To my daughter Melanie (January, 2023)

 18/01 - Chapter 1: Introduction

Hello, my daughter. This is my diary to you. Luckily nowadays I can type because if I had to write I probably wouldn’t do it everyday since you’re just a baby and pretty much all my time is dedicated to you. By reading a book my mom gave me I found about the Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and I’m freaking out. You are almost 3 months and so far you were sleeping with blanket everyday. Not only blankets to cover you but blankets around you like a crib protector. Now I just spent tons of money on baby racks for you, but it’s going to take a while so hopefully you can hang in there with just your bear rack for now. You’re growing beautifully and healthy. Now that you’ll turn 3 months tomorrow you’re smiling A LOT and started to giggle, but only to your grandma! You’re also kicking a lot, moving your limbs like crazy and refusing to be laying down. When you’re awake now you want to be seated otherwise you complain - a lot. My baby is growing! Btw I still breastfeed you 90% of my time. But I’m glad I’m keeping my milk.

=

 19/01 - Chapter 2: 3 months Melanie - Getting to know daddy again

Today was your 3 months anniversary, my love. We were dressing as Snow White. But most important, your father came back for you! And just to be at your party! In the beginning you were interacting and smiling at him. My mom after arrived to help me with the party, and while she was finishing decorating the party saloon, I went to pick up the food and the cake and your dad was with you. After a while he call me in complete desperation because you were crying your eyes out. Literally screaming. And he didn’t know what to do. You didn’t even want to grab the bottle. When that’s the case, it’s usually colic. Well, I called grandma to go upstairs ASAP and help me and later we figured out it was not colic. You were just uncomfortable not being around with someone you know - we presume - hopefully you’ll get used to him. Give him a chance again and let he in. I did, so can you. My mom in the end calmed you down but you were sobbing uncontrollably. After that I arrived and the party was very cute! Here a few pics. Happy 3 months my love! After the party was our first time sleeping in the apartment after a while. You slept in the stroller but you seem uncomfortable! Let’s take to account that you were slipping for a long time in your grandparents house in a massive crib and with your arms completely open. Now in the stroller you can’t do it. But don’t worry. The super hero of your grandpa found a way to put the massive crib in our tiny little room. You’ll be fine and you’ll be able to sleep with your open arms again lol. You slept around 23:40 and woke up around 5:30. Not perfect as always but still pretty good! You sleep everyday 12:30 and I wake you up 7:30. Then you sleep again at 8 and wake around 10 - 12. Amazing huh?

 20/01 - Chapter 3: Vaccine - Kedy's return - Respecting other people's opinion

Good morning love! Today you’ll have the meningitis vaccine! I don’t have courage to enter the room with you and for that I’m really sorry bc I know you need me. But I can’t stand to see you suffer (or in pain) even if it’s for a few seconds. But I’ll be outside waiting to grab you! I know today it’s gonna be hard but you got this. Hopefully you’ll be way braver than I am when the subject is needles.  We took you to have your meningitis vaccine and I took the Pikluk to help with pain (google what is Pikluk - idn if google still exists but probably) and it did help. Your daddy said you cried just 5 seconds! Yeah, this time daddy and grandma went with you. Mommy still doesn’t have courage enough. And guess what? You were good ALL DAY! It didn’t even look that you were vaccinated. I’m so proud of you. Hopefully you won’t fear needles like mommy. You’re way stronger than me! One friend from my childhood came to visit you for the first time today. Karina, more known as Kedy. There’s bunch of old pics of her and mommy on google drive. We had bad blood but now is all good. Bebesita… politics here is really bad. Lula (a thief, very bad person) was suspiciously re-elect and because of that I’m planning to leave the country with you still this year. But I wanna tell you something important that is lacking in this new world: Please respect other peoples opinion. They will be different than yours and it’s ok. People has different education, they live in different places, have different parents, different cultures, different way of thinking, different difficulties. Although mommy don’t like Lula, for instance,I don’t wish harm to anyone who voted for him. I don’t get it, but I have to respect. Mommy has a friend who voted for him, titia Girleide, and I love her! I don’t agree with her political views, so we just avoid talking about it o it’s very important that you respect other peoples point of view. Not only for politics but for everything. Hopefully you’ll have the chance to go to new places and know new culture, it’s different everywhere, just try to respect. As much as you don’t understand sometimes, keep in mind that life is just different for everyone. If you learn to respect people and still be true to your character and ideals, you’ll be a great human being. The world is sick, my love. People are wishing death to other people just bc they have a different political opinion. People are really wishing harm to others. It’s insane the amount of hate I see it everyday on social media and bc of that I decided to use my Twitter less and focus more in your Twitter. My heart is not full of hate. I don’t wish people harm and I get sick to my stomach to see what people have become. I hope I can raise you better than that. I hope you change the world for better, bc the world right now is a dark place. But you make this world a better place; you’re a way of sun, that’s why I always sing to you: “you’re my sunshine”. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT let the world turn off your light. Be truth to yourself. Be good. DO good. Let the hate go. Life goes way to fast. I love you. I hope the world it’s better when you’re able to read those stuff and not worse; but I really have my doubts. But is it possible the get worse? Let’s hope not. I hope you can teach people respect and love. I love you so much.

 21/01 - Chapter 4: Little pool

Today was a peaceful day. I set up your little pool and filled with warm water, you really enjoyed. What I truly want is for you to enjoy your childhood, I can guarantee is the best time of our lives. One day, you'll wish to be a kid again, believe me. And if it's up to me, you'll play a lot, with toys, with mom, and you won't be wasting a lot of time with television, tablets or any type of screens. Obviously, I'm not going to ban it, but I'm going to find the right balance between these things. Don't worry, we'll be watching a lot of Disney movies together, but we'll also play a lot. Playing outside with people, cousins, kids, it's one of the best things, believe me. I had a perfect childhood with friends and with my cousins. I have so many things to say and many advices to give and I'm not even 30. But I went through a lot and I have a lot to keep up with you. Hopefully I will have the chance to tell all my stories in person, but who knows, life is unpredictable.

Our first day at the pool

 22/01 - Chapter 5: Toxic relationships - You deserve LOVE!

Today was also a pool day, but not for you. Cuca’s family were here and you slept pretty much the whole day. The only highlights of the day was you puking A LOT and Tayna and Rafael fight (again). Your grandparents are right now talking to both of them but to be honest Mel, I think their relationship is going to end very bad and I feel sorry for your cousin, Rafinha and for my parents. I fear that the worst might happen. It really felt like when your aunt gave birth things were finally getting better but for a while now it’s really bad again. I hope they can manage to figure things out even if is separately. My love, PLEASE, don’t do ever be in a toxic relationship. And it’s important to say that I don’t use this world lightly. A lot of people use it lightly and label relationship “toxic” when it really isn’t. When I mean toxic, it’s really toxic. Such as: don’t EVER be in a relationship where respect doesn’t exist. Don’t ever hurt someone physically or with words. It’s unacceptable. Don’t humiliate. A little bit of jealousy is fine, too much is concerning and not healthy. If you ever see yourself in one of those situations. RUN. Keep in mind that LOVE and RESPECT are way more important than passion, desire and lust. If you can have love and passion together, great, if you can’t, ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE! I have so much to say about that… hopefully I will be able to do in person but who the hell knows. Either way, it’s a serious talk and I will cover that with time here, but for now just keep in mind: always choose love over passion and don’t be with someone who make you feel bad in any way - or you make someone feel bad. Love is not that. Love doesn’t hurt, love is not lust, love is respect, love is butterflies in your stomach, love is what the word is: love. But I will cover this up along the way, is a very wide subject and I have to be very careful with that. Maybe is too early.. but yeah, keep those things in mind for now. Healthy relationship always. I love you.

 24/01 - Chapter 6: Officialy French - Mix of culture - Tips of romantic movies

Hello my petit française. Guess what? Today we went to take your French passport. YAY. One more step - hopefully - to get out of Brazil. Now you have 2 citizenship already, it’s just missing the Italian passport arrive to have 3. But since we’re talking about that, you could have 3 more, resulting in a total of 6 citizenship.

Your grandma (my mom) is Portuguese, your dad’s mom is Belgian and his dad is Marroccan. So yeah, you could definitely be a CIA agent. Think about.

Imagine if you have born in USA like I wanted, you would have SEVEN citizenship. Geez, that’s too much.

But anyways I think you’re gonna stick with the Brazilian, French and Italian ones. I’m not close to your grandparents to ask them that. Yesterday waiting for the passport meeting you pooped… and it leaked. Leaked everything in my dress! It was a messy situation. The blue Huggies diapers are so bad. People were right. It leak. Very bad diaper. It’s a no no for me.

When we came back we took a book together. Was simply amazing. You were holding on to me and very tight.

Then you wake up and pretty much all the rest of the day was about you puking and we changing at least 4 clothes. You have reflux, my baby. Since day 1. And it’s very very bad. VERY bad. But the pediatrician says there’s nothing to do. The only alternative is to introduce formula because the milk is thicker to help with the reflux. But she said my breast milk is going really well so she wouldn’t do it and I won’t. I will handle changing and washing shirts and have puke all over me - and my hair - as long as I can breastfeed you.

But yeah, the puking so far is the most challenging thing. I will try to set an appointment with an specialist. The other thing that also happened was your godmother… AGAIN! Apparently grandpa’s advice for her and uncle Rafael to be a part for a while didn’t work not even 24 hours… they have just a horrible relationship and a weird obsession about each other. They think it’s normal but it’s not. Again, I hope one day you find someone who treats you right. There’s nothing wrong in be like me and dream about a Prince Charming and a happily ever after. Wrong is being in a relationship with physical and verbal abuse. Just keep in mind that real world is different than fiction. So you can dream as long as you know separate fiction from reality and have reasonable expectations. Don’t try to find the perfect person. It doesn’t exist. And it’s worth to mention that being in a movie love story not only is unrealistic but just in case you do - which is highly unlike but not impossible - it’s like winning the lottery, so appreciate it and don’t take it for granted. BTW a few favorites movies of mommy’s (romantic ones) - The notebook (classic) - A walk to remember - If only (Underestimate. Not a lot of people know this movie but it’s amazing) - He’s not that into you

Coming back to your godmother.. I think something really bad will happen to them or both of them. I just hope there’s a God somewhere and protects your cousin, Rafinha. No kid should go through that. They put as priority each other and not their son. Rafinha is such an amazing kid but he’s already going through some stuff. He yells way to much for a 8 months baby, he can’t sleep properly and my sister think has nothing to do with the environment. Innocent . . .

When you finally have your baby and discover the biggest love in the world, always put your kid as a priority. Not even your parents. YOUR KID. And of course you can love your husband, but it can’t even compare to a mother’s love. That’s what my sister didn’t understand yet.

 25/01 Chapter 7: Enjoying a family day

We spend a very nice family day outside! Made grandpa very happy and you and your cousin had the chance to be together for a while.

=

Apparently your godmother and Rafael are ok again and it’s so unreal… It’s like nothing has ever happened. Bizarre. I’ve asked your grandfather to check the miles so we can go to Orlando but he went to bed way to early. Let’s see if I can accomplish this today. And I was very split between to go or not to go to Caragua tomorrow with my parents. At the same time I want to take you to the beach, have a little fun and get out of the house I have my concerns if it’s the best thing for you. You’re still so tiny. Mosquitos for instance.

Today I saw on Facebook a mom posting a video of her preemie princess in her chest… fighting for her life but she eventually passed away. I checked her mom’s FB and she says she doesn’t want to live anymore, her pictures are heartbreaking…

This little one has born a few days before you and it simply destroyed me. As a mom now, I can’t even imagine going through this. (you can check the video on your twitter) It’s funny how I lived 29 years without you but now I can’t live or imagine my life without you. You’re my life now. Don’t even leave me.

 26/01 - Chapter 8: Let's go to the beach

Bebesita, turns out I decided - after struggling very bad - to come to the beach and the 1st thing I notice is: I forgot your fisher price chair!

Damn it, that’s where you supposed to be at the beach etc. My mind doesn’t work properly often. Anyways, we arrived, and we had a pretty decent place to sleep. I thought you’d give me a hard time to sleep because of the new environment but you didn’t. You slept like always even though you also slept during the whole trip. You’re perfect. What I noticed it’s that my milk supply was low after we arrived at the beach. Weird. My milk supply comes and go. It’s weird.

27/01 - Chpater 9: Peeing on prohibited places

Today we started with the left foot. We finally took you to the beach like I’ve been dreaming of and we had fun at the beginning, we put your little feet in the sand, took pictures of your cutie mermaid outfit. We were having fun until you fell asleep in my arms. A while after that my dad needs to pee and my mom tells him there is a little house in the end of the street that charges very little to use the bathroom. So they go together…

Took them a little while to come back, but when they did my mom started to whisper at me: - Did you hear all the yelling? - No? - It was us. A man hit your dad, almost killed him. - WHAT? What happened? Why? And she told me when he was peeing behind a big trash bin.

While I was digesting the news, in the back there were a bunch of police officers talking to a man and my mom told me that was the guy. While my dad was breaking the news to my grandparents, I went straight to the police officers with you on my laps - which was a mistake -to talk to them and explain my dad was assaulted by that man. While I approached turning my back to your dad and my dad telling me not to go, I didn’t speak much until his horrible wife started to yelled at me and come after me - with you in my arms - I was shocked. I was shocked bc if wasn’t the officers separating her from us, she would have hit me with you in my lap and the worst could have happened. I mean, who comes to a woman with her kid in her arms? She was obviously drugged or drunk! Anyways, when I realize your grandpa was already trying to punch the guy, and while your dad was trying to take me away from there, I just saw my dad kicking the woman, then falling in the sand and a dog getting in the middle and being on my dad. Things scaled very quickly. After that I don’t know exactly what happened but I saw my dad talking to a new and huge police officer - who didn’t see what happened before - explaining the situation but from where I was seeing, he was not buying what my dad was saying, it was like he had a side.

A nice worker from the Kiosk went to tell the huge officer that he saw the lady coming at the woman with a kid (us) and the officer said: - Oh, do you want to be his witness then? It was like he was saying: - “Are you really gonna get in the middle of it? Get out. “

And then he said “no”, that he didn’t want to go to the police station to be no ones witness he was just explaining what he saw (which I understand, no one wants to make a risk move like that, you don’t know who you’re testifying against) then things scaled even quicker this time. My dad was super angry saying he was obligated to enroll the witness and all police officer talk that I don’t understand and the officer was just saying “no”. That was pissing my dad so much that he was coming at the office without any fear in his bones. Argh… I started to get in the middle - not with you anymore, I’ve learned my lesson, believe me - and I was screaming with your dad for your grandpa just STOP! He wasn’t listening, he was still coming towards the office, yelling and pointing his finger. He even said he was arrested???? Anyways, I could already seen the officer getting his gun and shooting my dad and this thought made me sick to my stomach…. I screamed: “Dad, stop it, your grandkids. RAFINHA. MELANIE STOP, PLEASE”. At this point I was pretty much crying already and BEGGING HIM TO STOP. Your dad was trying to talk him out of it too but he was blind, he couldn’t and wasn’t listen. He only yelled: “Let me go. Let me go. Get out”….. in a moment of true panic I fainted. I fell like a potato on the ground. That stopped my dad? No! How I know? Your dad and your grandma told me afterwards. Idn what exactly happened but when I woke up my dad wasn’t there anymore, next time I saw him he was talking to a bunch of officer but not that one anymore. I never saw that one again. Anyways, after EVERYTHING and a long time waiting what would happen, the officers told me that the guy wanted to APOLOGIZE. Right away he said he agreed go talk to the guy and what they did? They HUGGED. (Not the officer, the crazy one). Melanie, I was so pissed because after EVERYTHING they put us through, they simply HUGGED?

I’m telling you all this for specific reasons: 1) Your dad gave me a fair lecture about the risk I took going with you and he was 100% right. I had to listen.

2) Physical fight is never the right answer. Unless of course you have to defend yourself. My mom later told me the guy gave a head block on my dad and it was shocking him (which made me really sad thinking about it later) so of course in those situations you have to defend yourself. But in this case he didn’t have the chance because the guy was literally shocking him. Your grandpa just got away with it because my mom was screaming and a few people came to help.

Your grandfather is a person who holds no grudges (one of the seven deadly sins). He knows how to forgive with all his heart, even those who have wronged him in significant ways. It's not an easy thing to do. Can you imagine forgiving someone who has harmed you? But he does, and when he forgives, he knows how to let go of the past. Forgiving is a genuine and selfless act. No matter how challenging it may be, I encourage you to try to forgive. It will bring peace of mind not only to those who seeks forgiveness, but also to you. Forgiveness is good for the soul, and precisely because it is difficult, it becomes a beautiful challenge to overcome. However, if you choose to forgive, do it wholeheartedly, without concealing the wrongdoing, never throwing the past at the person’s face. If that’s the goal, it’s better not forgive. 

Forgiveness is a challenge and I hope you can overcome it when you need it. But remember: to err is human, to persist in error is stupidity. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone deserves forgiveness (if they are truly sorry), but persisting in the mistake two or more times is already abusing your heart. If the error persists, forgive, but without remaining in the lives of those people who did not know how to value and appreciate your forgiveness, and finally, learn from their mistakes. It's important to learn from your mistakes! I love you.

PS: If you forgive a second time but remove the person from your life, you won't have to face the pain of forgiving a third - and unnecessary - time again. If a person screw thing for a 2nd time, probably will repeat the mistakes again bc it’s not truly sorry.

To help this day 27th even more, since yesterday (the 26th) we arrived at the beach, I noticed that my milk had decreased a lot. During the early hours, as you peacefully slumbered for an extended period, my breasts used to be brimming with milk, enabling you to nurse on one side while I expressed the other with a breast pump, usually yielding around 100ml or a bit more for the following day. And today for the first time, my breasts weren't full :( and also for the first time, you fed both of them, so there was no extra milk. So a few hours later we went to buy formula.

We bought the formula but by a miracle and a lot of insistence on my part I managed to extend the breast milk for one more day. Every day I avoid the formula (so far) is a victory for me. I want you to be as healthy as possible and I know the importance of breast milk.

28/01 - Chapter 10: Failure as a mom

I woke up with the certainty that today I would have to introduce the formula. But because of the heat, you slept so much today that I was able to express milk every hour (albeit a little, but it added up) which resulted in another day of breast milk. Yaaay. Now the bad part of the day. Since last night your grandma looked at your little face and thought you had a little sunburn. I couldn’t see though. But this morning I noticed that she was right. So we kept an eye on you at the beach today, but despite all my efforts, when we got back we saw you redder, now also on your forehead and head.

I felt like the worst mother in the world, I'm sorry baby girl, I still have a lot to learn. Luckily it doesn't seem to be bothering you but I know that it’s very harmful. Towards the end of the afternoon, I applied 3m+ repellent (baby) on u, few hours later daddy made your bottle and asked me to check the temperature of the milk. What did I do? I stuck my finger in the bottle and only then did I remember that I had the repellent on it. Worst mother in the world part 2 and 3 (stick your thumb, and still with repellent).

29/01 Chapter 11: Special tweet - Giggles - Scaring daddy

Today, celebrity tweet from your dad. In the car on the way to the restaurant today you started giggling and laughing like never before with your mommy. Seeing you so happy and smiley made me cry and filled my heart with the kind of joy that I had never felt before

The last tweet was really from your dad and I just saw. And he’s right. You giggled so much with mommy! Look how precious! Was the best part of the day! You’re getting each day prettier and prettier!

Today after bath you cried a lot, A LOT and scared your father. I had seen you cry like that before, when you had your cramps or just because you were really hungry, but not him. I told him that there will happen sometimes. It hurts our hearts when you cry like that.

Today walking through São Sebastião center a lady walking from afar stopped to see if you were a true baby or a doll. You are our little doll, every day more beautiful (and more bald, just like your mommy was). You were so hairy and now so bald

30/01 - Chapter 12: The importance of sleep - Mommy's book

We left for home. You literally slept all day today (you woke up at 9:30 am, a little earlier than usual) went back to sleep on your dad's lap from 10:30-11:30 am, and then slept again from 1:30 pm until about . 4:30 pm. When we left for SP around 5:30 pm, you slept until 9:30 pm when we arrived. I thought there was no way you would sleep through the night, but to my surprise it is now 7:40 am and I am breastfeeding as usual. You're a perfect daughter and apparently you're just like mom: YOU LOVE to sleep. Sleep is something divine, it's as if all human beings have an on and off switch button and when it's time to sleep we finally press that button and our body starts to reset so that we wake up more willing. Also, it's the only time of day when we can really put our problems aside, our thoughts, and let them go. For those who are suffering, the pain goes away for a few hours. Something that doesn't happen during the day. Mommy always loved sleeping, but I started to REALLY LOVE when I was 16 and I started going through the first pain and suffering of my life. At the age of 16 I developed depression, but we'll talk about that later. Today, for now, Mommy is doing great.  But yeah, when my first boyfriend Marcelo (the most intense I think because of my age) broke up with me, my world fell apart, and the only time of day that I wasn't in constant agony, pain, wanting to die was the time sleep, since then, I used my sleep as an escape valve. Honestly, if you want (only if you want, bc I know it must be awkward to read about mom’s relationship other than with dad) to know about this mommy’s first love, you should ask me to read the book I wrote. Yes, I wrote a book BASED on my story (not everything there is true, like the ending). Just ask me, I have the book, but if I’m no longer here with u anymore, just search for "PARA SEMPRE - Natascha Lacava". But I want you to read this book when you’re over 15, ok?