01/05 Chapter 245: A love no one could deny
Today was the day to take your paternal grandparents to the airport and say goodbye, and to welcome back your maternal grandparents who arrived super happy from their trip to Cancun.
As soon as you saw Grandpa Ronaldo, you gave him a tight hug and didn't want to let go. He told my mom that he was touched to see so much affection and love from you. You give him so much love... Grandma was also very happy, but not the same as Grandpa.
They were radiant from a well-deserved and restful trip, even though it was only a week. Your grandma brought a beautiful set of baby clothes from Cancun that looked adorable on you, and a wonderful embroidered dress. Always thinking of the grandchildren. They also bought a Frozen color-changing T-shirt for you and a Mickey one for Rafinha, but you liked Mickey more. You're in your "Mickey and Minnie" phase.
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We ended the day with a good barbecue, and you stayed with your grandparents while your dad and I took your paternal grandparents to the airport. Your dad helped your grandparents with their suitcase and came back sad to say goodbye to them, which is normal. Your dad and I are very attached to our family, and we consider family something essential and crucial in our lives, and I hope we can pass on these values to you as well.
Although your grandparents were not as close to their own families, they are very present in their children's lives, and your grandma is especially attached to your dad among all her children. Your paternal grandparents are older than your maternal grandparents, and your dad is terrified of losing them and having little time with them. We know it's the cycle of life, but just thinking about losing our parents is a terrible pain. Despite not being very present in your life due to the distance, your grandparents are amazing, special, affectionate, loving, kind, polite people, and whenever they can, they cross the continent to see you. That's truly something special, never stop showing affection to them in the "little" time we have with our beloved parents, your grandparents. Your dad never experienced this famous love from grandparents; it's incredible!
We spent the last few days very well with your grandparents, just staying in the mountains, unfortunately, we didn't go to the beach because they were also very tired from the previous trip to Bolivia, after all, they are getting older. For me, it doesn't take much to tire me out, a trip like that to Bolivia would knock me out for months. Hahaha.
The only outing we did was to go to Avenida Paulista, which your grandparents wanted to visit because they have a travel book and the part about Brazil talks about Avenida Paulista, so your dad asked us to go on Sunday, and so we did.
Avenida Paulista is where the largest number of commercial buildings are concentrated, I believe it's very focused on the professional area there, and it also has many restaurants, entertainment venues, malls, it's a more expensive area of São Paulo.
But Paulista is also known as a very alternative zone, there are very different people there, I don't know why, but on this specific avenue, in these streets of Avenida Paulista, there are many homosexual couples, which is totally normal nowadays, the only thing I can't understand is why there are so many homosexual couples concentrated in this specific location. I believe maybe because there are more attractions there like bars and clubs? I can't say. For example, in the United States, the city of San Francisco is known as a city with many homosexual couples, but it's the city and not a specific street, and here it's the street. And this has been going on for a long time, since the time I studied theater on Rua Frei Caneca.
I find this interesting, a street, avenue, a specific point of an entire city having a concentration of a specific group of people. Although in the United States, this is very common, when I went there for the first time and saw that there were neighborhoods of white people, neighborhoods of black people, shops frequented only by people of one ethnicity, I was quite scared because I had never seen that before.
Anyway, I hope the days your grandparents spent here were good for them, that they were able to enjoy your company, that you are more attached to them, and that even with the distance, we create a loving bond that doesn't break. Family is very important to both me and your dad; we love our parents unconditionally. It's interesting because your dad's parents didn't have much of this connection with family compared to my family, as I told you, and they didn't even have contact with grandparents, cousins, etc. But even without having had that connection with family, your dad's parents are very present in his life. So, I hope you have that too. I know that if we live in the United States, the concept of family gets a little lost because when you turn 18, you go to college and only see the family on holidays once you start college until the rest of your life, but I hope that's not your case. I know we raise children for the world, and children are like little birds that we must let fly into the world, but just the thought of not seeing you every day breaks my heart.
Know, daughter, that you can always count on me; I loved you even before I knew you. I loved you even before you were born. I always dreamed of you, and you manage to be even more perfect than I ever dreamed.
I confess that I'm afraid every day of losing you; I can't imagine what would happen to me if something happened to you. I think it's every parent's nightmare, and all parents have probably thought about it. But God willing, we'll have many years ahead together, and we'll be able to live even more stories than we already have.
I also hope that despite the distance, we can create a good connection between you and your paternal grandparents. They are excellent people, with cultures very different from mine and my family's in Brazil, but still kind, loving, compassionate, trustworthy human beings. That's where your father's heart comes from too. And to think that my parents and your father's parents are getting old, and one day we'll lose them to the world, that also makes me gradually lose my mind. Life has its moments of happiness, but it's also a bit complicated because you spend your whole life seeing people you love leaving, whether it's due to death or life events.
I also can't imagine a world without my mother, but the more days, weeks, months, and years go by, the more I know that it will become a reality that I'll have to accept one day. I just don't know how yet. I've been very lucky to have a wonderful family, and by family, I mean my parents who have always been incredible parents. And my mother, what a sweet woman... She dedicated her role as a mother with excellence, perhaps even too much. My sister and I often unfairly treated my mother. I hope to be for you what my mother was for me. If I'm at least half of that, consider yourself lucky. I'll try my best. But one thing I promise you, I'll love you with every fiber of my being.
02/05 Chapter 246: Just one spark starts a fire
Yesterday you slept at your grandparents' house, and your father and I had a night to ourselves. We took the opportunity to watch movies and indulge in snacks. However, I had a horrible nightmare about my mother. I woke up screaming, and your father tried to calm me down, but the interesting thing is that every time I tried to go back to sleep, I returned to the same dream. I don't know how on earth that's possible. And it wasn't just once; it happened several times.
I dreamed that my mother was missing, and both your father, my sister, and I were desperate, trying to gather information about her. But days passed, and we had no news, and we know that with each passing day, it becomes more unlikely for a missing person to be alive. At least that's what I've heard, that the longer it takes, the more complicated the case becomes. I know there was a period of time without her returning home, and we were already considering the worst. I remember in my dream that I was screaming, screaming, and screaming at the supposed death of my mother because we had already assumed she was dead. I remember my sister also suffered, and my father, but I was clearly the worst affected. And I reached such a low point that obviously my depression came back worse than ever, and your father, with no patience left, filed for custody of you so that he could take care of you because I was not in a condition to raise you.
If that wasn't enough to mess up a mother's and daughter's heads - even if it was just a nightmare - then I don't know what is. Later, I don't remember why, but I was able to see what happened to my mother, as if I were a spirit witnessing it from outside. She had gotten out of a car, someone approached her, and for some reason, that person hit my mother on the head with a rock twice. And it wasn't just any rock; it was a big one, causing my mother to collapse immediately between the street and the sidewalk. And there she lay unconscious on the ground, with only her feet visible from underneath the car I was supposedly behind in some way. And there I was certain that my mother was dead.
It was just a terrible, terrible dream that I would do anything to erase from my mind. Not that I haven't had horrible dreams before, I have. I've even dreamt that the whole family died violently, someone breaking into the house and killing everyone, etc. But then I usually end up forgetting the dream somehow, and this one I remember exactly what I dreamt, it's not leaving my head. Normally, you don't remember the dream when you wake up, a few minutes or hours later, but you don't stay days with that dream exactly as it happened, playing in your head, and that's what was happening to me. But I tried to push the thought away and considered it just a nightmare.
Later my mother came home to pick me up so we could go together to the pulmonary doctor for her seventh injection. Now, daughter, there are only 3 left. But that's my concern; I think a lot about what will happen when these doses are over. Does that mean you could become susceptible again to any virus and bacteria and develop a respiratory condition? So wouldn't it be better to have treatment forever? Well, I'm joking, I know forever is a long time, but at least for a while? I don't know. When it's the last session, I'll talk to the doctor about it.
I know that when we got there, you cried a lot while getting the injection, and it always breaks my heart. As soon as we arrived at the doctor's office door, you started crying because you already associated that this is where you feel pain. But for a one-and-a-half-year-old like you, just the fact of being at the door of the office, on a huge street with a very small door, shows how smart you are.
This time we weren't attended to quickly because we arrived a little late, and the doctor was already seeing another patient. This doctor pays a lot of attention during private consultations and spends a good amount of time with each patient. So we waited for about an hour before we could finally go in, and in the meantime, you stayed in the playroom and forgot about crying a little. But as soon as we stepped into the doctor's office, you started crying again before even getting the injection.
Dr. Humberto, for example, is my favorite doctor, and I've seen quite a few pediatricians. But I find him very attentive; I adore him! However, his office itself tends to drive some patients away. Firstly, not only because it's in a commercial building but because this commercial building charges a hefty parking fee. So every time I take you there, I end up spending R$30 on parking, which isn't cheap. Secondly, his schedule is disorganized because he doesn't manage the scheduled medical appointments properly through his secretary. If he spends about an hour or so on each consultation, let's say even half an hour on some patients who don't require as much attention, he should schedule appointments for at least 40 minutes minimum, so people don't wait as long and it doesn't end up piling up and causing a domino effect on subsequent appointments.
Another thing to mention is his office itself. Now we know that that office is indeed his own, it's not rented, but it's a very small office, the smallest among all the doctors I've taken you to, including specialists. It's an environment that can accommodate a maximum of four or five people, whereas he has many more patients than that, and there are no attractions or toys for children, which should be very urgent because people end up waiting a long time to be seen, so children end up getting very bored. Also, inside his office, it's very small, it's even difficult to move around inside.
And the final point I would make is that his office is right next to the waiting room, meaning you can hear all the consultations being conducted if you're waiting. And often, Dr. Humberto talks about random things that aren't related to medicine or focused on the patient. And that's okay, some doctors do talk and make friends with the child's parents, but the problem is, for example, your father and I discuss things like the COVID vaccine for children, which he is totally against, like us. But can you imagine if there are three of his patients in the waiting room who are in favor of it and hear him say that? They won't come back. All this because people can easily hear everything he says through that thin wall, and I think that's really bad for him. Other times we talk about politics and how much we dislike President Lula; can you imagine if there's someone in the next room who voted for Lula? Some people take that very personally and end up not returning. Not to mention that some parents will get quite nervous as they've been waiting a while listening to a doctor talking about things unrelated to medicine, and that's why sometimes people end up not returning. That's why think these investments are necessary.
So let's suppose that Dr. Humberto invested in a larger space, in a better location. It's a fact that he'll end up with some extra expenses considering that the current office he's working in is his own, he doesn't have rent expenses. However, he could rent out that office, which he owns, and thus a new, larger space (which will definitely be more expensive because it's in a bigger and better environment) but with the rent value from his property, he can already reduce that expense a little. And having a better location, with a larger environment, he ends up gaining more patients, that's a fact. Because people will feel more comfortable, they'll think he's even a better doctor for being in a better environment, because appearances matter.
Of course, he doesn't need to prove his worth to anyone, but this is investing in his career so that in the end, he ends up gaining more patients and consequently more money. If the secretary managed his schedule better, and if the office was separated from the waiting room, making it practically impossible for people to hear what's going on inside his office, no one would be bothered by the fact that it's taking so long for random reasons. If he had a playroom or some toys even in a larger room, in a larger space, the children would end up being entertained, demanding less attention from their parents. Crying less, irritating their parents less. So I think it's an investment, you know?
The same goes for the doctor we took you to for your injection today. His consultation fee is R$680, he has several patients, not to mention the treatments he also does for each patient. So he ends up making good money. Why not take a little bit of that money to pay for a cleaner since his space is better, maybe invest in some other toys, I don't know. It seems like people don't think much about investing; they're afraid to invest their money and not get a return, I don't know. But anyway, I think that's not my problem. The important thing is that we have good doctors, the environment matters little. Sometimes one spark is enough to start a fire (in this case, in a good way. A wise investment can lead to something huge)
03/05 Chapter 247: It's burning, I rather be numb
You won't believe it. I had another horrible dream about your grandma for the second consecutive night. This has never happened before; I woke up worried and fearful. I spent a few minutes tossing and turning in bed, thinking. I don't know which dream was worse, the one from the previous night or this one.
In this nightmare, we were walking up the old street where we used to live on foot with some other people whom I can't remember now. It was raining heavily, with lots of lightning. It was difficult for us to walk on the street with so much rain, but we were walking nonetheless. Your grandma commented to me and the others with us that despite people talking a lot about lightning striking trees and killing someone, the chance is very low. And as soon as she said that, a lightning bolt hit a giant tree right in front of us, and I screamed for everyone to stop right where they were. Nothing happened to the tree, but a second lightning bolt caused the tree to fall rapidly onto one of the people with us; one of the thin branches hit the person directly. The problem is that after hitting this person, which doesn't make any sense, but when the tree hit the ground and bounced back, it came towards me and my mom. There's no forgetting the terror on my mom's face as she saw the tree coming towards us shortly after mentioning that just a bit earlier. Her face was horrified, and as the tree in slow motion took its time to hit us, we moved our bodies backward trying to escape being engulfed by the tree.
I can't forget the look of fear on my mom's face; I feel sick just thinking about it. As if her horrified and fearful face wasn't enough, the branches fell on me, but the trunk of the tree, the part where a tree is rooted, was very large and thick, and it hit my mom's head directly, crushing her skull. After it crushed her, everything went blank, and I don't know what happened next. All I know is that it was impossible for my mom to have survived that scene. Her face looked like Glenn's from The Walking Dead when he was hit directly by the bat.
I woke up horrified, struggling to breathe, and tossed in bed. Two consecutive nightmares about my mom? Two graphic nightmares like this, both showing that the accident was on her head? Could this be a warning? Is my mom in some kind of danger? Does she have something on her mind? Or are these just two nightmares that don't mean anything in real life? It could be, but the fact that both were completely different deaths but focused heavily on the head left me stunned.
I'll tell you something that happened when I was a child. I don't know if I have some kind of sensitivity, if there's some sort of connection because I don't believe in spirits and life after death, so it would be kind of nonsensical for me to believe in that. But when I was a child, I had a dream too. As I told you, I was in the hospital for a few weeks, fighting to stay alive. It was a nightmare for everyone, and many people made promises for me to get out of that situation, and with my mom, it was no different. She promised that if I got out of that situation alive, she would go to Aparecida every year, which is a city here where there's one of the most famous churches, to thank for me being alive. And until I was about 10 years old, she did it religiously, but one of those times, the day before she went, I slept at my cousin Leonardo's house, who was the same age as me, and we were very close. We played video games together, and so on. I slept at his house because the next day my mom was going to Aparecida with my grandparents and my aunt, so I wouldn't have anyone to stay with, so I took advantage and stayed at my cousin's house. But when I slept there, I had a nightmare during the night. The nightmare was this: They were going with my grandfather's car to the city of Aparecida, and I remember my grandfather's car was blue to this day, a light, baby blue, and it really was his car. And they took a rainy day on one of the mountain roads. They collided with a motorcycle, but when trying to swerve away from the motorcycle, they rolled down a cliff, causing the car to catch fire.
I called my mom in the middle of the night, desperate, asking her to come pick me up. I already had trouble sleeping at other people's houses, and having a nightmare like that, oh my goodness. I've always been very attached to my mom and I've always been very afraid of something happening to her, and that kept me awake and distressed. I know I told her about the nightmare and she tried to calm me down, lying and saying she wouldn't go so I could be at ease. But I knew my mom and I knew she was lying, so I made her pick me up anyway to prevent her from going to Aparecida. After all, who would believe a child's nightmare? Normal, right? I know my parents had to leave in the middle of the night to pick me up from my cousin Leonardo's house, thankfully it was nearby.
After picking me up, and after insisting a lot for my mom not to go, she came from my desperation to actually reassure me she wasn't going. She notified the others involved the next day, and I finally managed to calm down. I know that in the late afternoon, it started raining, and while watching a soap opera with me, even my dad was there, and mind you, he's not one to watch soap operas, but I don't know why that day he was sitting on the couch with us, there was a breaking news report that only appears for urgent news. Nowadays, we don't even have that anymore, but back then, it was like that, and there was a very specific music that scared everyone. And in that news report, it practically covered the dream I had...
Sure, it wasn't exactly identical, e.g the color of the car, I don't remember the details, but I remember that there was an accident on the Aparecida road due to weather, and it was very similar to what I dreamed.
I remember my parents being speechless, as was I, even though I was so young. We stood there for a few minutes, staring at the television, and I think at that moment they took me seriously. We didn't talk much about it, but I remember it was quite impactful for me.
I remember another time that was quite strange too. Raquel, my childhood friend, dated a boy named Bruno for a very short period when she was around 12 or 13. Those pre-adolescent relationships. He was someone I had some contact with, as he was dating a close friend of mine, but I never became very close to him.
When Raquel moved to Japan at around 13 or 14, I never saw that boy again, or if I did see him, I never talked to him again. And when I was around 16, I remember dreaming perfectly that this boy had added me on Facebook after so many years without seeing or talking to each other, I don't know. This specific boy. And when I woke up, I checked my social networks as I always did, and that boy had indeed added me on Facebook. How can a dream show something that hasn't happened yet? It's so bizarre; I've never been able to understand these two episodes. Could it be some kind of sixth sense, premonition? But even if it is, how does it actually happen in practice? It's such a bizarre, surreal thing. For me to believe that I have some kind of mediumship or premonition, would I have to believe in something beyond life? Or is that not necessary? I don't know, I really don't know how this works.
But precisely because I've had these two bizarre episodes in my life, I became concerned about my mother's dream. Why two consecutive dreams and two nightmares that focused so much on her head? Could they be some sort of warning? I don't know, but all I know is that I managed to convince her to get a tomography scan, and God willing, everything will be fine, and this will be just an episode of a common nightmare that lasted for two consecutive nights. I don't want to and can't be right this time. I can't imagine living in a world without my mother.
04/05 Chapter 248: A child is a choice you make everyday
Today was Letícia's second day as your nanny. Letícia was a teacher from your preschool whom you were very attached to. After your hospitalizations, you stayed out of school for over three months, and when you returned, your adaptation was a bit difficult; you cried a lot, something that didn't happen when you first started school at nine months old. When you returned to school, the only person you wanted to be with was Letícia; you would stay in her arms and only wanted to be with her. I've mentioned to you before that when you were hospitalized in February, I had talked to her to see if she was interested in being your private nanny and leaving the preschool, and everything happened as it did. Now she's about to get married, so she'll only have two weeks with you, but even so, on the second day, you're very happy to have her around, and you'll definitely become very attached to her in those two weeks, which will make it hard when she leaves.
On the first day she arrived, you were a bit shy, it took you a little while to loosen up, but after a while, you became quite comfortable; by the second day, you were already very attached to her. But the second day was different; I took Letícia to my parents' house because Rafinha was there and I wanted both of them to play in her company since both you and Rafinha are very fond of her. So Rafinha would feel very happy and comfortable in her presence too. Of course, my mother paid extra for Letícia to take care of both of you, but she enjoyed going there. I also went to my parents' house because another batch of goods arrived for my customers, and I needed to sort everything out. But there was so much to do that time flew by, and I could hardly get anything in order. It was very distressing.
I know Rafinha slept in the afternoon for over an hour, and you missed some of that time. You tried to sleep but couldn't; whenever you're around Rafinha, my parents, or other children, you become very excited, very happy, and can't sleep or rest. So, even though you were tired, exhausted, crying all the time, we couldn't get you to sleep. You insisted so much that I finally gave in and let you wake Rafinha up so you could play for another hour before we took Letícia back to São Paulo. You played and had a lot of fun. My mom set up a table for you, and you sat there at the kids' table eating cheese bread, super happy.
Then my sister arrived, chatted a bit with Letícia, and she kindly offered to take Letícia to São Paulo for me and my mom while I finished packing the orders for my clients. It took me quite a while to finish the packages, and I asked my mom if you could sleep at grandpa's house because then I would go to the apartment to be with your dad since he didn't come this afternoon, so I would return to stay with him; I'd already be there tomorrow in the apartment because tomorrow is the big day of my Instagram Sales Live, and I'm quite anxious. I'm picking up Pietra tomorrow so she can help and assist me during this live.
My parents agreed, so you slept at their house, and I thought you would sleep super early because since you don't nap in the afternoon, usually by 9 or 9:30 p.m., you're already out. But to my surprise, we managed to keep you entertained with Rafinha's presence for so long that you went to bed around 11:15 p.m., much to your mom's surprise.
Before that, we had pizza as a family, and I took a pizza box for your dad to eat too. When I got there, it was already past 11, so we couldn't watch movies or stay up late.
Now, here's an interesting tidbit about being a nanny. I told you that I was a nanny in the United States, but it was different with the two families. In the second family, both the mother and father worked all day, so they saw their children very little because the kids went to bed super early and woke up super early for school, so in reality, they only had their kids' presence on weekends because during the week when they returned, the children were already asleep. It's sad, but the parents were working; it's not because they didn't want to be with their children. The first family was different, though. The father worked, but the mother stayed home all day doing who knows what. Many times, I saw her pumping milk, and I overheard some conversations understanding that the husband didn't want her to go back to work, that it wasn't necessary, but she missed it. However, the problem wasn't that; the problem was that I spent the whole day playing with Isabel, and not once did she play with her kid. She didn't sit down to play with her child; she didn't interact with her child. She really hired a nanny so she wouldn't have to play with her daughter or dedicate her time to her daughter. And when I started taking care of the baby, it was the same thing; she didn't put the child to sleep, she didn't give a bottle, absolutely nothing, I did everything.
With me, it's different. Letícia takes care of you, but many times you ask for my presence or your dad's, tapping your little hand on the floor and asking us to sit next to you, and we immediately do. Despite having the nanny here to help us do our things, we still carve out time for you and want to be with you. We want you to know that even though we're working, we're with you too, and we'll continue to give you attention and play with you. So, many times you're with Letícia, but you call us to play, and we play together. Many times you ask for my lap specifically, and I hold you for a while. When you're tired and sleepy, I'm the one who puts you to bed because otherwise, you can't sleep. So, I've noticed this a lot; even though there's a nanny, it's the same way it works. A child needs a mother's attention and affection too. A child needs the mother to dedicate time to play and care for her daughter or son in general. Deep down, I felt sorry for Isabel and Liam because they could be well-off, have everything they wanted, but they didn't have much of their mother's presence, or even their father's, but I saw that the father interacted a bit more than the mother.
05/05 Chapter 249: It's time for something new
Today was the day of the livestream, I couldn't sleep as much as I would have liked, especially considering the fact that you were at your grandma's and could sleep for 12 hours straight hahahaha, but I was excited for the livestream in the evening. I've always been very anxious, ever since I was a child when I had school outings, I couldn't sleep due to anxiety; anxiety is a very bad thing. I even have a strong medication for anxiety, but I wanted to be 100% for the livestream, I didn't want to feel doped or anything different. But I confess that feeling this kind of anxiety is horrible.
I still had some things to label and I also had to take a shower, wash my hair, after I managed to do some things, I left home and went to pick up Pietra. During the journey, we started talking about her surgery, she told me how difficult the first week was, that she regretted a lot during the first week because while you don't feel hungry, you feel like eating, and in the first week you live on liquids, and the worst for her was seeing people eating and not being able to eat, anyway. But now that she had progressed from liquid to soft food, things were getting better. It's a very complicated and difficult surgery, but I'm sure that after all this sacrifice, she will be able to maintain her ideal weight. That's what I hope. It was quite exhausting, and I had the impression that I would sell a lot more, so I wasn't feeling very satisfied. There were around 40-50 people in the live stream all the time, but I was expecting around 100 people to join considering how much I advertised. I think I'm being hasty and expecting too much from myself for the first time. But there were piles and piles of products and merchandise that I thought would sell almost everything, and at least half of it was left over. Pietra told me to be happy because a lot of things were sold and she gave me 3 full pages of sold items in her notebook, but I had the feeling that every time I announced a product, people would want it, because in the toy live stream that my friend Camila does, it seems like everything they announce, they sell. But I also need to consider that their live stream is about toys and simple products, so the prices are very cheap, mostly 3, 5, 10 reais... Whereas my merchandise had a lot of imported products, which makes it much more expensive. And they struggle a lot with each live stream because they say many people don't pay, and all the people who bought from me - from what I noticed - are people who pay and are regular customers. But still, I wasn't quite satisfied, at least until I calculated the net profit. It was approximately R$ 1,800, and I gave R$100 to Pietra for her help, which made her quite happy. With this amount, working for 3 hours, I was pleased and realized that it was indeed satisfactory and that I was indeed demanding too much of myself. I became much happier to the point of scheduling the next live stream for next Friday, but this time a shorter one, lasting 1 hour, 1 hour and a half, to try to sell new things but also the items that weren't sold in the previous live stream. And I know the audience will be smaller because Friday is like Saturday: people go out, take walks, enjoy the night because they don't work the next day. So, I don't know how it will go... But I'm happy to be doing something new and something in the department I enjoy so much: sales. Something I take pleasure in doing.06-09/05 Chapter 250: Oh, sorry mom and dad, I did something bad
The week was very calm, and it felt like you were in the nursery again. I say this because Letícia kept you entertained and took you downstairs to play a lot, so you spent very little time locked up in the apartment. I'm already sad knowing that soon, specifically next week, Letícia will be leaving. I think you will also feel it a lot because you are very attached to her, and you have a lot of fun with her. Now, when she arrives, you get super happy and clap your hands. You are very attached to her.
Letícia not only has experience with children because she worked for a long time in preschool, but she also has initiative. For example, she would change your diaper all the time when it needed to be changed. When you started crying and asking to be held by me, I would hold you, but many times she would take you from me and entertain you again, and sometimes she could entertain you so well that you forgot about wanting to be with me. So, she had a lot of initiative.
One night, she sent me a message asking if she could do an activity she saw on Instagram with you. I thanked her and said that of course, she could do it, and that I was very happy that she was using her time to look for activities to do with you.
Now I know what it feels like to lose an employee we really like. My mother has gone through this a lot, and now I understand her a bit better. When we like someone's service, it's hard to see the person leave. It's hard to think that the person won't be there anymore, doing the things you like and doing things so well, and it's hard not to compare with future employees.
Letícia finishes her work with you on Wednesday, and then Pietra starts. Pietra is also very nice, but she doesn't have the experience that Letícia has, and that's why I know I'll find it quite strange. But we always adapt. We have no other choice.
With Letícia, you got to do bunch of activities. She planned many things with you, from painting to swimming, and on that day at the pool, you had a lot of fun because there were other children there, which is your perfect scenario. She did your hair beautifully; even I don't know how to do your hair the way she did. She took you downstairs to play with your dolls and to ride around with them in your toy stroller. So, we will have to adapt to our reality without her.
There was a day before Letícia arrived when you caused some trouble. Your dad wasn’t home; he was practicing boxing, and I was alone with you. While you were outside painting, I was in the living room, watching you from a distance and working on the computer. After a few minutes, you came into the room with a pen and a mischievous look on your face that I can't even describe. As soon as I saw you with the pen in your hand, I jumped up and took it away from you, telling you that you couldn't play with pens. Apparently, only your hand was painted, and that was enough for me to give you a stern talk.
Time passed, your dad came home, and at one point, he exclaimed something like, 'Oh my God.' Startled, I asked what had happened, and he told me to come and take a look. I went out to the balcony, and to my horror, you had scribbled all over our suede dining room chair with the pen.
We picked you up, showed you the pen, and said you couldn’t do that, but we knew you wouldn’t understand anything. But we did it anyway. Our beautiful suede chair, all scribbled on with pen. I don't even know if there's any product that can really remove pen marks. Oh my God, and I know this is just the beginning. Just like with the pen, I know I'll find many more things scribbled on and damaged, but that’s okay. They say these moments pass quickly, and in the future, we'll even miss all this mess.
10/05 Chapter 251: It's set in my DNA
This week I announced the date of my new live stream. I didn't want to do another long live like the last one that lasted over 3 hours. Now I want to do a shorter one, about 1/1:30h and a half, to try to resell the items that didn't sell in the previous live and to present some new things. Some of these new items were left by some customers, while I returned others that I was sure I couldn't sell.
Early this morning, I went to a neighborhood called Brás. Brás is a neighborhood where, during the dawn and morning hours, peple sell very cheap items, mostly wholesale. Because of this, people from all over Brazil come to this region to buy items at very affordable prices and resell them in their stores. Others come for personal shopping because the place is very cheap and has very attractive and beautiful items.
When I started working with my sales, I was around 16 or 17 years old. I started selling through Facebook. On Facebook, there were several college groups, and within these college groups, there were thrift shop groups, which means groups for cheap sales, super cheap new items, or barely used or secondhand items. Back then, it was a very strong trend, and you could sell a lot through these Facebook groups. That's where I began to build my client base until Facebook started to decline, and so did those groups. Today, they still exist, but no one posts anything, and if you do, nothing sells because many people no longer use Facebook. Then came the WhatsApp tnred, and that’s when I started to gradually build my group and established my client base.
But before that, I sold through Facebook, working all afternoon before going to college, delivering goods at various subway stations. I bought my merchandise at Brás and resold it in the groups. I also bought items from people at very cheap prices and then resold them in the groups. I've always worked with reselling, the law of supply and demand. When I went to Brás, there were times when I would wake up at 2:30 a.m., and by 3/3:30 a.m., I was there shopping because there is a thing in Brás called the early "morning fair".
So, I would stay awake until 2/3 a.m. and go to the early morning fair, where you could find extremely cheap products right on the street. The vendors put their merchandise out on the streets, and the streets are filled with goods in the early hours. It's something I believe doesn't exist much in other places around the world. And the prices are amazing. Although Brás has great prices compared to other places even during the day, nothing beats the prices at the early morning fair.
I went to many early morning fairs, and that's how I started my sales career. Working hard, reselling, delivering at the subway. Later, when I traveled to the USA for the first time, I was 19 years old, and I discovered another world—the world of imports. For reselling, the profit was incredible, and many times you could even cover the cost of the trip and the entire journey with the sales. But I wasn't an expert in the subject yet, and even though I brought things from there, I still sold a lot from Brás because I didn't have anyone to bring me merchandise consistently. That only started about three years ago.
The moral of the story is that to make money (unless you're an heir), you need to work hard, wake up early (or not sleep at all in this case). Things don't fall from the sky; envying what others have is unhealthy and a waste of time. Go after it and earn your own. Everyone starts from the bottom; there's no shame in it. On the contrary, it only shows how talented you are at managing your business and money and growing. I don't know if you have this entrepreneurial spirit in you, but if you do, welcome, 'it sucks, you're gonna love it!
11/05 Chapter 252: The heart wants what it wants
Today was your little cousin Rafinha's second birthday party. Although his birthday was a few days ago, your aunt Tayna had the party today on Saturday. And this time she didn't have his party at a children's buffet, she had it at her own house, in her large salón room.
The Mickey decoration was beautiful, she rented a ball pit and a trampoline, and you and your little cousin had a lot of fun. There were only you and Cauã as children, but it was worth it!
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The surprise for everyone was arriving and seeing an entire table full of Japanese food. Most people really like it, so they were happy. I don't like Japanese food because I hate fish and raw things, so, it's not my cup of tea at all. But she also rented another type of buffet that served various snacks like pastel, savory pastries, cheese bread, tapioca. Mostly typical Brazilian food.
It was a very pleasant day. In fact, she ended up spending even a bit more than if she had hired a children's buffet, and it also takes a lot of work in terms of cleaning. Cleaning up after the party, picking up cups, plates, sweeping the floor... It's always necessary to see if it's worth it. But the important thing is that each mom does what she thinks is best for her child's birthday.
The other day I saw a post on Instagram (by the way, social media is so toxic) of a mother posting a video of herself, her daughter, and her husband, and writing in the caption something like: 'For my daughter's 2nd birthday, instead of spending money to fill guests' bellies, we spent money filling our own bellies and taking our daughter to a resort.' And in the video, it really showed the child having fun (after all, children have fun everywhere) and tables filled with delicious food. The problem wasn't the way she decided to celebrate her daughter's birthday, but using it to criticize those who throw parties, for example.
I myself told you that when I turned 15, I really wanted to have a "sweet fifteen" party instead of traveling, and thank God my parents later improved their situation, and I had many future opportunities to travel, but the truly magical and unforgettable party I had was that one, and I am very grateful for choosing the party and to my parents for making it happen. But it would also have been perfectly valid if I had chosen to travel. Everything is valid. Throwing a party for your child, whether they are young or not, is valid because your child may not remember, but you will, in addition to the photos and videos that will always be available for them to look back on that day. Traveling is valid. Having a party at a children's buffet is valid, and having a party at home is valid too. Having a big party is valid, and having a small, intimate one is also valid! What is not valid is judging someone else's choice to justify your own. Your choice doesn't need to be justified, and with that, you don't need to belittle or judge others' decisions either. It's ugly and sad!
A party is not just about paying to feed others. It's about sharing a moment with people who love your child. It's wanting to share this moment, this memory of the birth date. And traveling is a family opting to do something intimate, something more private, and that is also great. It all depends on the child's choice (if they are old enough) and the parents'. But there are many ways to celebrate, and judging others' ways of celebrating will not make YOUR celebration any more fantastic or special.
It's like a gender reveal party, for example. Many people choose to have one, and I've seen many people judge it, saying it's tacky, saying it's embarrassing... Just don't do it, and don't judge something that makes some people happy. When you get pregnant, or when you become a parent, you don't have to do it if you don't like it, or you don't have to attend an event that doesn't appeal to you. But what do you gain by judging something that makes someone else happy? Humanity urgently needs to be studied.
12/05 Chapter 253: You're like a dream come true
Today was my second Mother's Day with you, and this year's was infinitely better than last year's. I'm not sure if I mentioned how Mother's Day was last year, but it was very difficult because your father and I were fighting a lot and even on Mother's Day we fought about my cats. So I remember crying a lot on Mother's Day. That's what's complicated about your father and me: when everything is going well... you just have to wait some time for something to cause a big fight, and we'll be talking about separation. It's all very unstable and has been since I got pregnant.
But focusing on the now, we are doing well, and I am trying to be a better wife too. This Mother's Day was full of light, your father and I are getting along much better than before, no crying, everyone united… And most importantly: with you. You alive, you well, you healthy. Especially considering everything we went through during your hospitalizations. This makes mommy value not only each Mother's Day but every single day even more. I could have lost you, my life could have ended. But no, we are together and I can only be grateful.
My beautiful daughter, today is Mother's Day and we can only celebrate this date because of you, because you exist, and you make me a mother. Thank you for giving me this title, thank you for choosing me, thank you for loving me daily and showing me how much a heart can love. I couldn't have chosen a better daughter, and many times I think that in life we have many dreams, but having you has always been my greatest dream. And can a person who has achieved their greatest dream be considered lucky?
We celebrated today at my sister's house since everyone was still there from the party the day before, and so we ate the leftovers from your cousin's party. We stayed there until the evening and then rested. It was a pleasant day, without many surprises, but full of love. I love you so much, and I hope to spend many more Mother's Days with you.
15/05 Chapter 254: All of a sudden I miss everyone
Today was the last day that teacher Letícia worked at home and stayed with you. Today she arrived a little later because she was organizing her things, as she would be traveling to her new city right after work. I will miss Lê. She works very well, knows how to interact with a child, got along great with you, is responsible, organized, and I have nothing bad to say about her. On the contrary, she will be greatly missed.
I don't know how it will be for you to receive Pietra tomorrow, especially since you are very attached to Letícia. As soon as she opens the door, you happily greet her with hugs and claps. It is so wonderful to see our children loving someone and that person returning the love. However, I am sad for you because you will hardly see her now. She even said that in June she would return to São Paulo to visit her mother after her wedding, but surely she will have little time here and many things and tasks to catch up on. It hurts a lot at first, but then we get used to it. You might feel it for a few days, but you will soon forget; that's the good thing about being your age. The absence may hurt a bit, but your memory doesn't allow this pain to intensify for too long.
Before Lê left, I took two pictures with my kind of Polaroid camera that prints a small photo instantly and gave them to her. She was super happy and I'm sure she'll keep them with affection. I still keep, after 5 years, the photo with Jonathan and Joshua whom I was a nanny for a few months. Just thinking about how grown-up they are now... I already taught you this lesson, daughter, but I will tell you again: enjoy the present, enjoy the people you love as if there is no tomorrow, because many, many of these dear people will leave in some way, and only memories will remain. We never know the date of the departure, but get used to the idea that life is an eternal farewell. We live beautiful and wonderful experiences with unforgettable people, but we will say goodbye to all of them eventually. Prepare your heart and your mind. Forever is beautiful, but it doesn't exist in practice. Love strongly, but know that everything, including people and our relationships, has an expiration date. It's better to be prepared, and it's better that I prepare you because departures, they hurt. The more prepared, the better!
16/05 Chapter 255: Willing to take the risk
Today I woke up at 5 a.m. to go to Brás to buy more things to resell in the live stream I will do on Sunday. This will be my third consecutive live stream, but I need more merchandise to present. It's not good to always show products that have already been shown, because the people who were in the previous live streams have already seen those products and didn't want them, so they want to see new things. I only show the repeated items because there are always new people joining, so it's interesting to show some items again. And there's always something from the previous live stream that didn't sell but ends up selling in the next one, so repeating is a kind of strategy.
I really like to sleep and hate waking up early, but if it's to do something I like, the sleepiness quickly goes away and makes way for excitement. So there I went, happy in the middle of the night to explore the world of sales.
This time it was harder to park the car because the early morning market was still in full swing. The vendors only closed around 6 a.m., which was when I found a small free parking spot, just like last time. But I realized that to catch the early morning market, I would have to arrive earlier and probably park in a paid lot. I'll do that next time.
This time I went with a bit more money but ended up returning with some left over. I didn't spend it all and felt there were fewer things compared to my visit last week. I also had a rule to buy something nice to wear for myself every week, but this time it was almost impossible to find something I liked. I found only one jumpsuit that was very expensive for Brás, R$130. But I bought it... now I'll have to get some adjustments done by a seamstress.
I bought a few things; let's see how they will be received in the live stream. I hope I made the right choices.
Around 7 a.m. while I was shopping, your father messaged me saying that you woke up and were crying a lot, and he thought you had a fever. I told him to take your temperature, but he soon sent me an audio saying you wouldn't let him do anything. You wouldn't let him give you a nebulizer treatment, clean your nose (which was very congested), or even put the thermometer in to measure the fever. He said he didn't know how to handle it and would probably need me to come back quickly to help him. I was a bit upset that he couldn't handle the situation, but I decided to hurry and return as quickly as possible.
When I went to get my car, here in Brazil we have something called "flanelinhas." Flanelinhas in Brazil are people who informally operate on streets and sidewalks, offering to "watch" parked vehicles in exchange for a tip. They operate in public areas, such as sidewalks and street parking, especially in busy zones with high demand for parking spaces. So, when you park in a PUBLIC spot, these guys come to charge you afterward as if they own that spot, which belongs only to the city. Sidewalks and streets are public spaces intended for the free use and circulation of people and vehicles. Charging by flanelinhas for watching vehicles is nonsensical. In theory, it's a crime, but if they don't force you, it's okay. Nobody usually complains, and many end up giving some money out of embarrassment, a desire to help, or fear... Most people, if they refuse, do so when they leave, because if you refuse when you park, many of them scratch and vandalize your car.
The flanelinha activity is not regulated, which means there is no control over who is operating, their qualifications, or their backgrounds. Anyone can buy a yellow/orange vest, go to any sidewalk, and start charging. It’s not a real service and not a real job. God knows I don't belittle any work, all kinds of work are valid. But not this one; you are committing an illegal act and taking away a right that belongs to citizens. In some cases, the approach of flanelinhas can be intimidating, constituting a form of coercion or even extortion. Drivers may feel obligated to pay to avoid reprisals, such as scratches or damage to their vehicles.
And that's exactly what happened to me. A couple left right in front of me, but the main driver was a man, so the flanelinha didn't interfere. But with me, I simply started the car, began to leave, and the audacious guy knocked on my window asking, "Have you paid?" I, angry and without thinking, rolled down the window (mistake number one and willing to take the risk of the guy being agressive to me) I replied: "Pay for what, man? When I parked here at dawn, there was no one." Then he mocked me, and I walked away. What a nerve... A citizen parking a car in a public place is not obliged to pay anyone, having the right to accept or not the offered service, paying the attendant if they want. And if the flanelinha pressures the citizen, he is committing a crime, and if you call the police, he can be taken to the police station. But what woman alone has the courage to do that? None! Maybe my sister... But see? We shouldn't even have to be willing to take a risk. Risk for what? I was doing nothing wrong and I need to be scared of someone?
This is what I don't like about Brazil; here, I think it's a lawless land for practically everything. And the people who commit illegalities still feel entitled, they think it's okay to be wrong or do wrong things. Education in Brazil urgently needs improvement. For the government, it’s convenient for citizens to be ignorant, but for the population itself, especially those with more advanced studies, it’s a curse!
When I got home, you were already asleep again, so I took the opportunity to rest a bit with you. When you woke up, you had a lot of mucus and were very congested, but you weren't feeling down. In fact, you played a lot with Pietra, and I was quite surprised because I thought you would be missing Letícia. But you weren't, and you even started calling Pietra 'auntie,' just like you used to call Letícia. You adapted really well and would have had even more fun if you weren't starting to get sick. You ended up sleeping a lot in the afternoon.
17/05 Chapter 256: I can't take another defeat
As the treatment was working quite well and since you started with the injections you never progressed to a respiratory condition, I was quite confident that it wouldn't happen again and that the injection was very effective in preventing your health from deteriorating to a point of experiencing breathing difficulties. But to our despair, this time, that was not the case. You started breathing heavily again, initially it was very mild but later your breathing became quite difficult again and we thought we might have to go to the hospital once more, and you already know how that story ends.
We could only give Aerolin every 4 hours and there was still quite some time left before the next dose of the inhaler, and with that your breathing only got worse. When it was finally time to give the inhaler, we administered it and it stabilized you a bit but unfortunately, you were still breathing heavily.
I contacted Dr. Humberto almost at dawn and he told us to do what doctors call a "rescue". It's four puffs of the inhaler every 20 minutes for three cycles. But remembering the last times you were hospitalized, the rescue hadn't worked. Neither of the two times you were admitted to the ICU here in Brazil did the rescue work, so I was quite pessimistic considering your previous history. But this time, to our joy, either because you are older and with a better immune system or because of the injections, the treatments, or all these factors together, the rescue worked and you were able to sleep peacefully and quietly at night. Your breathing did not worsen during the night. It was a great relief for your father and me, we had you sleep with us and kept checking your temperature and observing your breathing but this time the rescue worked and I couldn't be happier. Dr. Humberto had said that if the rescue didn't work we would unfortunately have to take you to the hospital. I think a fourth hospitalization would be too much for both me and you. Now let's see how you do the next day and see if we really don't need to go to the hospital this time. We also contacted Dr. Bernardo who is administering the injections to you and he also authorized the rescue and said that any problem we could call, he responded in the middle of the night. We have two excellent doctors taking care of you.
18-19/05 Chapter 257: Here we go again
For the rest of the week, you were still sick but didn't have any more respiratory problems. But on Sunday your fever didn't go down and it had already been more than 48 hours of fever. When a child has more than 48 hours of fever, it's necessary to take them for a re-evaluation due to the danger of pneumonia. Since Dr. Humberto doesn't work on Sundays, we had to call Dr. Bernardo, who gives you your injections. He had said that if you still had a fever on Sunday, he would see us at his office.
On Saturday you didn't have a fever anymore, just a mild feverish state, so we thought it wouldn't be necessary to see the doctor the next day. We were happy and more relaxed with your temperature dropping. But in the early hours of Sunday, around 3:00 AM, you were sleeping between your dad and me, and you were burning up. When we took your temperature, it was over 39 degrees. So my mom sent a message around 8 a.m. to Dr. Bernardo and he said he could see us at noon on Sunday, but not at his usual office near us, but at the Ibirapuera office, which is very far.
The next day, we left home around 10:20 and headed to the office. We arrived there earlier than I expected, at 11:30, and waited for the doctor in the car until noon. When we got there, he was very attentive, but just seeing him makes you panic because you think you're going to get an injection—after all, you've had almost 10 injections with him, so you associate him with pain. During your evaluation, it was confirmed that you had an ear infection, which is why the fever wouldn't go down.
You had otitis. We stayed and chatted for about an hour in the office, and when it was time to pay, he charged R$790. His consultations at the office we usually go to are R$680, but this time we don't know if the price difference was because it was a Sunday, which is probably what we believe, or if it was because the office was in a different and more upscale location. But I think it was because he saw us on a Sunday; I believe his price is the same at both offices, but I'm not sure. We spent almost R$1000 on a doctor to avoid having to go to the hospital. After all, in the hospital, besides the risk of catching something else, this time of year is the busiest—autumn. My friend said when she took her daughter, the waiting time at triage was about 6 hours just to get through triage. You literally lose the entire day at the hospital. So it's better to pay a bit more but have peace of mind than go through such a situation. And that's the difference with a private doctor; you can count on them at any time of day, whether morning, afternoon, or even at dawn. They give you their phone number for communication, it's totally different, and they see you when necessary. The doctor prescribed 10 days of antibiotics to treat your ear infection. I've lost count of how many times you've taken antibiotics, and it's not good because one day, if you really need it in a serious case, taking so many antibiotics might render them ineffective, which is why it's always good to avoid them, but sometimes there's no way around it.
On the way back home, my mother and I slept all afternoon while your dad stayed with you since he slept while we took you to the doctor.
On Sunday, your dad and I went back to the apartment alone because I had another live stream to do. My mother was a bit apprehensive about staying with you alone in your slightly sick state, but since you hadn't had any breathing issues for several days, she, and we, were more at ease.
The live stream didn't go as I expected. I sold about half of what I sold in the previous live stream, but I have to consider that the previous live stream lasted about 3 hours and 30 minutes, and this one was only an hour and a half to 2 hours, and also had half the number of items as the previous one. So, logically speaking, it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I am very demanding in my work.
20/05 Chapter 258: I should be wiser
As you started to get better, today your grandmother picked up Rafinha from school and brought him to the apartment to play with you. Your dad was worried because Rafinha's mom, your Aunt Tayna, is sick with a high fever and body aches, but from the symptoms, it seems like dengue (an outbreak of a disease currently happening in Brazil). My mom and I said it wouldn't be a problem and that you two should be allowed to play because as soon as you saw him, you started crying, wanting to stay with your cousin. However, your dad was against it. In the end, we convinced your dad, and you played and had fun.
The problem began when my mom, still at home, noticed that Rafinha felt a bit warm, with an elevated temperature. I was horrified and told me not to play with something like this because you were still recovering from a severe virus, and catching something else on top of it could increase the chance of it developing into a respiratory condition. Despite this, my mom remained worried, and around 9 PM, she took Rafinha home.
Later, my mom called and said Rafinha had a fever of 39 degrees, meaning he likely caught it from his mom. It could still be that the dengue mosquito bit both of them (since they live in the same house, the chance is statistically high), but if it were a virus, the chance of you catching it would be huge, and you couldn't afford to catch another virus while still recovering from one. I thought: well, we'll know for sure by Thursday since the virus usually takes three days to manifest. So around Wednesday/Thursday/ Friday, we'll know if you caught it from your cousin or not.
In the meantime, I felt guilty and anxious. We thought so much about your happiness seeing your cousin and how happy you two are together that we only focused on the present and not the future consequences. This time, your dad was entirely right. Since my sister had a fever, the chance of her son, Rafinha, catching it from her was enormous. Consequently, if he was with you, the chance of him transmitting it to you was also enormous. It would have been much more prudent to avoid your playtime until Tayna got better or until we saw that Rafinha hadn't caught anything from his mom. But your grandmother and I, being soft-hearted, felt so much joy seeing you two together and happy that we couldn't think rationally and prudently like your dad, and now it's coming back to bite me. Let's hope that's not the case because if it happens, your dad will be very mad at me. I wish I could be more prudent and rational like him, but I just can't. But I need to be; after all, when will I learn? You didn't get sick until you were 12 months old, and after that, you have been constantly ill. All your hospitalizations and scares should have taught me a lesson, but I still can only think emotionally and with my heart. I hate this way of being, being so fanciful and emotional.
21-23/05 Chapter 259: Feels good 'till it doesn't
Tuesday and Wednesday you were fine, so on Thursday I planned to go to Brás again to do some shopping for the next live show on Sunday. Yes, another one! Even though the others weren’t as good as the first one, it's always money coming in, and mom can’t refuse that haha!
I woke up, went to Brás, and around 7:00 AM your dad messaged me saying that you had woken up (which you never do; you usually wake up after 9:30 or 10:30 a.m.), and that you were crying a lot, were very congested, and he thought you had a fever. I didn’t believe it at first, but exactly three days after you had contact with your cousin Rafinha, you got sick too. Your dad started sending me voice messages saying you wouldn't let him clean you, take your temperature, or do anything else; you just cried and fussed and he asked me to come back early because he didn’t know how to handle the situation. At first, I was a bit frustrated with him not knowing how to handle it, but it really is complicated when a child starts to get sick, so I returned home as quickly as I could.
When I got home, there was no doubt about it, you were burning up with fever. I took your temperature and it was 39°C. I called my mom and she was very upset because she had also thought this might happen but hoped it wouldn’t. In the end, your dad was right, and it was the most prudent thing to do.
Pietra, your nanny, was taking care of you, but on that day it was useless for her to be there because when a child is sick, they only want their mom. Actually, you surprised me because you ended up playing a little with her despite being sick; you weren’t feeling as bad as your temperature indicated. But in the afternoon, I started to feel unwell. I began to feel weak, with body aches and very tired. How could it be? I woke up feeling great, went to the market feeling 100% fine, and just a few hours later, I started feeling really sick.
My mom came over in the late afternoon to help and stayed with you and Pietra. She took care of you so that your dad could go to the tattoo studio to practice a tattoo and so that I could rest because I was feeling very ill and had woken up early to go shopping. To make matters worse, your dad also started to feel a sore throat by the end of the day, so it looked like our whole family would get sick.
I slept for about an 1:30-2h and when I woke up, I decided to go to my parents' house so they could help me with you because I was really feeling terrible. Just to show how plans change, the plan was for my mom to take you and Pietra to visit your uncle Júnior's house to play with Cauã. Everything was set, but then we all got sick, so the plan changed to going to my parents' house instead.
Your dad decided not to come with us because the next day, Friday, he had a tattoo appointment with Pietra. He’s going to do a super cool and big tattoo on my cousin and your nanny Pietra, so he was really excited about it despite feeling sick. I understood his side and went to my parents' house alone with you, not knowing that a long night awaited us.
As I told you, a few hours of playtime between you and your cousin made you feel happy, but the consequences were catastrophic. Now you’re not feeling well anymore. Are three hours of playtime with your cousin worth days of illness and worry? I don’t think so. Maybe now I’ll learn.
24/05 Chapter 260: We crashed and burned
We went to sleep at my parents’ house, and we were very sick. But today, if it's even possible, we woke up feeling even worse. I woke up burning with fever, and so did you. My mom had to get some tests done, so she left early and couldn’t help much during the day. Your dad woke up as sick as we were, and despite his reluctance, he ended up canceling the tattoo with Pietra because he felt so bad and just wanted to lie down. Understandable, because I was feeling the same way. I had many packages to prepare and send to customers, but I looked at them and simply couldn’t get up; I wasn't in any condition to even make a small package. I had a terrible headache, body aches, weakness, and fatigue, not to mention that I also needed to take care of you. Being sick and taking care of a sick baby is one of the hardest things a mother can do.
Since he canceled the tattoo with Pietra, and my mom was in São Paulo for her tests, I asked him if he wanted my mom to pick him up to spend the weekend here. After all, we needed his help to take care of you too. Yesterday, I didn’t mind because I knew how important that tattoo was to him, but now I was also sick and needed help. He agreed because he said he wasn’t in any condition to drive, which I completely understand because yesterday I had to come with my mom too because I couldn’t drive, and so I left my car for your dad to use to come to my parents’ house the next day. But since he was feeling as bad as I was, he also couldn’t drive, so we agreed that my mom would pick him up and bring him here.
We tried to get you to watch cartoons, do everything you like, but you didn’t even want to watch it. You sat and complained about all the cartoons; everything was bad for you. I could see you were tired and feeling awful. Despite that, to my surprise, you were still eating a little, because usually, when we’re sick, our appetite is almost zero. But lately, you’ve become a big fan of cheese bread; you’re addicted to cheese bread, and even when you’re sick, you eat cheese bread.
Since you didn’t want to do anything, I tried to make you sleep, and since I was also very tired and weak, we lay down on the bed. It didn’t take long, and we slept the entire afternoon. Actually, we had already woken up late, stayed awake for about two hours, and then went back to sleep for hours. But I felt very, very bad; I was shaking from how sick I felt.
When I woke up and saw it was already past 7:30 PM, I was shocked. I had a severe headache, similar to the one I had postpartum. I thought I was going to have a stroke from the pain and called my mom, practically crying, asking when she would be back because I felt very bad and really needed help. When I called, your dad was already in the car with her, and they were on their way back from Serra. I told her I felt very bad and asked her to call my dad, who was home but downstairs, to get the strongest painkiller she had because I was in a lot of pain. She quickly called my dad, asked him to get the medicine, and also to stay with you while I took a bath to see if it would ease the pain.
Since you were still sleeping and I needed to take a bath to see if my pain would subside, my dad came to bring me my medicine and stay with you. But as soon as he came upstairs, you woke up, whimpering and in pain too. If I was feeling that awful, I can’t even imagine how you were feeling. Such a little baby… To my surprise, when I woke up feeling very bad, I touched the inside of my leg and it was burning hot, almost scorching my hand. When I checked my temperature, it was over 40°C. I don't think I've ever had a fever over 40°C before. For an adult, a 40°C fever is extremely high and debilitating. A child with a 38°C fever isn't as affected as an adult with the same fever. I thought I was going to die; I had never, and I repeat, never had a virus so strong in my life that it knocked me down and made me feel so terrible. It was very intense, and I felt extremely ill.
I got in the bath, locked the doors, and took a warm bath. I know it's not ideal when you have a fever, but I can’t take a lukewarm bath even when I'm not feverish, let alone when I have a fever. I think I would shiver and pass out; I just can’t do it. I think I have childhood trauma because, back in my day, when you were a child with a fever, they recommended giving you a colder bath. When you have a fever, despite your elevated body temperature, you feel very cold, and putting you in a cold bath is torture, especially for children. So, I think I developed this trauma of cold water and still have it today. A warm bath makes me feel better when I have a fever, so I sat in the bathtub and took a warm bath—not scalding, but warm. With the help of the medicine and the bath, I started to feel a little better. I locked the doors because I knew that if my mom or your dad arrived, they would open the bathroom door to check on me after my call, and seeing the warm bath I was taking, they would scold me. So, I locked the door. And it’s a good thing I did because as soon as they arrived, my mom came to the bathroom to open the door. I told her I was fine and would be out soon.
When I got out of the shower, I talked to her, told her I was feeling a bit better, but that I was very tired and needed help taking care of you. Even though we slept almost the entire day and I didn’t have much work with you, all I wanted to do was sleep, and so did you. But when you're sick, you only want me or your grandfather. You stay with your grandmother a little too, but for some reason, you reject your dad, which makes him very sad. I tell him not to take it personally; kids go through phases.
I know that in the end, it was a difficult day for everyone. Your grandmother took care of you, and she’s so wonderful that she put you to sleep with her so that your dad and I could have a night of rest since we were feeling very ill. Apparently, neither my mom nor my dad was sick yet; they were well and could help take care of you during the night. But you were so tired and so sick that you didn’t give much trouble at night. You slept, and only my mom woke up from time to time to check if you were warm, take your temperature, and see if you needed any antipyretic to reduce the fever. But we all suffered: your dad, you, and I. I hope tomorrow will be a new day and that we wake up feeling better. If this continues, unfortunately, I’ll have to cancel Sunday’s live.
25/05 Chapter 261: Water under the bridge
We woke up still quite sick and exhausted, but at least today I had my mom to help. You have your ups and downs, sometimes you feel a bit better and then you feel worse again. But despite everything, you are drinking water, which is very important, and eating. But do you see what three hours of playing caused? Sometimes we need to be more rational than emotional because emotions can cloud our thinking and lead us to make wrong and hasty decisions. I don't know how many more days we will feel bad, but I can assure you it was not worth it. You have your little cousin available and you will still play a lot with him. But that day, since your aunt was sick, it was very likely that Rafinha would get sick too and already had the virus, so it was a mistake on my part. And the worst part is that your father was against it and ended up getting sick too.
Thank God your grandma hasn't caught your flu so far, so she is helping a lot and taking care of you while your father and I are getting plenty of rest. We even managed to watch a tv show. But later in the evening, my fever was still very high, so I took another analgesic.
This medicine is super potent for me. I had a high fever and was bundled up with blankets, but when I took the medicine, ten minutes later my fever went down, and I started feeling warm and sweating. And after I took the medicine, my fever didn’t come back. It really works for me. For you, it doesn’t work the same way, sometimes you get lucky, sometimes not.
During the night, as I was feeling better, I had hope that I might be able to do the live tomorrow. Let’s see how the night goes and how we feel when we wake up tomorrow. I know we still feel very bad, but a little better than yesterday. That’s usually how it goes, small steps, one day at a time, with a lot of calm and patience, and things tend to get better. Now, there’s no point in crying over spilled milk, it’s in the past. I believe I’ve learned my lesson, but we’ll see if I’ve really learned it through my future decisions. One thing we can’t do is dwell on what we did. Suffer a bit at first, try to understand, improve, and apply the lessons from our mistakes to avoid them in the future, but crying over spilled milk doesn’t help at all. Let’s move forward, and tomorrow is another day!
26/05 Chapter 262: Have I not learn anything?
Today we woke up feeling better, but you were still sleeping a lot. In fact, all of us—me, you, and your father—are sleeping much more than usual. Since I was feeling better and more energetic, I didn't cancel the live, and everything was ready for me to do tit in the evening.
But in the afternoon, something happened that I want to share with you. I am very lazy about replying to messages, both on WhatsApp and Instagram, and I don't know why because when I was younger, I had no such laziness. Nowadays, I need to be motivated to reply. There were several messages on Instagram that I needed to respond to, and one of them was from your father's sister-in-law, Aunt Edith.
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