03/03 - Chapter 202: We gotta cary on darling
Today is the day of our trip to Santos. Your father and I needed this, and I think you did too, after everything you've been through. We also gave my parents the opportunity to spend the week with Rafinha because since you left the hospital, they haven't been able to spend much time with him as he is still in daycare and can catch various viruses.
The journey was quick, about an hour and a half, quite different from Caraguá, which is double the time. We only went through one toll booth, but it was quite expensive, 35.00. But I prefer it this way rather than making multiple stops at various toll booths during the journey.
However, as usual, we couldn't arrive early. The check-in for the Airbnb apartment I rented was at 3:00 PM, and I wanted to arrive at that time to enjoy a day at the beach, especially since the weather app shows that it will be sunny today and tomorrow, and for the rest of the week we'll be there, it's forecasted to rain :(. I hope they are wrong because I honestly don't know what we'll do there without the beach. I'm going mainly because you LOVE the beach, playing in the sand, running...
We tried to leave early, but with a baby, everything becomes more difficult because we can't forget anything, and there's a lot to bring. To start, you didn't wake up in a good mood today, you were quite irritable and teary, and when we took your temperature, it was 37.1... We were really worried because it's not possible... we are already being extremely careful! But it turned out to be nothing, and throughout the day, it disappeared and returned to the normal range of 36.
Upon arriving in the city, we weren't very surprised, despite it being a city known to be very good, the appearance is ugly, with quite old buildings. The building we stayed in itself is quite unattractive from the outside, but well-maintained inside. The person who decorated it had very good taste.
We arrived at 5:00 PM, rushed to change, and went straight to the beach just across the street. We stayed there until the evening, already dark. The beach had lights from all sides, making it
I quite liked the size of the beach; it's wide, and we stayed away from everyone, in a little corner. However, the color of the sea is horrible, as ugly as or worse than the sea in Caraguá. But Caraguá, the downtown area is much prettier with modern buildings.
Another thing I liked more about Caraguá was the kiosks. Here, there are hardly any kiosks, just small stalls, and mostly selling drinks. And when there is a kiosk, it seems quite shabby, neglected, and dirty.
I thought there would be several restaurant options in front of the beach, open-air, like in Rio de Janeiro, Mallorca... that was disappointing. Just like Ubatuba was disappointing for me.
But we had fun at the beach, and your bad mood disappeared completely during the hours we spent there. You had a pastel, and had a lot of fun. The three of us played, chased after you... it had been a while since I saw you laugh so much and be so happy.
Later, when we returned to the apartment, your bad mood returned even stronger than when you woke up. Now you've learned to throw tantrums and are starting to show your personality even more. For example, I was unpacking and storing everything in the apartment's wardrobe, which doesn't have doors. It took me a while to organize everything, and at one point, in a fit of tantrum and tears, you went over and threw all the clothes I had just arranged on the floor. These are the kinds of things we weren't yet accustomed to with you.
I thought you might be running a fever and that's why you were behaving this way, but your temperature was normal when I checked.
Feeding has also become quite challenging. You don't seem to be interested in food much. It feels like karma for me because I was the same way as a child and made my parents suffer a lot with mealtime; it's as if I'm paying for that now in some way, despite sounding silly.
Even though you slept almost the entire journey, you were very tired at night, and it was evident, just like your father and me. Despite it being 11:00 PM, we were very exhausted, and our bodies were drained. Especially me, as it was my 5th consecutive day with a headache. I've never had such a constant headache before...
So, we collapsed onto the bed and slept. Well, I tried to, but since you were sleeping with us in the middle of the bed, the space was quite tight. I went to the upper part (here in this apartment, despite being only one floor, there's a suspended bed on the top that seemed to be quite fun). I went to sleep there, and in the middle of the night, I woke up, sat up, and as I sat up, I hit my head hard on the ceiling. I thought my head wouldn't reach the ceiling, but it did... Then my thoughts started: I hope I don't have a seizure, internal bleeding while sleeping, because I don't want to leave my daughter.
Before, I didn't care about dying, mainly because I'm not a big fan of this ugly and cruel world, but today I can't bear the thought of leaving you. Every time you hug me, kiss me, and say 'mommy,' I know how much you love me and how much you need me, just as much as I need you. I know you would suffer a lot if something happened to me, but only in the beginning, because you're very young, and with time you wouldn't remember anymore. However, I wouldn't want to be forgotten by you either. I love you, my daughter!
04/03 - Chapter 203: Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Today, when I saw the clock ticking 11:58, almost noon, I jumped... all of us sleeping and missing the day. I woke you and your father up, we had breakfast, and went for a walk on the beach. We walked for almost an hour, but didn't see anything different. Just a very extensive beach, as I told you.
On the way, we saw some playgrounds that made you very happy, and some ugly kiosks. Right at the beginning, there was a grassy path, and you played a lot, chasing birds. That scene, for me, was the best so far. You running around outdoors, laughing, giggling, and having fun. With space to roam, a relatively empty place, it even reminded me a bit of our first trip to San Diego. Too bad we can't do this where we currently live.
After walking for almost 1 hour and without a stroller, we knew we had to walk all the way back, and that was the challenge. So, we took small breaks in the sand, sat down, played a bit with the bucket, walked, stopped again.
You played a lot with the bucket, shovel, and sand. And with each success, you were very, very happy, and with each failure, you got very irritated, which I've mentioned before concerns me. When you put sand in the bucket, you clapped your hands with joy, and when you couldn't, you got frustrated.
Oh, and all the sandcastles your father and I made, you destroyed, hated them. And halfway through, you went crazy and started grabbing sand and putting it in your mouth as if it were cake. Your father and I scolded you, but you did it again. About 3 or 4 times... Then you stopped completely. I hope you don't catch anything, no disease because after the effort we've been putting in lately, we don't deserve that. But seriously, Melanie, what the hell? Eating sand? And eating sand from SANTOS? Near where the sewage network passes? Jesus, have mercy on us.
After walking a lot, we managed to get back. I can really say that you are a #beachgirl. I didn't like the beach when I was a child, and you love it!
Even when we were at the beach, I was looking for places to have a special dinner. I found a restaurant that I had heard of in São Paulo, and they have it here too, called "Mundo Animal" (Animal World). It's a themed children's restaurant where staff dress up as animals to entertain the kids, and I thought it would be fun.
Well, when we arrived, the place was empty. We got there at 6:00 PM because, as we hadn't had lunch, it was our lunch/dinner. The place is really beautiful, very well decorated. It had a children's play area, which was the only enjoyable part of the restaurant. Since it was empty, and no other children were there, your father and I went with you on the rides, in the ball pit, and you had a great time! But other than the toys and the decor, it was a disappointment. I didn't see anyone dressed up as animals, the food was very expensive and not good. It was only worth it for your happiness in the ball pit.
Since we arrived here, you've been sneezing a lot, but since there's no mucus, I believe you may be allergic to something. Please, no more scares for us!
05/03 - Chapter 204: Let the rain kiss you
You went to bed early because you didn't take a nap the previous day and were very tired, so by 10:00 PM, you were already asleep. However, around 7:00 AM, you sort of woke up and took a good amount of time to go back to sleep. I was already kind of desperate.
Actually, if you do the math, from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM is 9 hours of sleep, excellent for a baby; but you're so wonderful that 9 hours is not enough for you. You went back to sleep and woke up almost at noon hahahahahhaha. You really are my daughter, blood of my blood. I may not have liked the beach in childhood, unlike you, but we both love sleeping, and that's undeniable since the day you were born.
Speaking of sleep, since we arrived in Santos, I haven't taken my prescription medication anymore because I was afraid of feeling drowsy and not enjoying the trip with you guys. I'm fine, but my anxiety is still very strong.
Today we went to a place with many plants and some animals, had some fun, and the entrance was super cheap, 10 reais per person (you didn't pay). But what worried us was that during the outing, one of your sneezes had mucus. Now, a sneeze with mucus is something concerning. And that ruined my day. I spent the whole day worried, stressed, with my thoughts crowded.
We're doing everything right, putting you in a "bubble," protecting you from everything, so how did you catch another virus? Another bacteria? It's not possible...
We went back to the apartment and did another nose wash for you. You're traumatized by nasal washes using a syringe; it's always torture for me and your dad to do it because you suffer so much. In addition, I gave you a syrup I bought in the USA to reduce mucus, and it was also torture because you don't accept medicine in the syringe, only on a spoon, and ONLY during bath time.
After much stress, we went to the beach for a short while, but we stayed very little because it started raining soon. So, we went back, took a hot shower, and went for a stroll on a gastronomic street here in Santos. This place we went to is much nicer compared to where we are.
After taking a walk, we stopped at a Mexican restaurant. Your dad paid for a buffet for him and me, and I liked it a lot. We spent almost two hours at the restaurant. You had bean cakes, a lot of chicken, meat, and tortillas, and you enjoyed everything so much! It was an outdoor restaurant, so there wasn't much danger of contamination. The problem was that it was raining a lot, and the rain didn't stop, so when it was time to leave, we left in the rain. We arrived soaked in the car... we ran from the restaurant to the car, but I have to confess it was fun for all of us to get caught in the rain. You had fun, even getting so wet. What a pleasant night, despite the worries.
Later in the afternoon, I messaged both pulmonologists we consulted today, sharing the situation, and now, as I write to you tonight, neither of them has responded. Great, right? We pay a private doctor with a very expensive consultation fee, and the one who provides more assistance and responds faster is Dr. Humberto, the doctor from the health plan. Go figure...
Anyway, after doing a lot of research, I think your issue is related to reflux. You have always, always choked when drinking liquids, and lately, it's only getting worse. With water, in particular, it's always worse than with milk or juice, and it happens EVERY TIME. Additionally, you've been having constant hiccups. I believe Dr. Camille was right in ordering reflux tests because I think that's genuinely the problem. Did you know that reflux and bronchiolitis can be connected? Did you know that if you have silent reflux, that could be the reason your condition worsens so much when you catch a virus? But who discovered all this? Me, your mother, a layperson in medicine and a graduate in translation, doing the work that your doctors should be doing. You had severe reflux as a baby, until you were 6 months old (if you go back to the chapters, you'll see), and even though you stopped vomiting later, you might still have what they call "silent reflux," and I think that's the root of the problem.
We've scheduled an appointment with a very renowned pulmonologist on Friday. His consultation fee is R$ 1,300 (equivalent to a minimum wage for an hour of consultation), and I believe on that day, we will have some more answers about what's happening with you.
06/03 - Chapter 205: Everybody here is watching you
I knew it was going to be bad weather in Santos today from the forecast on the app, but goodness, it just rained all day long. We couldn't do anything. We woke up, lingered around the apartment for a few hours, hoping the rain would stop so we could go to the beach. We waited, and waited, and waited, but the rain didn't let up. So, as it was getting later in the afternoon, we were deciding whether to head back to São Paulo since you were quite sick, and we were afraid it might escalate into something more serious. Also, I managed to schedule a third appointment with the pulmonologist for Friday, the expensive one I told you about. It's $1300 for the consultation, and they only provide an invoice.
We still weren't sure if we would return or not, so we decided to visit a famous ice cream shop in Santos to stroll around a bit and have ice cream. When we got there, it was quite difficult to find parking, especially in the rain, so I dropped you and your dad off at the ice cream shop and went to look for a parking spot. Luckily, the rain had eased up a bit, and when I arrived, I chose a Nutella and a stracciatella ice cream. When I got back, you were eating the cone, but without any ice cream scoops. Your dad said you didn't want the ice cream, just the cone. When it came time to pay, I paid for all of us, and the guy charged one real for your cone. Funny, in Barcelona, when we went to an ice cream shop, a very friendly lady gave you two ice cream cookies and didn't charge anything. And these guys gave you a cone but dared to charge one real for the ice cream. Not that they are obligated to give anything, no one in life is obligated to give you anything at all, but let's say that some establishments know how to win a customer, and others simply don't. They prefer to make a tiny profit than to impress and please new customers. The ice cream was good, but nothing exceptional. What we had in Ubatuba was infinitely better, and the ones we have in São Paulo like Bacio de Latte are infinitely better.
After eating at the ice cream, we went for a walk to the nearby beach. But with our luck, it started raining when we got to the beach. So, on the way back, we got caught in a heavy rain until we reached the car. Then, miraculously, it stopped raining when we got to the car. Amazing, right?!
After talking to my parents, we thought it would be wiser to return because your dad and I believed we heard a kind of wheezing in your chest. It was indeed wiser to go back. So we decided to pack up and then head back to São Paulo that same night. When we got to the apartment, we noticed you had already fallen asleep in the car. So we put you to bed in the apartment while we packed everything up. It took about 2 hours to get everything ready, and believe it or not, you slept until the very last minute. Then we had to wake you up, and whenever we have to wake you up, you're not in a good mood. On top of everything, we had to give you a nasal rinse with the syringe, so it was just stressful. And since you had already slept for 2 hours in the car, I knew it was very difficult for you to sleep again. And that's how it was; you stayed awake the whole way, watching cartoons. You didn't want to sleep.
The trip was a bit complicated because besides being at night, we encountered heavy fog, rain, and several trucks on the road. But we arrived safe and sound.
And since your cousin Rafinha had been away from school for a week in quarantine, the next day you would see him again. But since I was eager, we stopped by my sister's house as soon as we got back from the trip. And almost after a month, you reunited with your cousin.
There was a day when you saw him from afar in the car, but it's not the same thing. Now you can hug him and play with him. The idea was not to let you and him kiss each other, but your dad and I realized how futile it was to try that because it would be impossible. Look at the little kiss on his nose that you gave, how beautiful!!!!!!!
I counted the days to see you together again; I love the relationship you have and the love you have for each other. It seems like that of twin siblings, it's something beautiful to see.
After playing for about an hour with your little cousin, we went back to your grandparents' house, and you were also thrilled to see them again. During the trip, you had mentioned their names several times.
And of course, you went to bed very late since you had slept a lot in the afternoon. If you sleep in the afternoon, it's always very complicated to get you to sleep before midnight. Practically impossible.
Now we're just anxious for the consultation with the "famous" on Friday, so we can see what he'll say and if you'll still be sick and worsen by then.
We're anxious; desperate for your condition not to worsen again.
No one will be able to go through this a fourth time.
08/03 - Chapter 206: The more I do, the less I know
The day of the doctor finally arrived. Yesterday, we kept a close eye on you all day, we were so desperate that every now and then we thought you had a fever or were feverish, but whenever we tried to check the temperature, the thermometer proved us wrong.
Today we woke up a little earlier because the doctor's office is quite far, it's in Vila Olímpia, almost 2 hours away from where we are. It would be a long day, especially because your cousin Rafinha came with us. Either he would come with us, or he would go to school, and then you two couldn't spend the weekend together or celebrate my birthday all together. So we made this sacrifice and took him along. It was a sacrifice for him too because it took about 3 and a half hours round trip by car. No child likes to be stuck in the car for so long. So I can say with certainty that it was a sacrifice for everyone. Of course, my sister didn't know about it because she doesn't understand things, she lacks comprehension, so later on, we made up an excuse that we went to São Paulo just to eat at a bakery (although in fact he stopped at a bakery in the end).
It truly was a long journey, it felt like it would never end. What I can tell you is that with the distance we traveled from here to the doctor's office, we could have made it back to the beach in Santos.
Well, when we arrived there, everything happened in a way we didn't expect. First, because it's a very upscale doctor's office in Vila Olímpia, we found a place to park the car without having to pay for parking. Something that usually doesn't happen here in the North Zone, which is not a very wealthy neighborhood. After that, we entered the office, and he immediately called us in. But he asked if all of us were going to enter because it would be too many people, but we could decide. My mom caught the hint and said she would stay outside with Rafinha. Which isn't ideal, considering my mom came from so far just to hear what this famous and important doctor had to say. She drove for so long to take us there. If she were to stay outside the office, she might as well not have come. It would have been better for her to stay home and take care of Rafinha. That way, neither she nor he would have to go through the hell of driving for so long in São Paulo.
Well, when we entered the office, we sat down and immediately began telling the whole story, from before Barcelona when you went to the hospital and had the X-ray showing that you had mucus in your lungs, that was in September. Then we narrated the three episodes of bronchiolitis, the hospitalizations, our experience with the hospital, and the doctors we've seen since then.
When I started telling him about the medications you were taking, he began to look surprised, as if these medications were wrong. So there was a glimmer of hope that he was truly a very different doctor and would completely revolutionize your treatment. I thought, "Wow, he's going to change everything and really change my daughter's life." Well, when I mentioned that we consulted with Dr. Bernardo, his expression couldn't have been worse. He shook his head negatively and put his hand on his forehead, horrified. He said that this doctor was his professor and that he was - in his words - "a crazy old man." He didn't understand how he was still practicing medicine to this day and that one day he would kill someone. He said, "Let me guess, he recommended imunoglobin injections for her and told you to stop everything else." Your father and I were shocked because that's exactly what happened. At that point, we started to believe that Dr. Bernardo prescribed the same treatment for several patients, patients who often ended up with the doctor we were visiting now.
At that moment, I called my mother into the room so she could hear what the doctor had to say. And he repeated everything for her. She also became super confused and left the room more confused than she entered. Funny, the more doctors we consult, the more information we try to gather to know what is best for you, the less we seem to know.
But I can't tell you, both your father and I had the impression that there was a personal feud between the two. What he was saying seemed personal too, driven by his own motives and not as a doctor, you understand? But still, we were very surprised and afraid that we had started this treatment with you. After all, this is the highly regarded doctor. But apparently, the other one is too.
The doctor also said that if we were to continue the treatment with him as well, he couldn't see us anymore. Could anything be more personal than that? Hahahaa. We talked a little more, went into more detail about things, and he said he would make some changes. First, he changed your breathing inhaler, switching from Symbicort to Seretide, and also swapped Montelukast (a medication to boost immunity) for another powdered medication.
Then he examined you and said that you seemed to be doing very well, without wheezing, and he believed there wasn't much to worry about. In his medical opinion, it was just bad luck that you caught so many viruses in such a short time.
After almost an hour of consultation, we went home. But not before getting stuck in terrible traffic and suffering quite a bit on the way back with you and your cousin getting restless. Not even the TV show I brought was helping anymore after a while. On top of all that, we remembered that it was my mom's car's day for the traffic restriction, so she would get fined for the time we were returning. What did we do? Your dad and I stopped at a pharmacy, bought some masking tape, covered the last digit of the license plate with the tape so the radar wouldn't catch my mom's car and issue a fine.
The traffic restriction exists here in São Paulo because it's a very populous city with many cars. So, to try to reduce the flow of cars, each vehicle with a certain last digit of the license plate can't be on the road on certain days of the week. I think only here does this exist... It's quite a BS, you know...
09/03 - Chapter 207: Your cheatin' heart
The doubt was still killing me. I was having recurring dreams with all these questions of how to do, how to treat, how to proceed with you. So what I decided to do was to talk to Camila's sister, since she was the one who recommended Dr. Bernardo, and clear up all my doubts. She told me that she always took her children to him, but he wasn't actually their regular pediatrician because, being a private doctor, she didn't always have the financial means to take them to him. However, when the case was more serious, she always took her children to him. She said that her daughter didn't undergo this treatment, which already disproves the assumption that he treats everyone the same; it wasn't her case. She only mentioned that her daughter received an iron injection, a single dose, and her daughter's iron levels have never been low since then. As for her son, the youngest, he did indeed undergo the same treatment as you after he got COVID and had persistent sore throats for a long time. She said she did 10 applications of this treatment when her son was around four years old, and today, at 11, he no longer experiences sore throats. And she said that her friend who recommended him, her son also underwent a treatment and never got sick again.
Talking to her, I can't explain it to you, but it gave me inner peace, and I immediately knew what to do; I felt confident in the doctor's treatment and in the treatment injections you are taking. So your father and I decided that you would probably continue with the treatment; the only thing we wanted was to consult with Dr. Humberto, who has been your pediatrician since you were born, to ask for his opinion. Dr. Humberto is very honest; he's not one of those modern doctors; he is very helpful, and we were sure that he would tell the truth about this medication and what he would recommend. So even though we were already inclined to continue the treatment, this consultation with Dr. Humberto would clear up all our doubts. I scheduled Dr. Humberto for Monday morning, on my birthday; we would have to be there at 9:30 a.m. As for Dr. Bernardo and your injection, you would have to arrive at 2:30 p.m. Look at my birthday... Spending the whole day taking you to doctors hahahaha. But it's worth it, my love, all to see you well and healthy!
We've been doing daily nasal washes, and apparently you're improving, and not relapsing like the last few times. However, we heard what sounded like wheezing from you, but we couldn't differentiate whether it was snoring, chest wheezing, or throat wheezing, so we'll take you to Dr. Humberto to evaluate as well.
Now, what's really worrying me is you with the cats... you get so happy to see them that you don't know how to show love, and end up hurting them. Many times, you're choking them, lying on top of them with all your weight, and even sitting... Every time we witness this, we discipline you and try to teach you what's right, but you're still too young to understand; but we'll keep trying. I find it absurd those parents who let their children hurt pets because they think the child can do whatever they want. They are living beings and they feel pain. And when they feel enough pain to attack, they will. Then many parents give away the pets and abandon them. It's not their fault, it's the parents who didn't stop it, and didn't try to teach.
You remind me of my sister, as I told you, she used to do the same with Pepe. She has always been and still is crazy about animals, loves them madly, but when she was your age and even a little older, she didn't know how to show that love. And apparently the same thing is happening with you. I know you don't mean harm, and you don't really want to hurt them, but it's getting worse every time. Slapping, kicking... And I slap you, scold you, and we always, always stay close when you're around animals. I call that "cheating heart", when it seems like you're doing something mean, but it's not, it's just because you still don't know better. Eventually you'll learn. But it's important to set boundaries, and to know how to scold your child, to say NO. Parents nowadays don't know how to say NO.
11/03 - Chapter 208: The magic it's not here no more
Today my birthday started early. You woke up at 8 in the morning, 15 minutes before my alarm went off, and then we got ready to go to the doctor's. Since you're not used to going to bed early, you slept the whole way there. Arriving at Dr. Humberto's, to our surprise, the office was empty, except for one family inside. But this family could have just arrived, and we know that Dr. Humberto spends quite a lot of time with patients in the office, so even if there was only one person in the room, it could still mean we would have to wait around 1 hour. But it was the lesser of two evils because our real fear in taking you there was that it would be crowded, and since you can't have contact with anyone, one of us would have to wait in the car until we were called, but that wasn't the case.
You played a little with your dad in the office, but soon fell asleep again, and even when we were called into the room, you slept through our entire conversation. You only woke up when the doctor came to examine you, and then there was that crying that you always do.
The conversation was very fruitful. It took a while to cover all the points I wanted to address because Dr. Humberto is one of those doctors who also talks about his personal life, and at every opportunity, he tells a story from his life or from people close to him. So, we heard that as soon as we entered the office, another family arrived, and poor them for waiting because it took at least 1 hour.
But we managed to ask the most important question about the immunoglobulin, and he said that even if your immunity is high, it wouldn't hurt. He even thought 10 doses were a lot, but said that the doctor who specializes in this should know how many doses you need. He told us that all the medications from the last expensive pulmonologist we visited were also very good, and we could combine them. But he was also against stopping the inhalers so soon.We even tried to change the doctor for the next day because your father was also very tired, and two doctors in one day is not easy at all, but we couldn't because the secretary said it had been 12 days since you took the last dose, and ideally, it should be 10; if we postponed it to the next day, it would be 13 days, and the treatment could be in jeopardy.
While your father took you with my mother to the doctor, I slept like a princess, enjoying my birthday.
Something about my birthday that you need to know, since your aunt Tayna and I were children, we loved our birthdays because our grandparents fulfilled all our wishes on our birthdays. Starting with the fact that they brought breakfast (even though my sister and I never had breakfast on that day because we didn't like to eat after waking up) to bed and joyfully sang "Happy Birthday." In fact, "Happy Birthday" was always sung at midnight, even before the day began. We always waited for midnight to celebrate each other's birthdays. So, in reality, our birthday always started at night and ended only in the early hours of the next day.
Moreover, my parents would cater to our wishes. So, for example, I loved spending time with my cousins who were my age, but my father usually wouldn't allow me to sleep over at their house. However, if it was something I asked for on my birthday, he would allow it. So, we felt like it was a princess's day, where we could have our wishes granted. This also extended to the gifts we received not only from my parents but also from grandparents, uncles, etcetera, so it was simply a magical day for us, children. I always loved having birthdays, and I remember the anticipation each year, feeling like my birthday was approaching, but I was sad that it was only once a year. It took so long to arrive...
And when we were children, we studied at a primary school, a small school that celebrated each student's birthday. There were about 10 children or even fewer in each classroom, but the birthdays were fantastic because there was cake, food, and each child in the class received gifts from the parents of these children. So, I would receive about 10 gifts just at my school from my little friends on my birthday. Sure, my parents also bought gifts for children's birthdays, but for kids, this is sensational, receiving so many presents...
When I was around 12 years old, transitioning from childhood to pre-adolescence, I still loved having birthdays. The thrill was no longer about my parents; it was now about spending the day with my friends. The joy was in receiving hugs, cards, and being sought after by my friends on my special day. Additionally, in Brazil, we have a tradition that on your birthday, you can receive "ovada" on the head. That's right, people take an egg and break it on your head. Many people were afraid of having a birthday and receiving the famous "ovada" from friends, but many, despite saying they were scared, deep down wanted to receive it and would be sad if they didn't. I think that was my case. Hahahahaha. I received and gave many "ovadas" to my friends. I remember there was a time at the elementary school I attended where the principal got upset about this "ovada" tradition and came to tell us that even outside of school, in the surrounding area, if we were wearing our uniforms, we couldn't be giving or receiving "ovadas." As if! Outside of school, everyone can do whatever they want; the woman had no authority over that, geez. Years have passed, decades, and I still get upset thinking about that principal who thought she could control everything and everyone outside of school.
Anyway, birthdays continued to be magical, and instead of my parents, my celebration was held, for example, by my mother renting the party hall in the building where we lived and throwing a 'mini nightclub' to celebrate my birthday. Music, DJ, dancing, and several pre-teens who were starting to have their first kisses, just like me. My first kiss was at 12 years old, but it was after my birthday.
These parties were amazing; it was a very enjoyable time. I believe my 12 years old was also one of the best ages of my life. Lots of friends, just chatting nonsense, going everywhere, it's a really incredible phase. I hope you enjoy it.
As for the other birthdays, I don't remember very well the things that went wrong; there are some that I remember now, but they would entail having to tell other stories that I'm not yet prepared to tell. What I can tell you is that something always went wrong. And with that, when I turned 18, 19 years old, it seems like I started losing the enchantment with birthdays. Because I spent the day more disappointed, expecting things that didn't happen, than happy. The magic, the wonder wasn't there anymore, you know? That's sad because it's nice to have that day, that joy of celebrating with the people we love and who love us, but I had lost that magic that was so important to me. It seems that the more we grow up, the more we lose the purity of our hearts, and the more we detach from our true selves. Like Christmas, for adults, it's something so silly to believe in Santa Claus, and for children, it's something so magical. Children enjoy this day much more than adults because they have something to believe in, they have something to celebrate.
Children are beautiful! They love birthdays, Christmas... they have pure hearts! They don't hate anyone, they don't hold grudges, they possess a pure spirit.
But that's it, daughter! I hope you enjoy birthdays as much as I did, and who knows, maybe you'll never lose the magic of yours. I can't promise you that you won't lose it because adult life is very different! But maybe you can be the exception, you never know.
Going back to my birthday, I turned 31. How crazy, when I got pregnant with you I was 28 and now I'm already in my thirties. Granted, I got pregnant in February and turned 29 in March, but still, those seem like distant numbers in my head.
Well, I slept in the afternoon, and at night we all went to celebrate, the core family + great-grandma for my birthday. Then you'll ask me, "Mom, but was there any curse, or minor curse on your birthday, because apparently it doesn't seem like it." Well, actually, I really wanted to go eat at a pizzeria called Mr. Texas or at Massa da Caveira which I love, but both pizzerias were closed because it was Monday so I ended up eating at a place that I didn't really want to, which was Duana pizzeria, right next to your grandparents' house. But I really wanted to have eaten at the special pizzerias that I like so much, but they were closed for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal, a very small curse, but it always happens hahahahaha, and with that, over the years, I became disillusioned. But spending the night with all of you was my best gift! I couldn't wish for better company.
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16/03 - Chapter 209: BRUCAS
Days passed and your condition didn't worsen; you actually improved significantly without any deterioration, unlike the last few times. I can't tell if it's the treatment with the steroid inhalers, if it was the first injection of immunoglobin, a combination of everything, or if you're developing immunity. It's hard to know which treatment is working when each doctor has a different approach.
In fact, the actress recently gave an interview talking about how at the time she felt somewhat "obligated" to marry him, which only brought backlash to her. At the very least, pathetic.
She claims they were very young and she felt somewhat pressured, etc., etc. They were in their twenties, and while it's true that getting married at that age today is indeed considered quite early, we also have to consider that she married during the 2000s, which was a bit different, and even more so in the past. I know some people who got married at that age and are still together today, including my parents, your maternal grandparents. So, that wouldn't be a plausible or smart excuse. And the fact that she claims she actually "didn't really want to get married" becomes even more pathetic because she was totally in love with him. It was clear in the videos they made and in the video where he proposed to her. Nobody had a gun to her head, and nobody forced her. I think in life you have to admit the things you do and own it.
Chad responded quite angrily to this statement, saying that he would never marry someone except for love, and even his new wife made fun of the actress, and rightfully so.
Returning to the show, the only phase I liked Peyton was when she was with Jake. In the 2nd season, which I believe was my favorite season. In that season, she was wonderful, and it was the only season where I could stand her character. She and Jake were a perfect couple, and you could see the difference in her love for him compared to Lucas, it was very different. Also, the storyline of her love with Jake ending the way it did didn't make sense for her to end up with Lucas in the end. But the reason I can guarantee you that this happened was precisely because of what happened in real life.
This solidified my thoughts when I heard a podcast with the actress who played Peyton saying that the creators of the show had actually told her that the idea, after some time after the first season, was indeed to change it and have Brooke end up with Lucas, and Peyton end up with Jake.
The actress who played Brooke always seemed "surprised" is a better word, to know that Brooke and Lucas had so many fans. Because they indeed do. The fanbase for Brooke and Lucas was always bigger than that of Peyton (thank God), but the actress never understood why so many people liked this couple since he cheated on her in the series. But it's worth remembering that he cheated in the first season and learned from his mistake, and she forgave him and got back together with him afterward, forgiving him, because there are people who cheat in real life and are forgiven. As I mentioned, I believe that if someone makes a mistake and is genuinely sorry for what they've done, they deserve forgiveness. Maybe they'll lose their partner, because forgiving doesn't mean you'll remain with the person, but you don't have to hate them if they're truly sorry. Now, if the person feels no remorse, then the story is a bit different.
But one of the reasons I like the actress who played Peyton is exactly that. She has said on the podcast that she understands why the Brooke-Lucas couple has so many followers and why so many people like them, exactly because she also watched the series while doing the podcast and found them to be a very cute couple. The actress has also never hidden that she was in love with the Peyton-Jake couple. So that's also why I like her a lot; it seems like she watched the series in a neutral, impartial way, without being biased towards one or the other... For some, it seems like betrayal is the worst thing in the world and that the person deserves to be publicly shamed after doing so.
But anyway, honey, I remember being really happy when they got together, but my happiness only lasted about a season. There were a total of three seasons back and forth that the couple lived through, then in the fourth, it was really tough for me to watch the series. Despite being passionate about the show, when the couple I hate got together, it was in a kind of grotesque way and it was hard for me to continue watching. That's why I only saw the 4th season once and never managed to rewatch it.
I remember your dad started watching the show with me, but I only let him watch until the last episode of the 3rd season. In the 4rth, I refused to continue watching, and he also liked the same couples as me. I couldn't watch it all over again, it's something I can't explain. You know those things that you can only watch once even though you like them, but you know you couldn't watch them a second or more times because you know you'd feel all those negative feelings again, and you avoid it, you shield yourself from having to feel those emotions again? That's exactly what happened to me. I didn't want to feel those emotions again, that frustration, that anger, that disappointment. So there was no reason for me to keep watching something that didn't make me feel very good.
But don't get me wrong, the show is amazing and you might see it in a totally different way, I just really hope you don't like the couple I hate so much hahahahaha because in that case, I take it personally, okay, sweetheart? 😁😁😁😁😁
But the show is amazing, it's really good, the 1st season is a bit weak, and after the main actors leave, it loses some of its magic, its essence, but it addresses very difficult and complex themes like suicide, depression, high school and teenage life, adoption, talks about many many delicate and important things. It's a show to carry in your heart, truly. It's just not my favorite because, as I told you, despite being passionate about the series and the couple in it, the hatred for that specific couple and the disappointment were so overwhelming that it surpassed my love for the series.
I remember at the end of 2015, I went with my sister to North Carolina, to the city of Wilmington, for an event of the show that took place there, in the same city where it was filmed.
I remember there was a girl who came from Rio de Janeiro, she was also going to the event. I was quite surprised because honestly, I thought we would be the only Brazilians there, especially because here in Brazil it's a kind of unknown show, you know? So I was really surprised to see another Brazilian.
We ended up becoming friends, but it quickly ended when I found out that she liked Lucas and Peyton hahahahahah, look at your mom's maturity!!!!! I couldn't stand her anymore, I wanted to make her change her mind, to understand why she liked that couple. And my sister was trying to make me stop being childish, and see that I was acting wrong. That's right, I'm talking about my sister, my sister was being more mature than me. Unprecedented fact. But yes, my sister was right, in life we always have to tolerate and respect other opinions and know that we are not the center of the universe. It's totally valid for people to like different things.
But this couple for me has always been a very strong thing that I always took personally, a very irrational thing, really hard to explain, you know! More than 10 years have passed and I still think about them. After becoming a mother, this changed a bit because when you're a mom you don't have time for much else, but just before you were born I still watched videos of them, and participated in debates, among many other things. I was quite active in their fan club community. And as I told you, this only stopped a little after you were born, because with a baby we have almost no time for anything, my love. But I still remain passionate about them, still frustrated that my favorite couple didn't end up together.
For me, it's something that if artificial intelligence could change, I would pay a very high price to watch and see them end up together, it's a priority. With the advancements in artificial intelligence, who knows, maybe in the near future I can have this dream come true.
I also remember having several images of Brooke Davis with quotes all over my entire room, printed photos from the printer itself. I was passionate about her character, about her courage, about everything! Brooke has always been selfless when it comes to the people she loves, and that's what made me love her so much. In a few words, Brooke gave OTH its heart, and her role was perfect. I'm pretty sure a lot of girls and women can relate to her.
The only arc they messed up with her was also in season 4 (worst season for me). In order to make Peyton's actually look "less bad" and people don't hate her character, the poor writing decide to make Brooke sleep with Peyton's boyfriend in the past (which was revelead in the future). This arc and writing was so bad, so bad... because simply doesn't match her character, doesn't match her values and even though she was a "party girl/slutty" in the past, she would never do that to her best friend. You could see that "hoes over broes" was something crucial for her, something she herself would never do. So it was just bad writing honestly.
Anyways, her some of my favorite things about her: 1. She is the greatest friend that anyone could ever ask for. She believes that her friends deserve the absolute best (and that's why the arc from season 4 just doesn't add up) She is always there for them, no matter what, waiting with a shoulder to cry on or some seriously inspiring wisdom. She's all about loving yourself (even if it's something that she's had a hard time with) she's always doing whatever she can to make sure her best friends are happy. And along with all of that, she is unbelievably kind. Like next level kind. This girl's got a heart the size of the sun. 2. She has a bold personality. Brooke Davis isn't one for sitting idly by while the world trashes you. She stands up for herself and for what she believes is right. She has some seriously strong opinions and isn't scared to shout them from the rooftops. 3. She's vulnerable The thing about Brooke was that she had a really specific image: she was the happy, pretty, ambitious cheerleader who was ready to rule the world. But underneath that exterior was a sad girl who had been horribly mistreated and torn down by her parents. She spent her life believing that she could never possibly be good enough, and it was nothing short of heartbreaking whenever she opened up about it. 4. She owns her own business. Brooke started her fashion line in high school. By the time she was 22 years old, she was running an international business, based on the clothing line "Clothes over Bros" that she started during her junior year. She has more ambition in her fingernail than most people have in their entire body. More than that, she ran her business like a total queen. She made sure that all of the models featured in her fashion shows and ad campaigns were healthy, meaning no drugs, healthy eating habits, etc. She wanted to change the image of beauty that younger girls had to look up to. 5. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. Brooke isn't afraid to take risks. How did her relationship with Lucas start? She got naked in the backseat of his car. What did she do when her mom told her she could never be a successful designer? She started an internationally renowned fashion company. What happened when the adoption agency told her she wasn't a good fit for parenting? She fostered a teenager. Brooke Davis doesn't take no for an answer. She turns her dreams into realities no matter the odds. 6. She is pretty strong Brooke has been to hell and back, but no matter what life throws her way, she comes back a better, stronger person for it.
If you have the opportunity to watch this series on any platform, give it a chance and open your heart.
Oh, take a look at this https://www.buzzfeed.com/noradominick/one-tree-hill-brooke-and-lucas-endgame and my favorite Brucas' video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q31KcFFDT6I&t=175s
19/03 - Chapter 210: We are all in this together
Today was the day we finally had your lab test to see if the liquid you've been drinking is going to the right place and also to check for any possible signs of reflux. We left home early to arrive at the laboratory by 10:45 am because it was quite far away. It was about 1h15 minutes from the apartment to the laboratory. You were watching cartoons on the car's television, so everything went very well.
As we got closer to the laboratory, I parked the car because I thought the lab parking was paid, but when we entered the lab, there was no price list, so I believe the parking was complimentary. Argh... Anyway, I'm not used to such a fancy laboratory giving things for free. Besides, your health plan doesn't cover this laboratory, so we had to pay a total of R$1040 for this exam. But I know the importance of this exam and know that it was necessary to spend this amount. Actually, your grandfather paid for it, you have a lot to thank him in the future for all the vaccines, medications, treatments, health insurance, and school fees he pays for.
As we entered the laboratory, I filled out your form, and then we went to another floor. But the receptionist failed to tell us that we needed to place the paper she generated at the door on the other floor. We waited there for about half an hour until I noticed the delay and finally read that we needed to place the paper generated when we opened the form at the door. I called the attendant and handed her the paper. After a while, we were called, and we started the exam.
First, we were in a small room, which you already panicked upon entering. Now you're traumatized with everything, and I totally understand you being scared. But the doctor was very nice and tried to calm you down. She made your milk and then we were directed to an X-ray room. There, I held you and gave you milk. While you were drinking the milk, you were ingesting the contrast in it, and with the contrast, they could see in real time on the X-ray where the liquid you were drinking was going. And thank God it was going to the right place, you weren't aspirating the liquid, which was most important. After the milk, the doctor tried to give you a cracker and yogurt, but you refused to eat either of them. When you don't want something, there's no one who can make you change your mind. And you love crackers... But unfortunately, we couldn't do the solid food test. But even in the five minutes you lay down after drinking the milk for examination, you had two reflux episodes observed by the two doctors present. So it came out in the exam results as gastroesophageal reflux, which was what I imagined you had, but no doctor wanted to listen to me. Could it be rare? Yes, but you have it. And as I told you, babe, gastroesophageal reflux can cause respiratory changes.
What is this reflux? Remember when I told you that you used to vomit a lot when you were a baby, and then at six months when it stopped after introducing solid foods, we thought you no longer had reflux. It turns out that your reflux never went away; it became silent reflux. We only started to notice that you still had reflux with your choking, especially when drinking water, hiccups, burps, and constant episodes of bronchiolitis. This reflux is a digestive disorder that affects the muscle at the bottom of the esophagus, which is responsible for carrying food to the stomach. This diagnosis affects about 12 to 20 percent of the Brazilian population, not only children but overall, including adults.
Gastric reflux with aspiration of gastric contents can lead to a clinical picture of bronchitis, meaning multiple episodes of this disease. As I told you, reflux can cause respiratory problems, which lead to bronchitis because it irritates the airways, leading to symptoms such as wheezing.
So, daughter, I'm sure that this worsened your entire condition in the hospital. Your aunt Raquel, when she came to visit you, told me that she mentioned this to the doctor, but she said no, that reflux in a baby of your age was very rare, that it wasn't a viable option... Look at that. Seek and you shall find!
There are doctors and doctors. Some doctors order tests, others evaluate only based on what you are saying and describing, etc. But when it's your child and a family member, you try to find answers regardless of the doctor. And that's what I did.
When I was around 3 years old, I had a very serious bronchitis, which was later treated, and I never had it again, except for the episode of Snow Bell's death and that Barcelona episode, the day you went to the hospital. But after a certain age, around six years old, I never had it again. However, at three years old, I was admitted due to bronchitis, and they later found out on the X-ray that I also had pneumonia. I was transferred to another hospital, just like you were in December, and when I arrived at the second hospital after a few days, they realized I had acquired a "hospital infection. I can say that a multitude of casualties almost led me to death. My clinical case worsened and just like you, I was in a very critical condition in the hospital and almost died.
My mother felt what I felt. I think my mother is the only person I know who felt the pain I felt, who came close to losing a child. Of course, not to mention those who actually lost... That pain is another thing; I don't even want to get into that now. But anyway, she felt what I felt in the hospital; I stayed around 10, 12 days, just like you did in December, so it was very similar.
I was very young, but I still have very few memories of that moment. I remember entering a room where there were a lot of children. And I also remember that after leaving the hospital, I was in a car and we stopped somewhere where the back window was opened where I was, and they handed me a doll.
Anyway, I almost died because the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. My parents brought private doctors to the hospital to see if my treatment was correct. They tried several antibiotics, and none of them worked. I know it came down to the last antibiotic, and the doctors told my parents that this was the last antibiotic, and if it didn't work, there would be nothing else to be done. It turned out that this antibiotic worked because it was for staphylococcus, and that's exactly what I had. The doctor who discovered that I had staphylococcus was brilliant, and my father, very grateful to him, gave him a very expensive whiskey at the time as a thank you. And back then, we didn't have good financial conditions.
I believe that many times, there is something more complex that causes that specific condition in children, but often even doctors don't manage to find out what it is. That's why I like the series House so much (it's in my top 5 series and is my 3rd favorite series). Gregory House was a doctor who stood out from the others because he took cases that didn't make sense, which implied that there was something extremely rare or some other condition causing a certain disease. The man was brilliant. And all I could think when you were hospitalized is that three severe cases of bronchiolitis in a row were not normal, and I wish Dr. House were a real person and could take care of your case.
Sigh...
Back to the laboratory story, I left there satisfied that the reflux result showed up. Now, I need to share this news with the millions of doctors I consulted and who are taking care of you to find out what the next steps are and hopefully receive appropriate treatment so that hospitalizations don't happen again.
Leaving the examination waiting room, we went to the cafeteria because your dad wanted to have a coffee. To my surprise, it was a snack bar with even a menu (simple, but there was a menu), and you could choose whatever you wanted from the menu to eat and drink. We got a carrot, chicken, and cream cheese bread for you, orange juice, carrot and chocolate muffin, and a banana. Your dad and I got a chicken pie, muffin, and juice. We were amazed by the laboratory's differential, both in service and in parking, cafeteria... it's no wonder that Fleury is considered the best laboratory in São Paulo. Perhaps in Brazil?
As we left the laboratory, your dad mentioned that we could stop by Ibirapuera Park since we were only 12 minutes away, and as it's a park quite far from where we live, we never have the opportunity to go. We headed to the park, and surprisingly found free parking in the designated spots and entered. The park is huge, and we didn't explore even 3% of the 100% of it. It was terribly hot, very hot, so I was sweating, and you kept asking for water all the time.
PS: Now, when you ask for water, you say: ARF. ARF. ARF. Very cute!!!!!!!
Anyway, you ran around and had fun for a bit, but we soon headed back because it seemed like it was going to rain heavily, and if we returned after the rain, we would encounter double the traffic. The avenue we took to return is already congested and takes quite a while, and with rain, it's simply terrible.
We returned, waited for your grandma to pick you up at the apartment; she picked you up around 5 p.m. and took you to your great-grandma Sonia's place. There you had fun, besides seeing Aunt Rosane and cousin Giovanna after so long. Little by little, your life is returning to normal, after all, that's what we're doing the treatments for, right?
20/03 - Chapter 219: Between the lines of fear and blame
Today we decided to have a picnic near a park close to home. I knew this park was a dump because the last time I went there with my ex-brother-in-law to walk the dogs, there were only sketchy-looking people around (considering there's a small favela nearby, the park was completely taken over by them), and one of them even threatened to steal my dog while we were walking. Rodrigo told us to leave immediately, and so we did, and I never returned to that park again. But every time we passed by it, your dad would say, "I want to check out this park." Even though I told him it wasn't a safe place, especially to take you, he wanted to see it with his own eyes, and so we did.Before we went to the park, we stopped by the bakery and bought cheese bread, other varieties of bread, cornbread, croissants, cake, freshly squeezed orange juice, and some treats. The bill at the bakery totaled over R$100, which surprised both your father and me, but we were only thinking about the enjoyable day we wanted to have, so the cost didn't really matter.
On the way to the park, I missed the entrance to the parking lot, and we ended up behind that favela I mentioned near the park. It was horrible; people were staring at us and at the car, and what was supposed to be a one-minute journey felt like 10 minutes because we were so scared. Your father said it was the ugliest place he had seen in Brazil so far.
After getting out of that mess, we entered the park, and it's so different from Ibirapuera. You don't see anyone jogging, cycling, playing sports, or listening to music on their phones while walking. Instead, you see some kids from the neighboring community playing soccer, we saw a couple, and the woman was pregnant and smoking, and all the guys from the community with their sunglasses, caps, and tough-looking, almost like thugs, which always scares us.
We walked what seemed like an eternity, and we found a place to sit and spread out the picnic blanket. But as soon as we sat down, an ant bit your father, and he wanted to move, thinking about you. I even got mad at him because I thought he was overreacting, but as we kept walking and looking for other spots, we saw that the park was teeming with ant nests everywhere.
We sat in another spot, but there were ants there too, and not only that, but mosquitoes as well. With the dengue mosquito cases on the rise here, we got worried. In this photo, you can see your father trying to kill the mosquito that was on my eye with his hand.
At first, I didn't even notice, but after he zoomed in, I could see that it was a huge mosquito, as he said.
We didn't even get to eat properly; we packed up and left. I blamed your father for not believing me and making me prove to him that the park was horrible and poorly frequented. But as soon as we got back to the apartment, my bad mood passed. I set up the picnic on our balcony, and after a while, you woke up, and we finally enjoyed our day together.
Unfortunately, crime and violence in Brazil make us afraid at every corner and force us to stay indoors. Funny, isn't it? Those who should be behind bars are free, and we, law-abiding citizens who should be free, end up being confined to keep ourselves safe.
Em El Salvador por exemplo, for decades, the small Central American nation of El Salvador was known by numerous gangs reigning supreme through violence and the drug trade. The homicide rate, which spiked to a staggering 107 per 100,000 people in 2015, making El Salvador one of the most dangerous countries on earth, has fallen to just 7.8 per 100,000. Even long-term critics acknowledge that extortion appears to have fallen sharply and that many in communities which lived in terror are enjoying the freedom to live their lives unmenaced. Today, El Salvador is a different country. With the coming into power of the current president Nayib Bukele and his hard-right government, El Salvador is the safest country in Central America. Over the past year and a half, the Bukele government has launched a merciless offensive against the various criminal gangs which were in control of a large swath of the country. No one truly knows how many gang members were killed during these clean-up operations; however, it is safe to say that the number lies in the thousands. The rest, the ones who survived and surrendered to the authorities, were promptly sent to the new supermax prison built by the government specifically designed to house tens of thousands of these hardened criminals. Since his election into power in June 2019, Bukele has kept his campaign promise to make El Salvador the safest country in Central America, and so he did. In recent months, the countries of Guatemala, Honduras, and Mexico have sent numerous emissaries to study the Bukele method, trying to learn how some of these tactics could be used within their respective borders to tackle the criminalization of their own countries. Ecuador, Peru, and Paraguay have also expressed interest.
Imagine if this trend catches on in other countries, the peace that many would feel? Of course, innocent people end up dying here and there, and I call that 'crossfire', because it does end up being a war, but I also think that if the current president of El Salvador hadn't done what he did, many, many more innocent people would have died, and the numbers prove it, after all, El Salvador went from being the most insecure country in the world to one of the safest. So, I'm sure many more innocent people would have died.
Here in Brazil, this will never materialize because, as I said, corruption is deeply rooted, and Brazil is very large territorially, while El Salvador is simply tiny. That doesn't take away from the current president's method, but I say that here, it would take more than decades to be executed.
Nayib Bukele proved that crime, homicides, and traffickers are combated in only one way: by killing or arresting. What we have here of 'human rights' and 'it's because of social differences' actually only aims at criminals. Human rights don't take a stand when a father or mother is shot dead for a cellphone, or when an entire family is butchered by a criminal with an extensive criminal record. They only show up when a police officer invades the favela and kills criminals. And currently, the Supreme Court has banned police officers from entering favelas. How are you going to combat crime and trafficking if you can't enter the place where these activities happen?
The truth is that here, criminal factions pay ministers and politicians, and because of that, one depends on the other, one doesn't want to lose the other. The people who should be thinking about their people and their homeland only think about money. And so, one of the countries that had everything to be the world's greatest power becomes a footnote joke in newspapers.
Of course, social difference exists, and it needs to be improved in some way, but justifying a homicide and a life of crime in that, I find it so cowardly... How many people with difficult and miserable lives are decent, good people, honest people... Being bad is a matter of character for each one, and it's not skin color or economic position that determines that. We have many white-collar criminals too, rich, and whiter than snow. The difference is that some kill directly, while white collars kill indirectly. But they're all criminals. Being a criminal is a choice, not an imposition of the environment.
My hope is Gandhi's words: 'Remember that all through history there have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they seemed invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Always.'
Let's just hope so.
23/03 - Chapter 212: You deserve what you tolerate
Today grandma stayed with you during the day, and when she returned to drop you off, she was a little upset that I complained about you spending all your time in the car. And she said I'm ungrateful. It's not a matter of being ungrateful, but I get very upset. I'm still very bothered by the fact that we had to take you out of the school where you had so much fun, liked so much, and played so much with other children, running around, doing various different activities, having fun, to be confined either with your parents in the apartment or with grandma in the car.
I understand that my mom has to do her chores like going to the seamstress, picking up groceries, making some clothing exchanges that she needs, going to the bank, but I'm sad to know that you have to keep going back and forth precisely because you can't go to school due to your history of hospitalization. I'm not frustrated with her; it's with the situation. Of course, she can't always be having fun with you, taking you home; she has her chores. It's already amazing that she committed to watch you for 4h30 three days a week; few grandparents do that and dedicate so much to their grandchildren; your incredible grandma, incredible, there's nothing to say. But I wish she understood my frustration in knowing that you're confined in the car, watching screens all the time in the car so you won't cry; it's frustrating for a mother to know that you went from running around and having fun to being confined in places you don't deserve. You're a very active child; you need space, to play, to run... It's your nature. You're different from me in that way; when I was a child, I was monotonous. And I still am today.
You know, babe, your dad and I have been working on a plan to move to the United States for quite some time now. Since I started writing your diary, I've been telling you about it, but our plan really solidified after you were born. However, these things are serious and need careful consideration; they can't be rushed, especially when it involves so much money.
But that's not the point. The point is, we're striving and working hard to give you a better life in a better country. But one thing that really saddens me is being far away from my parents. Not only because I love them unconditionally and am deeply attached to them, especially my mother, who was my whole world before you came along, but also because it means taking their granddaughter away from them. You have no idea how much your grandparents love you and how attached they are to you, and vice versa. Your grandfather, I've never seen anything like it. The love you show him is unparalleled; you're his favorite. He's never received such love from anyone else as he does from you. It's not just about him taking you for walks or playing with you all the time; it's something different, something we can't quite explain. If I believed in past lives, as I've told you, I'd think that you two had some connection in a previous life because it's such a strong bond.
You also love your grandmother unconditionally. There was this one day when we were sleeping at your grandparents' house, and in the morning, you woke up crying as if you'd had a nightmare about your grandma, shouting, 'Grandma, grandma.' Your father and I comforted you and put you back to sleep. Many times, when we try to put you to sleep at my parents' house, you insist on your grandma putting you to sleep. You're very attached to your grandparents. I feel somewhat guilty and torn about taking you away from them. But I have to think about you, your safety, and your future. I don't believe you'll have a good future here, and I think you deserve better than Brazil.
But it hurts so much to think that I might raise you far away from my parents. You'll inevitably grow apart from them, and the love will be different; there's no changing that. Unfortunately, distance does that. It puts me in a very difficult situation because I know it's going to hurt a lot. And then there's the support network; we receive a lot of help from your grandparents, and they contribute greatly to raising you, giving your father and me time for ourselves. So moving there will be a completely different experience for us because we won't have help from either side, neither from your father's family nor mine. Despite being in a better place, we'll encounter other challenges, and we'll fight through them. I hope that one day my parents realize that they deserve better than Brazil too, and they decide to leave here, see that some things simply aren't worth it. I firmly believe that you deserve what you tolerate.
P.S.: Your grandma bought you a doll stroller, and now you walk around with it, putting your dolls inside. You're growing up so fast.
25/03 - Chapter 221: I would for you
Today was the day we took you to the pediatric gastroenterology specialist. We've seen her a few times before because when you were a baby, your reflux was quite concerning, but she always seemed very calm, which bothers me a little. And this time was no different, even though the result showed two refluxes in less than five minutes, she said it could be something normal.
She also thinks it's unnecessary to request tests to investigate reflux disease in such a young baby.
Now, I ask you: What if this reflux somehow worsens your condition? I understand that these aren't the best tests to perform on a baby, but isn't it much worse for you to be hospitalized in an ICU, being poked multiple times and in critical condition every time? It's easy not to want to investigate deeply when it's not your child.
The plan now is to take the test results to Dr. Humberto and see if he prescribes reflux medication for you or get his opinion, as I fully trust him.
Afterwards, we went to a private clinic for vaccinations. Your vaccine schedule was a bit behind, such as for hepatitis B, the polio booster dose, etc. These vaccines are available at public health clinics, but do you know why we took them privately? Well, to tell this story, I need to go back a little further.
2019:
COVID-19 is an infectious disease. It all started in December 2019 in China. The disease quickly spread globally, leading to a pandemic declaration. COVID-19 primarily spreads through respiratory droplets when an infected person coughs, sneezes, or talks, and it can also spread by touching surfaces contaminated with the virus and then touching the face. The disease can cause a wide range of symptoms, from mild respiratory symptoms to severe illness and death, particularly in older adults and those with underlying health conditions.
And that's precisely what's so strange about this disease, the unpredictability. Some people contract the disease and don't feel anything, not even a runny nose, while others experience shortness of breath and even thousands of deaths.
Deaths usually, as I mentioned, affect the elderly or people with respiratory, cardiac, or general health problems. But there have been cases, including someone we know closely, who was young, had no underlying health conditions, and ended up succumbing to the disease.
So that always confused me a lot, this lack of consistency. For example, cancer. Some people survive and others don't, but the symptoms, the treatments are always the same. You undergo radiation therapy, chemotherapy, your hair falls out, usually vomiting is persistent, and everyone knows the seriousness of the disease.
Pneumonia, for instance, a lung infection affecting breathing... And I could cite thousands of other diseases that have a specific pattern, specific symptoms. People know what to expect with these diseases. COVID-19 doesn't follow that pattern. How can one person not feel anything, not even know they have the disease, and yet other completely healthy individuals die from the same illness?
Here in Brazil, for example, all businesses closed, people didn't go out unless it was to go to the hospital, pharmacy, grocery store, or something along those lines. There was no more Friday/Saturday nights out, entertainment, parties, bars. No, everyone stayed confined.
My grandmother Sonia, for instance, stayed locked in her apartment for months, alone, afraid of having contact with people.
It was disturbing times for many, many people.
Well, not so much for me because, in fact, right when COVID started, I was going to Barcelona for the first time to visit your father, and then he came to Brazil and quarantined here. So, it was very special months by the side of the person I wanted to be with: him. Moreover, we adopted Simba and Balu who brought joy to our quarantine. And since I'm a homebody, lazy person, who likes to stay at home and rarely go out, I can't say it was horrible for me.
The COVID-19 pandemic has had far-reaching impacts on global health, economies, and societies, causing disruptions to daily life, travel restrictions, economic downturns, and significant loss of life.
But it was a disease with significant worldwide impacts, and that includes the economy as well.
But where I want to get to is the COVID-19 vaccination, which is a very, very controversial topic. Let's dive in: The controversy surrounding COVID-19 vaccines largely revolves around the unprecedented speed of their development. A regular vaccine usually takes 10 years of study to be released. How come COVID vaccine was release so fast? Also, concerns about their safety and efficacy.
The speed of their development for instance... While this speed was achieved through advanced technology, increased funding, and global collaboration, it raised concerns about potential shortcuts compromising safety standards. Some people remain cautious about the vaccines' long-term effects and rare adverse events. But governments and institutions around the world have implemented various strategies to force COVID vaccination, including mandates for certain activities like air travel, school enrollment, and employment. These measures aimed to boost vaccination rates, and "control the spread of the virus". However, such mandates have also sparked debates around individual rights, bodily autonomy, and the balance between public health interests and personal freedoms. Legal and ethical considerations play a significant role in determining the scope and enforcement of mandatory vaccination policies, and approaches vary across different countries and jurisdictions.
But the thing is... Brazil is the first and ONLY country in the world to implement mandatory COVID vaccination for children starting (6 MONTHS PLUS) in 2024.
Why does Brazil insist so much on vaccinating children? It's worth mentioning that children and babies were the least affected groups by COVID-19. Children were rarely severely affected by the virus. So, with so much controversy surrounding the vaccine, especially in recent times when it's debated that the number of sudden heart attacks is increasing and has a connection with the vaccine, why do they want to force children to take something that doesn't pose a significant risk to them? And why aren't other vaccines much more important, like meningitis, which kills, polio, which paralyzes, and many other vaccines mandatory? Why this specific one that doesn't pose as great a risk as so many others? What does the government have behind this? Is someone benefiting? Are children being used as guinea pigs? Population reduction?
Why do so many countries say the vaccine is only recommended for those over 16, and here in Brazil, they want to administer it to BABIES, a vaccine that hasn't had many years of study and its adverse effects are still being studied? Why did the US refuse the vaccine doses and Brazil bought them? Do Brazilian children deserve to be more guinea pigs than American children? Are the lives of Brazilian children worth less?
There are many, many questions. But the fact is: this has been implemented and if we don't vaccinate our children, we won't be able to enroll them in schools, for example. Not only that, but many parents who are refusing to vaccinate their children are being threatened with losing custody of them and are threatened with calling child protective services. What is happening?
Being the first and only country in the world to implement this doesn't seem like a good sign, especially considering that Brazil is not a first-world country.
The only thing I know is that the globally reported mortality rate ranged from less than 1% to over 10%, depending on the location and other factors. The media alarmed people about something that statistically shouldn't have been so alarming. Things blew out of proportion. And while it's true that many healthy people died, the COVID mortality rate was never high. Want a disease that would likely eradicate more than half of humanity in a matter of days? Ebola!
COVID will always be a mystery in many aspects. Your parents got vaccinated. Your father regrets it a lot, I honestly try not to think about it, and I don't like conspiracy theories. But I don't see the need to vaccinate you for this specific disease. Don't get me wrong, I am totally in favor of vaccines, but for the reasons I've explained, I believe this one is not yet 100% reliable to administer to you, my daughter.
We've thought about falsifying the vaccination card, paying a doctor to do it, and various other things. Yes, I would do it for you. I would do anything for you and to protect you. I would do everything that I think is best for you. That's my role. Don't ever forget. I would for you!
26/03 - Chapter 222: Can I go where you go?
I forgot to tell you that over the weekend your grandma surprised both daughters and their husbands, saying she wanted to give a trip to Bahia, including flights and an all-inclusive resort, for both couples. It's very kind of my mother, as I've told you, my mom is an amazing mother. If I become half the mother she was to me, you're lucky. But you'll be lucky anyway to have your grandma by your side. Amen 🙏🏻
Going back to the story, she said Tayna was super happy, jumping with joy, and moved to tears. My reaction was a bit different, first because honestly I don't care about traveling to Brazil. As I told you, I really don't like it here; it's not something I pretend not to like or some kind of whim or victimhood. No. I don't like it here, I pay not to have to stay here, not to have to travel around the country. Second, I don't like the Bahia region in the northeast, the crime rate there is even higher than São Paulo, believe it or not. Third and the biggest reason, this trip would be for the couple to relax, like a little honeymoon, so it would be 4 days for the couple to rest and enjoy the trip with the kids with the grandparents. But the thing is, I can't be away from you for four days. Some nights when you slept at your grandma's. It was already hard for me for just one night; I can't even imagine four. I literally can't be away from you for that long.
For me, it's more like torture than relaxation because I would miss you so much and would be wondering all the time how you're doing and how much longer until we can come back for me to see you. And the fourth and last reason, you spending so much time with your grandparents, your father and I obviously worry about you watching TV and cartoons all the time, besides eating sweets all the time. You know I'm not extreme and I'm always in favor of balance and moderation. But the thing is, your grandpa, he lets you watch TV for over 2 hours, and he gives you more than 10 cookies and candies a day. That's not okay, right? Then I'll have to agree with your father. Actually, not agree because if it were up to him, you wouldn't even watch TV or ever tasted sugar, but I agree that your grandpa goes overboard.
You know, Mel, there's a lot I need to learn as a mother. For instance, I need to learn to be a bit away from you so that in the future you don't become as dependent on me as I became on my mother. And I say this emotionally. I've always been very emotionally dependent on my mother. So, for example, every time I slept away from home, I didn't feel well; I'd get anxious, apprehensive, I'd cry. The only place I felt okay was at Grandma Sonia's 👵🏻, but that's because I was used to being with her every day, so I didn't find it strange when I had to stay the night. But usually, if it went beyond one night, I'd start to miss my mom a lot, and that always harmed me a lot. Both for sleeping away and for doing various things that when you want your daughter not to be so emotionally dependent on her mother, it ends up being better. It wasn't actually my mom's fault; I also believe it's partly personality, because my sister and I were raised the same way, and my sister isn't as emotionally dependent on my mom. In fact, my sister is not emotionally dependent on my mom at all. But it's always good to get used to your grandparents, also because if one day in the future I have another child, I'll have to stay in the hospital for about three days, and you might find it strange, so it's good for you to learn to be a little away from me, but I think actually I'm the one who will have to learn.
But there are many other things I need to learn. For example, sometimes I work myself to death, I spend all day on the computer working on sales, trying to raise more money so that we can open our business in the United States, but at the same time, this takes away the time I have with you. For example, many times you call my attention, want to play, and I don't give you enough attention because I'm there working on something for our future. But I believe that's precisely people's problem; we think so much about the future that we forget to live in the present. And sometimes unfortunately, many people and many stories don't even have a future. No one knows what tomorrow will bring; no one knows if we will really have a future. This life is very unpredictable. So while I want to work to give us all a better life, I also need to try to find a balance and try to make it work by balancing both professional and financial life as well as motherhood. I don't want to miss moments with you; I don't want to be on my phone and computer working while you're asking for my attention to play with you. Sometimes it will be necessary, of course. Especially now that you're not in preschool, I also need to find time for these things, but not all the time. For example, my mom already stays with you three times a week, I can work hard those three times a week, and the other two times we're with you, I can dedicate more time to you. But at the same time, it's complicated because the three times a week I have, we usually go to the grocery store, doctor's appointments, do tests, so it's not possible to reconcile everything. Your withdrawal from school was extremely difficult in our routine. But well, your health is what matters; without health, we have nothing. What I want to tell you is that I still need to learn a lot as a mother, and I'm only halfway there.
28/03 - Chapter 223: Shiny happy people
Today was one of those days when we had to keep you entertained all day in the apartment. However, in the evening, my mother took you to sleep at her and grandpa's house so that the next day she could give you the vaccine you missed, and you would already be there, making it easier. So your father and I had the evening to ourselves. You know how we enjoyed it? We watched a movie, a series, and bought a delicious hamburger, which was sensational, and of course, we woke up late the next day.
But I like those days when I don't have a set time to wake up. However, the next day, despite setting the alarm for 11:00, which is relatively late, I still had a time to wake up, so believe it or not, I woke up tired and sleepy. But I had a hairdresser's appointment. This appointment was scheduled and paid for back in February, but due to the whole situation with the ICU and you being hospitalized, I had to cancel and only manage to reschedule it now. So I couldn't miss this appointment at all because if I canceled it again, since it was already paid for, I wouldn't get the money back or the service provided. So I went there, had my hair blown out and curled wonderfully, and it was a great day to do that since your grandparents were arriving from Barcelona later.
I came back and did some pending chores, managed to watch a series with your dad, and we left early to go to the airport because your grandparents would arrive at peak traffic time. They were supposed to arrive at 6:15 p.m, which meant we needed to leave around 5:00 p.m. to be there by that time. Actually, we left a little later because whenever you disembark from the plane, it takes some time for everyone to disembark, you to get off, go through immigration, and get the luggage. But they didn't have luggage, and since they traveled first class, they would probably be the first to disembark. I know we were late and encountered much more traffic than I expected, especially because it was the eve of a holiday, and we arrived there at 7:30 p.m., more than an hour after they were supposed to land. But they only called about 20 minutes before we arrived, so they didn't wait long.
I just know that the entire way, I played my playlist called "roadtrip", which is a playlist with various songs that I like, from different styles and singers, and I enjoyed this hour and a half of car ride singing and dancing happily, while your dad was busy on his phone and playing, worried about the delay. I just know that I felt inclined to sing and was feeling good; I think the medication finally started to take effect. Of course, I still wake up very tired and sleepy, but I don't feel as anxious or depressed as I was feeling. That's good. I knew the medicine would take some time to take effect, but I think it finally started. I noticed that in the car. And I think I was also feeling good about myself, I was well-dressed, with nice hair, that's good for self-esteem. But I've always been the type of person who doesn't like to wear tight and uncomfortable clothes to feel beautiful; I feel beautiful, but I feel uncomfortable, hot, tight, I just don't like it. I like comfortable things, and although there are fewer comfortable options that enhance your beauty compared to tight clothes, they exist, it's just a bit difficult to find them. But I was feeling good, happy, and soon we picked up your grandparents at the airport and came to serra.
My dad wasn't there; he was working, but when they arrived, your cousin Rafinha was here with my sister and Rafael. We quickly took them to the room to show them where they would stay, and they went to sleep quickly because they had a very tiring trip and were quite exhausted, not to mention the time difference too, which is quite different; in Spain, it's ahead of Brazil.
I was happy that your grandmother brought me macarons. I love macarons and was really missing them. In fact, when I met your dad, he was working at a store called Le Macaron, and they sold macarons. In one of our dates, he gave me a little box with a macaron, which I tried for the first time and fell in love with. Your grandmother brought me two boxes, so I'm very happy.
I know it was a happy day, with happy people. I felt happy, your father for having his parents; and your grandparents for arriving here and seeing their son and beloved granddaughter.
And last night, before going to bed, you slept in a special way. Lately, at bedtime, you want mommy and daddy on either side of you. Yesterday, you were so happy to have both of us beside you (one on each side and you in the middle) that you fell asleep with your arms around each of our heads, turned with your face toward the bed. You slept in a position hugging each of us as if we were teddy bears. Even your father wrote about it in his notes because he was even moved.
29-30/03 - Chapter 224: The crying game
Today, the day dawned full of people at home. First of all, I'm very happy that your grandparents are here enjoying you, and you enjoying them, but of course, I'm also happy for the opportunity to be able to sleep a little more because now your father wakes up and takes you to stay with them, meanwhile, I can take advantage and sleep a little longer.
Today was a holiday for what we call "Holy Week," it's a religious week where you don't eat meat (for the religious) out of respect for the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Because meat symbolizes eating the flesh of Jesus for Christians.
My mother's entire family came, and many people hadn't seen you in a long time, so everyone had a chance to catch up with you. Plus, you had a super fun day playing with your cousin Rafinha.
Something interesting about your paternal grandparents is that they are not shy or embarrassed to be with strangers, they are very social and get along well. An extraordinary characteristic that I wish I had. When I'm in the middle of people I don't know, I feel so small, so ashamed, I can't find a way to fit into that environment, I can't think of how to talk to people I don't know. It's a problem that I dare say I've always had. When I'm with people I know, friends, I feel comfortable, I'm a different person compared to Natascha in an unfamiliar environment.
We had a fun day, and your paternal grandparents went to bed around 8:30 in the evening, which is much better than last time they visited here when they would go to bed around 6:00 in the afternoon. I didn't dare ask if they would do the time zone thing again, neither to them nor to your father, I believe that's none of my business. There are certain things that even if we don't agree with or do the same, we need to learn to respect and try to live in peace and harmony. I've been so good with your father lately that I didn't want to upset him. If he feels better doing it this way, resting and adjusting to the Barcelona time zone, I need to understand.
The next afternoon, we went for a walk in a park near your grandparents' house called Horto Florestal. It had been many years since I had been to this park, and when I went to the hairdresser on Thursday, she told me that the park was great, that it had been privatized and everything was fine, very different from Parque da Juventude. We went, but honestly, I wasn't expecting much, but I was pleasantly surprised. We found parking easily, the park was very clean, we saw a lot of Capybaras, the bathrooms were impeccably clean, which actually surprised me the most, ducks walking freely throughout the park. Very cool. If you want to know, I liked it more than the short time we spent at Ibirapuera Park.
But as we neared the end of our outing, you started to become very fussy. You know that child who just cries, everything is bad... You only complained and cried. We knew it was because you were tired, so we came home, put you in the car, and soon you fell asleep. But the journey from the park to my parents' house isn't very long, so you ended up sleeping very little, and when we arrived home, you started throwing a tantrum again. Your father and I have never seen you behave like this, never. You have always been a good little girl, but today you started throwing tantrums that drive any parent crazy.
You were thrashing around, contorting like a girl from The Exorcist, hitting things, crying for long and endless minutes. Only when your paternal grandfather started playing a little of your toy piano did you calm down. And soon after, your maternal grandfather came and picked you up, put on some cartoons, and apparently, the worst was over. I hope this is just an atypical day and that you don't start behaving like this regularly because dealing with tantrums is quite challenging. And I don't know how you have so many tears inside you. I'll have to give you many glasses of water today because the amount you dehydrated just from crying is no joke.
29-31/03 - Chapter 225: Pour some sugar on me
Easter celebration, for the first time we managed to gather both families, both my father's and my mother's. Amazingly, my godfather Rodney came, something he hardly ever does. Despite the heat, few people went into the pool, only the usual ones: my dad, my mom, your dad, my grandma Celeste, Júnior, my grandpa Wilson, and you and Cauã. Your paternal grandparents even tried to get in, but the water temperature was too cold for them. My dad warmed it up a bit, but not too much because last time he heated it, it was very hot on a hot day and didn't cool down when we got into the pool. But let's say this time it did cool down too, it wasn't super cold but it wasn't warm either, so many people had difficulty getting in, and I'm one of them too.
Rafinha only went into the pool when he arrived, and he was the last to arrive, he didn't even stay in the pool for five minutes because when he got in, he cried a lot, I believe he was cold. So we took you out too because you spent quite a long time in the pool and your little mouth was even turning blue, you were very cold, even though you didn't complain, we saw that you were shivering and your little mouth was turning blue.
After that, you had a lot of fun with your cousin Rafinha, running around while the adults enjoyed a barbecue. I had an Easter bunny outfit for you, complete with a fluffy bunny tail, so it was perfect for Easter, and then when it was time to hunt for eggs, my mom painted your face and Rafinha's, it was adorable.
You are super clever so you were hunting for eggs here and there, you liked hunting for the little eggs and you were so happy with the game.
But as smart as you are, you're also becoming quite stubborn. Lately, when things don't go your way, you throw tantrums, you throw yourself on the ground, you scream. You've always been so sweet, but now your personality is starting to get stronger and stronger. But all I know is that everything got worse after your paternal grandparents arrived, much to your father's dismay, because it seems like we're not raising you well, but that's not the case. But to someone looking from the outside for the first time, that's what it seems like.
You ate about two small chocolate eggs, and a Kinder egg. After that, your father asked to stop and no one gave you any more. I think it was enough too, especially because you're not used to chocolate.
Your uncle Júnior made a four-kilogram egg, with half of it being Nutella and the other half Prestige. Everyone enjoyed it, except for your paternal grandma, who doesn't eat sugar at all.
And that's okay, people need to learn to respect that more. She herself came to say that she is outraged that everyone thinks she doesn't eat sugar because she's afraid of getting fat, when in fact she doesn't eat sugar because she likes it. And it's hard for people to understand that something so many people enjoy, one person doesn't eat at all. It's like someone saying they don't like pizza, for example, or french fries. We're so used to seeing people loving that kind of food, that when we see someone who doesn't like it, we can't understand how, but people are different and have different tastes, and that's okay.
Later, I had a debate with your grandpa Armand talking about the situation I wrote to you about a few chapters ago regarding El Salvador, and your dad also participated. Your grandfather is against, for example, in the situation of El Salvador, some innocent people ended up dead or imprisoned. Your father can see both sides, but I am of the following opinion: El Salvador was practically living in a war with gangs and criminal factions, in every war there are collateral effects and innocent people die on both sides. For example, the situation in Israel, which was attacked by the terrorist group Hamas. I don't want to get into the details here because I don't have enough knowledge of this war and the things behind it, but what I know is that the terrorist group one day in October 2023 started killing Israelian women, pregnant women, men, children, and babies, and dashed the heads of babies. It was horrible. Obviously, Israel then defended itself and bombed Gaza, and thousand of innocents also died. It's a sadness, it's a horror. There are no winners in wars.
Although they wanted to kill only the terrorist group, many innocent victims ended up being killed because of it. In other words, every war has its losses. Now, about El Salvador, it was an internal war in the country itself, the current president to put everything in order, arrested and had to kill several members of gangs and criminal factions, surely some innocents died because of it, which is very sad, but wouldn't it be much worse to leave the country ranked as the most dangerous country in the world and thousands of innocents die every day? How many innocent lives would have been lost if nothing had been done? Of course, we don't want any innocent blood shed. It's terribly sad, but innocents were dying in droves every day, murdered, raped... So, it's also a mathematical question. It's horrible to say "mathematical question," but the scale was much greater in the hands of criminal factions. And besides, there's a difference, the factions and gangs killed for pleasure, they wanted to kill those people, their intention just like that of the Hamas terrorist group, was to irrationally hurt those people. While Israel, and the president of El Salvador, were targeting bad people, defending themselves, and unfortunately ending up without innocent lives, but not because they wanted to, by accident, and by being part of a war. No one was happy that they died.
The point is that El Salvador paid its price to rid itself of criminals and today is one of the safest countries in the world. It was a high price to pay, but wouldn't the price have been infinitely higher if that state of calamity were still reigning?
So those were very fruitful conversations. Your father also had a very interesting conversation with Débora about religion, for example. It's really great to discuss controversial subjects with someone who has an open mind and enjoys debating without getting angry or offensive, which is very important. However, when you delve into a controversial subject that you are personally involved in, then it's more difficult to have a conversation because you take it personally. For example, let's say someone is in favor of gun ownership because they lost a parent to a murderer who broke into their home and killed them with a gun. That person is in favor of gun ownership because they believe that if their parents had a gun to defend themselves, things might have been different. That person lived through that controversial issue, so if someone disagrees with what they say, they will indeed get upset, they will indeed offend or feel offended, and they will take it personally, which is normal.
Let's say someone had an abortion for whatever reason, and someone else is completely against abortion, thinking that those who have abortions are bad people. The conversation won't be fruitful because that person either lived through or is living through a different reality. So it's harder to discuss controversial topics when someone lives or has lived that reality. It's the same for me. Talking about Salvador and debating some political things, we get into the topic of sugar, whether it's because today is Easter or not, I never know, what I do know is that I tried to debate with your father, I live this reality of sugar, so I can't be as impartial, but it annoys me because he always brings up the subject and it's something that for me, no matter how many times we discuss it, he won't change my mind and I won't change his mind. But he thinks I can't discuss because I get upset in this argument, and I do get upset, but it's exactly because of the examples I gave you above, I live this reality.
So it's a subject we've argued about several times, especially when he compares sugar to cocaine. Cocaine is one of the most addictive drugs and it causes a lot of deaths worldwide, so many people suffer, so many families suffer not only from theft but also from violence, so comparing the two for me is very irrational. Sugar is a vice that only harms you, if consumed in excess, whereas cocaine is a vice that not only harms the person using it, the user, but also their entire family, so to me, there's no comparison. How many people in the world use sugar in their food, on their tables, or wherever, and live a normal life? Now, how many people use cocaine daily and live a normal life? So, it's something that, to me, doesn't even compare, but in his mind, it does, and that's okay, but discussing it with me, I don't feel comfortable because I am a sugar user, and I find it absurd for him to compare it to cocaine, but again because I live this reality and deal with this controversial subject, I feel more uncomfortable debating it.
I believe that everything done in excess can lead to addiction, but not everyone who, for example, eats sugar is addicted to it. However, there are many people who eat sugar and are indeed addicted to it. Another example, many people can go to Las Vegas and gamble without becoming addicted, while others cannot because they suffer from this addiction. Another example, something that most adults have tried or practice, but it doesn't mean that adults who engage in anal sex are addicted to sex, but there are people who are indeed addicted to sex. My point is, not everything that brings pleasure or releases endorphins, serotonin, or dopamine addicts everyone. Some people get addicted to something while others don't, and vice versa. And that's what I try to debate with him, but in vain.
Actually, there's even a condition called orthorexia, which is when a person becomes obsessed with eating only healthy foods. I'll talk a bit about the subject with you, after all, I write a diary for you that is a book, and every book is knowledge, right? Even textbooks, stories, and fantasy books, they expand your vocabulary, you start using and understanding words in your daily life that you didn't before reading. All books are important.
So let's talk a bit about orthorexia:
Orthorexia nervosa is a term used to describe a problematic obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy. It's increasingly acknowledged as a pattern of disordered eating. Individuals with orthorexia become fixated on the quality and purity of their food choices, often to the detriment of their overall well-being. One factor that can contribute to the development of orthorexia is the cultural phenomenon of demonizing certain foods. In recent years, there has been a growing trend of labeling foods as "good" or "bad," "clean" or "dirty," based on their nutritional content. This dichotomous thinking can lead individuals to develop rigid rules around food, where they only allow themselves to eat foods deemed "healthy" while completely avoiding those labeled as "unhealthy" or "toxic." Social media, wellness influencers, and popular diets often perpetuate this demonization of certain foods by promoting restrictive eating patterns and advocating for the exclusion of entire food groups. Terms like "clean eating," "detox," and "superfoods" further contribute to the idea that certain foods are superior to others, fostering an environment where individuals feel pressure to adhere to strict dietary guidelines in pursuit of health and purity. While there's certainly value in promoting nutritious eating habits, the problem arises when this pursuit of health becomes all-consuming and begins to negatively impact one's physical and mental well-being. It's important to recognize that a balanced approach to nutrition is key to overall health and well-being. Rather than demonizing specific foods, emphasis should be placed on moderation, variety, and flexibility in food choices.
Carbs are not bad. Fats are not bad. Protein is not bad. Heck even indulging sweets are not bad. I seriously hate that we’ve started demonizing foods. That we’ve labeled foods as “bad” or “off limits.” Indulging and not stressing may do more for your health than stressing over avoiding those certain foods.
Getting results is about consistency and balance and I will repeat that everytime I need to.
So, babe, that's it. Perhaps I need to improve in this aspect of debating and try to be more impartial even though I live this reality of this more controversial subject. In life, a debate is very healthy. Understanding and comprehending the other person's perspective, as well as explaining your own, are very important aspects of dialogue and human evolution. Besides the knowledge you gain from conversing with another person, the doubts you have are clarified in the conversation itself.
