To my daughter Melanie (February, 2023)

  01/02 - Chapter 13: High IQ, Failing a subject, New Skill

We enter February. Yay. Today was a peaceful day, just like yesterday. But yesterday nothing happened and today you were breastfeeding by yourself… with your foot. That's why I thought it was important to comment

My love, I think you will be very smart. Your grandparents have very high IQs and your paternal great-grandfather was a genius with a very high IQ. And we can see in few things how smart and intelligent you already are. Not to mention that your numerology also says that you will focus too much on studies and work (your numerology is available on my Drive, Melanie's folder). There it says that you tend to the following professions: IT,Law,Architecture, Engineering and Politics (please, don't get into politics, at least not in Brazil, corruption will never end and you deserve better). I would love to see you as an architect or engineer, professions that I never had the ability to do. Not because I'm dumb, I'm smart tbh, but architecture, which involves drawing and engineering, which involves math skills, I always been very bad at it. In high school there was a subject called GEOMETRIC DRAWING, I never got more than grade 2 (out of 10) on the tests, I even had to drop that school in the middle of the year because of THIS subject. I'll never forget... I've always been HORRIBLE with drawings, always. On the other hand, ur father is a drawing GENIUS, that's why he is a graphic designer. He draws very well and his drawings are wonderful. So, if you're an architect, you'll get the skills from him. But I’ll love you and support you in whatever profession you want to pursue.

EVERY profession deserves to be respected, EVERY profession is WORTHY. But make no mistake, money is important YES, and it makes life a lot easier. And if your financial life is good, please don't forget about CHARITY and helping others whenever you can. I've always helped and I want to teach you the importance of this. Your father and I help others and our hearts are always in the right place when it comes to charity.

When we have money, we always think we need to save more to get other things. "Oh, I can't spend it, I have to save up to change the car, buy a bigger house, buy an apartment to rent, a fancier handbag." We always need things we don't have yet, but remember that we can have a lot and still help those in need. Helping others is very important, dear. If you can, visit orphanages, make donations (even small ones), help buy food for someone in need, visit an nursing home, adopt a stray animal, or rescue to find a home for it, be part/join groups that help others. Be the difference in the world and make this world a little better just by existing. You already make my world much better, I'm sure you'll still make a lot of people. I love you daughter.

Here’s the video of you drinking your milk with your foot!

 02/02 - Chapter 14: No break

Today was a very hard day, me and your father working, your grandfather busy and your grandmother taking care of your cousin and you didn't sleep ONE MINUTE, Mel. You even tried twice, but every time we put you to bed, you woke up. And at night it was hard too, every time you spit out the pacifier you cried and woke up. This has happened a few times but not often. And since you stayed awake the whole time, you just wanted to be breastfed. I had to defrost another milk. At the beach where everything was so messed up with the milk, I managed to get around the situation, and here back home where I thought things would go back to normal, I'm having to defrost milk supply every day. There are only a few more packages. I don't know how many more days I will be able to avoid the formula. I'm fighting, but it feels like the battle is coming to an end. I even ate oatmeal :( I’m sorry babe. I really wanted to breastfeed you until at least 6 months.

 03/02 - Chapter 15: A house for my baby

Yesterday was difficult but today you make it up to me. Although we went to the registry office today to transfer the land to your name (not a fun trip) on the way back you slept several times and for the first time you breastfed every 4 hours, which is the ideal. I WAS SUPER HAPPY, and my milk increased a little today, I don't know if it was the oatmeal or coincidence. But today was a great day! Thank you <3

And by the way, lactation tea arrived today (to increase breast milk). Let's see if it helps!! (fingers crossed)

 04/02 - Chapter 16: We're going to Disney! - Baby sack

Today mommy couldn't even stay with you much because apart from the big job I’m working on (which I want to deliver by Wednesday in order to Thursday travel to Ubatuba) I was too stressed with the tickets from Orlando. We didn’t buy the tickets before because we wanted to check the houses first (and thank god we didn’t bc we were about to buy from April 3-17 and those dates are way more expensive so we’ll go 17-30). But since we checked the last time, the price of the miles has doubled. What a joke, even more today that I had found the PERFECT HOUSE at an affordable price.

What did I do? I booked the house anyways so we wouldn't miss it. On Monday we'll try to buy the ticket again because your father said it the price goes up on weekends. Let's hope that this week we can buy it, if not, we'll buy it in cash. Then the family from your grandma’s side arrived to celebrate your great-grandma’s bday and we made pizza. You ended up sleeping well at night. Then I took you to bath u, but you weren't very happy as usual (you love bath time, just like ur dad) and it took a lot of work to get you to sleep because you weren't sleepy (since you slept a lot at night). And tonight for the first time you’re sleeping with your baby sack/sleeping bag. Hopefully it will work.

05/02- Chapter 17: Discovering your feets - How to kill fishes - Return of a friendship

The sleeping bag did not work as I expected. Well today you came back with the habit of putting your feet up, so you woke up several times. At the feeding at 7:30/8:00 that you moved to 6:30, I changed you and put the old bag (it was thanks to him that you stopped moving your leg the last time) and it worked better, but now nobody holds you back, you keep ur feet up catching your foot the whole time.

Today your grandpa was sad because yesterday he changed the water in his aquarium and as it was very dirty he cleaned it with chlorine. Then with the meter he verified that the water was free of chlorine but it turns there was chlorine in the sand... When he put the fishes in, after half an hour or so 3 died and one struggled for hours (your grandfather took him out and put it in another aquarium m) but even fighting so hard it was already too late. Sad. 3 of them had been around here for years!

Matheus and Marcela finally came to visit you, after almost 4 months. But better late than never. I should have taken a picture of the two of them with you today to post here, but I forgot. I don't know how long they will remain in your life...

Do you know how your father met Matheus? When your father was living here in Brazil, trying to see if he would stay here permanently with mommy, we went out one day and went to the açaí shop because ur father had never eaten açaí. Arriving there, Matheus was in charge of selling the açaís. Ur father asked to try a few things and Matheus brought several small açaís with different things for him to try and he loved the service and Matheus. So, when it was time to leave, ad told him he really liked him and if they could change the whatsapp number to hang out someday. And that's when a friendship began between them, and they adore each other, they look like two dorks together. And then I met Marcela, Matheus' girlfriend. I think Marcela is the most beautiful woman I've ever met in person, beautiful, beautiful. We got along really well and started seeing each other every weekend to eat and play games (mainly board games). Your dad and I love board games (we hope to play with you) and it's hard to find someone who enjoys too. We even slept one day in Marcela's apartment on the Ibirapuera side, but then little by little (as they work a lot) we lost touch.

In your pregnancy, your father left when I was almost 3 months pregnant, and that's when I pretty much lost the contact with them. Marcela even sent messages from time to time, and I even went to their house one day after her father was gone, but it was strange but it seems that when we become mothers, we become protectors of our creatures, and the baby shower website was something that surprised me a lot. I managed to raise almost 10,000 reais in gifts (and in fact I used the money to buy that specific gift that the person gave, I didn't want money, I bought the products because there was still a lot to buy and it was me alone) Anyway, the website I made for the baby shower surprised me a lot... but with people I didn't expect. ALL of my clients from the sales group (and from the "Corrente do Bem" group) bought gifts for you, babe. I wasn't expecting anything from them (maybe a message on the website) and many bought gifts of 100, 150, 250, 350 reais (believe it or not) Blew my mind. And there was a day I was really emotional to see how people were being sweet to us. On the other hand, from the family, relatives, cousins, and even friends (Matheus and Marcela were one of them) not a single gift or message on the site. It's not even for the value, you know? It's for consideration. The surprise of whom you expect nothing and the disappointment of those you expect everything.

Babe,after I started applying the following phrase: "It's better not to expect anything from anyone and might be surprised, than to expect and be disappointed" my life got better. I expected a lot from others and always ended up disappointed. Now that I don't expect anything anymore, I'm not disappointed and sometimes I have some pleasant surprises. The baby shower website was a pleasant surprise. Life is better that way. Avoid disappointment. Also, try to be a good if you can. Cherish others, and do to others what you would like them to do to you, and DO NOT do to others what you would NOT want them to do to you. I have always applied these two phrases in my life. Do it too!

06/02- Chapter 18: One year of you!

My love, today is exactly ONE YEAR since I got pregnant. Yes, I know and remember the exact date, and that's why today is such a special day for me. Many people (most) don't know the day they got pregnant, it's something rare (rarity suits you). I decided to throw a tiny party at home for some dear people to celebrate this day. Sounds silly, but to me it's not. You were my little miracle, and do you know why? Well, I always dreamed and wanted to have children. And mostly I always dreamed of being the mother of a little girl. Sweety, I had already chosen your name since I was 15/16 years old after reading the book "The Host". I already liked this name, but after reading the book I was sure that was the name I wanted... But well...

When your father and I were living together, trying our lives in Brazil, out of curiosity I asked him to do a spermogram to see if we could have children in the future, if we so decided. He agreed (I think he was also curious to know). And to our surprise, when the result came out negatively, we were shocked. The result practically said that your father was sterile and would struggle in the future to have children.

We consulted a urologist who detected that ur father had a varicocele, and that he would need surgery to be able to be a dad in the future. That without surgery, it would be PRETTY MUCH IMPOSSIBLE to be a dad, and IF it happened, the chances of an abortion were high. It TERRIFIED me. But since your father didn't plan to be a father soon (or with me - I'll talk about our relationship when I think it's the right time, later on) he wasn't planning to have the surgery. I always protected myself, I took the contraceptive correctly, but as the results were altered, I stopped using the contraceptive. And then it happened.... The thing that was pretty much impossible. You came to show that nothing is impossible. When I found out about you, it was a day full of emotions... I was about to go for gynecological exams, but as I was 2 weeks late, I decided to do the pregnancy test, WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS because I knew the impossibility of pregnancy with your father, I just did it to be responsible. When I peed on the stick, I didn't see anything, but your dad insisted he saw a little pink line. I didn't care, but he kind of "insisted". So, without much patience and with zero hope, I went to the pharmacy to buy another one. And as soon as I peed on the stick, the plus sign appeared (+): positive. Discredited, I went to another pharmacy and bought 3 more tests, one of them being the super expensive one that shows how many weeks the person is pregnant. As soon as I peed, it flashed pregnant and it was carrying how long: 2-3 weeks. To this day I don't know why I didn't keep that toothpick... Daughter, it was a mixture of joy, fear and despair, because the first thing that came to my mind was: "IF by chance the unlikely pregnancy happens, the chance of an abortion is high". And the despair in knowing that the chances of losing you were great? I already loved you so much... Just thinking about abortion hurt my heart and made my whole body numb. Was a second miracle about to happen? YES! Ur father that day was appalled. He wasn't ready to be a father and he didn't want to be a father, after all the chance of him leaving Brazil was great, I think he had already decided to leave... But his reaction wasn't as bad as I expected. .. Well, only in the first day. In the 1st day, he even made small jokes when my mother arrived at the apartment to talk to me. On the other hand, on the 2nd day, he freaked out, he thought I had done it on purpose or something (I hadn't), but I don't blame him either because I always wanted to have a child, and I asked to take the exam, went to the doctor... .it looked bad, I give him that, but you really were a miracle and I wasn't expecting you AT ALL. But since the 1st moment I loved you. so. much. But anyway, daughter, I think it's not yet time to go into the depth of the story with your father. All I know is that today, 06/02 to celebrate exactly 1 year of pregnancy, I had a cake at home and invited aunt Rosane, Giovanna, grandma, great-grandmother, and mom's friends: Girleide, Rafaela and Karina. It was fun, a nice night, only your father must have felt out of his element among the women.

We had a little bit of a problem with the cake tho...

08/02- Chapter 19: Disney, here we go!

The only news of the day was that we bought our tickets to Orlando. Yay. Ur grandpa was able to buy his and grandma's with miles, and the flights went down a bit ($). I was very happy because the day before I was out of patience and I almost bought it more expensive. Now let's hope that when ur passport arrives, I'll be able to change your details. But to make sure, I called Latam, they assured me they could fix after, so I RECORDED them saying that, and got the protocol number.

LET'S GO TO DISNEY, BABY! Can not wait.

09/02- Chapter 20: Not another fight...

Today, it's trip day. Mommy rented an apartment for us to stay in Ubatuba, and since grandpa and grandma decided to go with us, we waited for them... However, your godmother - AGAIN - fought with your uncle Rafael and your grandma was depressed AGAIN. This story seems like it will never end and your aunt, she doesn't learn... I already gave up, my sister will NEVER change. In addition to affecting her life, it also affects everyone's lives around her, but she doesn't care ... she's killing my parents little by little and doesn't even notice, or doesn't care at all.

I love my sister, but it seems like she's never going to grow up, she's never going to mature, and she's never going to get her shit together. Apparently - and for now - all that matters in her life is her unhealthy obsession for Rafael, funk music, favela, and narguille. This is her world. And all that matters to her. She was extremely happy when you were born, anxious, passionate, even emotional, but it seems that since then, things have changed a lot... And not because she doesn't love you, but she has other priorities...

Anyway, because of this fight, we left the house very late. Our check-in was supposed to be at 5 pm, that is, leaving home at 1:30 pm we would arrive on time. Do you know what time we left? Almost 7pm.... First, we stopped by your cousin Rafinha who was turning 9 months old. Unfortunately, the trip was booked right at his party, but I didn't even remember when I booked it. I just remembered that I wanted to stay with Raquel on the same days as she (that's why I booked this trip, so we could stay with auntie Raquel - I'll talk about my friendship with her soon). My sister kind of rubbed it in my face (she said it jokingly, but every joke has a grain of truth) that Larissa is more Rafinha's aunt than I am, that she deserved to be his godmother. And I agree, she deserves it. She manages to be there and take care of him much more than I can. But you were born right after him, that's the only reason I take less care of him. I love him as much as Larissa. But I also think that, in this case, she should be the godmother.

Going back to Ubatuba subject.. We took the road and arrived AFTER MIDNIGHT in Ubatuba. An EXTREMELY TIRED trip. And I was nervous and irritable the whole way because guess what? Next to the Tucuruvi subway, ur grandpa shouted at a pedestrian who was crossing in the middle of the avenue: "Go cross at the crosswalk"... As soon as he shouted at the guy, the traffic lights turned red a little further ahead. I thought: "That's it, the guy will come here and shout at my dad". I felt in my guts. I asked your daddy to look in the rearview mirror to see if the guy was coming, but he didn't mind. Meanwhile I was rooting for the light to turn green. Well... a few minutes later the guy comes to sort of take satisfaction with grandpa. But first he apologized... Grandpa started to get nervous and yell, and so did the guy... Your grandpa was already taking off his seat belt to get out of the car and everyone start to yell. Grandpa. The guy. Me. Grandma.... It's been many years since your grandfather got into fights, I have so many TRAUMAS I've witnessed and honestly I don't know how he's still alive till this day, but I have real traumas with that. And after so many years, in less than 3 weeks two of these situations happen. I shouted that I would never travel with him again.

The light changed and he left with the car, but not before almost getting out of the car and getting into a physical fight with a stranger. What makes me very angry is that when he gets nervous he goes blind. How did he not consider us? Don't he think he have a 3 month old baby in the car? That the other person might be dangerous and be armed, putting the whole family in danger? That makes me VERY ANGRY. He didn't think about us, his own granddaughter. Don't get me wrong, he's a great grandpa and he's in love with you, loves you so much.. but when he gets nervous, he goes completely blind. It's insane. I was extremely upset and that only made me understand two things:

1) I want AND I WILL leave Brazil with you. I can't stand to live with this anxiety any longer, thinking I can be shot by anyone, much less with you in the car.

2) It's time to stop thinking only about my parents, since when the situation gets ugly, he doesn't think about me or you. I love my parents more than anything, but it's time to think about your safety, and put you first. Here it's not a good place to live.

After all that stressful day and a nearly 5 hour trip, you slept the ENTIRE way. I can only pray you sleep at night. I think you'll stay awake (hopefully not) because me and your dad are exhausted.

10/02- Chapter 21: CAPETA and Nutella Cone Ice Cream

You won't believe... you slept all night!!

After we arrived, I breastfed, interacted a little with you and at 3 am I put you to sleep, and I had decided that this night I would not wake you up to breastfeed to see what time you would wake up by yourself. You woke up at 10:20. That is, even sleeping all night in the car, you slept more than 7 h straight.

Oh love, I won the lottery with you. That's why I woke up in a good mood and seeing that you wake up at practically the same time as when you wake up even when I breastfeed u for the first time, I decided that from now on I wouldn't wake you up anymore. Now you would decide what time to wake up. Yay. Big step! You are growing up, my love. As today Aunt Raquel went for a boat trip, and I didn't want to go because I thought you were too young to go on a boat (if something happens to the boat then what? A life jacket wouldn't help). So we went to another beach. We went to a beach called "PRAIA GRANDE" in Ubatuba, very famous. Arriving there, we even looked for a kiosk to stay but it was PACKED. Your father and I have never seen a beach as crowded as that one. It wasn't comfortable, you know?And your grandpa... the more people around - at least lately - more dangerous it is. So we decided to go back & stay on the beach in front of the apartment, even though it was an ugly beach. We came back, and it was the best decision. Tranquility. Empty beach. We put your foot in the sea for the first time, we ate well... At this kiosk it was the best fries I've ever eaten on the beach.

(because the fries from beaches are just not crispy and floppy), I asked them to make the potato very crispy (just like I love) and they they did,it was delicious. I also ordered a "bolinho de carne seca",excelent,and we ordered a drink called CAPETA (me and your grandma) but we didn't like it, despite the ingredients being all wonderful, the drink was strong. We left almost everything.

At the beginning, the few people who were there, they were all enjoying musics that a family at the back of the beach was playing on the speaker. mixed, old, and delicious music to listen to. Until the young asshole son of the family starts to play funk. Mel, I hope you have a good taste in music and don't like funk. Your father's family loves classical music, they even own an opera house, many play the piano... I hope you like good music like them. Mom likes it too, although I listen to almost everything. But I don't listen to funk. I think it's so ugly... So vulgar... You can listen and like different types of music, but funk is not music, it's just noise... There are some songs that touches your heart, and makes you shiver, some even make you want to cry. These are the most beautiful songs. But of course it's not cool to just listen to classical music or music that always touches your heart. Everything has a time and place.

If you are sad, you will probably listen to melancholy songs. You are driving around, in a roadtrip, happy, you will probably listen to happy music. You go to a club, you're probably going to listen to techno, club music. If you're dancing, you will probably listen to music suitable for dancing.

You have a baby, you will probably put on a lullaby. Music has the right time, place, and environment. Enjoy.

I hope you play the piano, it's an instrument I've always wanted to learn and it's so beautiful. I only learned a little bit of guitar, but it's pretty good too. You have giants fingers (at least now for a baby, everybody says) so piano is very suitable for you.

After spending a nice day at the beach, we went back to the apartment, showered, changed and went to see his aunt Raquel. Except your grandpa who wanted to stay at the apartment sleeping. We got there, and it was raining. We went with rain even to the restaurant that Raquel's family was and right next to the restaurant there was an Italian gelateria. We sat there to wait for her and her family and to be able to sit there, we had to order an ice cream.

I thought it was expensive, 16 reais for the small ice cream, with 2 scoops.

I asked to try the ferrero rocher flavor and I didn't like it very much. I asked to try another one that I don't remember now but I also didn't like it very much... So I gave up, the only one who order one was your father. There was an option to pay 9.00 extra and choose to put Nutella in the entire ice cream cone, I told your father that since I was paying him to get the simplest ice cream, that is, without Nutella.

And one thing you need to know about your dad: he loves to eat, but he likes savory dishes not sweet. He and his whole family don't like sweets very much. His mother, your grandmother, eat only dark chocolate. Once when I went to Barcelona, I saw her eating a 90% chocolate bar... Going back to your dad, he doesn't like dark chocolate, but the only chocolate he loves is Nutella. He loves eating Nutella with bread (he's French and doesn't deny it). He ends up with a big jar of Nutella in a few days if we allow it. Anyway, later I felt remorse for not having let him eat the nutella cone, but too late.

Afterwards, my mother said that she would order an ice cream and for me to order one too, and that she would pay (besides that I did not like the 2 flavors that I tasted, one of the other reasons was money, paying for me and your father would be very expensive and this month my salary was crap, below 900 reais - it doesn't even pay all the bills) but I am unlike your father, I LOVE chocolate, I LOVE it. I love it too much tbh... I hope you are a balance between me and your father. And since my mother offered to pay, I went to try again other flavors. I tried Ninho with Nutella and I loved it, it was just like Bacio de Latte. Then I tried walnuts (Nozes), and I loved too. So I chose the 2 + the nutella cone. Wow!! Your dad got so mad that I took the nutella cone and he didn't (not really mad, but shocked), and he stole a good chunk of my cone. When he saw that Nutella didn't just have the outside of the cones, but the inside as well, he said: "It's like a dream coming true" and that I took that away from him. LOL

Your dad is funny most of the time. But he didn't consider that I gave him preference over me to buy the ice cream. Huh. So I told him and he ended ep thanking me later.

Then your aunt Raquel left the restaurant she was eating and went to hug you straight away. Now, to all my friends you are more important than me hahaha. She had you on her lap the whole time and then shared just a little bit with her sister. We stayed talking for a little over 1 hour, then we walk a bit in the center of Ubatuba, we stopped at a place to buy beirut and esfiha.

Then we stopped at the grocery store to buy things for breakfast. And as usual, your grandma took TOO LONG at the grocery store. Your grandma at the groce story is hopeless, even if it is to pick up ONE item, she will take a LONG time. Then, we finally went to the apartment, and your grandpa was still SLEEPING. He woke up just to eat the beirut, and then went back to sleep until the next day.

Something very important that I forgot to mention today is that unfortunately I had to start introducing formula. It was hearbreakingfor me. When your father gave you the bottle with formula, you were shocked, made an ugly face, and you took the bottle away a few times, which made me happy, it was clear that you wanted mommy's milk.

I'm sorry, daughter, I really tried a lot. I just didn't bring the few packets of frozen milk left over because if we didn't need to use it (like in Caraguá) it would a waste of milk and we can't afford that. But I should have brought it, so I wouldn't need to have introduce formula. I just hope it doesn't hurt you, that it doesn't give you colic or constrict your intestines. It was just one bottle, hopefully tomorrow we won't need it.

11/02- Chapter 22: Pees in a Water Bottle and Smacking a Mosquito

You slept perfectly well today, which was a relief because of the formula. We woke up the next day, late for a change, and Raquel had already been on the beach since 9 am. We got there after 1:30 pm, damn, your family is hopeless.

Getting there to Praia do Félix was pretty quick, what it took a while was finding a place to park, the beach, being Saturday, was PACKED. Even a parking lot that was paid and they were charging R$50.00 (very expensive) was full. We drove, drove, drove, and then we found a parking lot for R$30.00 (Yay, even better) and there was even a bathroom.

Right in front of the parking lot where we stopped there was a kiosk and several trees, with plenty of shade, so in order to prevent you from sunbathing (like the last time) we stayed there. Meanwhile, my parents went for a walk on the beach looking for Raquel and her family to join us, and 10 minutes later, she found us and we spent a very nice day on the beach, talking, eating.

Your dad even managed to get me to swim a bit in the sea (despite the waves being pretty rough on that part of the beach, and there is a big DANGER sign) but we swam, and I had fun. Then, unfortunately it started to rain, but even so we stayed another hour with rain.

At one point you got hungry and again my boobs were empty, I had to, unfortunately, give you another bottle of formula. Apparently it would be the new normal. I was sad again. Second day with formula.

In the end, when it was time to settle the bill, a total of R$ 300.00 was left, your grandpa paid for the Pastels that Raquel's family asked for and did not want to charge them. Your grandpa, today, because in the past he was very humble, has a very good economic life, and he is not a miser, cheap, he is a person who is not materialistic, does not put money in the first place and thinks a lot about others. Although he earns good money, he is not attached to it. A very good quality. Then, we agreed to keep in touch for the next day and went back to the apartment.

During the car trip we got into some traffic and ur grandpa after drinking a lot of beer wanted to pee (he can't drink beer bc he always wants to pee badly) and we couldn't stop because he was on the road. Your father jokingly gave him an empty bottle of water and what did he do? PISSED RIGHT THERE, IN THE BOTTLE. Jesus Lord... Then he terrorized your grandma by telling her to hold the bottle.

Finally we arrived at the apartment. While you stayed with your grandparents, your father and I went to the pool for a bit to relax, even with the rain. The adult pool was very deep and a little cold. Then we gave up, but we put our feet in the other pools that were shallower, and they were heated, very warm. We stayed there for a while, went up to the apartment, ate a hamburger and went to sleep.

Just before going to sleep, I was writing here in your diary and I heard your father killing something with his slipper. It was such a loud noise that it scared me and scared you, I even fought with him and he said: - Sorry, it was a huge mosquito, I had to kill it.

12/02- Chapter 23: Surfing, Katsaridaphobia and Airbnb

Today I decided to wake up at dawn to pump milk to have more milk supply and try not to give you more formula. I woke up at 4 am, very tired, and managed to pump some milk. Then you woke up at 7 (which doesn't usually happen) and I was even more tired.

You didn't want to sleep, I put you on the bed, I lay beside you, peting you, waiting for u to fall asleep, and then I put you in the crib. Turns out I fell asleep too, and we ended up sleeping in bed together until 10:40 am. It was very nice to wake up with you from my side but I want to avoid sleeping with you in bed. As nice as it is, I don't want to get you used to sleeping in bed. I see many reports of mothers who started like this, the kid passed the age of 10 and still sleeps with his parents in bed.

My sister and I were never like that so I don't want to get you used to that either. I want you to enjoy sleeping in your little room, with your freedom. We can sleep together in the afternoon, take naps together, but sleeping at night I don't want to get used to you.

When we woke up, I received a text from Raquel saying that they couldn't go to the beach next to ours because they had already spent a lot of money on the trip, and would stay next to their beach. I was a little sad because I came all this way just to stay and see her, but at the same time I understood why, like I told you, we can't judge others and we need to put ourselves in other people's shoes. But I also didn't think it was fair for us to go back there a second day in a row. So, we went to visit a beach that your grandpa wanted but as soon as we got there it started to rain. Darn... We only had time to eat a pastel and we left.

On the way back, we pass in front of a holiday camp for civil servants that your grandma is a member of. She insisted that we go to meet. We were tired, your father especially, but we went.

Great choice, the place was super cute, everything was very clean, tidy, organized, it had a huge toy room, a very nice restaurant, the decor reminded us of Hawaii, a volleyball court, a HUGE chess game board (what I liked the most) where you could get on the board together with the pieces, and right in front of the beach. The place also offered an umbrella and a chair to chill at the beach.

We liked it a lot and were about to leave but your dad, after seeing that surfboards were rented on that beach told me that he wanted to rent one to surf. My dad listened and asked if he wanted it, he said yes so we headed back to the beach, even in the rain. Your dad rented the board and surfed for about 30 minutes! I recorded, took pictures, all of this will be part of our future home videos to have fun and laugh.

It was a rainy day, and after going to the beach we also decided to have dinner there. I was happy because it was Italian night (pizza night) and there was parmesan risotto (I LOVE risotto, when it's not seafood risotto). Except that when we had dinner, you started crying A LOT, A LOT, leaving me desperate in the middle of the restaurant, and some insensitive people looking on, as if they were judging. I was angry!!! People sometimes are so insensitive. And I'm sure some of these people have been parents to babies/young children. So in desperation I had to give you formula again. Third day, third time. Afterwards, we went downtown to eat ice cream and meet Raquel and her family for the last time. A little while after they arrived, a surprise: a flying cockroach passed very close to us. GIANT. When your grandma ran away, I already imagined, I saw the animal flapping its wings, I thought it was a butterfly, but the moment she started to run, I ran with her, barefoot, I didn't wait to see. Raquel, who is also afraid, also ran barefoot with you in her arms. I even ran in front of her, pushed her and saying: "excuse-me, please" because I was scared to death. What kind of mother am I?

After a very big scare, they said that the cockroach had left, so we could go back to the table. I came back but very skeptical so I kept looking around nonstop, I was alert, the slightest movement and I would run again.

For you to understand a little, I will explain the reason for all this. I have something called “phobia”, much bigger and more complex than just “fear". This phobia of mine is called "katsaridaphobia" and I've always had it.

•Fear is a natural emotion that protects people from harm when they face real and imminent danger  •A phobia is an excessive fear or anxiety related to specific objects or situations that are out of proportion to the actual danger they present

So let’s put it that way: Fear is something that doesn't paralyze your life while the phobia suffocates you. I, for example, am afraid of planes, but I get on one. Those who have aerophobia do not travel by plane, nor do they consider it an option.

I know a friend who is afraid of cockroaches, but she even kills them with insecticide if she have to. Anyone who has a phobia of cockroaches, like me, doesn't kill them, doesn't even come close, doesn’t even want to look at them. And the phobia affects the body.

When I see a cockroach, in addition to my heart racing wildly, I cry, I have an anxiety attack and I even get dizzy, very close to passing out. It is a frightening fear that interferes with my life too much. A totally irrational fear.

Another example, fear of elevators. It's common, many people are afraid, afraid of riding an elevator, but when you have a phobia, you don't ride an elevator at all. In other words, fear doesn't stop you from doing things, phobia does.

My cousin Marina is afraid of dogs and cats, even puppies, and it's a surreal fear, which nobody takes seriously (after all, dogs and cats are cute and beautiful), but she has it, and her case is phobia. She could never get close. It’s different from someone who is afraid of dogs, but manages to be around a dog she knows is good, for example, or a puppy. The person is only afraid because she knows that he can be bitten, hurt, that is, presents a type of danger for the person, which puppies don’t. But that's it, the phobia incapacitates you.

And here's the problem with a phobia: people who don't have it don't understand. AT ALL. Not even people who are afraid understand. And in order to understand, it has to be your phobia.

I, for example, took some time to understand that Marina's phobia for pets is not different from mine, and I also judged her. Probably just didn't judge those who also had a phobia of dogs and cats. People think ur a fussy, and that it’s something that CAN be controlled; when in fact it can't. But they don't know precisely because they don't have the phobia, and they don't feel what you’re feeling. Even Your daddy thinks I can control my fear of cockroaches. It's easy because he doesn't even have this phobia.

When he says something like “you should come see the coachroach to beat your fear”, i roll my eyes insight my mind. He found out a cure for phobia. He needs to let the psychiatrist doctors know in order to extingue phobias even from dictionaries. I mean… he just tries to help, his heart it’s in the right place but he and people who don’t live there just don’t get it. A lot of people have fears in life, but not a phobia, and I would give and pay anything to get rid of this panic that I have. It's unsustainable.

And another thing about phobia: they say that most phobias have a source of trauma in the past. For example, someone who has survived a sea or air disaster is likely to be traumatized by boats and planes and will no longer be able to board one. Or someone who has been in a car accident is more likely to have a phobia than someone who has not.

My mother still says that when I was very little I was in the baby seat behind the car and she and her cousin Marcelo were in front. We were going to travel to Caraguatatuba, and that's why she took my turtle with us. She put the turtle in the back of the car in a box with some water and lettuce, right at my feet, and when they stopped for fueling. the box was full of cockroaches, with me in the back. Together. with. the. cockroaches.

Her car must probably already have cockroaches hidden somewhere, like in the engine, and the turtle/food attracted them. God knows how long I stayed there, with those cockroaches.... So it could be that in addition to my mother's fear of cockroaches which unconsciously also taught me to be afraid, what happened could have played a role too. I am also afraid (but not phobic) of injections, needles overall and drawing blood to this day. And when I was 2 years old, I was hospitalized for bronchitis, which later became a nosocomial infection in the hospital for 1 month, and I almost died babe, I was already very close to dying, and your grandmother says that the doctors took blood from my whole body , the foot, and even the forehead, including the spinal tap. For sure, although I don't remember, it helped with the fear I have today.

Anyway, I'll tell u 4 stories of mine with cockroaches: 1) Ur aunt, Tayna, one day picked up a dark big brown olive pit, and when my back was turned, she threw it in my hair and started screaming that there was a cockroach in my hair. Melanie.... I fell to the floor and started screaming, crying, and writhing like the girl in the Exorcist movie. My mother, who later saw that it was a prank, tried to calm me down, and Tayna too, but it was too late, I was already hysterical.

After that joke that almost killed me with a heart attack (phobias can kill people from the heart, it's not a joke) we agreed never to joke about cockroaches again.

2) I was on the balcony of the old apartment where our family used to lived with a friend named Rafael, just chatting and smoking hookah. It was a hot night and I was already concern about the appearance of a cockroach.

t was rare to show up at the apartment, but it did happen sometimes. I was already feeling in my guts, but I was trying not to let fear overwhelm me and enjoy the moment with my friend. Until after a while, he turns to me and said: - "Nah... a cockroach... in your hair..."

I GOT UP AND RAN FOR MY LIFE, when I got up I dropped the entire hookah coal on my friend, it burned him, but all I know is that I didn't care and I ran, hitting my hair repeatedly, screaming... The cockroach probably flew (I never felt it in me).

Well, out of sight, out of mind, right? But until today the thought that that a cockroach has already touched my body and I didn't see/realize hunts me.

3) My mother told me that one day Bete was cleaning the house and under my pillow she found a dead cockroach, and later showed it to my mother. They took years to tell me. I was freaked out. I wonder if that's why I have so many cockroach nightmares. I am so scared, that I have frequent nightmares that someone picks up a cockroach and throws it at me, and some other dreams that they fly at me. I wake up screaming, your father has witnessed many of my screams because of these nightmares. Although my nightmares started way before this event.

4) In your second month of life, your father was no longer here, it was you and me in the room. And I was staying at your grandparents' house because they helped me with you. At night I got up to go pee, and returning from the bathroom at a glance I saw something black,huge on the blanket, I was SURE it was a cockroach. I had no choice but to go to the bedroom balcony & lock myself there. My fear was so much that I couldn't even get u out first to lock myself on the porch. Lucky I had my cell phone. I called my mother, she came running and got you out of the crib very quickly because she is afraid too.

I couldn't speak, I SOBBED from crying. Sobbed. Grandma woke up grandpa and he came sleepy trying to kill the cockroach with the insecticide, but he couldn't find. I pointed to the blanket but he didn't understand it was in the blanket, and when he found the blanket he also said there was nothing. Summary of the story: I went to sleep in bed with my parents, and we put you in another crib.

And the next day we found out that the cockroach was a drawing of a dog on the blanket that with the light off really looked like a cockroach (I know it doesn't look much like the picture but with the light off I swear it did).

But Mel, how could I leave you alone? I just thought: Mel isn't afraid, she's got the crib protector, and it's not dangerous for her. Then call her mother. I hate myself for it. I hate this fear.

Well, now that I've told you some stories about cockroaches and my fear, let's get back to the story.

After the flying cockroach disappeared, it came back, and this time I ran to never go back to that place. We went to sit in a different place, and after the scare, we enjoyed the night. But I was on alert the whole time.

We went back to the apartment to pack things up because the next day we were going home. Your grandma wanted to bathe you, but before she covered the bathroom drain with a rug precisely to prevent cockroaches from getting in, and in a moment of distraction, when bathing, she forgot to remove the rug from the drain, and it started to flood the bathroom and part of the hall... I saw it, and I screamed my father for help. What a tough spot, the problem was not getting the apartment wet because we could clean it, but in addition to being an apartment rented through Airbnb, this building had a BIG warning sign saying that the apartment could not be washed at all because it did not have a slab (laje), only on the bathroom. Imagine our despair.

The day before your grandma had already broken a cup and now this...... Af. IDN if when you're reading this, Airbnb will still exist, but Airbnb is a website where we rent apartments/houses/places daily. It's pretty cool and often much cheaper than a hotel. It is often advantageous for the owner (because it is great money that comes in, you earn much more than if you were to rent it monthly) and for those who rent it too (because they enjoy a much larger space). To give you an idea, in a small apartment of 60m you usually rent, in 2023, 1,500.00 reais. The apartment on the beach that we rented was also small, but the daily rate was 250/300, and the owner already had rentals booked for the two consecutive months. 250 X 30 is 7,500 a month. At a home, you get even greater value. t's a great source of income. But let's see how long the government will let us have this income. I bet that soon they will extinguish this, at least in Brazil, at least in Lula's mismanagement.

13/02- Chapter 24: Daddy superhero

After waking up we went to breakfast and everyone decided to tell me the truth. Remember I told you a few tweets ago that your dad made a huge noise killing a mosquito in the room? They after said it was a cockroach. My god... this disgusting animal chases me, WTH.

I had already asked the owner of the apartment if it was usual roaches appearing and she said: very rarely, it had been more than 6 months since one appeared. Your father said he saw something running into the room and when he saw it, it was a cockroach, he looked at me and I was in bed working on the computer, he decided to try to kill him and not tell me anything so as not to make me hysterical, and he knew that if he did tell me, besides of me crying, I wouldn't be able to sleep and enjoy the rest of the trip, so they decided to tell me only on the last day. So that's why my mom closed the bathroom drains out of the blue, and was closing cracks in the window and doorways.

Just thinking that there was a cockroach in the room with us a few meters away and that it would eventually climb onto the bed... makes me break out in a cold sweat. I need to live in a place where these pests rarely make appearances, like Canada (which I'm considering and thinking hard about moving in there).

Anyway, that made me feel very bad for being mad at daddy that dad and also at grandma for flooding the apartment. They were doing all of that for me, and caring about me.

After that, we left for an exhausting, tiring trip, until we finally got home and went to sleep. You, again, slept the whole trip, but you also slept at night. AN ANGEL.

14/02- Chapter 25: Pain and Breast milk

Since yesterday when I was returning from the trip, already in the car you were having difficulty pooping, you were all red, making a lot of strength.

It hurt our hearts. I'm going to be pumping milk and sacrificing myself all day but I'm going to do everything I can and a little more to not give you more formula (at least for now).

Baby, I know I'm doing everything and beyond to keep my breast milk. I bought lactation tea, I'm eating oatmeal (which I've never eaten before, but I've read that oats have prolactin, which helps to increase milk), hot water compress and a very hot bath, I pump milk every moment I can, including in the car, I wake up at dawn to express milk... I honestly sometimes don't know what else to do. But I'll tell you one thing: when you become a mother, fight for your breast milk, read a lot beforehand, study in advance (if I had known the things I know today, I would have frozen a lot more milk, for example, prepared myself better) . . . and do what possible to offer the best for your child.

Breast milk is proof of love, it's connection with your child. BUT, we have to go as far as we can/handle it, sometimes our body doesn't work in our favor, and if we know in our hearts that we did our best, knowing that we tried everything, then we have to accept. But what I meant is superficial cases. For example, many mothers stop breastfeeding because it is more COMFORTABLE/EASY. After all, when you breastfeed, you cannot drink, smoke, use ointments, medicines, and many other things. I myself need to check several things at the dermatologist when I stop breastfeeding. I need to see the linea nigra (of my pregnancy), my belly button is also very dark from pregnancy, some pimples on my body, whiten my teeth, continue to do laser hair removal. But all this can wait and the priority now is you. Would it be easier to introduce formula? Yes!But exclusive breastfeeding is proven worldwide to be the best food for the baby,and even protect your child from various diseases. There's several papers and articles about it.

And did u know that breastfeeding helps prevent breast cancer (for the mother)? Yeah, it's just benefits (apart from the deprivations we have). So try when it's your turn, BUT DON'T BE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF if it doesn't work out. People who say "if you really want it, you'll get it", live in Narnia, they don't know what they're talking about. It's not because the experience of some was positive, it means that all mothers will be too.

Every body is different. Respect your body.

15/02- Chapter 26: Leave nothing for tomorrow

Today I really wanted to go get your French passport to update your plane ticket and everything be all set with our trip, so I told your father last night that we would go get it this morning. Today I woke up earlier bc of it, and then he said:

"wait, I sent an email to the consulate to find out if we can pick it up or if you need to set a specific time/day". I was very angry with him because if the French consulate had sent the email a few days ago saying that we could pick it up, why didn't he send the email before? He left it to send it the morning of the day we were supposed to pick it up

ai ai ai.... In the end, we had to book a day and time, so we made an appointment to pick up. Your father is wonderful but he has a habit of always putting things off. Try not to leave things for tomorrow. Sometimes later becomes never. Laziness is hard to fight, I know very well, but try your best.

By the way you’re still struggling a lot with constipation, therefore pain. It’s hurting me more than you. Damn you, formula.

16/02- Chapter 27: Damn you, formula!

I don’t get it. The formula is still on your system???

Still struggling with constipation

17/02- Chapter 28: Cookie sandwich

Today we went to the pediatrician Dr. Mara (who was also my pediatrician). You're 5,815 kg, gaining more weight than you need to and you're 60 cm, super healthy. The doctor said ur muscle movements are great and well advanced for ur age and ur peripheral vision is fully formed, which usually happens at 6 months.

She changed the formula - in case you ever need it, but let’s hope not, at least not soon. I am still struggling a lot with my breast milk.

After that, me, you and ur father went to the mall for a little walk. He took a picture of the two of. I love this baby holder.

At the mall we stopped at my favorite cookie shop "Mr Cheney", and I ordered the milkshake that I so much love, and ur dad ordered a cookie sandwich (I was surprised because as I told you he doesn't like things too sweet).

That day he was in a bad mood and I was trying to lighten the mood, but when he commented - AGAIN - about the Smash the Cake photoshoot I was the one in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Even before returning to Brazil, I had already told ur father in advance (because I know his opinion about sugar) that I would do the Smash the Cake photoshoot so that he would already know and be prepared.

Smash the cake is a children's photoshoot, which when the baby turns 1 year old, a specific decoration is made and a small cake is placed in front of the baby. The kid touch, smash and taste the cake, trying the sugar/chocolate for the first time. And every moment, from the touch to the taste of the cake, is captured by camera and video for the first time.

My sister, for example, thinks it's silly and doesn't want to do it, but Rafinha, her son already tried cake frosting at 6/7 months. I ask everyone not to do this because I want to see ur reaction with 1yr old. This DOESN’T mean that I’ll start giving u sweets and sugar from that age on. It's not because I did the photoshoot and left it once, that it’ll become routine and that's what ur dad don’t get it. He is very radical in relation to sugar, and I think that everything in life has to have balance. It can't be anything 8, not even 80. Balance is the key to everything. Don't be a mother who lets your child eat whatever he wants and uncontrollably, eat as many chocolates as he wants, but also don't be a mother who forbids and never lets your child eat. Know how to balance and educate him.

Here’s a pic of your dad’s cookie sandwich:

As if the discussion about sugar wasn't enough, when we got home he made me watch a TED TALK by a woman talking about education using the Montessori method and saying about electronic toys... And now this one.... Electronic toys “bAd” … I had never heard of it before... Montessori method... wooden toys... never let the child eat chocolate, ice cream,drink soda at a children's party…let the child choose what he wants to wear...Oh no!No method or anyone from outside will teach me what I should or shouldn't do and how I'm going to raise you. I'll raise you as my heart says and outsiders can BUTT OUT!

Your father sometimes overwhelms me, I'll have to talk to him about it. But tomorrow... today I'm completely tired.

When you have children, no one will help pay the bills, but many people will want to give you advice that you never asked for: how long you should breastfeed, what type of delivery method you should choose, whether or not to introduce a pacifier, the appropriate age to start to introduce food, what is the best brand of diaper, what you need to do for the baby to sleep at night, which position to put to sleep, the list is long... There are plenty of inconvenient people when you have a child.

18/02- Chapter 29: Nutella generation, Spank and "Croque"

I talked to your father today about what I mentioned yesterday. About sometimes suffocating myself with opinions all the time. He was a little angry at first but then I think he understood.

I don't want to be these new generation tik tok/instagram moms who need to prove something to people and think that the way they raise their children is the best, the right, and the healthiest. There is no right way to raise a child. I will do everything to raise you in the best possible way, and transform you into a kind and good human being. I even deleted some of my social networks (mainly Instagram) after I got pregnant of you, bc there were a lot of people there, and I was very afraid of the evil eye, of envy (even though I didn't believe that much, I didn't want to risk it) and I never went back with my private instagram. After all, I didn't want many of the people I had there to see their daily routine, your pretty face, or to know how my life was going.

Everything that is private/private and done in low key tends to work better, it's something I've learned over the years. "Never shout your happiness or success too loud. Envy has a light sleep." Keep this quote in mind, love!

Instead I created you an Instagram, private, with few people (people I know who love you and wish you well, like family and close friends) to follow your routine, see your photos and videos. <3

Here's an image (in Portuguese, I hope you can also speak Portuguese) of what a "Nutella generation" is and why I don't want to raise you that way like many of the things your father wants (you can't do this, you can't do that... )

I will address this pic: A) Play with your little buddies & don't become dependent on screens like tablets and smartphones. Playing is wonderful, enjoy your childhood, it's the best time ever. Jump rope, run, play board games, make friends, swim, PLAY AND BE A CHILD!

You will have a lot of screen time, believe me, and you will miss your childhood. God knows how much I miss mine... And my mother warned me that I would miss it, I didn't care.

B) You WILL fall and you WILL get hurt, that's part of life, we all fall and get hurt. It'll hurt and it's ok! Will pass! I can't act desperate when you fall off your bike for the 1st time or when you scrape your knee. I need to keep calm and say: Get up, pick yourself up.

C) I will replace playboy with books and comics. Read! Books give you a new view of the world, make your intellect and your view of general matters increase. Start with children's things like comics, children's books, and progress according to your age.

D) "Bebe água da torneira". In the past the kids were so picky... And that's exactly how I want to raise you. Maybe not teaching you to drink tap water, but also not forbidding you X thing and lecturing you. For example, soda. Is it bad for health? Yes! I would never let you have soda everyday, but it's ok if you go to a party and drink one day. Or if one day you want to drink soda while eating pizza on a Sunday night. I guarantee it won't kill you if you don't extrapolate.

E) Now about smacking your children. A topic that has become very controversial these days. You will hardly find people who were born before 2000 who were never smacked by their parents. I myself was a very, very good and well-behaved child but I still got hit. Very few times, tho. Your great-grandmother already hit me on the head (in Portuguese we call “DAR CROQUE/CASCUDO”, I really don’t know if there’s this expression in English…

(all the grand-kids of your great-grandma were hit already hit. Me and your aunt Giovanna was only once, but Tayna and your uncle Fernando were several).

Your grandmother already hit me but just few times using the flip flop to slap me, and I defended myself with my hand (but it was rare) and your grandfather gave me a single slap with the flip flop when I was around 2 years old and I couldn't stop crying (for no reason, making a fuss).

Your aunt Tayna already got hit in the face by my father (and after 18 years, and she deserved it!!!). It all depended on what you were up to. Your great-grandmother hit her children, she once broke the glass plate on my father's head. (A little too much if you ask me - but your great-grandma was abandoned overnight by her husband, who married and started raising a new family with another woman leaving my grandma with 3 small children outbid the blue, alone). And your grandma, my mother, used to be smacked a lot by my grandpa), but once he not only hit her, he gave her a beating (and all because she dated my father from a very early age and my grandfather did not accept that she dating so young).

This time he hit her with a belt and all, even kicked her. Totally disproportionate. But we're all fine, we're good people and we don't keep traumas in any way as some new psychologists claim. See, bae, there is a difference between to smack and to beat someone up. But anyway, I can't promise that spanking won't happen and that it will be out of the picture. If I give u a few spanks one day, will be weak. I'll try my best not to get to that point, but I'm not against educational spanking, as long as it doesn't hurt the child. I think it really depends on each child. I'm sorry if it sounds too old-fashioned, but I think parents know - or should know - their child's limit. The world is full of problems, and I think that spanking is the least of the problems in the world today.

If people read this, I would definitely be "cancelled". The world today is extremely sensitive. If I give you a few spanks, I guarantee you it won't traumatize you. Trust me! But well, I'm pretty sure it won't need bc you'll be an angel =)

F) "Respect the teachers". Teachers in the past were top authorities and highly respected among students. When they passed on to their parents a problem with their children, the parents fought with the children, and they knew that the problem was at home.

With the bad education these days (but the big problem is spanking, right?) students no longer respect teachers and parents still get angry if the teacher has any complaints about their children. They don't see that often the problem is at home.

G) About foods like "cashew juice"... Nowadays, as I mentioned, people are very radical in their children's diet. It's really cool for parents to dose the amount of junk food their child eats, but from there to banning and not letting them try it is another level.

In the old days, mothers sent some treats to eat at school, and that's okay. It wasn't everyday healthy food. AND IT'S ALL RIGHT. I took a lot of sweets and doritos to eat at school recess, and even occasional soda too. And I'm fine, alive and healthy. Moderation. Balance. 8 and 80 are bad, find a middle ground.

H) "Always in friends' house". Like I told you, love, go out, play, have fun. Don't be wanting to interact with others through a screen if you can interact in person. Friends are all good, even more so at your age. Disconnect from internet and screens if you can.

I) Making fun of friends is acceptable IF there is intimacy, if it is something reciprocal and that does not bother you or the other person. Friends have fun, they often make fun of each other, and I don't see a problem if it's something you like to do together, that you laugh together (as long you understand each other's limits.

At the first sign of discontent, take a step back. There is a big difference between make fun within your friends circle and bullying. Bullying is never acceptable.

Bullying is something that goes against the will of the one being humiliated. It's not something fun or pleasurable for the person. It's pain. You're causing someone pain. U aren't having fun together. Bullying is a evil thing. NEVER bully anyone. Completely unacceptable.

But if you and your friend(s) make fun of each other and are ok with that, taking it for a joke, have fun. IT IS NOT BULLYING. But remember, you have to have intimacy, and be accepted between you.

J) And finally: "Ring the bell and run" was something typical of kids in the 70s/80s/90s. As there weren't many games to entertain the kids, one of the things that amused them was ringing the doorbell at people's house and run away, as a prank. And after ringing the bells, the kids would run away as if they had done something "super evil", so they would run non-stop in order not to be "caught".

And today, children can't stand to run even a block, due to laziness, tiredness, fatigue, lack of exercise, and the problem of wanting to stay at home on the computer and on the cell phone. RUN BABE, RUN! SO YEAH, Nutella generation explained =D

19/02- Chapter 30: 4 months, Beauty and the Beast

YAAAAAAY, 4 months old, my princess. Today will be your little party for the first time at grandpa and grandma's house, but I forgot your Belle costume in our apartment so I went with your dad to get it, and also get the cake and sweets to your party.

On the way I was talking to your father and he told me that I should let you read this twitter only after you turned 18, that you need to discover the world alone and by yourself and that maybe my tweets might influence some choices of your life. But I disagreed, as soon as I think you're mature enough, I'll give u access to my twitter. After all, I want to advise u on many things that may be useful for you, for your life. But I want to make it clear that everything I write here is JUST ADVICE, TIPS, and thoughts! In no way do I want you to follow what I say if you disagree or it's not your way of thinking. Daughter, you have and always will have something called free will. Use it. It's not because I think one way, that you need to think the same. It's just tips.

Just because I mentioned that I'd like you to play the piano doesn't mean you actually need to play the piano. You can play any instrument you want, or none at all! NEVER feel pressured to do something bc of this twitter, or follow my tips if you don't want to, that's not the goal here. I created this for you to read and have fun about our life together, about our routine, so you know everything we live, everything that I have to talk about you and our life together, and every now and then I end up taking advantage of a subject, and saying some things that I think. You're Melanie Cohen Lacava, not Natascha Martins Lacava, we're going to disagree on a lot of things, and THAT'S FINE!

There's no way you can let me down, my love. You can and will be whatever you want to be.

Here are just my daily thoughts, which may even be different in 3, 5, 8, 10 years. Maybe something I think is right now, I don't think is still right in a few years or another time in my life. This is my diary for you. Confessions, tips, advice, our routine together, but absolutely nothing is mandatory!

Anyway... we went to get the things for your little party, and you looked beautiful as Bela! I'm making home videos of all the montly anniversaries for you to watch in the future, with photos, videos, so I won't be posting much here.
Your anniversary this month (19th) is also the date brazilians celebrate Carnival (a stupid holiday in Brazil) so very few people came. The usual aunties came: Nadia, Girleide and with the special presence of Aunt Luísa (Aunt Girleide's girlfriend), Aunt Nádia's fiance, Aunt Rosane, Aunt Cuca and your grandparents.

Those who could not attend were Giovanna and your godmother. The party was different this time, but the important thing is that you were smiling, and we celebrated another month together.

20-25/02- Chapter 29: Compilation

Baby, I'm going to make a compilation of these 5 days because I'm behind on the diary and I don't remember exactly everything that happened on each specific day, so for me to get back on track on the recent days, I'll make a summary of all these days. On one of the nights I was tired of staying at home and I called Aunt Rosane, Giovanna, Tayna, grandma Simone and great-grandmother Sonia to go to the apartment to eat pizza and chat.

It was just the women, and I, as always, started pumping milk to give it to you. Until I realized that I forgot the bottle at grandpa and grandma's house (this never happened before) so I was desperate. How would I give you milk? There was no formula, I had just emptied my breasts and there was no way I could give you the milk I had just pumped.

Thank God for now there is still ifood available in Brazil, and even though it was late, I bought a bottle at the pharmacy that delivered in 20 minutes, but PS: my mistake cost me 50 reais.

Anyway, your bottle arrived and soon after you nursed. I was worried that you would choke, because these simpler bottles pour the milk without you having to suck, unlike the Avent you are used to and you are the one who sucks as you want. But no, you breastfed correctly.

The other day, your father and I discussed going to Spain. The other day I saw him sad, missing his family and I was dumb enough to say that we could go visit, and he hold on to that. When I woke up, he said he wanted to go to Barcelona in May to visit his family and I got mad because I thought it was your paternal grandparents' obligation to come visit u, and not us having to pay an expensive ticket, take a 15 hours flight with a baby to go to them.

The discussion increased even more when I said that I wanted to go to San Diego in August/September for about 2 weeks (I miss that city, San Diego was where your father and I met, and for me, it's the best place in the world, where I feel at home. If I believed in past lives, I sure would believe that I was American and that I have been to San Diego in other lives. After all, when I went there in 2018 I could have chosen any of the 35,000 cities from the USA, but both your father and I chose San Diego at the same time - I'll talk more about San Diego in the future). I wanted to go there because your father and I are planning to leave Brazil in 2024, and I know that when I move, I'll start working/studying and I won't have time to go there anymore (I haven't been there for 4 years , due to the COVID pandemic). And he said it's unfair that I can take you 2 weeks without him (even though I invited him) and he can't take you 2 weeks without me. I said I'll never be away from you being a baby or child, not even a day. You go where I go, I'm the mother. Besides all that, I breastfeed you. Not to mention that I don't want and I won't be separated from you for even 24 hours. Let alone your father take you to another country without me.

The discussion became somewhat heated, but as things settled, I clarified that despite my initial offer to visit when I noticed his distress, upon reflection, it wasn't the right thing to do. Additionally, I detailed the instances during the pregnancy that left a negative impact, stemming from both him and his family. I attempted to convey the emotional toll these experiences had taken on me, highlighting the challenge of moving past them despite my earnest efforts. Furthermore, I tried to articulate to him that, as a mother who has been with you since the inception of my pregnancy, I inherently possess certain rights.

It is no wonder that judges in almost every country in the world (apart from Muslims) give custody of the child to the mother.

But we don't want to think about it because we are both very good friends and we'll do everything for both of us to have u in our lives equally. After all, he is an excellent dad, loving, committed and loves u more than anything. I'll never separate u in any way.

Let's see what will happen. First, I think we need to choose where we are going to live and this is proving to be a very difficult task. We were very close to choosing Vancouver, Canada, but after watching some videos we got discouraged.

The city is very gray, everything looks sad... Again we compare it to our dear San Diego. USA tho is very complicated because we cannot live legally, or work legally without a proper visa, so our hands are tied. Your father really wants to go to Europe, which is where his family lives, but for me it's very difficult. I never liked Europe because I always thought the cities were very old. But the main thing is work for me. I don't want to be supported or dependent on anyone. I want to work, produce (I've always liked working), but it's difficult when I don't speak the main language of the city we're going to live in, even though Spanish is very close to Portuguese.

But if that's the last option, I'll go, because after all, Brazil it's not an option anymore. I'll not let you have your life in a country as violent as this one, where there are no laws to protect citizens.

We also thought about Australia, but there is also the visa problem (although you can work and study there), but the worst of all is the distance. 30 HOURS BY PLANE from Brazil to Australia. It's further than Japan. LMAO

But I promise that next year we will do everything to be living in a better place! We take you to get the 4 month vaccines. Your father and grandmother walked in with you because I'm still trying to get rid of the sadness I'll feel at seeing you crying in pain.

Who knows, maybe next time I'll get it? Despite the nurse not knowing how to use the Pikluk (a device I bought that helps relieve the pain of the injection - I tested it and it really works) you behaved perfectly and hardly even cried. A Princess.

I think u won't be as afraid of needles as I am. The whole day u were fine. At night, when it was time to give u a bath, I caught your dad moving ur legs back and forth nonstop. I shouted at him but he had forgotten about the vaccine. But apparently you didn't feel pain. Anyway love, I promise that next year I will do everything for you to be living in a better and safer place.

At night we decided to go to Aunt Rosely's to celebrate her birthday. It turns out that in the afternoon I was already feeling my throat hurt a little. We went to the party around 8:30 pm and I was already feeling pretty under the weather. Your father didn't want to go, so it went me, you and grandma.

When you got there, you started to cry a lot. A LOT. You're usually don't cry, you only cry when you're hungry or in pain. And it was a pain cry. We tried desperately to find out where it had hurt you.

Grandma thought maybe it was her bracelet, but then we thought she squeezed your little leg, and since it was swollen from the vaccine (your dad shaking your legs back and forth the day before didn't help either) we were pretty sure it was because of the vaccine.

I touched the little swollen leg and you started to cry. It took about 40 minutes for you to calm down and get well. A lot of people picked you up and met you for the first time.

We got back from the party a little after midnight, we gave you a bath but I was already feeling really bad. A very strong flu, and my fear was to pass it on to you.

26/02- Chapter 31: Bad flu

I woke up feeling very bad. I thought I was going to die. My body was so tired, I couldn't stop tearing up and I couldn't keep my eyes open. My body claimed for help. I stayed in bed all day.

Today there was guests, all of your grandmother's family came. It was a really nice Sunday for everyone (except me), but it ended up working out because a lot of people stayed with u and took care of u while I couldn't even pick you up.

Several times you held out your little arms for me to pick you up, but I couldn't. I almost cried.

There's nothing worse for a mother. I couldn't pick you up because I don't want you to catch my flu. I spent the whole day pumping milk for you, sleeping and feeling sick. I missed you so much.

Now at bedtime we decided that I would sleep in the guest room and your father would be alone with you for the first time, because as I was sneezing a lot and I also started coughing, I was waking you up all the time and you wouldn't be able to sleep.

27/02- Chapter 32: Bad, bad flu

Today u woke up at 8 am, daddy gave you a bottle and you fell asleep right away in bed with him. But today he is tired. I said that's how it is, I stayed awake for months to take care of you, and men stay one day and already complain. Oh, oh...

I'm coughing a lot. Yesterday I wasn't. And it's a dry cough. The cough is the worst part. I am very sad because we noticed that you have a runny nose, that is, despite all my efforts, you caught my flu. =( I hope your body fights well bc of my breastmilk.