To my daughter Melanie (March, 2023)

 01/03 - Chapter 33: San Diego

Today you, me, you and dad went to get your RG document. It was pretty chill. We carried a glass of breast milk in the bottle with a large ice cube so as not to sour the milk. You got hungry, we gave you the bottle but you didn't like the cold milk at all (just like Mom). Let's see if in the future you like it lol. Then a young lady who worked at the company was very kind and asked her boss to heat it up in the microwave. They warmed up and then you drinked. lol

On the way back, your dad and I were arguing again about where to live. He and everyone else can't understand the love I have for U.S, I can't explain it either. Mostly San Diego. But San Diego, I know how to explain a little bit of why all this love, and I'll tell you now.

I had a very painful breakup, which I'm not ready to tell you yet. The person I was dating, I thought was the love of my life and the one I would be with forever. The pain was huge... And since in 2009 I had my first heartbreak and I ended up getting sick, and it even triggered a very strong depression, I knew that if I stayed home, I would come back and live the same hell that I went through in 2009 - 2010. I looked for an exchange agency and chose San Diego, because when we went on a family trip there, just one day in that place had my heart. And I decided that I wanted to go back. Once there, it was love at second sight. I have never loved a place so much and felt so at home as I did there.

Despite being in pain, I was trying to recover and get back on my feet. San Diego is what kept me sane, it was the place that I made friends from all over the world. I had friends from Arabia, Switzerland, Belgium, France, Germany, anyway... I was sad but happy at the same time!

San Diego has been healing me, and helping me move on from something I didn't think I could move on from. San Diego was my best friend, it hugged me, it was with me through the worst nights, it made me mature, it made me grow, it taught me what it was like to live alone, what it was like to pay your own bills, what it was like to work hard, earn money after many hours of work, but still feeling happy.

In San Diego I learned in one year what I didn't learn for many years in Brazil.

The truth is that San Diego was the best consolation I could have. Even though I didn't feel completely healed, it eased every day a little bit of the pain I carried in my heart. San Diego made me meet your father.

After I met your dad, day after day he was helping me overcome something that even he didn't know he was helping. Your dad was the icing on the cake of that paradise. Though I still feel hurt and heartbroken after meeting him, he helped me in ways he will never understand. So, I love this place for everything it meant to me, for everything it taught me, showed me, made me grow. For everything he has given me,including you.

I hope one day your dad can understand why I so want to go back and live there. It seems I left my heart in that place,at least until you were born, because now, my heart is all yours. Still, how can I forget a place that embrace me when I was screaming for help inside me? A place that gave me a tough love in order to me to grow up and become who I am today? A place where my heart beat next to each wave of the sea. A place that introduced me to your father, one of the best people I've ever known. A place that was destined to steal some of my pain, and also present me with the most beautiful gift anyone could receive. You. In a way, you came from San Diego. San Diego, it's you! And if it wasn't there, I would never have you.

San Diego was home to a pain that turned into the greatest love! But no one understands and no one ever will, except, maybe, you.

I've been fighting and finding ways to get back there, but with each step I take, it seems I age 10 years. It's hard to fight alone. It is difficult to persist in a dream. It's hard... Sometimes I think about giving up, letting everything go and staying here.

But then I look at your face and I think that you deserve something so much better than that, you deserve something so much better than Brazil and its corruption, dirty judges, and a country dominated by thugs and drug trafficking, then all my strength comes back and the desire to keep fighting for my dream and for your future comes back! But I don't know until when. I'm tired, daughter. I'm really, really tired and this situation it's affecting me, very bad.

 02/03 - Chapter 34: Is it opening a franchise a good idea?

Today me and your father had a small meeting with a company specialized in finding franchises for you to invest in the USA. We found the value fair and I will pay to analyze the deductibles, I am trying to take the first steps.

Sometimes I'm happy and hopeful, sometimes I think I'm going crazy and get discouraged. I feel so lost.

 03/03 - Chapter 35: Blood tie don't always bind us

Today grandma and I went to Brás to buy clothes for me. I had almost no nice clothes and since my birthday is next week, grandma Simone said I could choose R$500 in clothes. So we went with Aunt Cuca. You stayed with ur dad, and Rafinha, your cousin, stayed with grandpa. Turns out, my mom didn't tell Tayna that Rafinha would stay with grandpa and when we were close to going back, she "found out" and got very angry. Your aunt is often an ungrateful bitch. Your grandparents take very good care of your cousin, he has slept here several times, stayed here for hours for her to go to parties and have fun, and she doesn't appreciate it. I've never seen a person so ungrateful as your aunt. Then when we were close to home, she called again to scream and say a lot of nonsense to my mother, like:

"I will never leave Rafinha with you again" and things like that. It's so annoying. And on the way back, the road was closed, we had to take another long journey to get home. As soon as I arrived, after a few hours I received a message from your aunt saying:

"Hi, unfortunately I decided to put Larissa - your sister-in-law - as godmother because she takes care of my son every day and you don't show interest in your nephew." Damn, I was pissed. Not because she put Larissa as godmother, because I think Larissa deserves a lot. But it is difficult to compete with a person who lives in her house, and is her nanny, which she is paid for it and also does not have children of her own to raise.She doesn't think I had a baby almost at the same time as her. I can't pay attention like Larissa, look at her, and live with them. But anyway, I wasn't sad or angry about it, because she really deserves to be the godmother. But to say that I don't pay attention and I don't show interest in my nephew when she doesn't even know you exist??????? It's a lot of audacity and hypocrisy. I pay MUCH more attention to my nephew than she does to you and yet I never said anything to her. And she doesn't know about my interaction with my nephew because she is NEVER around, she just leaves him here at my parents house and walks away. How could she know about my interaction with him? Me and your dad on the other hand are ALWAYS where you are, and we can assure you that her interaction with you is next to none. A lot of hypocrisy on her part.

But anyway, it took a weight off my shoulders, because just as Rafinha deserves a godmother who is more present, so are you, and she is definitely not present. I really wanted to get my cousin Giovanna to be your godmother, but the truth is, I don't even know if I'm going to baptize you, or when, or where. I didn't even say anything, because it would sound like a joke if I said that she wouldn't be hers either, I will let her know if I baptize you later.

After the message I got upset and it ruined my night, but still me and ur dad went to meet Matheus & Marcela at a hamburger place. We chatted for a few hours and then came back. You stayed with ur grandpa and grandma. And a few hours without you, I already miss you so much. I arrived late, we gave you a bath and before bed I decided to remove your aunt Tayna from your instagram.

It may seem childish, but the less contact and closeness I have with her, the better. Less chance of fights, of me being sad or down. Unfortunately, my sister only thinks about her, her husband and their toxic relationship. And the fuel of her life is fight, trouble and finding someone she can have an argument with.

I'm tired and I don't need this. She is one of the great reasons for also pushing me to want to leave the country so quickly.

To be honest with you , babe, my sister and I were never friends. We are sisters, but not friends. She always stood up for the ones she loves, always ready for a fight to defend someone in the family, but she also hurts the people she loves and fights in an urreal way. It's like she has two sides to her heart,a good one and a bad one, and the bad one often ends up shadowing the good side of her heart.

We always fought and we never managed to understand each other properly, although several times she came out in my defense of many things. But we never managed to talk, live together and be friends. And I hope that if you have a brother/sister, it can be different. This case of ours has nothing to do with "raising", because my parents raised us very well and always tried everything for her and I to get along, but there was no way. I hope I'm luckier than my parents if I ever get pregnant again. I really hope that you can have someone to count on your whole life.

I miss that, having a brother, a companion sister. Deep down, I feel like I was an only child, because I never had that BOND between siblings with her. I think that's why, in the past, I considered Roberta as a sister. (Someone I won't mention and tell the story right now).

My sister's problem is that nothing is ever enough for her. My parents have already given so much to her, but it seems to have no end. And on top of that, she's ungrateful. She doesn't know what it's like to work, fight for money and personal things. And she usually comes to you when she needs something, because if she didn't, you might not hear from her for a while. But yeah she destroyed my night by saying I don't care about my nephew because it's not true. There was on day that she made me cry so bad that I couldn't breathe and I went straight to the hospital.

I don’t deserve being anxious because of her. I don’t deserve this behavior. I never did.

I can’t help a person that wants to be the best and have better things, but without actually working hard for them. She just wants them to be handed out to her. It’s not how life works.

I will try to offer you a great life, but I will not make the same mistakes as my parents, I will also teach you the value of things and how to fight for them. Try to find a balance.

The problem is that my mother does not accept it when others say negative things about their daughters. I understand that she is her daughter, but she is wrong about many things and does not want to hear and understand most of them. I hope as a mother I can understand that my children have flaws and can help them with that, and not pretend those flaws don't exist. Because that actually doesn't help. Blood ties don’t always guarantee harmonious relationships, and it can be a very hard pill to swallow that those we grow up with and live with every day are not compatible with us.

 04/03 - Chapter 36: Decio's family

Today Decio's family came to dinner at home and met you for the first time. It was a very pleasant night. They gave you many gifts and were very affectionate with you. His whole family came.

My mother exaggerated and calculated 4 slices of pizza per person and ended up ordering 7 pizzas. Calculated wrong, she calculated a whole pizza for two people. Result? She had a lot of pizza left over and spent money unnecessarily.

She had to freeze pizza (over 500 reais worth of pizza lol). My father commented to my mother (sad, because of my sister's situation) that Decio's family is very close. Where one goes, they all go. Not counting even trips, everyone travels together. Very united family, something that to my father's, unfortunately, didn’t achieve.

 05. 06, 07, 08/03 - Chapter 37: Not here, not again depression

These days I haven't been writing much babe, because the pressure I'm feeling with all this moving idea is bringing me anxiety and depression back. I struggled with severe depression in 2009, and I never want to feel what I felt back then. I had some tough times afterwards, but nothing compared to that. But to feel it is horrible. You feel like your body is a jelly, you have no physical and emotional strength. It starts like this: feeling like a huge hole in the chest, an emptiness... And anxiety, a lot of anxiety. Very strong drowsiness, wanting to stay in bed, and the body goes all soft. Again, like a jelly. I will do everything not to fall into that hole, because now I have you to take care of. But all this desperately wanting to get out of here and give you a better life and not having support for it is killing me.

Your dad and I have been having some arguments lately. He wants me to try a period of time in Europe. But apart from the fact that I know Europe is not for me, things are more complicated than that. I told him that if I go there, and I don't like it, there's a chance tht he doesn't want me to go back with you, and then a custody fight will break out. But then the judgment will not take place in Brazil, but in Europe, which gives me a big disadvantage. At first he was upset that I was thinking about these things, but once you're a mother, you have to think about everything.

Your dad and I aren't actually together, which makes things even more complicated. Assuming I go to Europe and stay for a while... In the meantime he even meets someone. I want to go back regardless, because I'm not happy... I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't be with you every day. Even less, any stepmother living with you...

When I told him that I think the mother has more rights than the father, and that a mother's love is different, the discussion became very heated and he was extremely hurted. I understand that he is the father, but I can't apologize for something that I really think.

10/03 - Chapter 39: Giovanna, the nanny!

Your father wanted to take me to dinner, but with you it would be a little complicated because someone still needs to hold you. I called my cousin Giovanna and she ran to stay with you and took good care of you she was your babysitter for about 2 hours while your father and I went to eat pizza at Mr. Texas, which is an excellent pizzeria, the pizza is delicious, but 100 reais for a pizza is a bit exaggerated, isn't it?

11/03 - Chapter 40: A surprise party that was not that surprising and how to fail a friend

Mom turns 30 today. And I'm sure I'll have a surprise party. We left the apartment around 3:00 pm and arrived at my parents' house at around 4:00 pm. From there, my dad said we were going to stop by my sister because something happened to my cake.

Getting there, I was right, the "surprise party". My parents really tried but what gave it away was my dad's email with the crepe confirmation. But that's okay, I was very happy with the little party they prepared with so much love for me. My mother hired the crepe buffet that I love so much. It was all really cool.

I missed Karina tho. I was actually pretty sad when I saw that she wasn't there. The problem with Karina is, it seems that if my other friend, Rafaela, can't go, she gives up going too.

Look at this pic... That was the level of siliness that came out when we were together. We were inseparable and Rafaela hasn't even in the picture yet. The problem is that a little before the second semester of school, Marcelo and I broke up at the time,

and I simply couldn't study at the same school, much less in the same classroom as him. Me and Karina even tried to keep the friendship the same for a while, but there's no way, things change! And when I left school, she got closer to Rafaela.

Karina and I used the nickname "bé" for each other, short for "best" but we added the accent to make it more "Brazilian way". And after a while after I left school, she and Rafaela started to call each other that... I was too upset. But, what can I do, right?

I think it's important to tell u that, at least in my life, no one was replaceable. Each person had their phase and their importance. I suffered a lot seeing people leave my life without looking back. But each one of them, I had a different friendship,experience, and love.

Wanting to replace someone is silly, because we are all different and the stories we live with each one that goes through our lives are different. So if I call a person with an unique nickname, stick it only with that person, wether a friend, a lover... In any kind of relationships, we have something call "our thing". It's you and that person thing. Don't use it on anybody else. It's just disrespecful. Create new memories, new nicknames, etc.

15/03 - Chapter 41: Some battles are not worthing fighting

Yesterday we went to the pizzeria to celebrate your cousin Giovanna's birthday, which was on the 13th. I invited Karina and thought it best to leave that subject behind. Arguing with someone bc they didn't wished you a happy birthday is fair... but there comes a time in your life when you don't want any more arguments and just want to keep the few friendships you've managed to keep.

Karina said she got sick, in bed (sounds like Bete) but that doesn't explain why she couldn't send me a message. But I just thought it best to let it go. It's better to eat pizza, have fun and chat than to be distressed by things that are out of your control.

We had a really nice night. Women's night.

16/03 - Chapter 42: Tic tac bomb

Today we had a meeting with a company that is looking for franchises for me and your father to try to open in the US. One of the franchises was the Le Macaron (store that your father worked when we met). I was excited. But then I got discouraged... There's so much bureaucracy, so much money involved, so much math, so much risk... If I take a risk and lose everything, I won't even have a place to live with you going back to Brazil if things go wrong. Each day that passes I feel a greater emptiness in my heart and a despair that takes over every part of my body for not being able to live where I want with you. I feel useless... Useless. And dumb.

And I think everyone is right,I don't know how to manage a business and I don't have the capacity for it. Time passes, ur dad is here and I can't even pay attention to him or try to work on our possible - or not - relationship bc I'm so focused on getting you out of here. But I feel in my heart that until I solve this, my life will not move forward. I need to sort this out in order to focus on other areas of my life. I need to give you a good life. I need to provide you with a safe and better place and a place where we can be happier. And with that, with all this worry, all this struggle, all this madness of trying to find a way to live where I think is ideal, I'm leaving important things behind. But I can't focus. I'm really struggling. I feel like a tic tac bomb.

16/03 - Chapter 43: Happy 5 Aurora / You can't put a price in memories

Hey, my love. Today you turned 5 months old. For 5 months you've been making me the happiest mom in the world.

Yesterday, we came definitely to the apartment to stay here, me, you and dad,

I know it won't be easy without the help of grandpa, grandma and that big house, but we'll manage! Here in the apartment, you didn't find the atmosphere strange and you slept for almost 12 hours. I never tire of repeating that you are an angel.

In the afternoon we your their beautiful little party. And on your 5th birthday, you (and I) were dressed as Princess Aurora.

Every month I make a big effort to throw a beautiful party for you. I know it's money and a party that for many is unnecessary - I thought that too before you were born - but I do it for the memories. I really like photos and videos, and I want you to have memories of everything you've experienced. My parents always made home family videos - until we were at least 15 years old (more often in childhood), then they stopped, and it is beautiful and great memories. We watch passionate the videos, seeing stories we don't remember, but time proving that we lived them. Seeing dear people who are no longer here today and others who still are. Seeing how people change physically over the years and feeling nostalgic for what once happened. Home videos are beautiful memories, and I'll work to give you that experience too. Just like your photos you can find on google drive, but mainly in photo albums that I bought and glue photo by photo with affection.

In a world where social networking and the internet these days dominate, important things are forgotten. Memories are important and that's why I make videos, buy albums, throw parties and write in ur diary. They are gifts I can give you and hopefully you will take with you.

Your little party was beautiful once again. Next month for the first time we won't throw it on the 19th but a few days earlier because on the 17th we'll be flying to Orlando (and hopefully we'll survive the plane, and you can read this in the future).

The cake was Red Velvet, it was delicious. But after the party you were exhausted, super tired. I gave you a bath and put you to sleep. But tonight you didn't sleep very well, you kept waking up complaining. When you woke up a few times, u were lying on your stomach with your face in the sheet. I got scared. Now I can't sleep peacefully thinking you'll roll over and run out of air if you put your face against the mattress.

22/03 - Chapter 44: Your first fever

Today you had your other two doses of the meningitis vaccine. For the first time I stayed by your side, but it broke my heart to see you cry. But soon we managed to distract you. Later Grandma came to pick you up to walk with you while I had a meeting with a company to find out about the EB3 visa. Your grandma was gone with you for about 3 hours and then she brought you back.

Today was a chill day with me and your dad. I hope we have more days like this. We were able to enjoy each other's presence. And we already missed you. When you arrived, your father said that he thought your temperature was high, that you had a fever. And he was right. You were on fire. My poor little princess. It was a vaccine reaction :(

And we didn't have a thermometer here, so your grandma went to the pharmacy and brought it for us, and I used a cold compress on your forehead and gave you medicine. In the middle of the night you were still warm and I gave you another dose of medicine, and then you didn't have a fever anymore. You complained and whined a little during the night, but slept very well considering your fever.

23/03 - Chapter 45: Trying a franchise can be the first step

Today I received an email from Le Macaron, the store where his father worked in San Diego, to arrange a call with me and your father to discuss the possibility of opening a franchise. We set the meeting for tomorrow, so wish me luck Mel. In the afternoon we went to the supermarket to do shop for some groceries and we carried you in the baby holder, it was nice to go for a walk with you, leave the house, but it was tiring. My back is hurting too much. And you're already feeling better. Thank god.

24/03 - Chapter 46: Couple's therapy & The world is going mad

Today your dad and I got off on the wrong foot... Again! I vented to my mother and we will have to spend money on couples therapy. It's working for my sister and her husband. Let's see if it works for us too, or if we decide to follow different paths but always loving you and putting you as a priority. I think it will be a worthwhile investment.

I'll tell you throughout the week. My father will pay half, but I feel so bad...

My father earns very well, babe, but he spends so much money on us, his family and our needs that he barely has money left for him. And I'm really sad and upset about that. It's like our whole life we've only spent his money.

I asked your father to talk to his parents to see if they would help my father pay for half of the therapy, because unlike Rafael, your aunt's husband, THEY HAVE MONEY, and a lot, so they could help their son too, but your father said they won't help. GREAT! And as always, everything will be up to your maternal grandfather. But in life we can't expect anything from people right? Each one gives what they want... And life goes on. I need to try not to take it personally. And I'm never going to say anything because I know how much it would hurt your dad, so I just keep quiet, and I keep accumulating, and trying to get it into my head that we can't expect anything from others, we have to do it ourselves. It's important for me and your father, so I will make another effort and 'invest' money on that. And accept my dad's contribution... once again.

Your grandma came to pick you up today while your father and I attended the meeting with the Le Macaron franchise. He asked the tough questions, but it seems like it's a very difficult thing for us to accomplish without a third party support.

I think our only and last hope of moving to America is if his boss wants to open another franchise with us. That is, our life depends on someone else's decision, and most likely it will not work out. Your father doesn't even know if he's going to try to contact him.

My chest is bursting with anxiety again not knowing what to do, and where to take you. Babe, I am failing you.

But if, after the couple's therapy, your father and I decide to follow a different path, and he returns to Barcelona, I will try another way to live with you in the USA, which is not an investment visa (I can't open a business alone, without your father, I could only do it together, but if he doesn't want it, the E2 visa is gone), but then I'll find another way. I promise you.

I just wanted to find a way... Then my life would be more peaceful and my anxiety would disappear. Mel, even if we move to the US, don't think that everything will be wonderful. The US was once good, but lately it can't be considered the best country to live in - despite my heart beating for the country.

In fact, it is quite difficult to find a place that is good to live. I don't think there is a perfect place, but the challenge of finding one that is ideal is huge. The world is upside down.

Today, wokeness is dominating everything. You can't say anything, you can't make jokes, you can't put customes, everything is offensive, everything is cultural appropriation, everything is scandalized, people are being cancelled, it's all crazy. And in my day it was very different. It's impossible to escape the 'wokeness', unless you go to a Muslim country (although your grandfather is Moroccan, we're not going to a Muslim country, right? It doesn't have to be 8, or 80, again).

25/03 - Chapter 47: Wokeness & BE A CHILD!

Yesterday I mentioned the "woke" term. Let's talk a little bit about the term "woke". Merriam-Webster defines the word as: “Aware of and actively attentive to facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice).”

The term today is usually used to claim that woke people are policing others actions and words, generally in response to backlash someone else has received for their words or actions. Wokeness is dividing pretty much all the countries in the world. Let's give some examples.

There are some classic Disney cartoons, whose main characters are white, like Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora... Other red-haired characters, such as Ariel and Valente. Other black characters, like Tiana. Other characters from other origins like Mulan and Pocahontas.

All of us from my generation who grew up watching these cartoons already knew what each of these characters looked like, and now, from time to time, they are changing the physical appearance old characters to fit an agenda (I can even say it would be a political agenda?) Ariel, for example. They put a black-skinned Ariel, not a redhead as it was always portrayed. If you google ARIEL or "Little Mermaid", you'll see what the cartoon Ariel looked like. So, a lot of people didn't like the new Ariel simply because she didn't look like the one in the cartoon or similar to the one we've always known.. Same thing in a book. It's very frustrating when you're reading a book that portrays the character as "brunette, with black eyes" and they put a redhead with green eyes to portray the same character. It's frustrating because of how involved we get with the character in the story. nd all those who didn't like the choice are already labeled as racists. I assure u that there are many racists and many who were upset with the actress's choice because of racism, but I can also assure you that the majority who were disappointed was not because of racism, but because of Ariel's attachment to the drawing and her physical characteristics. The "woke" person already judges and says that the other is racist, in this case.

Now, imagine the character Tiana, from Princess and the Frog, if they put a white girl to play the role of Tiana? It would be a scandal, and I can't understand it. Instead of changing the physical appearance of the cartoons that the company itself (Disney in this case) created several decades ago, why don't they make more inclusive characters in new cartoons?

There are Disney classics like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White... but many later, with new generations, they came to take up space in children's hearts and become a phenomenon like: Lilo & Stitch (Lilo is one of my characters favourites, a more than cute Hawaiian child, and in the Portuguese dub, it has one of the sweetest voices of all the cartoons), Monsters INC, Frozen, Brave, The Princess and the Frog... All these cartoons were made after the classics, and they continued to be successful. Why don't they start inserting and releasing new designs with the inclusion of new characters instead of changing those that have been released for so long? I can not understand. And there are other issues like: abortion, transsexuals, neutral pronouns, and other matters that are dividing the world. Daughter, I don't know, all I want for you is that you have a beautiful childhood, play, have fun, respect others, be kind. I don't want you to think about politics,sexualization and adult issues. You will have plenty of time.

I will always love you regardless of what you want to be and what career you follow, but live each stage of your life and don't want to skip any step. Be a child. Be a teenager. Don't try to anticipate anything. Take it easy. Don't jump or skip life phases.

27/03 - Chapter 48: Priorities & Not too much of an European girl

I spoke with an immigration lawyer and learned that I am able to apply for an EB3-NIWD visa (something like that) but that because of my area of profession it would not be so easy to get it, and it is a more expensive process (not so expensive same as E2, obviously). And the lawyer also said that if I choose to do a master's degree, I can study and work.

Well... I can't keep making plans to go to the US if your dad doesn't want to. Despite being my dream, you have always been my biggest dream and your needs will come before mine.

It's very difficult for me to give up something I love and want so much, but I need to prioritize your life with your father. But my heart is aching, I'm sad. But it will pass, I know that I will live beautiful moments with you that will replace some of that frustration.

But love, I don't want, I don't want to live with you in Brazil, you deserve better. But neither can I go and live in Europe knowing (because I know myself) that I will be unhappy in a place I never liked. If it's to be unhappy, I prefer it to be at least around the people I love. But then, the risk of violence for you is greater.

However, if I live and am unhappy in Europe, my mental illness, the depression, will come with everything, and if I am not happy, how can I make you happy? Do you understand how my head is? How is my heart and how is my soul? I want to cry, I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, I will choose the relationship with your father over the USA. And if we are really going to stay in Brazil, I don't know how I will pay for your studies, a private school... Your father put me in a delicate situation =( But just as I don't want to live in Europe, he also has the right not to want to live in the US, right?

30/03 - Chapter 49: Alfajor & Keeping photographs are keeping memories alive

Today was a VERY busy day. We woke up, we went to get the suitcase from the US that arrived at Camila's mother's house and then I took you to the company that mom works to meet the people there. I thought I was going to need your father's help with the luggage but I ended up not needing it and he ended up going for nothing. Sometimes I don't think straight and I end up f*cking up... We arrived almost at the end of the day and we had to run with everything because at night we were going to receive a visit from my cousin Letícia and her husband.

I started to clean the house, your father cooked and I'm glad your grandma went to help us a little. It was a rush and several things went wrong. For example, I was going to make rice with almonds (that I love) and when I went to look, there was no rice...

Then we found out that Letícia didn't eat loin (the dish we were making) so we had to urgently think about what to do... I don't know, we felt that we could have done better you know?

When they arrived they even brought a present. A huge basket with chocolates, dulce de leche from Havana. THERE WAS ALFAJORES INSIDE. "Alfajor" is one of my favorite sweets. Note: Alfajores are quite famous in South America, but they actually originated in Spain.

I love alfajor! I love! One of my favorites in Brazil is the Alfajor from Turma da Mônica. I ate a lot as a kid and I LOVED it. After a while I never found it again... There was a day when mom was very sad, down, having bad days, and I remember that my boyfriend at the time (it wasn't dad) looked in several stores and arrived with the surprise of SEVERAL alfajores from Turma da Mônica. I was so happy. Since childhood I have not eaten. I had the picture of the amount of alfajores he gave me but I can't find it. Maybe I deleted? Doesn't sound like me because I always save and keep things that were important/meaningful in my life and I don't delete it.

One day, I even had an argument with that same boyfriend. He didn't like that I had pictures with my first boyfriend (when I was 15) and with some guys who were friends (and a little more than friends). I - and you will realize throughout my life babe - keep pics of everything, and every moment of my life. Some things were important, today they are no longer, people who were but are not in my life anymore, but even so, I keep pics and I see no reason to delete them.

I will look fondly at each photo and remember moments that are gone. Only that. So he wanted me to delete it but I DID NOT. They didn't mean what he thought they meant. They were just moments I didn't want to forget completely. Every photo is important to me. Photographs play an important role in our lives – they connect us to our past, they remind us of people, places, feelings, and stories. Preserving memories through photography allows you to look back on your life and recall its most special moments. Don't delete them. Save them. If one day you break up a relationship, save in a hidden folder but don't delete it. Believe me, one day when you're 30 you're gonna look at your 15 years old boyfriend and you'll just remind of a different time and smile. Or friends that are no longer your friends but were once special... Everyone were once part of your life. You might delete them from your present but that doesn't erase the fact that they were part of your past, therefore, part of your life!

As for your father, he was never bothered by it and he knows how much photos and videos matter to me. After all, he watches the home videos from when I was a kid and he knows it was something I was raised with, just like pictures.

But back to alfajor, sometimes people surprise you with things that fill your heart with happiness. Like the sweet that I still remember from MOCINHA, which was a liquid chocolate.

Since I was a child I never ate it because I couldn't find it, but I think this one really doesn't exist anymore. One of the most frustrating things is that when you like something and the market stops making/producing. Like a chocolate, or a perfume.