To my daughter Melanie (August, 2023)

 01/08 - Chapter 92: Winning in the wrong lottery: Parethesia

Today was the day for an endoscopy, and the night before, my mind was racing with thoughts. The procedure itself went smoothly; I received anesthesia through my hand, which was much less painful compared to the one I had during your delivery. This time, I didn't feel as groggy, and I could remember almost everything. Once I got home, I took a four-hour nap.

 However, before that, I felt a bit unwell, almost fainted, and ended up vomiting. It's not uncommon for me due to my low blood pressure. But the night before, my thoughts were swirling with what-ifs. It's funny how, with any medical procedure, there's always that element of risk, be it an endoscopy or even a wisdom tooth extraction—speaking of which, I'll circle back to that topic. Now, what concerns me more is the thought of something happening to me. I genuinely care because I don't want to leave you. I've been eagerly awaiting your presence my entire life, and I have so much to share and teach you. 

The idea of my passing also brings other concerns to the forefront. I worry that your father might take you far away, to Spain, close to his family. This would be a double blow for my parentes. Losing their daughter and essentially losing their granddaughter. The impact on them would be immense, given their deep attachment to you. It's a lot to contemplate, especially when thinking about the ripple effects on those we love.

 Getting back to the wisdom tooth saga... When I was around 20, my wisdom teeth started causing issues. The dentist suggested removing the one on the right side (I didn't pay much attention to which side at the time). However, as she didn't perform the surgery herself, she directed me to another dentist in her network. Given all the stories I'd heard about the complexity of the procedure, I was pretty scared. Little did I know, it would turn out worse than I could have imagined. 

I spent over 3 hours on the dentist's chair; it was a long and complex extraction. At one point, I even fainted on the chair (yes, fainted again). To top it off, at the end of the surgery, the dentist reviewed my X-ray and exclaimed, "Oh no, I removed the wrong wisdom teeth." She had taken out the ones that weren't causing any trouble, the ones that shouldn't have been extracted. It was a horrendous ordeal that I had undergone unnecessarily. To make matters worse, I would have to go through it all over again to remove the wisdom teeth on the correct side.

 We didn't pursue any legal action because my mother and I are too soft-hearted; we felt sorry for her. Besides, she was pregnant, and we thought, " "Well, just remove all of them at once. Then they won't bother me anymore." Looking back, I wish I had stuck with her even though she f*cked up.

 I decided to change dentist due to the mistake of the previous one, and I think it was a mistake. The surgery with the new dentist was just as complex and extensive, but this time, she pinched my nerve. Weeks went by, and I still had paresthesia; the entire lower part of my gum on the right side didn't regain feeling. Many people, including experienced dentists, tried to reassure us, saying it was temporary and would eventually come back. True, cases that don't recover are very rare, affecting less than 1% of people with paresthesia, but those cases do exist, and unfortunately, I became one of them. I didn't win the lottery, but I did win permanent paresthesia.

 Initially, dealing with paresthesia was incredibly challenging—I felt itching, tingling, and had numerous breakdowns and crying spells, struggling to accept my "condition". The realization that it was permanent led to occasional panic. Over the years, I explored various treatments, including laser therapy and consultations with maxillofacial surgeons, but it seems there's no definitive solution unless the condition is addressed immediately after onset. Unfortunately, misled by assurances that it was "temporary," we didn't seek help in time, leading to my enduring this permanent condition.

 Today, it bothers me less, but there are moments when I recall it, feel it, and experience a sense of sadness. I think about all the sensations I can no longer feel that were once a part of me. Having lived with it for many years, it has become integrated into who I am.  

 Recent events in Brazil, where a young woman of 18 passed away after a wisdom tooth extraction, brought back my fears. She had an infection that went untreated for too long, spreading to her organs. While such cases are extremely rare, she unfortunately fell victim to this rarity. This situation reignited my concern about potential complications during the endoscopy. I'm not ready to leave; there's so much more I want to experience with you!

02/08 - Chapter 93: Rudolph, the reindeer

Today, we headed to the pediatrician to figure out what's going on with your nose. A few days back, you woke up with this massive bump on your forehead, nose, and head.

It got us all concerned, but we suspected it might be an insect bite triggering an allergy. The next day, the bump on your forehead looked way better, but your nose was still pretty red. 

I got a bit worried thinking you might have caught a nose infection from grandpa, especially considering how much you two look alike (check out the photo!). 

Off to the pediatrician we went, and it turns out it was an allergic reaction, probably from a mosquito, spider, or ant bite. Now, my little Rudolph, you've got that adorable red nose going on.

Sweetie, at the pediatrician's, you shed quite a few tears. You even had moments where you lost your breath. Turns out, you're not just crying for nothing – the doc mentioned you're teething all four teeth on the top. Hang in there, my little princess.

04/08 - Chapter 94: Feeling my world falling apart

Today, your grandma Simone and your cousin Rafinha came over to take both of you to play at Uncle Júnior's while your dad and I went to the market for groceries. 

Having that time alone at the market surprisingly did us good. Sometimes, I find hope that we can work things out, and other times, not so much. All I can say is that today feels better than yesterday. I'm not sure how long things will stay like this, but I really hope it doesn't change anytime soon

Then, in the evening, my world almost came crashing down. I messaged my dad, and he didn't reply.

Later, my mom mentioned that she tried calling him to arrange for him to pick you and Rafinha up, but he didn't answer. After dropping you off at home and arriving in Serra, she continued trying to reach him, but with no success. We started getting a bit worried because it was already past 10 p.m., especially when we noticed no activity from him in the work group chat. He's usually active on WhatsApp and quick to respond in the work group. The panic set in when my sister mentioned that no one at the office had seen or heard from him all day. That's when my heart started racing, anxiety kicked in, and I began imagining ten different scenarios.

My sister wanted to go with Rafael on his motorcycle to my dad’s office. First, they'd check the parking lot to see if your grandfather's car was there.  Honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted his car to be there or not, because I was thinking this way:

If his car was there and he wasn't answering his phone, my mind raced through alarming possibilities—he could be unwell, experiencing a heart attack, or something even worse, possibly unconscious. On the other hand, if his car wasn't there, it meant he was missing, and no one knew where he could be.

 

I found myself torn about whether I wished to find his car in the parking lot or not. Even if he didn't have his phone nearby, the idea of him being at the office meant he was likely working. He needed WhatsApp for communication and to handle contracts. It didn't make sense to me that everything was okay.

 

Your dad, despite having limited driving experience, turned into a superhero. He took the car and rushed to the office to check on him. Thankfully, he spotted your grandfather leaving the office to head home. The collective distress and desperation we felt were overwhelming. It's incredible how life can take a drastic turn from one moment to the next. I can't fathom a life without my parents, just as I can't envision my life without you. While I know that one day I'll have to prepare for the inevitable, experiencing such a brutal, horrendous situation is something no one can truly be ready for.

 

Living in this country feels like navigating through constant fear, insecurity, and violence—it's like living in a state of perpetual chaos! It's disheartening to think that even your dad had to carry knives in his pocket for protection. What a peaceful place to call home, isn't it?

05/08 - Chapter 95: HighLine School

Today was a peaceful day; we went to visit a school called HighLine School. It's a bilingual school that covers from nursery to elementary education. As soon as we got there, I liked it a lot. I saw many children playing and having fun. As I explored the school I noticed the children & teachers speaking only in English. I think it's great bc you'll already have that English immersion by being around me & your dad given that he and I communicate in English. Experiencing this at school will be wonderful too. I know you're still very young for preschool, but it's only for 4 hours a day, and I feel like you'll have much more fun in an environment like that, with other children and activities, than being confined in this tiny apartment with absolutely nothing to do. At least while we're still living here.

I swear, I'm thinking about what's best for you. Additionally, your dad and I need time to study and understand how things will work, whether together or separately, and start planning our lives. To do that, we need time. But you require attention 24 hours a day. You don't just sit and play. You always want someone around to play with you and give you attention.

So, to be able to plan, we need this window of time. Not to mention we need to work to be able to provide you with a better life. I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun, even away from Mommy. But I can't deny that I'll miss you, even if it's just for a few hours. I'm not ready, but it's necessary.

The plan is to enroll you there in October, so we still have 2 more months together!

07/08 - Chapter 96: Unknown white goo & Dad's quality

One day after we visited the pediatrician, you started regurgitating a white goo, as if it were mucus but coming out of your mouth. And then it got worse, so that you would regurgitate after every meal, whether it was solid food or just milk. We were worried throughout the weekend and we're going to take you to the doctor this week. I read that it might be related to teething, but only the doctor can confirm. This week is going to be so busy!!!

Today I had couples therapy with your father, and the psychologist asked us to write things we admire and like about each other, and this is the text I wrote about your father, which I think you should know as well, because he has numerous qualities:

"On the first day I met Stan, my heart wasn't yet open, but I was enchanted by how the conversation flowed so simply and naturally. I was captivated by his funny, light-hearted, fun, and sarcastic way. I'm someone who has always appreciated funny people. From that day on, little by little, I got to know him better and saw that his humor was just the tip of the iceberg. There was much more to discover.

This was one of the reasons that led me back to San Diego to find him again,even though he didn't insist that I come back. I was intrigued by his person and wanted to continue discovering more things that unfortunately our brief time together couldn't reveal to me. Stan, above all, is a selfless person. He always puts himself second, tucking away his own pain to embrace the pain of others, or even their happiness, it doesn't matter. He sees this as something negative, but I see it as something genuine, pure, sweet, reminding me of a child's innocence. I think to myself: wow, how much better the world would be with more people like Stan. Not only is he selfless and kind-hearted, but he's also a sentimental person (despite putting on a mask in recent years), caring about whether everyone around him is well, if they need something, and if there's something he can do. Well, this goes back to his heart, and I've already said that he has an abundance of that. After all, he also loves charity, doing what he can, and always encouraging whenever he can. I've talked about his great sense of humor, which brings things with lightness, in a playful tone, always without malice; and his heart. But digging deeper, you see that there's an artist's soul within him. One of those retro, old-fashioned artists, the tortured artist who can't find his place in the world and feels lost. Perhaps because his talent is immense, he doesn't know what to do with it, doesn't accept it, can't see it, can't understand what he has in his hands, and what many people would give anything to have. His drawings aren't just blurry, senseless shapes. No. Most of his drawings are meant to be reflected upon, always addressing essential and deeply concerning themes that urgently need reflection. Themes like nature, the environment, and animals are also a part of his art. His awareness of the world's problems, his desire to improve, learn, and evolve as a human being is another thing to admire. Often, these thoughts are reflected in his drawings, his art, but very few if you wanna know. He needs to allow himself to be the artist he is and try to combine his natural talent with his eagerness to do his best for the world and improve it in some way. I often think he doesn't realize the extent of his talent. I hope one day he sees it. His humor, his heart, his art, it's not everything about him. There's so much more I could write, I could end up writing another book. But let's try to summarize a person whose qualities are countless. His love and care for his family. It's so hard to find especially men who are so connected to their parents. A man who has maintained not just one, but several childhood friends who remain a part of his life to this day. A spiritual person who, despite having many negative thoughts - which he doesn't talk about - always tries to see the positive side.

He's easy to talk to because he's not stubborn, has an open mind, and has no problem changing his opinion if it's incorrect or necessary. He's open to all kinds of debates and isn't afraid to ask questions and inquire. He used to be quite fearful, but nowadays he's trying to come out of his shell and inquire more. He respects everyone's opinions, doesn't offend anyone for having differences, and understands that in life, people think and are different, and that doesn't define them or how he sees them. He understands the importance of respect, realizes that you can be a carnivore and have a vegan friend, or be a Democrat and have a Republican friend. Perhaps this is the secret to his ability to make and maintain friends. Knowing how to respect. Something that is sorely lacking in today's world and in the hateful hearts of people who think the world revolves around them and only them. Not him. How lucky I am.

He's an excellent chef, he cooks so well that I really think if he wanted to, he could even have a restaurant. He has another kind of talent, one that also isn't explored enough, because his food isn't just delicious, all puts all his creativity into his dishes. Speaking of which, here's another quality: creative. After all, an artist has to be, right? He gives excellent massages and knows how to spoil someone when he wants to. He watches things he doesn't even like, but to please his partner, becoming an excellent companion.

A caring, helpful, and curious person. He could travel all over the world and be fascinated by different things in each place. Simple things matter to him, a lot. A person with a lot of patience, always trying to understand the other side or find some justification, even in many unjustifiable things. A person full of light that everyone loves to have around. A person with a beautiful, wide smile, and eyes that I love and wish my daughter had.

Another thing I admire is the intimacy we share. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have this kind of intimacy with anyone else. A person who healed one of the greatest pains I had, and did it without even knowing. He healed my heart little by little, piece by piece, just by being by my side watching silly shows and eating my favorite pizza. He healed me. He saved me.

I love it when he speaks French, oh how beautiful. And I find it very funny when he speaks Spanish with his friends. WHY DOES HE SPEAK SO FAST? And hearing him curse in Spanish is one of the funniest things in life, and even when I'm angry, I listen, I can't help but laugh.

I love that even though he's always confused and unsure of what he wants, he never actually let me go. He always tried to make me stay and have me around. He doesn't realize it, but he's always been that way!

Besides all this, and to conclude, a polyglot. Five languages... His talent and potential are enormous, but they're so vast that he seems to get lost in this giant space, not knowing which direction to take. But whichever direction he chooses, he can't fail because he puts his heart at everything he does. I just wish he could see himself through my eyes, and see him the way I do.

10/08 - Chapter 97: Queen-B

Mel, today we went to visit a nursery school called UniePre, which has a very good reputation. It went me, you, dad, your aunt Tayna, your little cousin Rafinha, and your grandma Simone. Speaking of Rafinha, you've been playing a lot with your cousin. Every time you see him, you scream with joy, shout, and shake your whole body. It's so heartwarming to see this. And when we arrived at the nusery it was no different – you were both very happy. The school is truly enchanting, with a huge space, and you were a big hit with the little students aged 3-5. They were all patting your head and crowding around you, as if you were a queen bee, and you loved all that attention. The last time I saw you so happy was in San Diego.

But the school is quite expensive $2,360 for Nursery... In my time, during high school, my mom used to pay around R$400-600, and now a nursery costs 2,360... damn. After leaving there, we went to the High Line, which we had visited before, but this time with my sister.

As there is a discount available now, it's costing us 2,000, and we won't have to pay the enrollment fee. So, we decided to enroll you in the High Line, and you'll start next Tuesday. And I think your cousin Rafinha will start with you. I'm thrilled!!!!!!!!!!! You NEED this, you are a child who needs to be surrounded by people, especially other kids. You need to be stimulated, distracted, and play. Being confined in this apartment is torture for you, and you're not happy. You need space, and you'll have it!!

The good thing about the High Line is that it's 100% English immersion. You'll already have experience with English from being around me and your dad – at least for now – and our communication has always been in English. And now you'll have English at school all the time too. As for the future, I don't know, because as I've told you, my plan is to take you out of Brazil, but we'll see.

13/08 - Chapter 98: Father's Day

Today was your first Father's Day with daddy. As a gift for him, I gave a mug with a photo of you both, along with several 'I love you, dad' phrases, and an embroidered wallet with a picture of you both at the beach. I hope he liked it.

It was a peaceful day, my mom's family was all here, and we had lunch together. I hope this is the first of many Father's Days that you and your dad will spend together.

Stan is an incredible father; he's like a mother in a way. Sometimes we even argue about it, because I feel like in our relationship (the three of us), there are two mothers. And honestly, I don't know how to handle that. But for you, it's fantastic. Having a father who wants to be a part of your entire life, every detail, from your meals to your education, to the toys you play with.

Your dad not only cares about every aspect of your life, but he also plays with you, gives you love, never raised his voice at you (even on days when you were unbearable), and shows the greatest proof of love, which is day after day, sacrificing and staying away from his entire family, to be in a place as different as Brazil, just to have you close.

Your dad loves you unconditionally and shows it every day.Whether it's changing your diapers, preparing your meals and fruits (yes, he's the one who mostly does that), giving you a bath, or buying books for you.

Daughter, you're very lucky to have such a present and loving father.

Smile and hug your dad whenever you can. And every Father's Day from now on, remember this first one where I told you all of this.

I hope nothing changes, no matter how much the world keeps turning.

14/08 - Chapter 99: The Hunger Games & Any government can fall

Today we went to a private doctor (pediatric gastroenterologist) to investigate why you've been vomiting this white goo. When we got there, the doctor said that apparently your stomach and throat are in great condition, but what's likely causing the trouble is your teeth. 4 of them are coming in at the same time, and your gums were very swollen. She mentioned that if the vomiting persists/keep crying so much every night, we should come back in 15 days, as she might need to order tests to figure out what's going on. I hope not.

After that, we had a calm afternoon. At night, your father and I finally finished watching the entire Hunger Games movie. It took us over a week to watch them all. I didn't remember that I had watched until the beginning of the third one.

Since the 3rd movie, the whole vibe changed from the 1st and 2nd, I think I found it boring back when I was younger and didn't finish it. But it's really good, and I'm glad I finally watched the whole thing. The movies started coming out in 2014, 2015, and I only finished them now in 2023. LOL.

Your father and I enjoyed watching them together a lot, but mostly the story. In the end, I came to the conclusion that we're not so far from the Hunger Games.

When I watched the first movie in 2014, we were distant; now, in 2023, not so much.

In summary, it's a critique of the government and dictators. Starting from the 3rd movie, people rebel and two sides of politics emerge: the wealthy government and its blind "Capitol" supporters, and the rebels against the government. However, even the rebels have a leader, and when the "rebels" win the war against the government that orchestrated the Hunger Games (remember that the government only put people from the 13 districts, poor and hardworkers kids, into the Hunger Games arena, while the Capitol residents - rich people - were exempt), the leader of the other side now decided to continue the Hunger Games. But this time, instead of selecting poor people from the districts, they would select the children of the Capitol residents as a revenge to instill respect and teach them a "lesson." And games resume, but on the other side. So, it becomes a never-ending cycle of bloodshed.

Of course, the heroine of the book/movie kills the radical leader so that no more deadly games happen on either side. But the message is what's important: that no matter which side you're on, too much power is a poison.

Why do I say we're not far from this? Well, the political scenario here in Brazil, for example, and even in the U.S., people are extremely radical, to the point of wishing harm and not wanting people who voted for different candidates to be around them (as I mentioned to you in previous chapters). And I come to the conclusion that these people (the fanatics) would not only watch a Hunger Games with people who voted differently but would also celebrate each death. And I'm not joking. There are people so deluded, fanatic, and who believe that only their opinion matters, and that's why the world is like this, my daughter. They think the other side is evil but how can they say that if they "are also" evil?

Makes no sense.

I don't know where we'll be in 10 years, but I hope with more love in our hearts and more respect for others. I see so many angry comments on social media, especially from the extreme left against those who voted for Bolsonaro or Trump, for example,

Anyway, I think your father is right in his theory. We believe this was always the government's intention and only in the past decade have they managed to achieve it (before, the population wasn't so polarized, divided, and didn't hate each other for different opinions). I believe the government wants this division simply because the people will never have the strength to come together and fight against the corrupt and powerful government. But when the entire population is fed up and angry at their leaders, they can bring down anyone.

Let's take the example of Venezuela. If Nicolás Maduro couldn't rely on his private police (gestapo) being on his side, and if they revolted against him along with the population, he and his corrupt government would fall! But because many people are bought with money,

that I guarantee you these people (the fanatics) would love a Hunger Games for their voters. There's also some of this from the extreme right, but the hurtful comments I see are infinitely fewer. they don't join a bigger and nobler cause; they let themselves be bought. However, if the entire population revolted against him - included Gestapo - there would be absolutely nothing he could do. With the strength of all the people together, any government falls. Divided, it'll never happen bc besides not having the numbers/enough strength, the other side will blindly defend the corrupt government as well, often out of blindness and an inability to see what's right in front of them. So, a polarized population is always advantageous for any government. But anyways babe, in the movie we can recognise this clear division of political camps in our own history (although, again, in 2014 it wasn't that polarized and now it's way worse) but the world of The Hunger Games is frighteningly similar to our world. Hence the disturbing feeling that this might even be a possible scenario in a near-future reality. Control is the key word, whether it is through the repression of any rebellious movement – even peaceful protests – and this control is happening sadly in Brazil right now. Alexandre de Moraes for instance, someone that nobody voted to represent a country is the one giving the cards in Brazil. His tight control of everything that happens in Brazil gives him exclusive authority and security, and of course, he's connected to criminal factions in Brazil. He is untouchable - for now.

15/08 - Chapter 100: First day of school & Red flags

Today was your 1st day at school. You were excited and eager especially because your cousin was going with you. I took you at 2 PM, and you went with the teacher without looking back. But about 15 minutes later, you started crying a lot. I picked you up to calm you down for about 5 minutes, and when I put you back down, you were fine.

Your dad and I watched from a distance. There was a moment when you went with the teacher to a grassy area because the school campus is quite open, with many trees, and under a coconut tree there were several small coconuts. I saw the moment when you had one in your mouth and I saw the teacher trying to take it out of your mouth.That was the first red flag. Either you don't put babies in environments with potentially dangerous objects or you don't take your eyes off the child for a single second.

Shortly after, your cousin Rafinha arrived. Surprisingly, you didn't pay much attention to him, and you weren't as excited as you usually are when you see him. We were all surprised. He wasn't too bothered by it either. I think being surrounded by so many children in a new environment made everything else more interesting for both of u.

After a while, Rafinha started crying a lot, and Tayna got really worried. She held him in her arms for a long time. I thought he might be tired or hungry. Babies cry for a reason. She got upset, understandably so, because when he cried, the teachers just held him and walked around trying to distract him. That's not how you should do with babies. You should try to give the baby milk, then try to put them to sleep, change their diapers, and identify the source of the problem.After your aunt gave him milk, he got better.Second red flag. After that, we left because you and Rafinha would cry whenever you saw us there. Later, I received an audio message from the school saying that Rafinha was fine, but you were crying a lot and if I could come and pick you up. I asked, "Did you give her milk?" I asked because I had informed the school about your routine, including the fact that you have milk between 4 and 5 PM, and it was exactly that time. They said no because you had just finished your pre-dinner meal, but I know you, and I know that when you want milk, it doesn't matter how much solid food you've eaten. I asked them to try, and it worked – it was the milk!!! Third red flag. But I was more relieved knowing that you calmed down. At 6:30 PM, we picked you up, and you and Rafinha were sleeping together like two little angels. It was the cutest part of the day.

Before that, your aunt even cried in the car, feeling anxious about leaving Rafinha there. She was genuinely nervous and felt pressured. Who would've thought? Your aunt and I switched roles – we always thought I would be like that and Tayna would be as calm as I usually am. Motherhood is a mystery.

I'm not sure if your aunt will take your cousin to school tomorrow; I hope she does. But I think you had fun.

16/08 - Chapter 101: One soldier down

Today I received the news I expected: Your little cousin won't be joining you to school anymore. Your aunt gave up. Such a drama queen, lol. It was your second day of school, and today was much better because you didn't cry at any moment.

You explored the sensation of cassava with touch, smell, taste... and you got quite distracted with the teachers and your little friends.

When I came to pick you up from school, you were very happy, but we didn't get to spend much time together because shortly after, your grandma came to get you to take you to Jr's place because it's your cousin Marina's 14th birthday. She took you and Rafinha, but Grandma said you didn't want to be held by anyone except her, and you were holding on to her tightly. You didn't even want to play with your cousin Rafinha. I think since you had been out the whole day, you just wanted to be with someone familiar.

At night, you came home, we took a bath together, and then I put you to sleep.

17/08 - Chapter 102: A strong unexpected flu & Grandma's birthday

Today I woke up early to go to the doctor for a gallbladder ultrasound. But I woke up feeling really unwell. My nose was running constantly, and I had a strong sore throat. Your dad messaged me in the morning, saying you had a runny nose, sneezing, and coughing all the time, and I thought: oh no, both my daughter and I are really sick. And to help, today, Grandma's birthday, and we're going to celebrate with the whole family at a restaurant tonight.

I came back home to check on you, and you indeed had a runny nose all the time. But you were playing, happy, jumping around, eating, so I decided to take you to school because, unlike you, I was feeling really unwell, wanting to lie down, with a strong headache, I wasn't capable of taking care of you. And to make things worse, your dad was also coughing and getting sick.

Still, your father went to a tattoo studio because I encouraged him to look for a course since he draws very well, and I think this could truly be his calling.

So, I took you to school by myself. When I reached the door, I remembered that I forgot your formula, and when I took you out of the car, I realized I didn't just forget the formula, but your entire bag. Damn it... I left you at school so you could have your afternoon snack, went back to the apartment, got the bag and the formula, went back to school, and guess what? Your pacifier wasn't there. Now I was just mad! I was sick, and I just wanted to rest, but my brain wasn't functioning properly. I returned home, but this time, I did something different. I put your pacifier in a container and sent it through Uber. Yes, I paid for an Uber so I wouldn't have to go back and could rest. I couldn't leave you without your pacifier because you only sleep/nap with it, especially when you're sick.

I tried to sleep a bit, but it was unsuccessful; my cough wouldn't let me. So, I stayed in bed, resting. I took a quick shower and went to pick you up to go celebrate Grandma's birthday. When we got there, we had a family dinner and enjoyed a delicious walnut cake. I hope nobody catches our strong flu.

18/08 - Chapter 103: Skipping school, already?

You haven't even started going to school, and you already had to skip it. That's because the night was tough. After we came back from my mom's birthday party, you and I were feeling very unwell at night. We couldn't breathe through our noses, only through our mouths; the coughing was unbearable. And the worst part was, you wanted your pacifier. But if you couldn't breathe through your nose, how could I cover your mouth with the pacifier? So, I would put it in, and then quickly take it out just so you could fall asleep.

During the night, you would wake up whining, as if you were in pain or discomfort. Poor baby, I felt so bad for you. I thought: There's no way you're going to school tomorrow. When a baby/child is sick, they just want to be with their mom, not to mention you could infect other kids or even the teachers. We need to think about others.

So, today, the three of us were sick together. Me, you, and daddy. But it's so difficult to take care of a sick child when you're not feeling well yourself. Could it be C-O-V-I-D?

19/08 - Chapter 104: Happy 10th, Rapunzel

It's been 10 months since my world changed and stopped being 'me' to become 'us'. Approaching a year, I started missing the end of my pregnancy, the anxiety I felt to have you in my arms and to see your little face, holding you in my arms for the first time. All the uncertainties that were still to come. But it's just nostalgia because having you in my life, close to me, and waking up to your smiles every day, is the fuel of my life. I love you, happy 10 months, Rapunzel.

20/08 - Chapter 105: Grandpa, only grandpa!!!!

Since your party yesterday, you've been extremely attached to your grandfather. When he's around, you don't want to go with anyone else but him. Not with your dad, not with your mom, not even with your grandma. And this happened suddenly, out of nowhere. I'm afraid you might be feeling something towards him, as if something could be about to happen to him.

I'm being overly paranoid, right? But the truth is, at least 4 people have mentioned that u have a deep gaze and look into the depths of people's souls. So... idn.

27/08 - Chapter 106: Campos do Jordão

Yesterday everything was set for us to go to Campos do Jordão to celebrate Grandma's birthday, which is in a few weeks. We planned this trip last month; she wanted to go there with the family and grandchildren, so we booked 3 rooms at the hotel. However, since yesterday, the weather has changed dramatically, and it's very cold. And believe it or not, you're still quite sick. And your cousin Rafinha too.

My mom woke up early to try to reschedule the hotel for next week, but it was useless because, as we purchased through a website and not directly from the hotel, rescheduling wasn't possible.

So, she called my sister, and initially, my sister didn't want to go because Rafa was still sick, and she was afraid of catching the flu as well, especially since she's having liposuction surgery in two weeks.

I got really upset and told my mom I wasn't going anymore either, mainly because on the phone, my mom said it was no problem, that she wouldn't be upset, and that she understood. But we all knew that my mom was sad. Not about the money that would be lost, but because my sister didn't show consideration and didn't want to celebrate her birthday together as my mom had wished for. And so, I said I wouldn't go either because you were also sick, and it would be a struggle to travel for 3 hours in the cold weather, and it was meant to be a family gathering.

Shortly after, my sister called back and changed her mind, so in the end, we ended up going. Even though we arrived there at night, I'm glad we made the decision to go because the first thing we did was go to the pool. I had never seen Rafinha so happy, and you were having a lot of fun too. It was a massive pool, and on top, there was a jacuzzi with slightly warmer water. In that cold weather, it was wonderful. You, your cousin, and all of us had a blast, especially seeing you so happy. And my mom was happy, having the birthday celebration she wanted, and that's what mattered.

At night, we all went to have fondue. Initially, we were planning to go to Krokodilo, a super famous fondue buffet restaurant. They said it was R$200 per person, but when we called, it was R$118. The big issue there is that they don't accept credit or debit cards. It has to be either cash or through PIX (a transfer payment system in Brazil). What kind of establishment does that? I've never seen that in my life!!! Well, their problem, I think that's bad for business, so we looked for another place. Besides, the Google reviews about them - especially regarding their service - weren't the best, nor were the compliments about the food.

I found another place with great reviews. But upon arrival, prejudice took over because it was a very simple and small place. My mom was quite hesitant and was already planning to leave. I told her not to judge a book by its cover and to give it a chance. Besides, it was already past 9 PM, it was late, and we wouldn't have time to eat anywhere else. So, we stayed there. And thank goodness we did. It was a very pleasant and enjoyable night with family. The food was excellent, generously served, the hospitality was wonderful, the waitresses kept playing around and pampering you. It was all very enjoyable, and in the end, they even sang happy birthday to my mom with some strawberries and chocolates that the establishment gave her.

Moral of the story? Don't judge a book by its cover, my love. Sometimes, the most luxurious places are the ones most focused on money and least concerned about customers. They provide terrible service and don't care if they lose a customer here or there. On the other hand, sometimes simple places surprise us. This isn't a rule, of course. It doesn't mean that every luxurious place is bad and every simple place is good. What I mean is to always give places and people a chance because sometimes we might be pleasantly surprised.

28/08 - Chapter 107: 13:30 hours of sleep

Today we woke up early and had a delicious breakfast at the hotel. After that, we went for a stroll around the town center together. We saw various places and chocolate shops. The chocolate shops were RIDICULOUSLY expensive. R$25.00 for 100g of chocolate, and the chocolates weren't even good, that's what makes it even more frustrating. But, I got curious and had to waste money to believe it. I spent R$50.00 on half a dozen chocolates, and let me tell you... never again! Touristy places are a hassle, everything is so expensive, and most of the time, it's not worth it.

But that's okay, we wandered around and spent time as a family. Your dad even bought you a handmade horse with building blocks. He wanted to get the elephant one, but it had fewer pieces. We placed the horse and the elephant ones in front of you, and you chose the horse.

On the way back, you slept the entire 3-hour journey, and we arrived home in the evening. Even so, inexplicably, you were extremely sleepy. So, by 10 PM, you were already asleep. (I guess the trip tired you out? Even though you slept a lot). And believe it or not, you woke up at 11:30 today. Over 13 hours of sleep. A personal record for you, congratulations. You truly are my daughter.

30/08 - Chapter 108: A big ball pit doesn't worth R$86

The next day you woke up feeling great and energetic. Your father woke up very early to go to his tattoo course to make up for the class he had missed on monday due to the trip to Campos. So, he would attend the missed class and the afternoon class as usual, spending the whole day at the course. He even paid for an Uber (R$45) to avoid taking the crowded subway, and when he got there, guess what? The assistant got the day wrong. Meaning, he spent money, woke up early, and wasted time staying there until 2 PM, which was the time for the next course.

Well, since you had pain at night and a fever, I had to reschedule the stomach specialist, and the only available time was for Thursday at 3:10 PM. And, wouldn't you know it, I had planned to go to a balloon event on Thursday. But when I canceled to reschedule, everything was already sold out. And the event would end on September 10th. How frustrating... Then a slot opened up for 12:30 today. It was 11:30, I didn't know if we could make it in time, but since you were feeling better, I took the risk. I got myself ready,got you ready,and off we went. Arriving at Expo Center Norte - since it was an event, I thought it would be there - the surprise: 70 BRAZILIAN REAIS FOR PARKING. I've never seen anything so absurd. Not even in New York. Nowhere, really. Since I have Connect Car, as soon as I entered, it charged my card. Already super stressed, frustrated, and feeling that the outing wasn't worth all this, I picked you up and went in. And guess what? It wasn't even the right place for the event; it was in the mall. Not only did I waste my time, but I also lost 70 because I wouldn't be able to get my money back. Parking at the mall is way cheaper, look at how much I could've saved. Still,I drove to the mall, and when I got there, I insisted to the lady that we should be allowed in, even though our scheduled time was 12:30 and I arrived at 1 PM. I told her everything I had gone through, and she let us in. But even before entering, I saw that it was a tiny space, nothing like the photos and videos I had seen. And when I got in, my suspicions were confirmed: what a waste of money and time. It was a place with balloons above and a big ball pit. But we didn't even stay for 5 minutes because you didn't like it.

In other words, I spent gas + 86 reais for parking. Something I work really hard to have was just thrown away like this. If we had at least enjoyed it together, it might have been different, but no.

What a day your father and I were having, huh? Since you were feeling better, I picked you up and we arrived punctually at the daycare.

In the evening, I picked you up and you seemed fine, but as soon as I held you, I felt that you were warm, and when I measured your temperature, it was 38ºC, and a little before bedtime, it was 38.5. So, I had to administrate the medicine again. What's wrong, my love? :(

31/08 - Chapter 109: Hoes over Broes

Babe, you had a fever again in the early hours, so I was glad we could schedule a doctor's appointment. Off we went. But I noticed that this time the doctor attended to you more quickly. It shouldn't be surprising since it was a follow-up, and she wasn't being paid this time, right? However, since 7 a.m, you haven't had a fever again, and I just put you to sleep. This makes me much more relaxed. Nevertheless, we will see how the night goes and how you feel tomorrow when you wake up to decide if you'll go to school or not.

At night, I finished watching another trilogy with your father. We started with The Hunger Games (the best one so far), then moved on to Maze Runner (I remember watching the first film with my ex-boyfriend and loved it, but the sequels are bad, but at least it has an ending, unlike Divergent), and concluded with Divergent (which I also watched with my ex-boyfriend and loved the first film, but the second and third watching now are really bad). In fact, it didn't have an ending because the last film wasn't produced. But I'm actually happy about it, considering that in the book, the main actress dies, and it ends five years after her death with her best friend.

You see, one thing that really upsets me is this kind of thing. When someone you like gets involved with a friend of ours, or vice versa. I find it very disrespectful. Two people you love/loved getting involved while you're suffering. Nothing built on someone's suffering can result in something good. In the case of the Divergent protagonist, she died, well, it's okay, she can't suffer. But I still feel like it's a kind of betrayal. I think in life, in the world, there are so many millions of men or women for you to fall in love with... so why choose someone who has a history with someone you also loved/love but in a different way (not romantically, in this case, friendship)?

When I was younger, I suffered a lot from this because since adolescence, I had this concept that if my friend liked a boy, that same boy, for me, would become off-limits. I would never see him differently. It's a matter of respect, loyalty.There so many boys out there... friends on the other hand, despite having a few at that age, still... doesn't worth the risk. So, I would never try anything with a guy my friend dated or even had feelings for. Why hurt a friend that way? That's not being a friend, and that's not friendship. is about.

Always try to be a good friend, regardless of whether others will do the same for you or not, whether they will be good friends to you or not. One day, your path will cross with a loyal friend whose principles align with yours. It may not be in childhood, it may not be in adolescence, it may take time, but you will find them. And sometimes it can be someone, even if not - or yes - of the same blood as you.

Friends in adolescence are something we have in abundance, and they are our world. We live for friends. But over time, especially when we finish high school, college, that number decreases until you can count the true ones on just one hand. Not two. One. And sometimes not even a full hand. Rarely a full hand, actually.

When I was 14, in the 8th grade, the last year of middle school, I fell in love with a boy from the Senior Year, LUQUINHAS (17 years old, about to graduate from school). But he was a real player, womanizer, you know? Always chasing after girls. But it took me a while to realize that. At the time, my friends were also interested in these older boys, and they were also flirting with some boys from Luquinhas' class. What did I do? Since my birthday was right in the corner, I invited my friends and the boys from his grade to celebrate at my building (which, after all, was right in front of the school, literally. I lived ACROSS from the school). However, I didn't invite a specific friend of mine that day because I knew she was the kind of girl who only cared about going out with boys, not caring if a friend liked that specific boy or not. You know that phrase 'hoes over bros'? I don't think she liked this phrase. And I knew it. She was a year older than me. Being older and way more "naughty" than me, she used to allow things that I didn't, and so many boys were interested in her. Well, I didn't invite her, but my best friend at the time, Roberta, was also very close to her, and she ended up showing up at her house, and eventually coming down to the ground floor where we were all gathered. I saw many times the boy I was interested in talking to her. My stomach churned, and my fear grew. Despite the fear, he pulled me aside and kissed me. But he asked me not to tell anyone, that he liked things to be more secretive, especially knowing that I was much younger than him. I felt on cloud nine, all in love, all happy. And my friends were also giving kisses here and there with the other boys. Everything seemed perfect - even with my other 'friend' there. Well, at the time of "Happy Birthday," we all went up to my old apartment. We sang. And Karina and Lucas went down before everyone else to the ground floor again. I cut the first slice of cake and guess what? I went to take it to Lucas (Here you give the first slice for the most important person). When I opened the elevator door, I came face to face with him giving my 'friend' Karina a huge kiss. My heart shattered. The worst birthday ever.

It took me a while to recover and forgive my 'friend.' Today, Karina and I even talk to each other occasionally. But it hurt. And then, another friend of mine at the time also hooked up with Lucas at a party (hidden because she knew I liked him, and if I knew, I wouldn't talk to her anymore). But I found out quickly, and when she came to apologize, she was being just two-faced b*tch because the day before her apology, she had hooked up with him again. Since then, this friendship also faded away. I don't want and don't need people like that in my life. Even though I was so young, I already had this concept and ideal so strong within me. Bae, don't be a Karina or a Cibele. Value your friendships. I know, from time to time, you will like a boy who is already in the heart of a friend, it will be difficult, but believe me, IT WILL PASS! You will find other boys. Friendships are more important, especially because at this age, nobody is thinking about a husband or getting married, which would be a completely different case. Enjoy your friends. Respect, and demand respect as well. Don't cultivate fake friendships. Even though it hurts at the moment to lose a friendship that seemed true, it may take more effort in the future and the damage can be greater.