To my daughter Melanie (July, 2023)

02/07 - Chapter 80: M&M & Oreo Ice Cream Sandwich

Today we were invited to lunch at my friend Camila's in-laws' house. It was a very pleasant day. We got there and ate some cheese bread, and chatted. Then you and Luca went to the pool and had fun for over half an hour, and the water was a bit cold.

You played, I took pictures... And then you and Luca took a little nap together.

Meanwhile we started to eat a delicious burgers that Matt's parents made. Then you woke up and we adults ate ice cream that I bought at Walmart. I bought an M&M sandwich, an oreo sandwich, a vanilla sandwich, for all tastes and to please everyone. The problem is that I spent more than 50 dollars at Walmart, and I couldn't... But anyway, the day was worth it.

04/07 - Chapter 81: Not a happy 4th of July

Today was the famous 4th of July. A much-loved holiday here in the United States. My morning was rough, your dad and I had a fight and we're coming to the conclusion that unfortunately we'll have to go our separate ways. Oh, babe, I feel like a failure... But I swear I tried. It hurts me as a woman, but what hurts the most is knowing that your whole life you won't have both of us like you have so far.

Just to think that when we lay in bed you're happy grabbing my face, and then his... and thinking we're going to deprive you of it. But honestly we are hurting each other. It is very complicated. I fought for a long time, but I'm tired, daughter. Tired of fighting for something that never existed. Your father and I don't regret anything, because we had you, our greatest treasure, and I think our story had to happen for you to happen. It's all very recent, and it hurts to talk about it now, but I'm sure that in the future I'll be able to write about it better and even tell you personally. My love, I'm sorry, I already feel like a failure for not being able to move with you here to the US, and now depriving you of a father and a mother together. Everything I imagined for my future is shattering.

The only thing I dreamed of and it worked, was you! Even sad and with a broken heart, I went to enjoy the day with you, after all we have less than 2 weeks to enjoy this trip that I wanted so much. I wouldn't deprive you of a day because of our disagreements.

We went to Camila, walked around a bit and then stayed on the beach. You and Luca were very happy celebrating the 4th of July.

12/07 - Chapter 82: There's still a hope / Poweball

Baby, I stopped writing for a bit because I'm enjoying our trip. Since I wrote to you, everything has been going well. Your dad and I are doing much better and who knows, maybe we can make it work? I know that here in SD everything is better, including our relationship.

Since I wrote to you, we've been enjoying every day with you taking you to beaches, parks, and you're so happy... It's so good to see you happy, touching things, observing, groping, discovering such a beautiful world around you , something that doesn't happen when locked in an apartment in São Paulo, Brazil. And luckily your father came to that conclusion too when he saw how well he did for you.

Unfortunately, there are only a few days left before we leave and go back to hell. But I can take anything and anywhere with you by my side.

Today, we went to the house of a friend of Matt's parents who have a pool and who invited us to go there. It was really cool, as always, because Matt's parents are great! Before that, I stopped at Walmart to get some snacks and bought a lottery ticket that has a cumulative $740 million.

IMAGINE IF I EARNED HALF OF THAT (since the government takes 50%). We couldn't only come and live here, live in a mansion, but also bring my parents, put you in a great school, guarantee your future and help so many people and animals in Brazil... Oh, babe... but it wasn't this time, who knows next time, right? I know the chance is 1 in 300 million, but someone always wins, right? There is always someone who is one in a million, who's special. Why not us? Why not our family? Although I already won the lottery when I had you, I find it difficult to win twice, almost impossible. And today when you went to take a bath with your dad, we noticed that you were trying to poop, luckily I was on the side and your dad asked me to get you out of the tub as soon as possible, I saw the poop coming out of you, I took you in my arms and sat you on the toilet and you did your first poop in the toilet, at 8 months hahahahahaha. Feel special. It was pure luck and speed, but still, you deserve some credit. And yes, this twitter I will talk about everything, even poop.

13/07 - Chapter 83: My favorite place with my favorite person

Today was another shopping day. I still had practically a whole luggage to fill with merchandise, and I did it quickly in one day. Your dad stayed with you most of the time and then we went to Coronado to leave the bags at Camila's, since we're leaving the apt tomorrow.

Yes, love, our journey is coming to an end. Just thinking about going back to Brazil makes me sad, depressed... Being in heaven and going to hell so abruptly is very complicated. We are trying, believe me...

Then we stayed 1 hour on the beach and watched the sunset. Always wonderful to be at the beach as a family. In the place I love the most, with the person I love the most: you!

15/07 - Chapter 84: Highway from Hell

Babe, now that you're crawling, it's impossible to stop you. The problem is that sometimes sitting or crawling you fall and hit your head. A lot has happened since we got here.

Returning to SP, I will use the helmet I bought to mock my mother who dropped you once, and now it will end up helping a lot. And today you also hit your forehead on the edge of the bathtub before taking a shower... In addition to that, by coming back from the store alone, I placed you in the car seat and you cried the whole way, 17 minutes. And since 90% of the way here is free way, I've never been so desperate in my life. You cried screaming, sobbing, drowning, losing air. I started crying too and when I stopped the car I gave you the biggest hug.

There is nothing worse for a mother than seeing her child crying so much for whatever reason and not being able to do anything. My chest literally hurt. I love you, don't do this to me anymore.

PS: tomorrow is our last day here :( While your grandparents counted the day for the trip to end so they could see you, I counted the days for it not to end.

17/07 - Chapter 85: Coming back to the hell hole

Today was the sad day to return. We woke up reasonably early, and Matt's mother came to pick us up in two cars, as I had 4 bags to check in, not counting personal items, your bag and carry-ons. It was difficult for us to get to check-in with so much luggage so your dad tipped someone to help us.

Arriving at check-in, already a bomb: U$220 to check in the 4 bags. Oh, aviation... Getting worse by the day, taking away more and more benefits and worsening its services, including food. And off we went to Texas. You slept a little, but not all the way, but you behaved.

Getting off in Texas we didn't even have time to stretch our legs, they were already boarding for the flight from São Paulo. All this is also because it took us a while to get to the departure area, since we had to take the damn train at the Dallas airport. I hate these trains. It took us about 20 minutes just to get from block C to block E. And I wish I had stopped at a fast food place to buy a hamburger precisely because of the horrible food on the plane. But there was no time, unfortunately. And again the food was disappointing. Very bad chicken, and breakfast, needless to say, worse than the first time.

This time we were given a yogurt, and a jar of granola to put in the yogurt. More than R$12k in tickets and that's what I get. This part of the plane was the most complicated because I didn't calculate the time zone well.

You were sleeping earlier in San Diego, around 9:00 pm, and if our flight was at 7:30 pm, we would only have to distract you for 1:30 or so. But I forgot one detail: Texas has a time zone. 2 hours MORE than San Diego. That is, what was supposed to be a flight at 7:30 pm, was at 5:30 pm SD time. And not only that, we boarded earlier because we had priority with a baby, boarding was at 6:30 pm, that is, 4:30 pm in SD time.

9 pm to 4:30 pm, that's 4 and a half hours to distract a baby. Extremely difficult task. AND IT WAS DIFFICULT. But we succeed. You fell asleep around 8 pm San Diego time, it took some work to distract you for so long, but task accomplished.

Oh, I had a breakdown on the plane, I cried like a baby sitting in the seat bc I didn't want to go back. I had been accumulating this sadness for so many days, until I had a shock of reality when I got on the plane and saw so many Brazilians and thought that in a few hours I would be in the place I hate so much.

18/07 - Chapter 86: The end is drawing near

We arrived in Brazil and my sadness was great. It only disappeared when I saw my parents running to hug you. We got home and they took care of you while I went to sleep. I was surprised that your father was very tired but then he didn't want to sleep and didn't go to sleep until after 10 pm. Crazy. You were finding the environment strange and crying a lot, it seems that you were sad or feeling my sadness. But I think I was really just tired.

I had so much stuff to unpack and start delivering to customers. But I didn't do almost anything because I was extremely tired, and tomorrow is her 9th month, everything was very fast and very short notice.

Last night, your father and I had a meeting with a family law attorney (who kindly offered us an hour of her time without charge since she's a client of your mom) to understand our rights and the legal implications in case we decide to go our separate ways. We're not fighting, and we're on good terms, but not romantically. It seems that the end is drawing near.

19/07 - Chapter 87: Happy 9, little Elsa

My love, today you turn 9 months old, and your monthly milestone celebration couldn't be missed. After all, it's the reason we returned from San Diego on the 17th, so we could celebrate, once again, one more month of your life. nd this month's milestone is dedicated to Jasmine.

I was worried you wouldn't be in a good mood for the party because you barely took a nap in the afternoon, but it wasn't as bad as I imagined. Everything turned out fine, and we were able to celebrate together another month of your beautiful existence.

This was the month with the fewest videos recorded: I ended up forgetting amidst all the festivities. So when you watch the home videos of this month's celebration, don't be surprised that the 9th one is a bit shorter. I was focused on the party and forgot about that part. Here are some lovely photos from the little celebration.

20/07 - Chapter 88: Too many new rules

Today was the day for the pediatrician's visit. It had been 2 months since u last went so it was about time. We arrived there and you spent a good half hour playing with your cousin Rafa. You 2 are starting to play together a lot, and it's so lovely to see ur interaction.

We went into the doctor's office, and we were there for almost 2 hours, 1h for you and 1h for your cousin. I showed something that has been bothering me on your little foot to Dr. Mara, but she couldn't give a definite answer. She thought it might be a wart. I didn't feel confident about it, so I'll take you to another doctor.

As I've mentioned before, Dr. Mara used to be my pediatrician, so as you can imagine, she's an older lady but she has some ideas that align with today's modernity, and I don't particularly like them. Nowadays, everything has changed when it comes to raising kids: no more spanking, for example, which seems absurd to others (everyone from previous generations got spanked and turned out fine). There's this trend of letting children eat with their hands. Don't get me wrong, it's nice and interesting, and you do it too occasionally, but there's nothing wrong with feeding you with a good old spoon from time to time. Why not both? However, the most challenging thing for me with this method is the fear of choking. I, as an adult, frequently choke on food, so imagine babies who are still learning to eat/chew/swallow. Anyway, it's become trendy, and everyone is doing it now, especially to post on TikTok and Instagram, as if that honestly makes someone a better mother. Sigh... Another thing now is the idea that children shouldn't be exposed to screens at all before the age of 2. Or that they shouldn't consume any sugar at all before the age of 2. People make a big fuss about it, you can't even imagine.

Babe, I've told you before that everything in life should be done with balance and moderation. If you can do that, I guarantee you'll go far! I'll give you some moderate sweets, and I'll try to teach you the importance of moderation. Today's generation is so extreme about everything.

And oh, you watch screens too. Your dad, who was against it, finally gave in and realized that parenthood isn't as easy and colorful as influencers and TikTok people make it seem. When you become a mother someday, do what your heart believes is right. Of course, don't be ignorant; keep an open mind to new research and listen to what the doctors say, but don't go crazy. Don't over-restrict. The world today is incredibly uptight!

I hate to break it to you, but you were born in a time with insufferable people. I strongly believe that establishing healthy habits surrounding sugar intake is an important task that parents can take on. Sugary treats are everywhere and equipping our children with realistic and healthy approaches to sugar consumption will benefit them throughout their lives.

Some folks/parents might wonder how this impact children, well... I believe that when kids are offered treats as a reward for healthy eating, they learn how to self-regulate their sugar consumption. So, for example, I am a dessert lover, and since I was given sweets after healthy meals from a young age, I find that I know how to control the amount of sweets I eat as an adult and I am able to moderate my dessert intake.

28/07 - Chapter 89: Different pathways, same destination

Your dad and I are officially living apart now. You know, there are two sides to this situation, and I'm trying to find comfort and see the positive aspects in both scenarios. Our therapist asked us to make a list of what our life together would be like and how it would be apart, so that on Monday we could possibly have our last session. All of this happened very suddenly and rapidly, because everything was fine in San Diego, but I've experienced so many setbacks in my life that I'm no longer surprised or wondering.

It's good that you know something from a young age: people always leave. Throughout your life, you'll witness people you love walking away. Life is indeed like a high-speed train, and everyone's destination is the same.

We just have to try to enjoy and make every moment count with those we love. And speaking of "people always leave," I think I'll talk to you about One Tree Hill soon. I HAVE TO!

30/07 - Chapter 91: A place where everything is unequal

Today we had lunch with the family. We went to a place that has some incredible chicken bites. Then we planned to get ice cream at Bacio de Latte, but we were so full from lunch that we couldn't manage it.

Before we arrived at the restaurant, I was debating with my father about going to the United States. I don't know why, but my parents are very reluctant to let me go there. I mean, I understand. We are a close-knit family, and above all, they don't want to be far away from you. But at the same time, they should also consider that here is not the best place for you. However, it seems like they don't worry as much about safety as I do...

I get it, especially for my father who stays confined at home all day. But for someone with an active life in São Paulo, things are different. I explained that the country is poor, full of thieves, criminals, a corrupt/dirty country, with people lacking education, etc. But my father has this belief - as a follower of the Spiritist religion - that Brazil will one day become a world power, the heart of the world... He has been let down so many times by these prophecies, especially last year in 2022 during the presidential elections, and he doesn't learn that all of this is nonsense. There are no prophecies, none of these things exist.

I find his faith remarkable, but only up to a certain point, because faith is something very, very dangerous. Often, it can do more harm than good.

That's what happened to me in 2008, and it was enough for me to know that faith can be deceitful. But he still hasn't learned that. Imagine... Brazil as a world power. It will never happen, and I feel sad because as he ages, he will see everything going the opposite way, the country just regressing. Brazil is a country that cannot be fixed, it has no solution. Corruption is deeply rooted, and nothing will ever be able to reverse it. And because of this absurd corruption and blindly faithful followers, there's unemployment, poverty, which lead to robberies, assassinations, and deaths. It's a country where poverty only increases, as well as absurd social inequality. This is reflected in blood, and mostly, innocent blood. I would say like this: "Hard to understand what the problem with Brazil is? No. Difficult is to solve it." Currently, we live in a country where everything is unequal. Welcome to Brazil, my daughter, the country of carnival. Where people only think about partying, having fun, food, drinks, and sex! A country without a solution, a country of depression.

On the way back from the restaurant, we stopped to pick up your dad, and he came to my parents' house again. This doesn't mean anything significant; we are still separated, but since we have our last therapy session tomorrow, it would be easier for him to be here so someone can take care of you while we wrap up our joint therapy session.