Natascha Martins: To my daughter Melanie (June, 2023)

01/06 - Chapter 63: Changing routine by your own

Today Pietra came and stayed with you for a little while because surprisingly you slept for 2 hours in the afternoon, something you don't usually do. Then we went to look for some things for her 8th birthday party, Frozen and we stopped by the market. We took your stroller but we shouldn't because you HATE sitting, both in the car seat and the stroller or anywhere actually . We even tried the baby comfort of the supermarket cart itself, but you screamed.

On the way back we noticed that you were sneezing and with secretion. You have the flu, and you got it from daddy :( and we don't have a good working thermometer. The old good thermometer, back from my time, they took it out of the market nd now they only have this digital crap that measures the temperature all wrong :(, so we can't know if you have a fever or not.

Anyway, I only managed to get you to sleep at 1 am. Idn what happens, you had a perfect routine. When we put you in the bath, then you breastfed and slept and now not only do you wake up at dawn 2x (which you never did), but it is taking between 1-3 hours to fall asleep after the bath and after your milk. What’s happening, baby girl?

Tomorrow I will try to bake the fitness pan de queso… let’s see if this idea might work in our future or not. I’m trying, babe.

06/06 - Chapter 64: We might had a winner and Meeting Olivia

Today we went to a buffet called Star Kids, in Guarulhos. I think this will be the right buffet for your 1st birthday party. We did the tasting and it was delicious, and the space is very good.

Only the external area and the neighborhood are ugly, and that toy called "Tombo legal" that I love and had at your cousin's party was missing.

Also, today mommy went to the doctor because the night before I had a lot of pain in my legs. I had these pains a lot when I was a child, they called it "growing pain" and it's a very annoying pain. But these pains happen to children, I couldn't be having them. I had to take medicine to sleep because the pain was intense.

Coming back from the doctor we went to see Miguel, who is Mommy's friend since 2013. Meaning we're friends for 10 years. We met in Orlando, at the Apple Store where he sold me an iPhone and we are still very good friends. Since 2019 I haven't seen him and I miss him.

We went to his wife's house to visit them and meet their daughter, Olivia. To my surprise, getting there, you started crying a lot seeing him. And it was like that the whole time we were there.

If he wasn't in sight, it wasn't a problem, but whenever he appeared in front of you, or tried to hold you in his lap, you cried a lot. At least we managed to get a picture of the 4 of us together.

It was a pleasant evening, we talked, we laughed. You met your little friend, Olivia. You need to go out, talk, especially with those who have children and live a similar life in this regard as well.

11/06 - Chapter 65: Laser Tag

Baby, today I was thinking... How to live in a country that doesn't have Laser Tag? Hope you can play one day. When I was 12 years old, Shopping D in São Paulo had a huge space for Laser Tag with 2/3 floors. Several labyrinths... I went with my friends and had fun like never before. Idn why they closed it =(

In the US Laser Tag is something very huge, but unfortunately in Brazil, at least in São Paulo, it no longer exists. And if you go to other countries like Canada, Spain, you will also have the opportunity to play. It is very good. Even as an adult.

16/06 - Chapter 66: Not every woman deserves to be a mom & Blindness

I was watching a super fun video on Facebook and when it ended, it suddenly went to the next video and it was "Mother kills 4-month-old child after she can't stand the baby's persistent crying". At the time I paused the video because I didn't have the stomach for it, and it gave me a heartache, a very abrupt urge to cry. I couldn't watch but I read the news. Instant regret.

recordtv.r7.com/cidade-alerta/

Babe, I remember you like it was yesterday when you turned 4 months old and you were Bela. This is you. 4 months old. I simply can't... imagine...

How can a person, jesus f* christ, do this? I used "person" because I refuse to say "mother". This is NOT A MOTHER. And actually, it's not even a person tbh. This world is sometimes a very dark place to live, babe. It is a place where day after day you get tired. I wish I hadn't read this, because now all I can think about is that poor helpless baby who probably cried hysterically with colic - just like you used to do -and was flung to her death for it. Little did that poor creature know that the pain she was going to feel afterwards would be much greater.

Omg... I can't .... I'm feeling physically sick. How many horrific things we see...

You're sleeping in our bed and I went there to give you a hug and a kiss because my heart is bleeding. I can't think of anything bad happening to u. I will always do anything and give my life if need to keep you safe.

You are everything to me and I can't live in a world where you don't exist. Being your mother was the best gift I got in this life. I love you Mel, I love you so much. With all my heart.

And no, the woman was not suffering from postpartum depression as she claims, as her father's family claimed that she went out a lot to have fun. She's just a motherf****. In those moments, I would really like to believe in God, in heaven and know that this baby has been cherished and is in a better place. But I can't... I can't... How to believe in light if everything you see is darkness?

I'll talk about my beliefs - or lack of it - later on, as it's too big and complicated to write, especially when speaking to your daughter, and I have no idea how old you'll be when you read all of this.

Anyway, it is worth mentioning that since you were 6 months old and we traveled to Orlando, your night routine has changed. Now you have a newborn routine and you're up again and again at night to nurse. Many times even sleeping in mom and dad's bed because you cry in the crib... Everything I wanted to avoid.

The nights are being complicated and I don't know how to make it better. I guess just having... patience?

And today I went to take our cat Pérola to the vet bc I noticed that she was hitting her head in places and my suspicions were confirmed. She is going blind. I was devastated... My Pepé... so young, 5 years old. And apparently there's no way =( there's no surgery, nothing I can do.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... And so far we can't even understand WHY. I feels so useless in these situations. Sad day. :(

17/06 - Chapter 67: Hating men

My love, after a very cold week, we had a June party at your godmother's house. It was really nice, we had fun and you even had a costume for a brief moment. Then I took it off because of the cold.

But at the party you started crying with any man who picked you up. Woman you accepted anyone, now man you cried a lot. With the exception of the ones you were already used to. I thought it was just Claudio...

19/06 - Chapter 68: Happy 8m, little Elsa!

Princess, today you are 8 months old. 8 months of much love, happiness and joy! I thank you every day for being in my life, love. I may not have everything in life, but as long as you're in it, I'll lack nothing. Happy 8 months, my Elsa.

The party was once again beautiful, this time there were more people than expected. Karina came with her son Rafael again and Matheus and Marcela came for the first time.

Your aunt Girleide was competing with your grandma in terms of being the only ones who attended all the monthsarries. But Girleide lost because she missed now your 8th. She is travelling. So for now, your grandma won. Hope she don't miss any by 11 months.

There was more people than I was expecting so there was enough food HAHAHA. Do you know why? Bc there were 4 men... men eat TOO MUCH. That's why I always try to throw party just for women. It ended late and I rush to finish the pack to our trip to San Diego tomorrow. YAY

20/06 - Chapter 69: A big F to American Airlines

Yesterday our long awaited trip to San Diego finally arrived. We knew it would be a boring and long trip. We went to the Airport and got there at 7:25 pm, it took a while to check in. We were hoping we wouldn't pay for the bag but it didn't work, more than R$400.00 to check two bags. It's an absurd! International travel without luggage included. Pathetic. A few years ago we were entitled to TWO suitcases per person of 32 kg each, it was wonderful, because it was practically IMPOSSIBLE to reach 32kg in the suitcase. After a while they switched to TWO 23 kg bags, reducing almost 10 kg per bag. 20 kilos in total per person, which is A LOT. And then they changed it to 0 bag per person......... unless of course you buy a first class ticket.

But I bet that soon even first class will be stripped of that right. Airlines are getting worse every day. We went through immigration and waited for the flight. Again they put me and your dad in separate seats because the flight was full. When asking the flight attendant for assistance, she didn't care. We know it's not her problem, but hey, it's a baby... At least Latam, the flight attendants helped and care, were super helpful.

Well me and your dad were in the middle seat but in different rows. Too tight.

A man sat next to me, and he started answering messages from a possible girlfriend. Meanwhile, your father and I were talking in English at a distance, probably the man thought I was American, and then he started sending messages to his girlfriend without hiding his phone and it was literally written:

"I've just sat down in the armchair, it's going to be a fiasco. There's a child up front kicking the seats and a lady with a baby in her arms." Holy shit.... I know that traveling with a baby is complicated but little did he imagine that I read the message. But after a few minutes he asked if your dad wanted to switch with him. That was really nice of him even more considering he was next to me in the aisle, and he still switched with your dad in the middle seat. Your father and I thanked him and I'm glad we traveled together. But not thanks to the help of the onboard crew, which was much more unfriendly than Latam's.

Well, the trip started to feel like it was one of the most tiring flights I've ever had. First, because I didn't have help from my mother, which I was used to. And every time I tried to give you to your dad, he couldn't find a comfortable position for you to sleep, and you'd end up waking up, consequently crying... So, you stayed with me the entire flight. 9 and a half hours of flight with you sleeping in my arms.

And I couldn't find a comfortable position for myself, I kept holding you with my leg, but there was an hour when my legs were exhausted, it was hurting too much. So I practically couldn't sleep the entire flight, the entire night. The food was meh... I expected a lot more for being American Airlines. But worst of all was the breakfast, we were simply given a plastic bag (never seen that before) with a granola bar and a small COLD - VERY COLD - loaf of bread with a piece of ham. WTF???????????????????? I spent R$13k with our three tickets and this is the food I get??? ok

I hate traveling by plane more and more every day, it's getting worse, more and more exhausting. It feels like we're doing them a favor by flying. I don't know how someone doesn't open competition in every country with the rest of these crappy airlines.

21/06 - Chapter 70: Finally home!

You woke up just before we landed the plane. My little angel, you are a sensational baby. On that flight another woman praised you saying you were very well behaved, and you are!

We landed in Dallas and immigration was the fastest I've ever done. It was a woman this time, very nice, she just took our pictures, didn't ask any questions and we were through in a few SECONDS. We picked up the suitcase, checked it in, and waited for our flight to SD. We boarded the plane, and it was only a two and a half hour flight that went by so quickly. As you didn't sleep the amount of hours you're used to, you were sleepy, so you slept almost that entire flight too. We were worried about this flight because it was during the day, but everything went very smoothly. You woke up about 40 minutes before we landed. We distracted you a little, put on a drawing and arrived, in my home, San Diego.

Camila came to pick us up, left us at the apartment we rented (50 dollars a night was a miracle in the summer in San Diego, a real miracle) and we started our day.

As you can imagine, there wasn't much she could do. We went to Walmart, bought some food and all went to sleep by 9 pm because we were exhausted. And tomorrow, our day will begin.

22/06 - Chapter 71: A breath of fresh air

Yesterday you slept 9 pm, which is equivalent to 1 am in Brazil. And me and your dad also went to sleep at 10 because we were exhausted. Today we all wake up at 7:30 am, equal to 11 am in Brazil. So, even though we're here, we're doing our routine on Brazilian time, mainly because our return trip is 7:30 pm, and I want you to go to sleep. And also, when I go back to Brazil, I don't want your routine to change. So, I think it will work and you won't even feel the time zone difference.

Time here passes very quickly, even waking up early I felt that yesterday time was short. We quickly stopped by the Dolar Tree to see if I could find a beach towel, but we couldn't, and then we went to Camila's house to take the gifts and go for a walk.

When we got there, and you saw her husband, Matt, you started crying a lot. Now it's official: every man you don't know and you, you cry! Woman, no. Man, everyone! I can't understand... now it's getting more and more frequent and worse.

What happens love? Did I give you anything during pregnancy about this? Anyway, we stayed at their house for a while and you met your little friend Luca.

Then we went on a wonderful tour of Coronado, where there were some food trucks. There were so many options that I got lost and didn't know what to choose. I ended up going with the wrong option "Bacon, Cheddar and Ranch Tots". Very big and greasy.

I should have gotten the chicken sandwich. After that I had a fried oreo, and it was wonderful but there were only 3 and I ended up sharing it with everyone else. Result: I spent $7 to eat half a fried oreo muffin. And I felt like eating the Belgian Waffle but it was huge. But let's see if we go back and eat. You know, it was like breathing fresh air. Forget about the third world place I live, and be happy for a few hours. That's all I wanted, to have a place like this to take you for an afternoon stroll in the stroller

(in that stroller and on that stroll you didn't even cry), looking at the sea, or sitting on the sand, or sitting on the grass, around several children. You deserve a better environment daughter. You deserve San Diego.

Then we went back home, I gave you a bath, I didn't feed you dinner and just milk. And you fell asleep around 9pm. Yay.

23/06 - Chapter 72: Happiness is calling

Today we woke up very early again, but then you went to sleep around 10 am again and didn't wake up. I had to go wake you up at 1:30 pm because we wanted to leave. I got annoyed with your father because I saw time pass and we stayed in the apartment even waking up early. I'm always the one who wants to stay at home, resting, but not in San Diego. I feel like it's going to be over soon so I want to enjoy every second. It's complicated for your fun to have an expiration date, it's complicated for something you love so much to have an expiration date, but if you think about it, everything in life has an expiration date.

We left the apartment after 2 pm, and went to Mission Cove, where there was a children's playground. And it didn't disappoint.

It was the nicest thing ever. We stayed on the grass for a while, then on the sand, then on the toys, and then we went for a walk.

23/06 - Chapter 73: Look out world, my baby is on the move!

Today your father went to spend the day at his friends' house, and I went to spend the day at Aunt Camila's house, but first, a big milestone: you crawled today, princess, for the first time. It was fast, but you crawled. I am really happy!

After that big milestone, your dad went one way and I went the other. I met Aunt Camila to wash clothes there, but when I got there she had no water. So we're just talking, enjoying you, Luca, and watching the two of you interact.

Then we went through Coronado, really close to her house. Two mothers walking with their babies. Arriving at the apartment, I went to wash the clothes that I couldn't wash before, there were a lot of clothes.

There were about 8 washing machines, 6 in use and two available, I went to the first one, put the money in and guess what? It was broken. I lost my money... I managed to wash clothes at a lot of cost later on the last machine. It's so nerve wrecking when you lose money that way, even more so in dollars. Especially for WASHING CLOTHES, something everyone does for free in Brazil or even maybe everywhere around the globe?

25/06 - Chapter 74: Burguer Lounge

Today we didn't go to the beach, we went to your father's friends' house. Super nice people, they welcomed us very well, with a super nice house (I confess that I was even a little jealous of the life they have here)... anyway. You didn't cry, which was surprising. I think you liked his 3 friends (two men, one woman). We talked, ate a hot dog and then went to meet Aunt Camila at Uncle Matt's bar.

Arriving there we talked a lot with Matt's mother, Camila's mother-in-law about life in San Diego and how wonderful it is to live here. We stayed there for a while and then we went for a walk with you in Coronado and ate at the Burguer Lounge. The Burguer Lounge for me is the best hamburger I've ever eaten, a pity it's only available in California and I couldn't present it to my parents in Florida. I thought their burger was expensive, but it's actually quite affordable. We will go back there before returning to Brazil. And that was it, a day with friends and a burger lounge.

26/06 - Chapter 75: An extra pair of legs

Today I went shopping to resell in Brazil, ur dad stayed with you 2 hours while I was in Burlington. Then we had a late lunch and left the house, it was after 4pm, we arrived at the beach at 5pm. Pacific Beach. The beach where your dad and I met and had our first date. We were talking on the beach for a long time and I took this picture of our legs. Now, almost exactly 5 years later, he has an extra pair of legs pictured in 2023. Same location, same beach <3

We had ice cream, and the Denny's we ate at closed permanently, unfortunately. Altough your dad doesn't like Denny's...

You looked great in your blue bathing suit, and you LOVE the beach. As soon as you see the beach, your eyes light up and you break into a giant smile. But what sand did you eat yesterday, oh boy.

After that we went to dinner at daddy's friend's house. He made chicken, rice and a delicious sauce, and meanwhile you enjoyed watching cartoons on his giant movie screen.

27/06 - Chapter 76: Poway Park

Today was an amazing day. We decided to go to Poway Park (which is in another city) because I saw a Reel on instagram about the little train there, which is only $2.50, and I thought it would be fun to take you. Arriving there, after driving almost 40 minutes, we discovered that the little train only works on certain days of the weekend, and I didn't check it... However, we had a pleasant surprise in that park. In addition to the city being super different from San Diego in terms of population (much calmer and very rural), it only had seniors, and it was a peaceful park, which made us want to stay there for a long time.

Next to us there were some seniors playing pleasant musical instruments. We stayed there, enjoying each other's presence as a family.

We plan to go back before returning to Brazil, let's see if we can have a possible picnic with Camila and uncle Matt. There, I must say, it is the perfect place for a picnic.

Then I drove another 35 minutes to Del Mar, which surprised me too, what a delicate and beautiful city. In front of the beach, your father and I ate a slice of pizza each. Delicious pizza, very thin and crispy.

Afterwards, we walked to the Powerhouse Park that I wanted to see. The first park we went to was better, but this one was nice too. We saw several squirrels. A wonderful day.

28/06 - Chapter 77: A Safari in Africa might worth way more, even financially

Today I thought it would be one of the best days, but it was one of the hardest days to be honest. We left home early to go on safari. Your father and I spent U$65 - a very expensive ticket - but I thought that sitting in a car, seeing the animals would be ideal than having to walk all day around the zoo (that's why I opted for the safari). But getting there, after entering the park and going straight to the queue for the safari, the woman tells me that only children over 1 year old are allowed.

Argh ... I was pretty discouragedsince the goal was to stay in the car and see the animals. But something worst happened, as we went so early, you started to want to take your morning nap, and what do you need to take a nap? Pacifier. Only your pacifier stayed was left in the car seat. And we couldn't get back in the car because the ticket had already been scanned. So every time you tried to sleep, you couldn't.

I even nursed you, and you fell asleep on my lap but as soon as we put you in the stroller, you woke up, and your pacifier wasn't there to put you to sleep.

So the whole ride was pretty stressful, with you in a bad mood and tired, wanting to sleep and wanting your pacifier. And a stressed baby makes parents stressed. So we weren't having fun. I told your father that I really wanted to go on safari, if we couldn't take turns, and then he and I would go on safari. However, when I got in line to check-in, here's the surprise, they said that for the safari it was necessary to buy the U$90 ticket...

In other words, you pay $65 for a ticket to enter THE SAFARI PARK, plus U$95 to actually go on safari...not counting $20 for parking. WTF???????????????????????????? Well, our only option was the Africa Tram, a car ride in a big place open to all ages....

Nice, but never worth the $65 we spent. Your father and I even said that we had a lot more fun the days before on beaches and free outdoor tours than on the safari we spent thinking it was going to be the best day.

We came back tired and hungry, we didn't want to buy food in the park as it was expensive. So we went to a place that I love for burritos, it's called Valerie's Taco. A very small and even ugly place, but with a wonderful california burrito.

And since it was close to Pacific Beach, we went down to the beach and watched the sunset together. We spent half an hour on the beach, the burrito and the beach were more worth it than the safari.

30/06 - Chapter 78: La Jolla

Yesterday we went to La Jolla Cove close to where your father worked when he lived in San Diego. What a beautiful place, the water is beautiful and above all you swim next to the sea lions, and carefully you can take a photo next to them too. One of my favorite places in SD.