To my daughter Melanie (May 2024)

 01/05 Chapter 245: A love no one could deny

Today was the day to take your paternal grandparents to the airport and say goodbye, and to welcome back your maternal grandparents who arrived super happy from their trip to Cancun.

As soon as you saw Grandpa Ronaldo, you gave him a tight hug and didn't want to let go. He told my mom that he was touched to see so much affection and love from you. You give him so much love... Grandma was also very happy, but not the same as Grandpa.

They were radiant from a well-deserved and restful trip, even though it was only a week. Your grandma brought a beautiful set of baby clothes from Cancun that looked adorable on you, and a wonderful embroidered dress. Always thinking of the grandchildren. They also bought a Frozen color-changing T-shirt for you and a Mickey one for Rafinha, but you liked Mickey more. You're in your "Mickey and Minnie" phase.

We ended the day with a good barbecue, and you stayed with your grandparents while your dad and I took your paternal grandparents to the airport. Your dad helped your grandparents with their suitcase and came back sad to say goodbye to them, which is normal. Your dad and I are very attached to our family, and we consider family something essential and crucial in our lives, and I hope we can pass on these values to you as well.

Although your grandparents were not as close to their own families, they are very present in their children's lives, and your grandma is especially attached to your dad among all her children. Your paternal grandparents are older than your maternal grandparents, and your dad is terrified of losing them and having little time with them. We know it's the cycle of life, but just thinking about losing our parents is a terrible pain. Despite not being very present in your life due to the distance, your grandparents are amazing, special, affectionate, loving, kind, polite people, and whenever they can, they cross the continent to see you. That's truly something special, never stop showing affection to them in the "little" time we have with our beloved parents, your grandparents. Your dad never experienced this famous love from grandparents; it's incredible!

We spent the last few days very well with your grandparents, just staying in the mountains, unfortunately, we didn't go to the beach because they were also very tired from the previous trip to Bolivia, after all, they are getting older. For me, it doesn't take much to tire me out, a trip like that to Bolivia would knock me out for months. Hahaha.

The only outing we did was to go to Avenida Paulista, which your grandparents wanted to visit because they have a travel book and the part about Brazil talks about Avenida Paulista, so your dad asked us to go on Sunday, and so we did.

Avenida Paulista is where the largest number of commercial buildings are concentrated, I believe it's very focused on the professional area there, and it also has many restaurants, entertainment venues, malls, it's a more expensive area of São Paulo.

But Paulista is also known as a very alternative zone, there are very different people there, I don't know why, but on this specific avenue, in these streets of Avenida Paulista, there are many homosexual couples, which is totally normal nowadays, the only thing I can't understand is why there are so many homosexual couples concentrated in this specific location. I believe maybe because there are more attractions there like bars and clubs? I can't say. For example, in the United States, the city of San Francisco is known as a city with many homosexual couples, but it's the city and not a specific street, and here it's the street. And this has been going on for a long time, since the time I studied theater on Rua Frei Caneca.

I find this interesting, a street, avenue, a specific point of an entire city having a concentration of a specific group of people. Although in the United States, this is very common, when I went there for the first time and saw that there were neighborhoods of white people, neighborhoods of black people, shops frequented only by people of one ethnicity, I was quite scared because I had never seen that before.

Anyway, I hope the days your grandparents spent here were good for them, that they were able to enjoy your company, that you are more attached to them, and that even with the distance, we create a loving bond that doesn't break. Family is very important to both me and your dad; we love our parents unconditionally. It's interesting because your dad's parents didn't have much of this connection with family compared to my family, as I told you, and they didn't even have contact with grandparents, cousins, etc. But even without having had that connection with family, your dad's parents are very present in his life. So, I hope you have that too. I know that if we live in the United States, the concept of family gets a little lost because when you turn 18, you go to college and only see the family on holidays once you start college until the rest of your life, but I hope that's not your case. I know we raise children for the world, and children are like little birds that we must let fly into the world, but just the thought of not seeing you every day breaks my heart.

Know, daughter, that you can always count on me; I loved you even before I knew you. I loved you even before you were born. I always dreamed of you, and you manage to be even more perfect than I ever dreamed.

I confess that I'm afraid every day of losing you; I can't imagine what would happen to me if something happened to you. I think it's every parent's nightmare, and all parents have probably thought about it. But God willing, we'll have many years ahead together, and we'll be able to live even more stories than we already have.

I also hope that despite the distance, we can create a good connection between you and your paternal grandparents. They are excellent people, with cultures very different from mine and my family's in Brazil, but still kind, loving, compassionate, trustworthy human beings. That's where your father's heart comes from too. And to think that my parents and your father's parents are getting old, and one day we'll lose them to the world, that also makes me gradually lose my mind. Life has its moments of happiness, but it's also a bit complicated because you spend your whole life seeing people you love leaving, whether it's due to death or life events.

I also can't imagine a world without my mother, but the more days, weeks, months, and years go by, the more I know that it will become a reality that I'll have to accept one day. I just don't know how yet. I've been very lucky to have a wonderful family, and by family, I mean my parents who have always been incredible parents. And my mother, what a sweet woman... She dedicated her role as a mother with excellence, perhaps even too much. My sister and I often unfairly treated my mother. I hope to be for you what my mother was for me. If I'm at least half of that, consider yourself lucky. I'll try my best. But one thing I promise you, I'll love you with every fiber of my being.

02/05 Chapter 246: Just one spark starts a fire

Yesterday you slept at your grandparents' house, and your father and I had a night to ourselves. We took the opportunity to watch movies and indulge in snacks. However, I had a horrible nightmare about my mother. I woke up screaming, and your father tried to calm me down, but the interesting thing is that every time I tried to go back to sleep, I returned to the same dream. I don't know how on earth that's possible. And it wasn't just once; it happened several times.

I dreamed that my mother was missing, and both your father, my sister, and I were desperate, trying to gather information about her. But days passed, and we had no news, and we know that with each passing day, it becomes more unlikely for a missing person to be alive. At least that's what I've heard, that the longer it takes, the more complicated the case becomes. I know there was a period of time without her returning home, and we were already considering the worst. I remember in my dream that I was screaming, screaming, and screaming at the supposed death of my mother because we had already assumed she was dead. I remember my sister also suffered, and my father, but I was clearly the worst affected. And I reached such a low point that obviously my depression came back worse than ever, and your father, with no patience left, filed for custody of you so that he could take care of you because I was not in a condition to raise you.

If that wasn't enough to mess up a mother's and daughter's heads - even if it was just a nightmare - then I don't know what is. Later, I don't remember why, but I was able to see what happened to my mother, as if I were a spirit witnessing it from outside. She had gotten out of a car, someone approached her, and for some reason, that person hit my mother on the head with a rock twice. And it wasn't just any rock; it was a big one, causing my mother to collapse immediately between the street and the sidewalk. And there she lay unconscious on the ground, with only her feet visible from underneath the car I was supposedly behind in some way. And there I was certain that my mother was dead.

It was just a terrible, terrible dream that I would do anything to erase from my mind. Not that I haven't had horrible dreams before, I have. I've even dreamt that the whole family died violently, someone breaking into the house and killing everyone, etc. But then I usually end up forgetting the dream somehow, and this one I remember exactly what I dreamt, it's not leaving my head. Normally, you don't remember the dream when you wake up, a few minutes or hours later, but you don't stay days with that dream exactly as it happened, playing in your head, and that's what was happening to me. But I tried to push the thought away and considered it just a nightmare.

Later my mother came home to pick me up so we could go together to the pulmonary doctor for her seventh injection. Now, daughter, there are only 3 left. But that's my concern; I think a lot about what will happen when these doses are over. Does that mean you could become susceptible again to any virus and bacteria and develop a respiratory condition? So wouldn't it be better to have treatment forever? Well, I'm joking, I know forever is a long time, but at least for a while? I don't know. When it's the last session, I'll talk to the doctor about it.

I know that when we got there, you cried a lot while getting the injection, and it always breaks my heart. As soon as we arrived at the doctor's office door, you started crying because you already associated that this is where you feel pain. But for a one-and-a-half-year-old like you, just the fact of being at the door of the office, on a huge street with a very small door, shows how smart you are.

This time we weren't attended to quickly because we arrived a little late, and the doctor was already seeing another patient. This doctor pays a lot of attention during private consultations and spends a good amount of time with each patient. So we waited for about an hour before we could finally go in, and in the meantime, you stayed in the playroom and forgot about crying a little. But as soon as we stepped into the doctor's office, you started crying again before even getting the injection.

Dr. Humberto, for example, is my favorite doctor, and I've seen quite a few pediatricians. But I find him very attentive; I adore him! However, his office itself tends to drive some patients away. Firstly, not only because it's in a commercial building but because this commercial building charges a hefty parking fee. So every time I take you there, I end up spending R$30 on parking, which isn't cheap. Secondly, his schedule is disorganized because he doesn't manage the scheduled medical appointments properly through his secretary. If he spends about an hour or so on each consultation, let's say even half an hour on some patients who don't require as much attention, he should schedule appointments for at least 40 minutes minimum, so people don't wait as long and it doesn't end up piling up and causing a domino effect on subsequent appointments.

Another thing to mention is his office itself. Now we know that that office is indeed his own, it's not rented, but it's a very small office, the smallest among all the doctors I've taken you to, including specialists. It's an environment that can accommodate a maximum of four or five people, whereas he has many more patients than that, and there are no attractions or toys for children, which should be very urgent because people end up waiting a long time to be seen, so children end up getting very bored. Also, inside his office, it's very small, it's even difficult to move around inside.

And the final point I would make is that his office is right next to the waiting room, meaning you can hear all the consultations being conducted if you're waiting. And often, Dr. Humberto talks about random things that aren't related to medicine or focused on the patient. And that's okay, some doctors do talk and make friends with the child's parents, but the problem is, for example, your father and I discuss things like the COVID vaccine for children, which he is totally against, like us. But can you imagine if there are three of his patients in the waiting room who are in favor of it and hear him say that? They won't come back. All this because people can easily hear everything he says through that thin wall, and I think that's really bad for him. Other times we talk about politics and how much we dislike President Lula; can you imagine if there's someone in the next room who voted for Lula? Some people take that very personally and end up not returning. Not to mention that some parents will get quite nervous as they've been waiting a while listening to a doctor talking about things unrelated to medicine, and that's why sometimes people end up not returning. That's why think these investments are necessary.

So let's suppose that Dr. Humberto invested in a larger space, in a better location. It's a fact that he'll end up with some extra expenses considering that the current office he's working in is his own, he doesn't have rent expenses. However, he could rent out that office, which he owns, and thus a new, larger space (which will definitely be more expensive because it's in a bigger and better environment) but with the rent value from his property, he can already reduce that expense a little. And having a better location, with a larger environment, he ends up gaining more patients, that's a fact. Because people will feel more comfortable, they'll think he's even a better doctor for being in a better environment, because appearances matter.

Of course, he doesn't need to prove his worth to anyone, but this is investing in his career so that in the end, he ends up gaining more patients and consequently more money. If the secretary managed his schedule better, and if the office was separated from the waiting room, making it practically impossible for people to hear what's going on inside his office, no one would be bothered by the fact that it's taking so long for random reasons. If he had a playroom or some toys even in a larger room, in a larger space, the children would end up being entertained, demanding less attention from their parents. Crying less, irritating their parents less. So I think it's an investment, you know?

The same goes for the doctor we took you to for your injection today. His consultation fee is R$680, he has several patients, not to mention the treatments he also does for each patient. So he ends up making good money. Why not take a little bit of that money to pay for a cleaner since his space is better, maybe invest in some other toys, I don't know. It seems like people don't think much about investing; they're afraid to invest their money and not get a return, I don't know. But anyway, I think that's not my problem. The important thing is that we have good doctors, the environment matters little. Sometimes one spark is enough to start a fire (in this case, in a good way. A wise investment can lead to something huge)

03/05 Chapter 247: It's burning, I rather be numb

You won't believe it. I had another horrible dream about your grandma for the second consecutive night. This has never happened before; I woke up worried and fearful. I spent a few minutes tossing and turning in bed, thinking. I don't know which dream was worse, the one from the previous night or this one.

In this nightmare, we were walking up the old street where we used to live on foot with some other people whom I can't remember now. It was raining heavily, with lots of lightning. It was difficult for us to walk on the street with so much rain, but we were walking nonetheless. Your grandma commented to me and the others with us that despite people talking a lot about lightning striking trees and killing someone, the chance is very low. And as soon as she said that, a lightning bolt hit a giant tree right in front of us, and I screamed for everyone to stop right where they were. Nothing happened to the tree, but a second lightning bolt caused the tree to fall rapidly onto one of the people with us; one of the thin branches hit the person directly. The problem is that after hitting this person, which doesn't make any sense, but when the tree hit the ground and bounced back, it came towards me and my mom. There's no forgetting the terror on my mom's face as she saw the tree coming towards us shortly after mentioning that just a bit earlier. Her face was horrified, and as the tree in slow motion took its time to hit us, we moved our bodies backward trying to escape being engulfed by the tree.

I can't forget the look of fear on my mom's face; I feel sick just thinking about it. As if her horrified and fearful face wasn't enough, the branches fell on me, but the trunk of the tree, the part where a tree is rooted, was very large and thick, and it hit my mom's head directly, crushing her skull. After it crushed her, everything went blank, and I don't know what happened next. All I know is that it was impossible for my mom to have survived that scene. Her face looked like Glenn's from The Walking Dead when he was hit directly by the bat.

I woke up horrified, struggling to breathe, and tossed in bed. Two consecutive nightmares about my mom? Two graphic nightmares like this, both showing that the accident was on her head? Could this be a warning? Is my mom in some kind of danger? Does she have something on her mind? Or are these just two nightmares that don't mean anything in real life? It could be, but the fact that both were completely different deaths but focused heavily on the head left me stunned.

I'll tell you something that happened when I was a child. I don't know if I have some kind of sensitivity, if there's some sort of connection because I don't believe in spirits and life after death, so it would be kind of nonsensical for me to believe in that. But when I was a child, I had a dream too. As I told you, I was in the hospital for a few weeks, fighting to stay alive. It was a nightmare for everyone, and many people made promises for me to get out of that situation, and with my mom, it was no different. She promised that if I got out of that situation alive, she would go to Aparecida every year, which is a city here where there's one of the most famous churches, to thank for me being alive. And until I was about 10 years old, she did it religiously, but one of those times, the day before she went, I slept at my cousin Leonardo's house, who was the same age as me, and we were very close. We played video games together, and so on. I slept at his house because the next day my mom was going to Aparecida with my grandparents and my aunt, so I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, so I took advantage and stayed at my cousin's house. But when I slept there, I had a nightmare during the night. The nightmare was this: They were going with my grandfather's car to the city of Aparecida, and I remember my grandfather's car was blue to this day, a light, baby blue, and it really was his car. And they took a rainy day on one of the mountain roads. They collided with a motorcycle, but when trying to swerve away from the motorcycle, they rolled down a cliff, causing the car to catch fire.

I called my mom in the middle of the night, desperate, asking her to come pick me up. I already had trouble sleeping at other people's houses, and having a nightmare like that, oh my goodness. I've always been very attached to my mom and I've always been very afraid of something happening to her, and that kept me awake and distressed. I know I told her about the nightmare and she tried to calm me down, lying and saying she wouldn't go so I could be at ease. But I knew my mom and I knew she was lying, so I made her pick me up anyway to prevent her from going to Aparecida. After all, who would believe a child's nightmare? Normal, right? I know my parents had to leave in the middle of the night to pick me up from my cousin Leonardo's house, thankfully it was nearby.

After picking me up, and after insisting a lot for my mom not to go, she came from my desperation to actually reassure me she wasn't going. She notified the others involved the next day, and I finally managed to calm down. I know that in the late afternoon, it started raining, and while watching a soap opera with me, even my dad was there, and mind you, he's not one to watch soap operas, but I don't know why that day he was sitting on the couch with us, there was a breaking news report that only appears for urgent news. Nowadays, we don't even have that anymore, but back then, it was like that, and there was a very specific music that scared everyone. And in that news report, it practically covered the dream I had...

Sure, it wasn't exactly identical, e.g the color of the car, I don't remember the details, but I remember that there was an accident on the Aparecida road due to weather, and it was very similar to what I dreamed.

I remember my parents being speechless, as was I, even though I was so young. We stood there for a few minutes, staring at the television, and I think at that moment they took me seriously. We didn't talk much about it, but I remember it was quite impactful for me.

I remember another time that was quite strange too. Raquel, my childhood friend, dated a boy named Bruno for a very short period when she was around 12 or 13. Those pre-adolescent relationships. He was someone I had some contact with, as he was dating a close friend of mine, but I never became very close to him.

When Raquel moved to Japan at around 13 or 14, I never saw that boy again, or if I did see him, I never talked to him again. And when I was around 16, I remember dreaming perfectly that this boy had added me on Facebook after so many years without seeing or talking to each other, I don't know. This specific boy. And when I woke up, I checked my social networks as I always did, and that boy had indeed added me on Facebook. How can a dream show something that hasn't happened yet? It's so bizarre; I've never been able to understand these two episodes. Could it be some kind of sixth sense, premonition? But even if it is, how does it actually happen in practice? It's such a bizarre, surreal thing. For me to believe that I have some kind of mediumship or premonition, would I have to believe in something beyond life? Or is that not necessary? I don't know, I really don't know how this works.

But precisely because I've had these two bizarre episodes in my life, I became concerned about my mother's dream. Why two consecutive dreams and two nightmares that focused so much on her head? Could they be some sort of warning? I don't know, but all I know is that I managed to convince her to get a tomography scan, and God willing, everything will be fine, and this will be just an episode of a common nightmare that lasted for two consecutive nights. I don't want to and can't be right this time. I can't imagine living in a world without my mother.

04/05 Chapter 248: A child is a choice you make everyday

Today was Letícia's second day as your nanny. Letícia was a teacher from your preschool whom you were very attached to. After your hospitalizations, you stayed out of school for over three months, and when you returned, your adaptation was a bit difficult; you cried a lot, something that didn't happen when you first started school at nine months old. When you returned to school, the only person you wanted to be with was Letícia; you would stay in her arms and only wanted to be with her. I've mentioned to you before that when you were hospitalized in February, I had talked to her to see if she was interested in being your private nanny and leaving the preschool, and everything happened as it did. Now she's about to get married, so she'll only have two weeks with you, but even so, on the second day, you're very happy to have her around, and you'll definitely become very attached to her in those two weeks, which will make it hard when she leaves.

On the first day she arrived, you were a bit shy, it took you a little while to loosen up, but after a while, you became quite comfortable; by the second day, you were already very attached to her. But the second day was different; I took Letícia to my parents' house because Rafinha was there and I wanted both of them to play in her company since both you and Rafinha are very fond of her. So Rafinha would feel very happy and comfortable in her presence too. Of course, my mother paid extra for Letícia to take care of both of you, but she enjoyed going there. I also went to my parents' house because another batch of goods arrived for my customers, and I needed to sort everything out. But there was so much to do that time flew by, and I could hardly get anything in order. It was very distressing.

I know Rafinha slept in the afternoon for over an hour, and you missed some of that time. You tried to sleep but couldn't; whenever you're around Rafinha, my parents, or other children, you become very excited, very happy, and can't sleep or rest. So, even though you were tired, exhausted, crying all the time, we couldn't get you to sleep. You insisted so much that I finally gave in and let you wake Rafinha up so you could play for another hour before we took Letícia back to São Paulo. You played and had a lot of fun. My mom set up a table for you, and you sat there at the kids' table eating cheese bread, super happy.

Then my sister arrived, chatted a bit with Letícia, and she kindly offered to take Letícia to São Paulo for me and my mom while I finished packing the orders for my clients. It took me quite a while to finish the packages, and I asked my mom if you could sleep at grandpa's house because then I would go to the apartment to be with your dad since he didn't come this afternoon, so I would return to stay with him; I'd already be there tomorrow in the apartment because tomorrow is the big day of my Instagram Sales Live, and I'm quite anxious. I'm picking up Pietra tomorrow so she can help and assist me during this live.

My parents agreed, so you slept at their house, and I thought you would sleep super early because since you don't nap in the afternoon, usually by 9 or 9:30 p.m., you're already out. But to my surprise, we managed to keep you entertained with Rafinha's presence for so long that you went to bed around 11:15 p.m., much to your mom's surprise.

Before that, we had pizza as a family, and I took a pizza box for your dad to eat too. When I got there, it was already past 11, so we couldn't watch movies or stay up late.

Now, here's an interesting tidbit about being a nanny. I told you that I was a nanny in the United States, but it was different with the two families. In the second family, both the mother and father worked all day, so they saw their children very little because the kids went to bed super early and woke up super early for school, so in reality, they only had their kids' presence on weekends because during the week when they returned, the children were already asleep. It's sad, but the parents were working; it's not because they didn't want to be with their children. The first family was different, though. The father worked, but the mother stayed home all day doing who knows what. Many times, I saw her pumping milk, and I overheard some conversations understanding that the husband didn't want her to go back to work, that it wasn't necessary, but she missed it. However, the problem wasn't that; the problem was that I spent the whole day playing with Isabel, and not once did she play with her kid. She didn't sit down to play with her child; she didn't interact with her child. She really hired a nanny so she wouldn't have to play with her daughter or dedicate her time to her daughter. And when I started taking care of the baby, it was the same thing; she didn't put the child to sleep, she didn't give a bottle, absolutely nothing, I did everything.

With me, it's different. Letícia takes care of you, but many times you ask for my presence or your dad's, tapping your little hand on the floor and asking us to sit next to you, and we immediately do. Despite having the nanny here to help us do our things, we still carve out time for you and want to be with you. We want you to know that even though we're working, we're with you too, and we'll continue to give you attention and play with you. So, many times you're with Letícia, but you call us to play, and we play together. Many times you ask for my lap specifically, and I hold you for a while. When you're tired and sleepy, I'm the one who puts you to bed because otherwise, you can't sleep. So, I've noticed this a lot; even though there's a nanny, it's the same way it works. A child needs a mother's attention and affection too. A child needs the mother to dedicate time to play and care for her daughter or son in general. Deep down, I felt sorry for Isabel and Liam because they could be well-off, have everything they wanted, but they didn't have much of their mother's presence, or even their father's, but I saw that the father interacted a bit more than the mother.