said he had a feeling in his gut that you were going to get sick, a father’s intuition, and that we needed to get home and do a nasal wash for you, maybe even give you the antibiotic the doctor prescribed… The doctor gave the antibiotic for emergencies, in case you had a fever or something more serious, and your dad already wants to give it to you just because you have some phlegm. You always have phlegm and a bit of a cough. He kept talking about it all day long, stressing everyone out.
Your dad is obviously traumatized by what happened to you during your three hospitalizations, especially the last two. Which is completely understandable, because we lived through a real nightmare, and only we know the pain we felt having you hospitalized and suffering so much. I even thought about scenarios, especially about you passing away, which is the worst pain any parent can feel. So, his trauma is justified, but he needs to seek help, because this isn’t healthy for him, for you, or for anyone around him. There’s always something, always some problem; he’s always worried about you, and it’s becoming very difficult.
If you are going to get sick, of course, there are things we can do to lessen what’s coming, but we can’t prevent it if the virus or bacteria is already inside you. We can only take steps to make sure it’s not severe enough to need hospitalization. That’s why you went through painful injections for so many months, so you could have a certain freedom—a freedom he can’t seem to give or understand. My dad told him that he needs to relax and accept that his daughter, you, has bronchitis and will likely have it for many years. In other words, we have to learn to handle this in a way that’s not stressful and doesn’t wear us down every time. We need to deal with this more calmly because if your bronchitis does persist for years, we can’t be at each other’s throats and get so stressed every time it happens, because it’s going to happen frequently. Instead of waiting for things to happen and then suffering, he’s already suffering in advance and ruining the trip over something he doesn’t even know will happen.
But since I was in my favorite place in the world, I didn’t want to argue and said I wouldn’t give you the antibiotic just yet. Let’s wait and see how things unfold, and hopefully, he’s wrong.
You woke up feeling good and energetic. I don’t remember exactly what we did the last two days because I’m not writing on the exact dates. To give you an idea, I’m writing this now in September, after we got back from the trip. I wanted so much to enjoy this trip and focus on giving you an amazing experience that I let go of my phone, my sales, and your diary. So I’m writing it late again, but this time for a good reason—to connect with and focus on you. I don’t remember exactly what we did on the second and third days, but I do remember that on the third day, things started to get complicated. I remember that later in the afternoon, your breathing was a little labored. We used the inhaler, and everything was fine, but by the end of the night, your breathing was worse, and we had to do a whole cycle treatment with the inhalor, which worked again, but we started the antibiotic. We owe a huge thanks to Dr. Humberto for sending the antibiotic for the trip, because honestly, without it, I don’t know what would have happened.
Your dad said that if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t have paid attention to you, wouldn’t have taken the necessary precautions, or started the antibiotic, which isn’t true. That really hurts us, you know? I don’t know how to deal with this, but from now on, what was supposed to be a great trip is turning into a nightmare. Besides being sad, of course, because you’re sick again and again, over and over, and it never seems to end, it never gets better. It can’t be normal for this to keep happening. But hopefully, tomorrow will be a new day, and you’ll wake up feeling well.
Like a miracle, you woke up feeling great and seemed like a completely different girl. This antibiotic is very, very strong, and my mom said that's a good thing. After just one dose, you were already much better and had no more breathing problems, which was the perfect birthday gift for your grandma since today is her birthday. Since you woke up happy and full of energy, my mom asked as a birthday present if we could leave her at the Burton store to shop until the afternoon, and that's exactly what we did.
I don’t remember exactly what your dad and I did with you, but I think we went to the beach together, then came back, took a nap, and only after that did we go pick up your grandpa and grandma from the store. That evening, to celebrate grandma's birthday, I took them to The Cheesecake Factory at the mall where I used to live, which was very close by. It’s the same restaurant where your dad and I had a fight last year because he wanted to go home and didn’t let me eat. The dishes looked delicious and appetizing, and it really was wonderful.
When we arrived at the restaurant, my mom thought it was very fancy since it’s considered a chic place for us in Brazil—a dark, well-decorated environment. Looking at the menu, everyone chose their meal, but sadly, the filet mignon my dad wanted wasn’t available, so he went with the meat the waiter recommended, and the waiter was very attentive to us. My dad and I ordered non-alcoholic drinks, and my mom ordered an alcoholic one to celebrate—she was very excited. When the food arrived, everyone was really happy with their meals. The portions were large and very, very tasty. My dad really enjoyed the meat. His portion was a bit smaller, but he said it was so flavorful that it was worth it. My mom absolutely loved her meal too. The waiter sang a quiet 'Happy Birthday,' not as loud as they do at Outback in Brazil. My mom and I ordered a slice of cookie dough cheesecake, one of my favorite flavors in the U.S., though I hadn’t had any cheesecake yet on the trip. And when it arrived, wow… it was so smooth and delicious—the best I’ve ever had.
Your dad kept hinting that I was flirting with the waiter, but he was smiling and joking as if it were true. And even if it were true, who laughs at something like that? Usually, you’d get jealous or upset. Nothing about our relationship is normal... and maybe, deep down, I was flirting without even realizing it, maybe because of the lack of attention he’s been giving me lately.
And of course, on the way back, your dad found another reason to get upset. Everything was fine; everyone was happy. But when my dad bumped your little head—not a big deal—in the car because it’s so low to the ground, he was trying to put you in your car seat, and you cried because you’re very dramatic. Then your dad started complaining, saying it was the third time. My God, everything becomes a problem, it’s incredible. When I told my mom later, she got upset and said that next time, he should be the one to put you in the car. He argued that you don’t want to go with him, but he’ll have to figure it out or stop complaining. Damn! I’m so tired of all the complaints. On a day that was good, a day we were supposed to be happy that you’re feeling better, healthy, and having fun on grandma’s birthday, he still finds reasons to ruin it? Your dad needs to take a chill pill.
I can’t believe we’re already in our 2nd week here in SD, it literally feels like we just arrived yesterday. We’ve done so many things, and not a single day have we stayed at home. What’s surprising to me, though, is that I’m not really buying much. When I go to stores, I don’t have the patience to stay long—I’m there for about an hour or less, then I quickly get tired and feel anxious to head back home so we can go out again. I’ve never been like this. I’ve always been very focused on sales, but I know that my time here is limited, so I want to enjoy every hour, every minute, and every second in this place. So when I’m shopping or selling, it feels like I’m wasting the valuable time I have here. But at the same time, I know I need to make those sales at least to cover one of the plane tickets, since I paid for mine, your dad’s, and 10% of yours (as it was cheaper for kids under 2 and half of the Airbnb we rented along with my dad. If I manage to cover even just half the Airbnb cost or one of the plane tickets, I’ll already be happy and satisfied. But I might not even need to use all three of my suitcases, let alone the extra one Camila’s mom is bringing for me as a 4rth. I want to enjoy this moment and live every second in this place that I’ve been dreaming of. I feel like I’m exactly where I should be. It’s like being at home, feeling like I belong here.
One day, we went to see the sea lions to show them to my parents, and they loved it. On the way there, your dad told me he felt like we had all been there together before, which is impossible. And I said, "See? I told you I’ve lived here in other lives." It’s funny because I don’t believe in life after death, so naturally, I don’t believe in past lives. But the feeling of belonging here, of calling this place home, is so strong that I can’t explain it.
I’ve always wanted to have a house, a farm, or some kind of property to rent out on Airbnb because you can make a lot of money, but it also comes with a lot of headaches. Financially, when people break things, it's stressful. For example, they’ve broken the air conditioning in a really hot place, a fridge, a stove, and you have to fix or find a way to handle it because they paid for everything that was supposed to be in working order as per the listing. If you get low ratings, that affects future bookings for your property. So, it’s complicated, but as I told my mom, every business has its headaches and expenses—there’s no business that’s just pure profit. Even so, I still think it’s worth it.
The guy who rented us the house is around your dad's age, between 30 and 35 years old, or maybe even younger, and he owns at least two houses, maybe even three, all really nice. He drives a luxury sports car, and to have all this in San Diego at that age, either you’ve won the lottery, or you’ve inherited it, because it seems impossible otherwise.
Anyway, I don’t remember everything we did, but there wasn’t a single day we didn’t have fun, go to the beach, go out, or enjoy ourselves. Every day was wonderful.
And it’s worth noting that you’re becoming more and more attached to your grandpa. For you, it’s all about him. I don’t know why you’re not as attached to your grandma, who also does everything for you. Who knows… Maybe past lives really do exist to explain some things, because honestly, it’s a mystery.
In this second week, you were healthier than ever. It had been a very, very long time since we had seen you without any congestion at all. My mom thinks it’s also because of the weather here, which is very dry and hot, whereas in Brazil, the weather keeps changing all the time. Some days you wake up and it's super hot, and the next day it’s very cold. I don’t know what miracle this is, but more than the weather, I believe it’s still the effect of the antibiotic.
The only problem is that in the first two days, you didn’t even remember cartoons, probably because it was an unfamiliar house. You even looked at the TV but didn’t seem to know if it worked, I believe, because you didn’t ask for it, and obviously, we didn’t turn it on. But since you got sick on the third day and really scared us with your breathing and everything else, we started putting the cartoons back on for you, and from there, it was a slippery slope. You’ve been watching cartoons every day, which is normal for everyone because people can get things done while the kids are distracted, but that wasn’t the goal. If it were up to me, I would have traveled to San Diego, and during those three weeks, you wouldn’t have watched any cartoons. But since circumstances changed, the situation changed as well. Now, you usually watch cartoons before we leave the house and again when we come back, which, of course, is making your dad nervous again, and it’s frustrating me as well. I swear, if it were up to me, I would throw that TV out the window—I’m tired of arguing about the same thing. He’s not going to change. And honestly, if I could, I would have rented a house that didn’t even have a TV, because neither your dad nor I watch TV at all, and your grandparents don’t speak English to watch a TV where all the programming is in English, so the TV would only be used by you, meaning I wouldn’t have cared about having one. But I couldn’t find a house without a TV for rent, and I wasn’t going to rent a bad house without a TV and miss out on a good, nice house because of that. But seriously, this TV and cartoon nonsense is exhausting my soul, I swear!
But what really made me angry was tonight. As I told you, I’m barely selling anything; I haven’t even reached R$3000, and there’s only a week and a half left before we leave. I should have made at least R$20,000 to make it worthwhile, or R$15,000 to at least cover the tickets or half of the house, and I was so far from that… Meaning I wasn’t working at all; for the first time, I was dedicating 100% of my time to you and my family. I was enjoying it and wasn’t complaining. But tonight, the contracts from my dad’s company arrived, and I work for his company. Even while traveling and being out of the country, my dad and I continue entering the contracts that arrive nightly. On this particular night, a lot of contracts came in, so I spent about an hour and a half to two hours working in the living room. After that, I opened my sales spreadsheet to enter some random products I had bought, and your dad saw, which is no problem at all, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
But later that night, when it was just you, your dad, and me in bed, I told him that I had also been looking online for something romantic for us to do, to take advantage of being in such a nice place with my parents able to take care of you. I found something that really enchanted me: an open-air cinema called Rooftop. It looked amazing from the pictures, something I’ve never experienced because we don’t have anything like that in Brazil. So I mentioned it to him, but he didn’t pay much attention. Later, when we were lying in bed, I had my laptop open looking at available dates and movies because I knew we needed to focus on us too. The relationship can’t just be about the kids, even though they are 100% the priority. We can’t forget about our partner or ourselves because if one thing doesn’t work, everything else falls apart. So there I was, looking at movies, trying to choose something nice for me and your dad. Of course, you were moving around and not wanting to sleep, and then he comes out with this: ‘Close that laptop, you can check that later; otherwise, she won’t sleep.
I was already annoyed but still responded calmly: ‘I’m looking at something for us, the cinema.’ He asked why I hadn’t looked at it earlier, and I replied that I was working. Then he said, ‘You’re always working, your work never ends.’ Bebe, that’s when I got upset… How can he say I’m always working? Sure, I work a lot at home, and it’s true that sometimes I don’t give you as much attention as I should because I’m busy. But on this trip, I’ve been doing the complete opposite. Instead of him recognizing that I wasn’t being my usual self, always focused on work and sales, and that I was dedicating all my time to you and him, he didn’t acknowledge it, and worse, he complained. That hurt me deeply. I got upset and ended up saying a few things, then went downstairs to vent to my mom and talk to her, explaining the situation, and honestly, it really hurt me.
Yes, I work a lot, but not on this trip. On this trip, I’m missing out on making money, on paying for the plane tickets, and I’m dedicating 100% of my time to my family. Is wanting a little recognition too much to ask for? That’s why I felt so hurt and upset, because of the lack of recognition. I was missing out on a lot of income, money that could have paid for this trip that I was providing for both him and you, and this is how he thanks me, talking like that? And the worst part is, I was there thinking about us, about something we could do together as a couple, and, as usual, all he can think about is you, your routine, and what will or won’t disrupt you. I’ve already told him that as long as his whole life revolves around you, we’re never going to work out because there’s no room for me in his life. But I don’t believe your dad is going to change, and now all I want is that after this trip is over, we go our separate ways because it’s clear we can’t stay together. In your dad’s life, there’s only room for you, and he doesn’t know how to make space for more than one person in his heart.
So after crying and going to bed upset, the next day we had that conversation where, unfortunately, we decided to wait until San Diego to see if we would stay together or not, to see if by the end of this trip we had worked as a couple or evolved. But we weren’t evolving. It’s like we’re stuck in the same place, not moving, not progressing, unable to break free from where we’re at. We had the conversation, and I said it was obvious that we hadn’t achieved what we planned, that things didn’t turn out how we expected, that we are very different, that all the focus is on you, etc., and that we already had the answer we were looking for and needed. He agreed, and that’s what happened.
Unfortunately, I had already bought the tickets for the night of the 22nd, and I spent over U$70, believe it or not, because I got popcorn for each of us, booked the couple’s seat, all those details that just make it more expensive. I never thought in my life I’d spend more than R$50 on a movie ticket, and here I am talking about $70. Sure, it was for both of us, but when you multiply that by six, it’s a lot of money. And these are things he doesn’t appreciate, doesn’t value. As my mom said, everything that comes easily is usually not appreciated. Of course, there are exceptions, but most of the time, that’s how it is for people. Everything we don’t fight for, sweat for, or work hard to get isn’t valued in the same way. So of course, he wasn’t going to appreciate the trip like I did, after spending so much money and dreaming about it for so long. So, my daughter, I swear I tried, but unfortunately, it’s just not working anymore. And now I have this romantic movie planned for the 22nd with your dad, and we’re in this situation.
I wish, just once, to experience a relationship where someone does that for me, you know? Pays for the trip, for the romantic movie, focuses on me, puts me on a pedestal. Every time I’ve been in a serious or even casual relationship, I’m always the one doing things for the other person. I pay for the trip for someone, buy plane tickets for another, dinner—what a joke. When will I be the center of someone’s world? I might say I was the center of Caique’s world for a while, but even that changed later. But we’ll get to that story eventually.
Today was a busy day, we walked around a lot, and in the late afternoon, we stopped by one of my favorite places, which is a small shop that sells Mexican food (Valerie's Shop).
When I lived in San Diego, my friend Mohamed took me to this little place. From the outside, you would never imagine how delicious the food is because it’s a really small, simple place, the kind of spot you'd randomly stop by to eat. But it’s a super clean place, with the highest sanitation rating according to the health department, with an "A" rating displayed, and the food is carefully prepared and delicious. It’s the best burrito I've ever had in my life, and also the biggest. Last year, I took your dad there, and he really liked it. This year, I took my parents. I bought a burrito for them, and I chose my favorite, which is the California burrito with French fries inside, and I ordered that for my dad too. For my mom, I surprised her and got the shrimp burrito. They let me choose for them, so I picked what I thought each of them would like the most. The California burrito has meat and French fries, and since my dad loves both, I knew he’d enjoy it. Even though he doesn't usually like Mexican food, I knew this would be an exception.
We got the burritos, took them to the beach, and brought my parents to see the beach where your dad and I met, Pacific Beach. I love the beach, but the only issue there is parking. Even in the late afternoon, almost evening, it was hard to find a spot, but in the end, we did. During the day, it’s extremely difficult. One good thing about San Diego is that you can generally find parking almost anywhere, except Downtown. There, it’s metered, so you have to pay everywhere.
We got there in the late afternoon, caught the sunset (though we couldn’t really see it well because the clouds were covering a lot), and sat on the beach eating our burritos and enjoying ourselves.
My dad really liked the burrito, and my mom loved it. She said that before going back to Brazil, she wanted to have one more. She said it was the best burrito she’s ever had, and not even in Mexico, where she went recently, did she have a burrito that big and delicious. I told her it was good! I love it when people recommend great places, and we end up becoming fans of the place too.
Afterward, we went back and didn’t take long because at 10:00 p.m., your dad and I had the movie I mentioned I bought tickets for, and we had to get there about 15 minutes early to get to know the place, grab some popcorn, and all that.
We still had to go home, take a quick shower, and change. In San Diego, it gets dark at 7:30 p.m., so we were already running late.
As soon as we got home, we barely had time to do anything. We took a shower, got changed, and went straight to Downtown to watch our movie. I picked a horror movie without even reading reviews or anything like that. I just read the summary and already liked it.
Here’s my problem with reviews: before watching a movie, your dad always wants to check Google to see how it's rated by people, etc. I never do that. I think movies are something extremely personal. What pleases some won’t please others, so you can’t rely on ratings when it comes to movies. For example, there are many Oscar-winning films that I think are terrible. Boring, slow-paced stories where nothing happens for a long time. And for others, it’s a masterpiece. So, I think movies are very personal. Some people love Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings, while others think those kinds of movies are a drag. You can’t base your opinion on what others think. You usually have a preferred movie style, you watch, and then you form your own opinion. Of course, there are exceptions with ridiculous endings that most people might agree on, but still, it’s something very personal. I’ve seen movies with five-star ratings online that I hated, and the opposite too—movies with very low ratings that I really enjoyed. One famous and critically acclaimed movie is Amélie. For me, it was one of the worst films I’ve ever seen—boring, slow, a drag.
Back to the story. We went to Downtown, and it’s a bit tricky to find parking there. I actually found a spot near the hotel (because the cinema is on top of a hotel) where we no longer needed to pay at the parking meter since it was late. When we got to the hotel parking lot, we saw it would cost around $25-30 for parking, which is a lot. But since I paid for the cinema, popcorn, and drove us there, your dad said he’d pay for the parking. Before that, we drove around a bit to see if we could find a spot. We did, but we thought that, besides being a little late, we’d be leaving after midnight, and even though the area is generally safe, and I think San Diego is a very peaceful city when it comes to crime, that part of town is a bit dirty with a lot of homeless people, so we felt a bit uneasy. Not to mention that after the movie, at midnight, we’d be tired and would just want to go home, not walk all the way to the car.
And it was a good thing we paid for parking because it took us a while to find the right place. We wandered around like headless chickens in that huge hotel. But we made it, and it was amazing. When I saw those lights, the view from the top of Downtown, all the music, the ambiance, the big open-air screen—I felt like a kid at a theme park. My eyes lit up, my mouth dropped open, I was enchanted, and your dad noticed that. He was really impressed too since he’d never been to a cinema like that. We were filming, and we were happy.
And that’s what San Diego brings: happiness. And not just that, but there are so many attractions, so many things to do in this city that you never get bored. It’s like your dad said—there won’t be a single day, if we lived there, where a holiday, a weekend, or an afternoon would come, and we’d want to do something but couldn’t think of anything, like what happens here in São Paulo. The options are so many that you can’t even decide between them. We stayed for three weeks and still couldn’t show my parents everything I wanted to, and I only lived here for a year, and I already know a lot of things. There’s so much more to discover, and many things I don’t even know about myself. That variety, that wide range of options that San Diego offers, is what enchants me so much. It has something for everyone: babies, children, single adults, married adults, animals—San Diego embraces everyone who lives in the city.
I even thought about how opening a cinema like this in São Paulo could be profitable, because there’s nothing like it there. But at the same time, I understand why we don’t have anything like that. In San Diego, for example, I lived here for a year, and I don’t remember a single time it rained. We’ve been here for two weeks now, and not a single day has it rained—every day has been sunny. Even though winter can be a bit cold, it’s rare to see rain—it’s hard. But in São Paulo, one of the things that happens the most in the summer, for example, is rain. It even makes it hard to plan trips, go to the beach, or make any commitments because we know it rains a lot in the summer. And in the winter, it rains too. So, it’s tricky—how could you invest in a business where the main factor, being outdoors, depends on the weather? And the weather is often bad in the city. So, if you were to open a business like that, you’d have to refund people who bought tickets if it rained that day, or reschedule. It’s a bit complicated, you know?
But anyway, we were walking hand in hand, your dad hugged me. This is a serious thing between us—we argue, talk about separating, and then after a few days, when things calm down, we act as if nothing happened, and everything goes back to normal. He’s even talked to me about this, and he’s right. But in the heat of the moment, we get so upset over certain things, certain factors, that we actually start talking about separation. Then, over time, we realize that maybe it’s too radical a step and that we enjoy each other’s company; we just can’t seem to synchronize. That’s been the tough task: synchronization. But that doesn’t mean that just because we were enjoying the beauty of the place today, in that lovely atmosphere, acting like a couple, the conversation didn’t happen or that we aren’t still considering that separation might be the best option. I believe this story isn’t over yet, and maybe tonight doesn’t mean we’re reconciling—maybe we’re just making the most of the time we have left.
And the movie was way better than I expected. I loved it and was entertained from start to finish. It’s one of those horror movies that isn’t really horror—it’s more of a thriller, with a few horror elements and a lot of funny, visible, humorous scenes. It’s a really cool movie, fun to watch. The name of the movie is Ready or Not. It’s about a couple that just got married, and every new member who joins this family has to go through what’s like an initiation right after marriage. But this initiation is a night of games. In reality, the person draws a card with a game on it, and they have to play that game overnight. Of course, our dear protagonist draws the one game that should never be drawn—a life-or-death game. Well, for those who like thrillers, they’ll enjoy the movie.
So, we were in a wonderful setting, the weather was great, we were eating popcorn, drinking soda, and cuddling. At one point, a beautiful white bird flew over our heads—I thought it was amazing. It’s a whole new world. At the same time that I feel sad about not living here anymore, I’m also grateful to experience these things because I know a lot of people back in Brazil who will never have the opportunity to know a world like this—the world of entertainment, where the streets are clean, people are polite, many are honest, with amazing attractions, and playgrounds that aren’t destroyed by the people themselves.
After a wonderful night, we came back home, and we were already missing you. We thought the little miss joy would be asleep, but of course, you weren’t. Still, we were happy to be back, to have you at home, to hug you, and you slept with us, all cuddled up, happy to see us. A happy day in my happy place.
Can you believe that the refrigerator arrived on Friday as promised, but when it did, it didn’t fit through the door? In other words, the homeowner took the wrong measurements because your father overheard the delivery guy saying it wasn’t their fault, that they had passed along the measurements... So, we were left without a refrigerator. Then, out of frustration, my dad started to get angry, and my mom began to panic. But your dad suggested to the homeowner to try to buy us one of those small refrigerators that people sometimes keep even in their bedrooms. Surprisingly, he did exactly that, except instead of buying a tiny fridge that would have made it difficult to fit all the essentials, he bought a small refrigerator that was placed in the living room. That solved all our problems, and even though the fridge was small, it fit everything we needed. This is the kind of headache I told you about when it comes to business, in this case, rental property business. Especially those short-term rentals, for vacations or brief stays. When you rent for years, the furniture belongs to the tenant, so if something breaks, it's their problem.
On Sunday, Camila said we would finally go to the beach. I didn’t think it would work out for all of us to go because she wasn’t really talking to me and didn’t seem that interested. But I couldn’t be upset with her because she’s always been so helpful whenever I go there. Still, I kind of miss that reciprocity in friendship—not in a material sense, but in the sense of her wanting to spend time with me too. I know she’s really busy, and I understand how exhausting it must be for a mom working from home and taking care of a child. But she seemed so excited when I told her I was coming. She said we would go out a lot, visit several places, and go on a boat ride, but that didn’t happen. So far, I think we’ve seen her maybe two or three times, tops. The second time might have been just at the supermarket. I often feel that in friendships, I’m the one who puts in more effort most of the time. I won’t say all the time, because that would be an overgeneralization. But I expected to go out with her more, especially to take you to play with Luca, which should also interest her since he doesn’t have much interaction with other kids because he doesn’t go to school. And her other friend, who also has a baby around Luca’s age, lives nearby but in another city, so they don’t see each other often.
Anyway, on Sunday, we all went to the beach—my whole family, her family, and her in-laws, who are amazing people again.
I think we met at the beach around 11:30 am, if I’m not mistaken. It’s the same beach we went to last year with her, and it’s not really the sea, it’s more of a bay, so the water is really calm. It’s peaceful, especially because it’s a place not many people know about. Since it's small and unknown, it's practically empty, with no other people around.
The sun was really hot that day. I put sunscreen on you, reapplied it, and made sure you didn’t get burned like that one time in Caraguatatuba when you were just three months old and your poor little face got sunburned. But in exchange, I forgot to reapply sunscreen on myself and got really burned. My entire back was badly sunburned. That night, I suffered a lot. I think the worst places to get burned are your back and shoulders. Even though the face is dangerous for future skin cancer and you’re more likely to get wrinkles from sunburn, it doesn’t hurt as much.
"Once, I got a sunburn on the back of my legs while sleeping in the sun. I was at the beach, and though the sun wasn’t very strong, I forget that in addition to being very pale, there’s also the overcast sun. So, I was lying face down on the sand, with my butt up in the air. When I got home, the entire back of my legs was extremely sunburned. I might even have had heatstroke. It was awful, and really painful too.
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1 I’ll always try to take good care of you in that regard because sunburns are so painful. I think one of the reasons I didn’t like going to the beach in the past was because I had trauma from sunburns. My mom would put sunscreen on, but she wouldn’t reapply it, so we would get burned. Also, sunscreens in the past weren’t as good as the ones we have now.
Back to our beach adventure, we spent around 3 wonderful hours there, with you playing with Luca and eating snacks. Everyone brought something to eat, so it was really nice. I need more days like that, and you do too. Oh, my dear, I must admit, I would stay here forever. I love this place so much; it gives me peace, tranquility, and happiness.
This guy has already done enough damage, changing the entire judicial system apparently, arresting innocent people, applying laws that do not exist, sentencing innocent people for almost two decades with disproportionate sentences, and much more. He is a guy whose heart is hollow, a psychopath.
Just so you have an idea, there are 195 countries and less than 10, TEN have Twitter blocked, and those that do are countries with communist regimes and dictators in power. So, do I really need to explain that we are now part of the less than 10 countries with censorship on social media? And even fewer countries ban VPNs. Some of them: Iran, China, Iraq... countries that are super well-regarded worldwide (sarcasm).
Censorship is a dangerous tool that governments use to control and manipulate public discourse, which has far-reaching negative consequences. When a government dictates what its citizens can say, do, or watch, it infringes on the fundamental human right to freedom of expression. This freedom is crucial for individual autonomy, allowing people to express their thoughts, beliefs, and opinions without fear of punishment. Without it, society risks falling into a state of intellectual stagnation, where critical thinking is discouraged, and diverse perspectives are suppressed.
The excuse given for banning the former Twitter in Brazil is that they removed the country's representatives, meaning there’s no Brazilian operating the company here. Besides being idiotic, this excuse is terrible considering that other platforms, like X-videos and Bluesky, operate normally here without a representative, and you can access them without needing a VPN, even without local representation. Moreover, Elon Musk only removed the representatives because Alexandre de Moraes was freezing employees' accounts and threatening them with prison. Of course, Musk would remove his staff when they were being threatened. I wonder how people can’t understand this, the reason for removing representation from Brazil.
And all of this only happened because he (Moraes) started giving orders to take down more and more accounts on Twitter without offering any explanation or reason for wanting them suspended. It was later shown in the files exposed by Musk that he simply ordered accounts to be banned whenever he took issue with someone's post. And all of these were right-wing accounts, NONE from the left. A Supreme Court Justice should always be, today and forever, IMPARTIAL."
One of the main reasons censorship is harmful is that it limits access to information. When governments restrict what people can read, watch, or share, they undermine the public's ability to make educated decisions. When governments ban certain platforms or information sources, they create an environment where only approved ideas can thrive, which can lead to authoritarian control over knowledge and truth.
For instance, when a government bans a social network like Twitter, it cuts off a vital avenue for public discussion and activism. Social media has become a critical space for political engagement. Moreover, the banning of social networks is not just an attack on free speech, but also a method of control over the flow of information. Governments often justify these actions by claiming that they are protecting national security or preventing the spread of harmful content, but these justifications are frequently used to silence political opposition and criticism. This kind of control not only limits the public's ability to criticize the government but also creates an echo chamber where only government-approved narratives are allowed. This lack of diversity in viewpoints leads to a misinformed populace, easily manipulated by state-controlled media.
The restriction of VPNs (Virtual Private Networks) in some countries is another example of how governments attempt to control the internet and its users. VPNs allow people to access content that might be censored in their country, giving them a way to bypass government surveillance and restrictions. By banning VPNs, governments effectively trap their citizens in a bubble of controlled information, cutting them off from the global exchange of ideas. Countries like China, Iran, and Iraq are notorious for such restrictions, and their heavy-handed approach to internet censorship has drawn widespread criticism. These countries are not known for their commitment to democratic principles, and their restrictions on online freedom highlight the dangers of letting any government dictate what its citizens can access.
And to finish, censorship is a tool of oppression, used by those in power to maintain control over the populace. A government that seeks to limit what people can say, watch, or do is a government that fears its own people. When freedom of expression is restricted, society loses its ability to question, to challenge, and to grow. Banning social media and restricting access to tools like VPNs are just modern extensions of an age-old desire to control the narrative and suppress dissent. The fight against censorship is, therefore, a fight for the preservation of democracy, individual autonomy, and the free exchange of ideas that drives human progress.
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