To my daughter Melanie (December 2023)

01/12 - Chapter 163: Von Ritchofen case

You had a fever during the early morning, a pretty high fever, so you slept with us. Throughout the day, you seemed to be fine. In the afternoon, you took a short nap, and during that time, your dad and I resumed couples therapy. It went by very quickly, and we couldn't share everything about the trip, the challenges, and the good things. But it seems that whenever we have couples therapy, we come out worse than we came in, go figure.

Your dad has been a bit upset and down since the Barcelona trip, but I feel like he's taking it out on me, and I didn't find it fair. So, initially, I tried to help him in the same way he helped me.

At night, I started watching the third and final part of the movie about Suzane Ritchoven. I'll tell you a bit about this case:

The Richthofen Case refers to the homicide of Manfred Albert von Richthofen and Marísia von Richthofen, a couple murdered by brothers Daniel and Cristian Cravinhos, at the behest of their daughter, Suzane von Richthofen. They lived in São Paulo, as you currently do.

Suzane and Daniel met in August 1999 and started a relationship shortly after. They became very close, but their relationship lacked the support of the Richthofens, who prohibited it. Since the relationship between Suzane and Daniel was disapproved by her parents, she, along with Cristian, decided to create a plan to stage a robbery and murder the Richthofen couple, allowing the three of them to share Suzane's inheritance.

Suzane opened the door for the Cravinhos brothers to access the residence. After that, they went to the second floor of the property and killed Manfred and Marísia by attacking them with iron bars while they slept.

Suzane was the mastermind behind the crime, and her brother Andreas may not have died that night, but he died emotionally, losing his parents and all his stability.

02/12 - Chapter 164: Here we go again

After the rounds of inhalations, your oxygen saturation improved, and we went to see the doctor to review the X-ray results. Upon examining you, he mentioned that you had a mild bronchiolitis. However, since you were experiencing high fevers and he detected an infection in your ear, he prescribed antibiotics, which eased my concerns. Later, we went home to rest.

Throughout the day, you showed some improvement after the first antibiotic dose, and I was hopeful that you would recover quickly. Unfortunately, that's not what happened.

03/12 - Chapter 165: The trick is to keep breathing

This dawn, the same thing happened, but with the difference that you were breathing a bit worse. We believed they would administer the inhalation treatment to you again, so we went to the nearest hospital, which was Hospital São Camilo. It turned out to be one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Upon arrival, the hospital was empty, and we went straight to the observation room because your oxygen saturation was low even during triage. The doctor visited you directly in the observation room. In addition to the low saturation, you had difficulty breathing. He attempted an inhalation treatment—3 rounds of inhalations every 20 minutes, repeated three times. The result was the same as at home; even after the inhalations, your breathing was still very labored. He mentioned that he would repeat the same cycle one last time. Unfortunately, it seemed that after this, your breathing worsened even more—18 inhalations in total. When this cycle ended, the medical staff had changed shifts, and another doctor was now attending to you, also very kind.

She explained that since the inhalation treatment didn't improve your breathing, you would need to be admitted. She mentioned my worst nightmare: you being admitted to the ICU. However, she quickly reassured us, explaining that it would be the ICU only because there are continuous saturation monitors visible to the nurses 24 hours a day, and generally, there is less nurse traffic in regular rooms. Nevertheless, I felt my heart stop for a few seconds.

Shortly after, I had a breakdown realizing that I made the terrible choice of going to São Camilo because it was closer, instead of spending an extra 20+ minutes of my life taking you to the best hospital, which was Sabará—the hospital you were taken to yesterday. I tirelessly asked my mother to go to the administration to try to arrange a hospital transfer through the health insurance. And she did. But when she returned, she said that the people working in the admission department mentioned that it would be very unlikely for the health insurance to approve our request. Transferring hospitals is usually only approved when there are no more available beds in the current hospital a person is in (as happened to us in Barcelona). However, they suggested we could still try and needed a medical letter (which I thought wouldn't be a problem since, as I mentioned, the doctor was very nice) and a letter from us explaining our reasons to the health insurance. So, we did.

In the meantime, we stayed in the observation room waiting for the health insurance response, which seemed to take forever. We spent hours there and weren't moved to the ICU because if they approved our request, it would be pointless to go to the ICU, attach all the devices, only to have them removed when transferred to another hospital. Not to mention that the insurance would pay a daily cost in the ICU of hospital 1 and then another daily cost in hospital 2 on the same day. So, we waited and waited and waited...

There was a third doctor after another shift change, and she also emphasized that it would be very hardt for the health insurance to approve a hospital transfer based on a family request. This discouraged me a lot. What was I thinking, taking you to the nearest hospital? What an irresponsible mother I am!

After a few hours, they needed to draw blood from you. Another nightmare... In the first hospital in Barcelona, your screams, even though I was so far away, left a big impact on me. It was such a struggle to find a vein. I couldn't bear to hear you and see you go through that again. I explained the situation to the doctor who attended to you, and she reassured me, saying she would send the best and most competent nurse to draw your blood. And she did, she sent a wonderful head nurse who drew your blood on the first attempt, found your vein quickly, and caused you minimal pain.

While my positive thoughts pumped adrenaline through my entire bloodstream, my mother's phone rang, and she answered anxiously. A few seconds after answering the phone, she gave me a thumbs-up, smiling. My whole heart filled with joy, but shortly after, I saw her becoming disappointed quickly, and I knew something was wrong, and I already suspected: the hospital probably didn't have an available bed.

As expected, after hanging up the phone, she said that the health insurance approved our transfer request, but Hospital Sabará had no available beds. I just wanted to cry. The desperation I felt... However, she added that we could be transferred to the ward there (similar to here, an observation room but with all the equipment that an ICU has), and once there was a vacancy, we would move to the room. But this vacancy could take time, and we didn't know how long. So, with a bit of pressure from my parents and the fear invading every inch of me, I decided to take the risk in the ICU at São Camilo anyway.

And it was the second terrible choice I made that day. Regret hit me as soon as I opened the door to that room. To begin with, such a bad feeling overwhelmed me, such a negative vibe that I held back my tears in my throat. Moreover, the room was a cubicle; there wasn't even a bed available for the companion. And you know what else? There wasn't even a bathroom, no toilet for me to use at night, and God knows how much I pee... Additionally, the nurses didn't seem as sweet and kind as the hospital in Spain we visited. The doctor seemed quite competent, but he didn't win my heart either; I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw myself on the floor like a spoiled child and say: GET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

My mother took a little while to come up to the ICU because she had to use a different elevator. But my despair began when the nurse said she couldn't stay; she could only pass by the room to drop things off and then had to leave because the ICU only allowed one companion. What was already bad inside me got worse because, aside from the inconvenience, this was one of the reasons that led me not to go to Sabará. Sabará only accepts one companion even for the initial consultation. And now, with São Camilo, it wasn't any different. They added that visiting hours were from 8 PM to 9 PM. Merciful God, in the desperation I'm feeling, I need someone by my side all the time, not just for one hour a day. I felt my lungs closing again, and the air stopping from coming in. What could I do?

The option of Hospital Santa Catarina was valid and had available beds. An attendant named Rodrigo had been assisting my mother and us from the beginning regarding this hospital transfer. I asked her to talk to Rodrigo and have him try calling Sabará again to confirm, to mention that your father is a foreigner, came from abroad, that you were even admitted to a hospital outside the country, and he wanted the best hospital in the city.

Many here in Brazil are sycophantic toward foreigners, thinking they are some kind of lost gods in our third-world country. And maybe having a foreigner in the hospital could be elegant for them? What useless thinking, right? Desperation does strange things to us... But just like the health plan that supposedly had called Sabará, Rodrigo tried as well, and guess what? THEY HAD RELEASED A ROOM! Before we knew that, I sent him your insurance card, and he said the hospital would contact your ICU doctor to get details of your case.

I was flooded with various thoughts. Initially, I felt hope and happiness knowing that we could have a room, and then a great fear that the doctor would say you were fine and had everything you needed at São Camilo, meaning the transfer would be useless. It was so many emotions, anxiety, feelings—I am so overwhelmed. I want the best for you, and I am working towards that! So I asked to talk to the doctor and the response came from the nurse herself. When she said she went to talk to him, letting him know to come to the room with me, he was signing the transfer form for your admission and would come by later. I was very happy, smiled, clapped, danced... And soon after, your dad and grandmother arrived, and I was the one who broke the news; your grandma didn't even know. She and I then went downstairs to ask Rodrigo about the next steps.

Arriving there, he said everything was set, and now we just had to wait for the ambulance, which would take about 1 hour to arrive. How happy I felt! In the meantime, I went to the bakery to buy something to eat, feeling overjoyed. Your grandma asked me to buy a cake as a gift for Rodrigo, who helped us so much. I got a beautiful Ferrero Rocher cake for him, costing R$70.00, and as we entered the admission area to surprise him, he had left during the shift change a few minutes earlier. Seeing our distress, his colleagues tried to reach Rodrigo by phone, and fortunately, they succeeded, and he returned to the hospital. He was very happy and thanked my mom. Remember, babe, gratitude is one of the noblest, most beautiful, and necessary feelings! We need to cultivate it!

Well, but after Rodrigo left, nightmare part 454513 (because there were so many nightmares in the same day that I lost count) began. As soon as I went up to the room to pack our things because the ambulance should be close, I received a call from an attendant at Sabará saying that your room had been reserved for several hours, but they couldn't get in touch with the health plan and weren't settling things with the São Camilo hospital's admission department. They asked me to try to resolve it that night because your room could only be reserved until midnight, and it was already almost 8 PM.

A bit of despair set in, but I imagined that this would be resolved in a short time. We went down to the administration area again, and now a woman was helping us. She was trying to contact Sul América, but communication was proving difficult. In the meantime, I received a phone call from Sul América and handed the phone to my mom as she had been dealing with it all day. Listening to the conversation, I began to feel unwell with nerves again: they were not authorizing your transfer.

I had understood everything from your grandmother's responses. I went down to the hall where my father was, crying uncontrollably. He tried to calm me down by taking me outside and saying that São Camilo Hospital was also a good one, urging me to stay calm and that ultimately the health plan was right because we were the ones that chose that hospital, and there was no reason for the health plan to spend so much money on patient removal when the patient's family initially chose it the first hospital. But I shouted, contested, said everything was already settled and approved, that the doctor had already signed the transfer form, and so on...

When I returned, broken in tears after facing this whole situation, it seemed like no one was on my side, and I saw my world spinning 360 degrees. I couldn't believe this was happening. I couldn't believe it. I felt that all day we had fought so much for this, I was touching what I had spent the whole day trying to achieve, and abruptly someone pulled my leg and slid me away from my goal. My parents said in life we couldn't have everything we wanted and that this is a consequence of our own actions, and so on. I didn't want to hear any of that at that moment; I was just refusing to accept keeping you there. And I started to feel unwell and short of breath again.

The only way we found to try something was by calling a private ambulance to see if they could handle the transfer. The problem we thought of was the fear of arriving there with you in the ambulance and the health plan not approving your entry since they had already said they wouldn't approve it. But I think they didn't approve the transfer, given that if we left São Camilo, it's as if we had been discharged, worsened, and sought another hospital. That's what the attendant explained to us, and we became more confident.

We called the ambulance and managed to get one for R$2,250. Your grandpa called Sabará to make sure that if we rented the ambulance, it was certain that they would receive you, and the plan would cover your stay, and they said yes. He asked about three times, and we got a positive response. So, I said I would pay, we closed the deal with the ambulance, and despite my initial shock at ripping out R$2,250.00 due to my own irresponsibility, I was just anxious to get you out of there and make it before midnight so you wouldn't lose the bed reservation, as it was already past 10 PM.

Before the ambulance arrived, we went to the administration to see if there was any approval email from the plan in Rodrigo's email inbox, as he had said early in the morning that the plan had approved but there was no room. If this were in the email, it would be evidence against Sul América, showing not only did they approve, but there was also a bed, and we could have filed a lawsuit to recover the ambulance fee. Well, there was nothing in Rodrigo's email, so I would pay for it, and what can we do? life goes on. Honestly, this was the least of my problems.

The ambulance arrived quite quickly, and we began the procedures for the transfer, but I was suspicious... The three people who came to pick you up from the ambulance were SO WEIRD... Two giant men, looking anything but like nurses/doctors, and a red-haired woman who kept staring at you with such a strange look... I immediately thought they were a gang pretending to be an ambulance to kidnap children (I told you I've been watching too many movies, The Sound of Freedom really got to me), and then they would probably kill me in the ambulance. I looked at your father with a desperate look, and he understood because he was feeling the same, insisting that he wanted to go in the ambulance too. And they agreed. Great, now a whole family could die.

I can't explain, such strange people... This part of the transfer was terrible. Your father was hating me at that moment for insisting on your transfer, thinking everything was unnecessary, and seeing your despair and the fear that you were faicing, it began to affect me deeply. I started to think that I was a terrible mother.

The ambulance crew took too long to connect the wires to monitor your heart rate, saturation... they were not professional at all, and it seemed like they didn't know what they were doing. I felt such a great tremor at that moment, really thinking that something would happen to us.

One of the male nurses sat beside me, and you were so nervous that you told me to lie down with you on the stretcher. Detail: your stretcher was on the floor, and they had removed your belt. As I lay down with you on the stretcher, I tried to calm you, started singing to you, and showed you some cartoos on the phone. You started to calm down. Until I realized that your oxygen machine wasn't making any noise, and no air was coming out. I asked the guy:

• - Is the oxygen working?
• - Yes, it is! I suspected... I waited a bit and put the mask on my face; absolutely nothing was coming out!
• Nothing is coming out, it's not working. Then he tried to fix it, and it seemed like an eternity. When he grabbed the oxygen cylinder, for a second, I thought he would crush my head with it, and that would be the end of me.
• What a lack of professionalism... an ambulance should never make a mistake like that. Your oxygen wasn't at its worst, but what if it had been? You could have died! That idiot, that supposed doctor (who I'm 100% sure is not a doctor), just kept looking at the monitor with a stupid face. And then your dad after said there was nothing on the monitor... my god!
• After your oxygen came back, I started to worry that they would kidnap us. They were going too fast, and I feared for our lives, especially yours, lying on a stretcher on the floor without a belt. I put the hospital address into Waze to see if it matched the route the ambulance was taking, and to my relief, it did.
• What seemed like an eternity, despite being a not-so-distant journey and with an ambulance that was flying – we arrived at the destination. But, to my despair, it took quite a while to take you to the room. It started that you were supposed to be transported with oxygen, and the ambulance's oxygen ran out. Yes, it ran out! What ambulance doesn't have a reserve oxygen cylinder, my God?????????
• 
  

Finally, the nightmare ended, and we went up to the ICU room. The relief I felt upon entering the room was indescribable. A large team welcomed us, clarified all doubts, and I felt a lot of confidence. And guess what? The room had a sofa for me to sleep on, a bathroom for me to pee (because only I know how much I pee), and even a shower! My God, a shower! The first thing I did after you fell asleep was take a nice hot shower because I had been in the hospital for almost 24 hours and was stinky.

The only thing that upset me a lot is that they insisted on saying that only one companion could stay in the ICU for more than 1 hour. They were firm about it. In other words, it would be just me and you. But I was already so scared, being alone was not the best scenario. And at Sabará, there was no visiting hours because visits were not allowed; only you could name 4 companions to take turns.

04/12 - Chapter 166: Every day is another story

Today was a day of extreme concern. You didn't want to wake up and your body was very limp. I thought it was normal due to bronchiolitis, but the same doctor who received us in the early morning said it was very concerning, and she was worried.

In the early hours, they needed to draw your blood again, and to my surprise, you hardly reacted. Okay, the nurse was good and hit your vein on the first try, but still, you cried very little and went back to sleep. And later they took your X-ray, and again, you didn't wake up as if you were unconscious or anesthetized. Even the nurse who came to check your vital signs thought you were under some kind of anesthesia because your body was extremely limp.

We are in the best pediatric hospital in São Paulo, a reference in respiratory problems, and a doctor and nurse say they are concerned about your situation, and it's not a good sign. All I can do is be extremely worried.

I tried to wake you up several times. I sat you up and gave you a little piece of bread, and you accepted it. However, you refused water and juice! But just that little piece of bread was not enough.

Before waking up, you drank milk, quite a bit, 170 ml.

The doctor, when she saw you sitting and playing a little with the toys I brought, was happier and said that was a good development. But soon after, you went back to sleep.

I sat you up again later to watch some cartoons, but you started to close your eyes and fall asleep standing. You were scaring me too much.

The nurse later gave you a bath in the bed itself. I found it quite modern to soak the bed with water, change the sheets, and wipe the mattress, and everything is brand new again. But after that, you went back to sleep.

Later, my mother arrived to stay with you for a while. I went downstairs to work because only two companions are allowed at a time, but I was sad, upset with the whole situation.

But some time later, my mother called me happily saying that you were smiling/playing and ate a lot of watermelon. Yay. Finally, some good news! But soon, this news gave way to another negative one: my mother said you had your first suctioning, and that devastated me. Suctioning is tough on the baby. It's a tube that goes into the lungs to remove mucus. My heart shattered into a thousand pieces knowing that you went through this.

I just know that I am apprehensive, I just want to see an improvement, and I am already anxious for the next few days. I just want to see you better!!!!!!!!!! I am entering a state of anxiety and despair. I hope tomorrow is a better day than today!

05/12 - Chapter 167: Hanging by a moment

I will start today by saying that it was the worst day of my life so far. Today was a very tough day, a feeling so horrible that I can't explain. It all started in the morning when the nurses and doctors came to check on you. They said you were not responding well to the vapotherm high flow treatment. And it was true, your vital signs were not good. Your breathing rate was very high, heart rate elevated, and low oxygen saturation. Which is not good at all.

The very friendly doctor tried to explain to me what was happening. She said the ideal would be for you to switch to the ICU mask machine. This scared me a lot because I know that if you don't respond to this mask either, the next step would be intubation.

Your father asked the tough questions, the questions I don't have the courage to ask, and he asked the doctor if your situation was stable. The doctor replied that no, your situation at least on that day was critical. Critical condition is a serious situation. You are in an ICU, and in serious condition at the hospital, I mean... It's not good.

In addition to the new machine, your labs and X-ray tests came out worse than the previous day. The blood test showed a higher infection, and the X-ray showed signs of bacterial infection and pneumonia. On top of everything, you also had an ear infection. Our fear of systemic infection was so great... Every day your condition worsened. My God... What despair! And to top it off, what was already not good, you had to have a PICC line inserted, which goes almost to the heart wall, being a procedure itself quite dangerous as it can cause cardiac arrest.

It was maddening, I was so nervous, so nervous that my body started to have muscle spasms. My shoulder had a nervous tic, moving involuntarily. I couldn't stop scratching myself and pulling my hair. I was rocking my body back and forth. I called my parents in despair and asked them to come to the hospital, and they did. I know I scared my parents a lot, and their world was falling apart too.

I can't explain what I felt; it's different when it's not our child, when it's someone else's child. As much as we sympathize, suffer, and cry for the loss of a loved one from someone close, when it's our child, when we are about to lose the most precious thing we have in our lives, it's so different. We can imagine the pain of others, but only those who are there living that situation know how desperate that anguish and pain are. I felt like my body was crumbling; I was yelling and sobbing: "I'm going to lose my daughter! My daughter is going to die!"

My heart beats irregularly, but at the same time, it was compressed, as if a heavy piece of something was on top of my heart. I couldn't breathe properly; I trembled. How can this be happening? How can I think that my daughter is at risk of life? How am I going to live every minute, every second, every day waiting for more news? Will you survive? And if you don't survive, what will become of me? I don't know how to live without you. If you go, I will be going too. I was hanging by a moment.

It felt like a nightmare from which I couldn't wake up.

Despite the doctor's composure and the attempt to convey something positive, I could see that the situation was more serious than I thought. I could sense it in the eyes of the many people coming in and out of your room. When the doctor delivered the news about the severity, there was a team of people surrounding her – nurses, physiotherapists, doctors from other specialties, nursing technicians. And all of them had that look of pity, that distant gaze that can't meet yours because all they feel is pitty. I could see the concern and sadness in the eyes of each person entering our room, and it was driving me crazy.

When my parents arrived, my dad went straight upstairs to try to collect information from doctors. Meanwhile, I stayed in the McDonald's parking lot near the hospital with your grandmother. As soon as I got into the car, I burst into tears and began to scream that you were going to die, that I was going to lose my daughter. My mom told me to not say or think that! But no matter how strong my mom was trying to be for me, she is also a very emotional person, and I know how much she loves you. I know that everything I was feeling, she was feeling too. She tried to calm me down, but after a while, she started crying too and hugged me, not offering false hope but trying to show that she hadn't lost hope. But I could be sure that my parents were terrified too. They were trying to be strong for me, after all, that's what everyone does.

On the way back from the parking lot to the hospital, the plan was for my mom to go up with my dad, and your dad would come down so that we could go together to the apartment for a few hours. When we reached the hospital door, I saw my mom's cousin, Aunt Daisy, Tio Décio's sister, trying to go up to the ICU. We only heard the man say that she couldn't, as only registered companions had access.

As soon as I saw her, I touched her back, she turned, and hugged. At that moment, I felt my legs turn into jelly, and I surrendered to her embrace, literally falling into her lap. I cried a lot, and she and my mom sat me down on the emergency room waiting area sofa.

We talked a bit, and they tried to convince me to pray and have faith, something extremely challenging for me and something I lost more than 15 years ago. But I confess that her presence, some stories, and a bit of conversation were good for me; it calmed me down in a way. She stayed with us for about an hour, waiting for your dad to return so we could find out if we would catch a ride with her or drive your grandmother's car. In the end, we ended up driving.

I was experiencing a very intense internal conflict. On one hand, I wanted my parents to be there with you, to talk to the doctors and truly understand what was happening. Additionally, I wanted to escape from that moment; I didn't want to see you going through such suffering, undergoing invasive procedures, or having a catheter inserted that could potentially end your life. I just wanted to run away, not be there. On the other hand, I didn't want to leave you for a single second; I wanted updates all the time. How could I leave you? But there was no choice; the best course of action was for your father and me to return to the apartment and leave things in the hands of your grandparents for the day.

All I know is that we went home devastated. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've done in the last 30 years, besides, of course, experiencing all of this.

We arrived and needless to say, we couldn't sleep, and I kept calling your grandmother constantly for updates. She said you had started the procedure, and she and your grandfather had to leave the room, and it would take around 1 to 2 hours...

Time seemed to stand still; each second felt like an hour. Every tick of the clock's second hand hurt like blood pulsing under a bruise, passing unevenly. I felt like I aged 5 years in a few hours. I seemed like a lost moon – my planet destroyed in some desolate, disaster-movie scenario – still spinning in a very narrow orbit through the empty space that remained, ignoring the laws of gravity. The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.

I tried watching the footage the photographer sent, updated from a year ago, and it hurt even more. I tried lying down for a bit, couldn't. I tried to find funny things on 9gag, but it didn't work... I was irreparably shattered, with fear and despair taking over every inch of my body. The chance of you dying existed, and not only existed but was significant at that moment. Nothing, nothing in life compares to this moment. Everything I've experienced in 30 years, every pain, every disappointment, every dark moment; not even combining every bit of pain I've had since the moment I was born comes CLOSE to the dark pain I was feeling at that moment. It's something surreal, indescribable. You might think losing a child is the most horrible thing, and shudder, pushing that thought away immediately. But when you're there, experiencing this moment, this uncertainty, fear, there is nothing like it in the world. There is no greater despair.

In the afternoon, your father and I knelt by the bed, held each other's hands, and prayed. Each of us spoke about you and why God couldn't take you away. So many, so many people rooted for you, prayed for you, thought about you and sent good energies. The wave of love surrounding you was so immense that it seemed surreal, but it became even more tangible after your father and I surrendered to pray as well.

The hole in my chest was worse than ever. I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist. You don't know how long I've waited for you. It was a lifetime dreaming of you, asking for you. It couldn't be possible that you would leave me after just one year.

I continued calling my parents all the time, and when it was around 9 p.m., we were getting ready to return to the hospital. However, I decided to make a stop: I decided to visit Aunt Cuca. Despite not being religious, she claims to be a medium. A medium, in spiritualism, is a person with the ability to communicate with spirits, with those who have passed away. Aunt Cuca not only claims to have this communication ability but says her body occasionally receives these spirits.

In times of desperation and horror (there is no greater anxiety than this situation for a mother), we believe in everything and ask for everything. So, I asked if she could bless me, and she said yes, but going there, I knew I would probably talk to some "spirit." And that's exactly what happened. Her "spirit" said that you would either get better or be discharged from the hospital on Sunday; I don't remember exactly which of these two options. This already eased my heart a bit, and it was all I needed at that moment. If something went wrong, I would already know who to blame, haha.

When I knelt and prayed, I made a promise that even with my doubts, I would be grateful for the things in my daily life. It doesn't have to be to a specific entity, but I would thank the universe for the good things that happened to me.

Upon entering the room and seeing you with that mask, my heart ached.

But I was determined to stay and talk to you, whisper words of encouragement in your ear, telling you that you are strong, that you need to fight against the virus, that you need to react, get better! In addition, I started reading our diary to you, our everyday life. You were already asleep, but holding your little hand, I read about our routine in the diary that I lovingly write for you almost every day. And so, from 50 beats per minute, your little heart reached an excellent rate of 35-40, and as you listened to the stories, coincidentally or not, your little heart calmed down.

December 5, 2023, the worst and most haunting day of my life.

06/12 - Chapter 168: I shall believe

Today would be the most decisive day of all. Yesterday was the 5th day, known as the peak worsening of bronchiolitis, and today we would find out if you would improve a bit and remain on non-invasive ventilation or if you would need to be intubated. The anxiety was overwhelming, and the night was sleepless.

Your father and I constantly woke up to check your vital signs monitor. However, throughout the night, both your heart rate and respiratory rate remained stable with favorable numbers. I could hardly believe it, and when I woke up, I felt that hope had taken over me.

Before the doctors arrived, your grandparents anxiously called me to know how you were, and upon sharing the positive news, they were happy. Shortly after, the doctor and nurses arrived, and the scene was positive. Everyone was happy that your vital signs had remained stable throughout the night.

We noticed that your labored breathing worsened when you were awake. It was a day we closely monitored you, all of us, but a day that screamed hope! Was it horrible to see you on that machine? Yes! It was a scene that broke my heart; but there, in that moment, there was progress, an improvement, and that was enough for me.

At the end of the day, I let your grandmother take my place and went down to the cafeteria. I talked to some people who were very concerned about you, like your great-grandmother and Aunt Rosane. Meanwhile, I knew you were undergoing mucus suction, and that was a very difficult part for me. I knew you were up there, suffering multiple times during this procedure, silently pleading for help with your eyes, and there was nothing, nothing I could do.

Later, I returned to the room, and your father went home to rest. Your grandfather didn't come today because he wasn't feeling well and was afraid of passing something else to you. So, it was your grandmother who slept here.

Before we went to sleep, you had your last mucus suction. I locked myself in the bathroom, but this time, I turned on the shower and stepped inside to drown out the sound of your cries, but it was still futile. I heard all your screams and all your despair. Weakened, traumatized, and with my mind completely shattered, I fell to the floor and started crying, and crying, and crying, and all that remained was the piercing background of your desperate cries. Mother and daughter crying in desperation at the same time, with neither able to help the other. I don't know how much longer I could endure this situation.

The physiotherapist, feeling sorry for me and seeing my tearful face, said,

• - She's okay, Mom! It reassured me a bit, but it wasn't enough.

Before going to sleep this time, I tried to continue reading our stories to you, but your breaths per minute were still very fast. So, I tried playing songs on YouTube like "Clear mucus from your lungs," "Lungs healing frequency," etc. As I mentioned, in moments of desperation, we believe in everything. I needed to have faith that you would be okay. Without this hope, without this belief, there would be nothing left to keep me standing.

07/12 - Chapter 169: How a ressurection really feels

Today, I woke up very, very anxious because despite yesterday's improvement, your breathing had returned to the range of 50 beats per minute, which was not ideal. This was a setback for me, and the fear of intubation only grew. Around 6 a.m., all those feelings of desperation about losing you came back strongly. I couldn't stay still; I needed to talk to a doctor.

Crying, I asked a nurse to find a doctor. As soon as the doctor arrived, I began by apologizing for bothering him but explained that I was very distressed. I didn't want you to be intubated, and I didn't want to lose you! The doctor's smile and his hand on my shoulder calmed me. Smiling sympathetically, he said, "Calm down, who told you that?" I also mentioned that I felt you were the most severe case in the ICU, and he assured me that wasn't the case. He said you were progressing well, and the entire situation would be analyzed. They didn't intend to go for intubation, and if it came to that, they would inform me well in advance and wouldn't hide anything from me. The smile and words of that wonderful Japanese doctor relieved all my anguish as if by magic, and from then on, it was only good news.

You woke up even better than yesterday; your vital signs were good. But I only realized a significant difference in your health when the doctors came to give me the excellent news that they would switch you back to the vapotherm high flow treatment. They said they would alternate between the vapotherm and NIV, but this was already an excellent step, and I couldn't be happier. The doctor mentioned that, in addition to your excellent progress, alternating would be important since you had been on the NIV mask for 48 hours and it could potentially start causing harm.

As soon as they removed the NIV mask and placed you on high flow, you looked like a different child, my daughter was back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You played with your toys, clapped your hands, blew kisses, smiled, and even started hitting yourself again. There, my daughter, my little angel was back! I cannot describe the joy we all felt. It was a feeling of immense happiness, with relief, hope, renewal, and rebirth! I was so grateful for everything and everyone, for the universe! I hugged you, kissed you, and I feel like the happiest person in the world. It's as if you were reborn.

08/12 - Chapter 170: The heart brings you back

Finally, the result of your viral panel test has arrived. Not only were you infected with respiratory syncytial virus (which we already knew from the first test), but the adenovirus was also detected in you. The doctor informed us that these are the two most aggressive viruses, and you had both. I believe that's why your condition worsened.

The doctor also mentioned, pointing to the machines:

- We know a patient is in a very critical state when there are several machines in the room, and we know they are improving when we start removing these machines.

Hearing her say that you were in a very critical state sent a shiver down my spine and made me relive the entire day of December 5th again. Your father asked, on a scale from 0 to 10, what your severity level was, and they said 7. They all mentioned that your condition was serious, believing that you would worsen even with the NIV mask and that you would need intubation. And you surprised everyone with your strength!

But today was aother day that I feel happy and joyful! Not only are you better, but you didn't even need to alternate between the two treatments. You didn't have to go back to the NIV mask, which is great news. I forgot to tell you as well that yesterday when you got much better, while your father and I were having dinner, you pointed to the food and water and really wanted them, but they hadn't been approved yet.

But today, my love, even with the nasal tube still in place, the doctors allowed your bottle with milk orally, and you deliciously drank 130 ml of milk. You also ate a bit of bread, cassava biscuit, pieces of pear, sipped some orange juice, and drank water! What joy! You haven't accepted solid food yet, but I think it's normal due to the amount of mucus you still have. You are still undergoing frequent suctioning. I can't wait to stop the suctions so that you don't have to go through this anymore.

In the afternoon, I received a visit from Aunt Ane, your grandmother's cousin. She came to bring you a beautiful little doll. How lovely. She asked me to call her Terezinha.

Aunt Ane is very affectionate and has been very sad in recent years since she lost her mother to COVID, the famous Aunt Nice! Since then, she has never been the same. Losing a child or a mother – those are two pains I would never wish on anyone. Despite being the norm and how life should function for a child to bury a parent and never a parent to bury a child, it is still painfully difficult. The love of a child for a mother can be as profound as a mother's love for a child. I understand her, and I sympathize with her pain. Her gesture of coming here was just beautiful.

When we arrived in the room, your father asked me to disinfect the little doll, so I applied hand sanitizer to it, and you loved it.

Later, you took a quick nap but were soon awakened for physiotherapy (massage and nasal suction), which put you in a bad mood. You always get in a terrible mood whenever someone wakes you up.

Your Aunt Tayna came to visit and stayed with you while you underwent nasal suction. Tayna was here because Rafinha, your cousin, has also been admitted since yesterday, with the same virus as yours. But he is doing much better and fighting the disease with much more strength. In fact, we still don't understand why he's in the hospital. His oxygen saturation is 100%, he's not using oxygen, and he's not doing anything at all. We believe that despite bronchiolitis, as he is very weak, the hospital is trying to extract some money from the health insurance.

You remained in a bad mood for a while, but later you played, watched cartoons, and had another bottle of milk before going to sleep again. Now it was your grandmother who was here with me, helping to take care of you! Despite your improvement, you still have so much mucus that it still scares me a little. I wonder why this mucus isn't going away after so much time. I will only be at ease when I see you out of this hospital. Now you are sleeping like an angel, hugging your new little doll!

09/12 - Chapter 171: Parking battle

Another day you showed improvement. Things are just getting better! When I leave here, I'll need at least 48 hours of sleep to make up for all these days.

In the afternoon, my cousin Letícia and her husband, Muniz, came to the hospital to give me a hug and chat for a bit. We went to the hospital's cafeteria, and my intention was to buy them coffee, but Muniz ended up buying coffee for all of us. A true gentleman. On top of that, they gave me a box of Kopenhagen chocolate (expensive chocolate here in Brazil). They never disappoint with gifts! Their whole family is extremely kind to me. We talked for about an hour, and I told them everything that happened. It's good to vent and get out of the room, talking to someone did me good.

On the 5th, in fact, your father and I were invited to dinner at their house for an adults-only night. You would stay at your grandparents' house. But, as everything happened, it didn't work out, and it turned out that the 5th was actually the worst day of my life, as mentioned before.

Returning to the room, you were taking a nap, so I took the opportunity to respond to some messages because there are many pending messages to respond to since you were admitted. But soon, you woke up.

Today you ate a little better than yesterday. You had some cassava cookies, a whole strawberry yogurt, bread, drank a whole mango juice, a cookie... But eating is still a challenging process; I think we need to be patient.

In the afternoon, you switched from the vaportherm machine to regular oxygen. A great step towards discharge. And at night, you also turned off the regular oxygen, and now you're breathing 100% on your own.

I tried to resolve some issues with the condominium we live in. Condominium matters are always complicated. I've been trying for a long time to insist on the parking space draw in the condominium because now it's practically impossible to get you out of the car. Our spot has a wall on the left side, meaning we need to exit on the right side. And on the right side, there's a red car that is usually there. When this red car is parked, it's practically impossible to get you out of the car because opening the door, the red car prevents me from opening it at a larger angle to get you out. Your father filmed this situation for the new condo manager in August, and he said the draw would take place in September or at the latest by the end of October. We are in December, and still nothing. So, I asked him again, and now he says probably in January. I'm losing patience and trying to find a lawyer who can serve notice or something on the condominium.

Even though I mentioned in the group some time ago about my problem, no one in that building had the empathy, solidarity, and humanity to switch spots with me. Today, talking to Letícia and Muniz, they said a simuilar situation happened in their building with a pregnant woman in a bad spot, and they gave up their great spot while she was pregnant. They are wonderful and enlightened people, but they are rare, so much so that in our condo no one spoke up. Still, it's the duty of the condo manager to resolve this situation. By the way, even mentioning that you were in the ICU, he never wished you well or said anything about it. Totally heartless, huh? It's okay that he's being paid to be the manager and not my friend, but he's not doing either =D

Another thing that happened in the condo group. The building's administrator also changed, and there were delays in the invoice this month due to the change. They went to the condo to deliver the printed invoices, and a lady named Ivone from the building took these correspondences and left them at the front desk for residents to pick up. There's a girl named Iramara who came to complain, saying, 'Please, no one take my mail.' The lady replied that she only took it to put it at the front desk, and still, she kept arguing, saying there's data security and blah blah blah, and they shouldn't have delivered it to her, or she shouldn't have taken such mail. Goodness, what an unbearable woman! Daughter, don't be like that. When someone does something, even if it doesn't please you, try to weigh whether that person had bad intentions or not. The intention should be the main pillar and parameter. And don't be an unbearable person like her. People like that are annoying; no one can live with them or cares to be around them. They have very low energy and don't add anything good to daily life.

I also think that people have very few problems in life, so they end up creating one or more just to distract themselves. If people had a seriously ill child admitted to the ICU, they wouldn't care about who delivered the condominium invoices.

They said this girl is snobbish because she has two apartments in the condominium, broke the wall between them, and lives in a 'large apartment' inside the building. And because of that, she thinks she's rich. HAHAHAHAHA, finding herself rich because she has two apartments in our condominium. Each apartment probably isn't worth more than R$500k, so she has a million reais. Wow, so wealthy!!!! Not to mention, our condominium isn't poor, but it's also far from being rich. It's actually a quite small apartment. Considering herself rich for having two small apartments is at least a joke, and even more so for flaunting it over others.

I told your father at night that I was a bit worried because it's been exactly a week since you've been in bed, without walking, and you might not be able to walk for a while. He and your grandmother laughed at me. I know what I'm talking about. When I had my foot in a cast for a month, it took me days or weeks to start walking again. I started walking on soft cushions at my grandmother's house, and I still remember the scene today. If I, who was already a big child, stopped walking for a month and 'unlearned,' you, who have been more than a week and are only one year old, have a good chance too. After the mockery, I asked the doctor, and she said it was possible. I loved seeing your father's dumbfounded expression. He always thinks he's right about everything, that he never hears anything wrong, never understands anything wrong, and so on. It was just great! Now, let's hope you haven't forgotten how to walk.

Speaking of casts, when I was a child, I loved having my leg or arm in a cast. You became a hit at school with friends and teachers, and besides, you could ask people to sign your cast, usually writing cool messages or simply signing their names.

Needless to say, when the cast was removed, all of that went into the trash, right? And I didn't anticipate the difficulty of walking afterward. If I remember correctly, there was a time I pretended to break my leg, made it seem much worse than it actually was, and managed to get it cast. I don't recall exactly, but now thinking about it, I can't understand how they misread an X-ray (if they even took one, again, I don't remember). But I guarantee it wasn't broken. I had casts about 3 times, and I can assure you none were actually broken, at most dislocated.

My mother on the other hand once, very nervous after hitting her sister Andrea's car, kicked the car's wheel... She had to cast it. But I also don't know if it actually broke; I think it might have just been dislocated.

My mother switched with your father, and tonight was the night you made the most mess. Trying to put you to sleep, you wouldn't stay still; it was a challenge to get you to sleep. You pulled out all the wires from your body, and my biggest concern is the PICC line. I'm even putting socks on your hands to prevent you from touching it, but I'm still afraid. Another tiring day, but happy!

10/12 - Chapter 172: The bachelor franchise

Today I was extremely tired. The physiotherapist came into the room very early and decided to suction your mucus at 6:00 a.m. and after that you couldn't go back to sleep. Last night your dad and went to bed late, and on top of that, your dad woke me up in the middle of the night. He had a nightmare and "didn't know where you were". You were RIGHT THERE in the crib. So, I woke up startled too, but then I saw you on the monitor and said: "She's right there." After that, I couldn't sleep properly, and I was the one who woke up. I kept checking your monitor, and I didn't like your saturation. But eventually, I fell asleep again and woke up at 6:00 when the physiotherapist came by. Very stressed and very tired after a week in the hospital, I called my mom around 7:00 and asked her to come here so I could go home to sleep. I was almost taking an Uber to the apartment, leaving your father alone with you. It was an utterly exhausting, complicated week that destroyed me physically and emotionally. And today, fatigue hit me very hard.

I know how difficult it is for my parents to wake up early. They are not morning people, and that's okay, but they did it for me. Both your grandfather and grandmother came around 10:30 in the morning.

Your dad and I then went to the apartment to rest for a bit. When we arrived, I slept, slept like an angel. I didn't even remember what it was like to have uninterrupted sleep. It's impossible to sleep here in the hospital. In the ICU, doctors and nurses are constantly coming in. Besides, there's the monitor that beeps constantly. It's a real nightmare. It's like you've just had a newborn, waking up every hour. But anyways, the afternoon was very productive; I rested, slept well, woke up, and ordered Popeye's: chicken burguer, fries and chicken fingers! We watched Bachelor in Paradise, enjoying the food.

"Bachelor in Paradise" is a reality TV show that brings together former participants from previous seasons of "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette." Participants aim to find love on the beach, where they have the opportunity to connect and form romantic relationships. The show involves regular eliminations and exciting twists.

Since 2016, I entered the world of The Bachelor, and it was love at first sight! I watched an episode when I was in Hawaii, and since then, I haven't stopped. As it's not available on any Brazilian platform, I always download it on my computer.

Now, the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise is not as good like we used to be. Now the participants seem to be there only for fame and social media followers rather than to find love. The original purpose of the program was to find love. It used to work like this: there was a man, the Bachelor, and more than 20 women vying for his heart. He met several women, got to know them, talked, connected, and each week eliminated some until only one remained, whom he proposed to in the end. But there are many emotions because often the man ends up falling for more than one woman. But in the end, I always root for everything to work out.

After the success of the reality show (it's quite old, launched in 2002 when I was 9, and it's still airing at 30), they created The Bachelorette, where the woman chooses the man. However, in the end, the two finalists propose to the woman, and she gives the rose to the chosen one, in addition to saying yes to the marriage proposal.

But Bachelor in Paradise is the best of these franchises, the most fun of all! Your father didn't know it, but after moving in with me, he ended up surrendering, and now he likes to watch it a lot!!!

It was night, and we returned to the hospital. I stopped at McDonald's to buy french fries for you because my parents said you hadn't eaten anything. You had eaten the hospital food in one day. You only want to eat things you can pick up with your little hands, and since meat, chicken, and rice are practically impossible, you reject them right away. Needless to say, you almost ate the whole thing. You loved it and savored every bite. But it's okay, my daughter. After a stressful and terrifying week, not only for your parents but for you as well, you deserve the world! You deserve to eat all the fries you want for bravely fighting off two strong viruses and recovering from a very serious condition in the ICU. You are my warrior, and you've once again proven to be my little miracle!

11/12 - Chapter 173: Two birds with one stone

The news we had been eagerly waiting for happened: you were discharged from the ICU. Early today, we would move to the room and leave the ICU environment, which is always a very concerning place, as the name suggests. Your dad had the tattoo course today, so I would stay with you. However, your grandparents offered to spend the afternoon with you so that, once again, I could go to the apartment to rest and return in the evening to be with you.

Arriving in the room, we also received the news that you would likely be discharged tomorrow because you're doing very well. I can't wait to leave this hospital with you. It will bring some relief to all this apprehension, although I won't be completely calm after everything I've been through. I'll be much more careful with you, but just leaving here will already alleviate a lot of this feeling of apprehension.

Before your grandparents arrived, I was angry and frustrated with the physiotherapist who attends to you here in the room, very different from the physiotherapists who attended to you in the ICU. She came to see if you needed suctioning, which you didn't, so she only did a syringe wash. So far so good but the problem was with opening the ampoule caps. I hadn't noticed at first, but later, I realized that the caps were loose all over the bed, literally around you. There were so many small caps that could easily choke a baby. Even an adult could choke, to be honest, despite being small, they are quite wide. When I asked her how many ampoules she used, she couldn't answer properly, but by my count, it was six. I had only found five caps. However, I was hopeful that she had kept the at least 1. With a mother's instinct, I searched the entire room for the sixth cap, even though I wasn't sure if it really existed. I turned that bed upside down, took out the pillow, the sheets. I found no cap, so I concluded that she had the sixth cap. After about 10 minutes, I was sitting with you on the couch, a bit on my phone, and when I looked at you, I almost had a heart attack: you had something transparent in your mouth, and when I opened your mouth, guess what? The cap! I was furious; I knew this would happen. I knew you would find the cap much easier than me if it existed. How does a physiotherapist do this working in a children's hospital? Does she think all children are over three years old and won't put anything in their mouths? My God, what a lack of preparation, awareness... So irresponsible! I called the nurse, asked how many ampoules there were because if there were more than six, I would demand that everyone search for the missing caps with me. She went to talk to the physiotherapist but said there were six. I still wasn't sure, but I let it go.

Your grandparents arrived almost at the end of the afternoon, and I went to the apartment. I arrived a bit late, but I managed to organize some things I needed on the computer, take a shower, blow-dry my hair, and sleep a bit. So, it was very productive. At night, I returned to be with you at the hospital. Once again, I bought French fries for you since it's your last day in the hospital. I also bought fries for myself. This afternoon, you ate a bit of my lunch with me, really liked the eggplant and chicken. However, at night, when your meal came with rice, you didn't want it. That's why I bought fries again; you need to start eating again. It will be a somewhat tedious and time-consuming process because the last time you were sick, the same thing happened. It took a long time for you to start eating what you used to eat. I believe it will be even worse now. But I'll be patient. I have to be.

I'm a bit upset about my mom. Yesterday, she told me that she fired the two maids who had been working with her for so long. Maria, who had been with her for over 12 years, and Beth, who had also been with her for a long time. My mom had been unhappy with both of them for quite some time but yesterday was the last straw. When I called my mom at 7:00 a.m. she was already tired and exhausted from all the problems that were happening. She needed them to go to work as usual and fulfill their job duties. Beth, as always, had missed work the day before, and she also missed the next day as well. My mom sent her a message saying that she understood that this time she had missed work because of her daughter, but she also needed Beth to understand her side. My mom was exhausted, had been with me in the hospital for a week, not to mention that you would be discharged soon, and everything needed to be arranged, without any dust or anything that could affect your breathing issues.

Beth responded that she understood her side but stated that her family came first. That would have been fine, but her fatal mistake was adding at the end that if she was causing any inconvenience to my mom, she could fire her. This wasn't the first time Beth wrote this. What's the need to write that? It seems like she wants to be fired but doesn't have the courage to quit. So, my mom finally responded that it was okay, that Beth should pay for the pending days she still owed, and that everything was settled.

Obviously, Beth didn't respond anymore, and I don't believe she'll pay for the days she still owes, to be honest.

Maria, on the other hand, was different, and my mom was even more furious due to her lack of respect. She sent a message to Maria, questioning her about several clothes that hadn't been washed, including a white bag that was on top of the washing machine.

Maria responded with disdain in an audio message: "For your little kingdom, Mrs. Simone, I did wash the clothes from the white bag and put them back in the bag. Next time, you should ask."

Firstly, one cannot speak this way to a superior at work, and let this be a lesson. One day, you'll be an employee, and there is something called hierarchy. It's essential to respect your employer, and if you're not satisfied, resign! Never stay in a harmful, toxic environment or with someone who disrespects you, yells at you, or makes you feel inferior. If your situation isn't any of these, and you've simply become familiar with your boss, it's crucial to remember not to speak with such familiarity, much less bordering on disrespect. My mom was quite upset and told her she wouldn't need to return to work on Monday.

Maria is a kind-hearted, straightforward, and very honest person, but she doesn't work efficiently. She spends all her time in the kitchen, focusing only on dishes, food, and laundry. She never picks up trash from the floor or even a dirty glass in another room that isn't the kitchen. Besides constantly listening to the radio, she receives calls and talks on the phone almost all the time with her daughter. She even quit another job because the employer said no phones were allowed during working hours.

She takes forever to do her duties. For intance, we are in december and one of your clothes is waiting to be washed since the end of october...

Maria doesn't stay in any job for long, and my mom has always been good to her. Her grandfather even helped her brother (who was innocent, but still) get out of jail for free, pro bono. But gratitude is something that, once again, humans seem not to understand. Not to mention all the gifts my mom has given her, donations, and many other things...

My mom tried a few times to talk to her about dissatisfaction with her work and the slowness in getting things done (for example, Bete cleans wonderfully, always has spare time, and when she finishes everything she has to do, she finds something else to do, like organizing your closet, for example – she is effective). But Maria doesn't accept being criticized in any way. She gets angry and argues that she does what she can and won't change! Again, she won't admit that anyone can criticize her work, and that, my dear, is a lack of humility.

We all make mistakes, and we need to leave room for people to direct us about those mistakes so we can improve. If you start a job and vehemently refuse to listen to any complaints from your boss, it won't work unless you start your own business.

I know my mom dismissed both of them who had worked for her for so many years on the same day, and she is upset about the lack of respect and consideration at a time when she needed it the most, with you in the hospital.

Friendship between an employee and an employer is a controversial matter, and I understand why. The problem arises when these contexts become confused and start affecting dialogue. A friend feels awkward about criticizing another, even if they are very dissatisfied. And, in turn, another friend feels offended if their attention is called. It's a very tricky situation.

12/12 - Chapter 174: A fresh new start

Today was finally the day you were discharged from the hospital my love. After nine challenging days in the hospital and ICU, we are heading home—what a relief, what a joy! Your dad picked us up early in the morning, and before leaving, we stopped by the hospital's reception because my friend Camila left a christmas gift for you.

We went home and were warmly welcomed by your grandpa. You spent the whole day playing, and we opened aunt Camila's gift, which was some pretend play food like french fries for kitchen play. One of them was pretend french fries, and since you love McDonald's fries that I brought you the last two days, you thought it was real and tried to eat the plastic ones, poor thing. But it was very funny hahaha.

In summary, we had a happy and grateful day for everything. You are still giving us a hard time to eat, but I think I need to have a bit of patience. I hope that soon you will go back to your old eating habits. Now it's time to focus on your recovery.

13/12 - Chapter 175: Just a regular day

Today, we went to the doctor recommended by Aunt Rosane, a bit far, but that's not important. He is an allergist, and at first glance, I found him a bit stern and cold. But my aunt swears he's excellent! He ordered a battery of blood tests to investigate allergies. We're going to do it soon.

Afterwards, we stopped by the mall and went to exchange your clothes at Zara! There were so many beautiful things that it was hard to choose just one, but I ended up opting for a Disney sweatshirt, and my mom chose a denim skirt shorts for you.

Leaving there, we went to McDonald's, and you had your third french fry this week (don't let your dad know about it), and that's enough french fries for a while. You also had your first fast food meal, a delicious x-burguer but it wasn't as I expected. You're quite complicated when it comes to eating.

On the way back, we stopped by the apartment to organize some things, and it was wonderful to see you in your little home again after almost 2 months. I'm so grateful for everything.

Your dad slept there because the next day he would get his second tattoo. Leaving the apartment, we finished our night by stopping at your godmother's house and playing a bit with your cousin Rafinha.

14/12 - Chapter 176: Welcome, Bernardo!

Today was very hot, so we spent more than two hours together in the pool. However, for at least 40 minutes, you were sleeping in my mother's arms and later in mine, you were so relaxed. My dad had the pool heating, and the water was delightful. If he hadn't heated it, even with the hot weather, this pool doesn't warm up at all; the water is super cold, and it's very hard to get into. But it was very pleasant and enjoyable! Check out the video of you sleeping in your grandma's arms, so sweet!

Also today, we received the beautiful news that your "cousin" Bernardo, Laís and Lucas's son, was born. Joaquim got a little brother. And who knows, in a distant future, Joaquim or even Bernardo might become one of your loves? After all, Joaquim is a year and a few months older than you, and Bernardo is a year and a few months younger. Bernardo was born weighing 3,800 grams, and you were born with 2,800 grams, he was much chubbier than you, such cuteness!

In the afternoon, your cousin played with you, but he was a bit cranky, and later in the evening when Tayna and Rafael arrived, we found out why... he had a fever of 38 degrees. My God, what a nightmare, it feels like I'm living in a loop, an endless cycle. How did this happen????? We can't even think about you catching another illness/cold or something just two days after leaving the hospital! Now we will watch you closely, and I hope you haven't caught it. I wouldn't bear another one so soon...

15/12 - Chapter 177: Celebrating a marriage

Remember when I told you that my mom fired Bete and Maria on the same day? Well, forget what I said. During the week, she talked to Bete (when Bete came to make up for the missed days), and after a long conversation, Bete assured her that she wouldn't miss any more days due to avatage issues. I expected it because, as I talked to my mom over these days, I realized she would try to talk to Bete to keep her. But Maria seemed something solid, and my mom didn't want her anymore!

However, today, Maria came to work in the house next door, and they talked. After their conversation, my mom decided to give Maria another chance. As much as I have a good heart and work with charity, I think my mom was wrong in this. She has been dissatisfied with Maria's work for many years, and she pays well, so she needs to find someone like Bete who can do everything she needs (Bete's issue is the absences, but she is excellent in cleaning and efficiency), someone who not only takes care of food and clothes but also takes initiative and is more effective like Bete. However, I understand the other side, Maria has been with us for so many years, and there is that famous "consideration." Don't get me wrong, I adore Maria; she has always been sweet and very affectionate with both me and you, but as I told you, in work, we need to be careful with this thin line, we need to be careful about mixing friendships with work because, in the end, you end up sacrificing yourself and sticking with the "friend" out of consideration and not to hurt anyone's feelings.

About 4 housemaids already contacted my mom, all of them were recommendations and were trustworthy. One of them could be like Eliane, whom she loved so much in the past (the woman who worked with my mom that she liked the most, but when we moved to Serra, she couldn't come).

But my parents have a heart of gold and their hearts in the right place. While I think it's wrong, I'm proud of them!

In the afternoon, my friend Renata, the one who studied with me in elementary school and whom I met again in Barcelona (she is living there now), came to spend the afternoon here by the pool. Another extremely hot day, and we stayed in the pool, but today you were in a bad mood. You also slept for a good while in my lap while Renata and I caught up.

We had some snacks, then made burgers, and before it got dark, she left.

Your grandparents went out at night to celebrate 33 years of marriage at a restaurant my mom loves.

PS: Tonight, your dad gave you a bath and accidentally dropped shampoo in your eye. It was a real nightmare, and you cried a lot. He felt guilty, but I assured him that these accidents happen sooner or later. Although in this case, it shouldn't happen since it's a BABY shampoo and should not, in any way, sting the little eyes!

16/12 - Chapter 178: Jingle Hell

After another consecutive day at the pool, the only highlight of the day is the argument between your father and me. Things had been tense since we left the hospital, given the adrenaline and stress we experienced with your situation. The psychologist said it's normal considering what we went through; it was a very frightening and exhausting situation for both of us.

But the argument arose because of Christmas. Out of nowhere, your dad said he wanted to spend next year's Christmas with his family, a year ahead of the actual holiday. I said that was something I couldn't give up, and it truly is very difficult for me.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before because I get lost in the chapters, but Christmas was extremely magical for me in childhood. I believed in Santa Claus until around the age of 10, and every Christmas was magical. My parents cultivated the magic of Christmas in my heart. In childhood, we spent Christmas with many people, including my cousins who were all around the same age. So it was incredible for us as children to be surrounded by cousins and receive so many presents from everyone. Also, your grandpa would spread white powder in his big shoes, pretending to be Santa Claus's footprints, and he would take my sister's tiny shoes, mimicking the footprints of an elf next to Santa's.

On Christmas Eve, my mother would see some light in the sky, like that of an airplane, for example, and she would shout in amazement: "Oh my God, it's Santa Claus's light!" My sister and I would desperately look at the sky, searching for it, and we truly believed that it was Santa Claus. Magical things that I can't put into words. My sister believed in Santa Claus until she was 12... I want to cultivate that Christmas magic in you. I want you to believe in the magic of Santa Claus bringing your gifts and experience it with your family. I know his family is also your family, but even he said once that Christmas there is very quiet; his mother doesn't even put up a tree, they go to sleep before midnight (which sucks) and there aren't many gifts... Here, you are surrounded by gifts, food, family members, play games all the time, and many, many, many toys. Not to mention the fun and the company of your cousin Rafinha, your best friend. He can't understand, but I also understand his side of being so upset with me, but this is something so deep for me that I can't just let it go. It's different when you are older, but he says that by then his parents won't even be alive. This is so messed up. Why can't his parents also come to spend Christmas with you? I can't understand. But it's very difficult for me; honestly, I don't know how to make a turn. But him taking this away from me is so painful.

17-21/12 - Chapter 179: And now... hives!

I didn't update the diary for a while because our life has been hectic this week. We returned to the apartment and had to readjust to our old routine. Also, no more daycare (at least for now at the end of the year).

I'll give you a summary of the week: once again, your meningitis vaccine didn't work because red rashes started appearing on your skin, like many mosquito bites, an allergy, rash, I don't really know... All I know is that I feel someone is wishing you harm because this is not normal! One of those days we woke up and your leg was covered in rashes. We urgently scheduled an appointment with a pediatrician who said you had hives, probably from something you ate. The day before, you had only eaten something different: tomato sauce and sesame oil, and we thought it might be the oil.

The doctor prescribed Allegra for 10 days, and everything indicated that it would improve. The next day, you were better, but the rashes were still there, appearing and disappearing constantly. I also thought that the new soap I started using on you could have caused it. But it was only the next day that I began to suspect the medication used in your inhaler, Symbicort. Early in the morning, when I applied it, your skin broke out in hives again. I will suspend it for 24-48 hours and observe. Let's see...

I started working on my new business idea to open abroad. I don't want to say much right now because I'm afraid it won't work out, but if it doesn't, I'll tell you later, and if it does, I'll tell you too. All I can say is that the investment has been made, and I'm working hard on it throughout the week. On the first and second days, things didn't go as I imagined; everything went wrong. But then, as I learned, things started to improve a lot. There is great hope for us. But we still have a long way ahead, especially if everything goes well, deciding where we will live. Despite loving Sandy, I'm starting to see that things in California are not good at all. Also, the rent and the cost of living in California are absurd. I found Charleston in South Carolina and Virginia Beach interesting. It's all still very distant, but let's see.

This week, your father and I will have dinner at Aunt Letícia and Uncle Muniz's house. We stayed there for over 4 hours, and the night was very pleasant. On that day, you slept at your grandfather and grandmother's house. I had a very serious conversation with Aunt Letícia, but it's her secret and something very important to her, so unfortunately, I can't tell you, at least not here because I never know who will have access to all the information, it wouldn't be fair to her. But if everything goes well, I'll tell you in person because you are my confidante. All I can say is that sometimes the world is just, and her current situation is proof of that.

Your father started getting his second tattoo, had the first session. He didn't like it much because he felt that the needle didn't penetrate enough, and according to the professional tattoo artist, he was right. But this can be easily corrected in the second session, so let's wait and see how his second tattoo will turn out.

The gifts that your grandfather promised to buy for everyone involved in your recovery in the ICU are ready and will be delivered tomorrow at the hospital. Almost 60 people involved in your recovery received gifts from your grandfather. On the other hand, your grandmother bought over 40 gifts at a store for underprivileged children and will deliver them before Christmas. Your grandparents are wonderful people.

23/12 - Chapter 180: Nanny's life

Today my mom asked Beth's daughter to come with her to babysit you. It was great because I had planned to take my boss's gift to the company, but it turned out it didn't work out because she wasn't at the office that day and had already started her vacation. Nevertheless, my mom asked me to deliver two Christmas gifts to our veterinarians who take care of our pets. Since there was no one to leave you with, Bete's daughter, Amanda, took care of you in the meantime. You can tell she doesn't have much experience; she's very shy and not quite ready to babysit, she lacks initiative. I don't plan to keep her as a babysitter, especially since I intend to send you back to school as soon as possible, but she's training with my sister and my nephew, and don't believe she'll last too long. Babysitting is not easy; you have to keep the child entertained, try not to let them cry all the time, being a distraction so that parents can get things done.

I babysat for two families in San Diego when I was in the United States. In the first family, I took care of a little girl, Isabel, who was around 4 years old. I also looked after her little brother, Liam, who was only three months old. It was with him that I gained a lot of experience—I gave my first bath, changed several diapers, and learned to hold and entertain him very well. The first bath I gave to the three-month-old baby (again Liam, which, by the way, would be the name of my son if he were a boy) was terrifying. I had never bathed a baby before, and bathing is a very complicated thing—imagine doing it for the first time with someone else's child. It was a lot of responsibility, and indeed, it was quite difficult and stressful, but I managed.

This first family was a somewhat complex situation. I really enjoyed taking care of the children; Isabel was an extremely spoiled girl. I noticed it from the first day I interviewed at their house, sort of a test for approval. But as I was good with children, I managed to navigate the situation and adapt to her ways. I've always gotten along well with kids and have always loved them, especially the little ones. So, despite her being quite spoiled and challenging to deal with, I could handle and please her, distracting her from episodes that would frustrate anyone. Of course, her upbringing played a role in reaching that point, but it's no one's place to judge, it was not my concern. When you're a nanny, you are there to do your job, not to give opinions on others' lives. My friend Camila, who babysat her after me, couldn't stand her. She thought Isabel was a truly unbearable child. But, again, it's not the child's fault; it's the parents' upbringing. I got along well with her, and her parents noticed, especially the mother—though I believe the father didn't like me much, for reasons unknown. As for Liam, I started taking care of him in 2019 when I returned to San Diego. I worked with him every day. When I left that family, I confess I felt a disturbing emptiness. You get very attached to the child, spending every day caring for them; it's quite challenging to deal with the absence, but over time, I adapted and gradually detached myself.

I enjoyed taking care of Liam more than Isabel because, let's say, time passed more quickly with him since I had more tasks in mind. Isabel's distraction was a bit more complicated and monotonous. But I have to say that the parents in the first family somewhat took advantage of my goodwill. When you're a babysitter, all child-related responsibilities fall on you, including washing the kids' dishes and clothes. However, a babysitter should never wash the family's dishes and, especially, the family's clothes—only those of the children. There's a big difference between a babysitter and a housekeeper. A babysitter is there exclusively to deal with and care for the children and their things. Still, they asked me to wash everyone's clothes and dishes. Despite having a dishwasher, they never used it, and I wasted a lot of time washing dishes. I didn't hate it; it passed the time, but it wasn't technically my job.

A not-so-great aspect of this family is that they never offered me anything to eat. I know it's not the family's responsibility, and many families indeed don't offer food, but when I lived there, I faced difficulties because of my pride. I refused to ask my parents for money, so there were times when I went a bit hungry. Nothing extreme, but sometimes, watching people eat things made me crave them. In the house, it was no different; many times, I stayed for lunch and dinner, but only to feed the children—I never ate with them. I confess that once I took a chocolate from the pantry; I know it's entirely wrong and something I don't encourage you to do ever. It's not ethical and morally ugly, but it happened. I hope never to repeat that.

Anyway, the last time I worked for them was when they invited me to take care of Isabel in a hotel they were going to. It was very close to the first place I lived in SD. I think it was a fateful day for all of us because they weren't happy with me, and I wasn't happy with them. After that, we never spoke again. I remember that at the hotel, there was a wonderful breakfast for all guests, and they didn't offer me a single piece of bread. I find that a bit inhumane, you know? Especially since they wouldn't have to pay anything for me, and there was no one monitoring or keeping track of that.

In the second family, the experience was entirely different. Their mother not only asked me to cook just for them but also insisted that I join them for dinner. So it was a great relief for me to have at least that meal included in my daily routine. The family always treated me very well, serving me everything. It was quite different. I know the father was a doctor, and the mother was a nurse. They seemed to be well-off; I remember they each had a Tesla car, which is quite expensive. The children were very polite. If I remember correctly, the younger one (Joshua) one was seven years old, and the older one (Jacob) was ten years old. They were well-behaved and had strict but loving upbringing. They were korean, and the siblings were close. The work was much lighter and more peaceful. My role was practically to drive them to tasks and places they needed to be. Besides, I dropped them off and picked them up from school since it was very close to their house.

The house was simpler, but still very good. The first house was my dream house, to be honest; I even recorded a video so that if I ever build my own house, I would base it on that one because it was incredible.

Anyways, returning to the second family topic, everyone treated me with respect and consideration. The children were not spoiled at all; on the contrary, they had a very nice upbringing. They slept early, around 6:30 in the evening, and woke up very early, around 5:30 in the morning. Their week was quite busy, from piano lessons to activities like baseball, taekwondo, and other activities that I honestly don't remember now. But every day of the week was filled.

I remember the first thing they needed to do when they got home from school was homework. They also played a lot together, which was very enjoyable to watch. They were well-mannered, never rude or disrespectful. In fact, in all the months I worked there, the only time I saw them fighting was once when they started physically hitting each other. It was the first and only time I had to put one of them in timeout - of course, with the mother's consent -who had explained to me beforehand how the punishment worked. For each child's age, I had to make them stand facing the wall, and, for example, the seven-year-old would stay standing facing the wall for seven minutes, and the older one for 10 minutes, corresponding to their respective ages. Interesting.

I also remember they ate very little sugar and almost never watched TV during the week; it was exclusively on the weekends. And to get things that children usually like, such as eating sweets or watching TV, they had to accumulate cards points and then exchange those points for what they wanted. For example, if they did their homework every day, they received an one point card; if they brushed their teeth, two points cards; if they ate their entire meal, it was three points cards. So, to watch TV, for example, you had to accumulate 40 points, and then you could exchange all your points for what you wanted. Eating chocolate was 15 points. And for every wrong thing they did, they would lose points. I found this teaching method very interesting and might apply it to you in the near future. I don't want you to have such a strict upbringing with many activities every day to avoid overwhelming you. Still, I also want to teach you to be polite, not spoiled like Isabel, and have a better upbringing than the first family I worked for.

But I would do it all over again. In fact, between the ages of 20-25, my goal was to be an Au Pair in the USA. I was ready to pack my bags and leave, but after filling out my application to be an Au Pair through a travel agency, my application was rejected after a while because I made the mistake of mentioning that I had experienced depression in the past. I remember reading the rejection email on the subway and breaking down in tears, even with the crowded train. It felt like my world was falling apart back then. It was something I wanted so much, and it didn't happen. I was honest and until this day I think it was so unfair to me... After all, people with depression work. Moreover, a job can often help distract the mind and even contribute to overcoming the illness.

The main point is that I hadn't dealt with depression for years. I mentioned that I had it in the past, but still, I was rejected. But at the end of the day, in the not-so-distant future, fate ended up placing me as a babysitter, giving me the opportunity to have that experience I had idealized so much, and it didn't disappoint. I am very grateful to have had this experience and to have connected with these children who still have parts of my heart.

24/12 - Chapter 181: A flying satan

Once we woke up, we got ready and went to my parents' house to spend our fun Christmas Eve with the family. We didn't go the night before because during the day, we visited Aunt Rosane's house for a pre-Christmas gathering with your grandfather's family. We had a barbecue, but it wasn't very enjoyable because, despite renting the grill space, it rained a lot. We ended up confined in a small space, and being confined in a small space with you and your cousin Rafinha is the definition of living hell.

The only highlight of yesterday was Cláudio dressing up as Santa Claus to give presents to you and Rafinha, and you being scared of him. A few months ago, I would have said that Rafinha would be the one afraid of Santa, not you. Look how the tables turned.

I also got the Breathing essential oil from Flávia that I ordered through her friend. Let's see if it really works; I need to see it to believe it because it seems a bit hard to believe.

Since we left there late and still needed to get many things for our visit to my parents' house, we decided to go the next day. But we didn't go late. As soon as we arrived, we spent the whole day in the pool, eating delicious peanuts of all flavors and shapes you can imagine, drinking peach and condensed milk drinks, talking, laughing, all of it at the pool bar. And you had so much fun! So much so that we lost track of time, and many left the pool when it was already dark.

The problem started at nightfall when the power began to fail in the house. My dad tried the generator, but it didn't work either. He tried for hours to figure out the problem without success. So, we ended up with half the house with electricity and half without. And believe it or not, this is not the first Christmas that this has happened.

We started our Christmas very late. Actually, by 10 p.m., you were already getting very sleepy and crying a lot, so what we did was give the children's presents first before starting our night. But you were so tired that you didn't even notice and enjoyed the gifts as if you weren't so sleepy. Shortly after, I put you to sleep effortlessly.

As soon as you fell asleep, at midnight, we hugged and had our Christmas dinner. Then the secret friend (which went well) and the thief friend (which didn't go so well) started. But in the interval between these two, something terrible happened to me...

Early in the evening, we noticed an insect flying behind one of the lamps in the living room. I thought and feared it might be a cockroach, but I tried to push that thought away. After hours, that pest flew in the direction of my grandfather. To be more precise, it flew behind his head/back and stayed there. When I saw it, I screamed and moved away, hiding behind the chair. Everyone called me crazy and told me to calm down, that it was just a small moth. I believed them, thought they had actually seen that it was a moth, and I was being crazy. Even though I believed, I returned to my seat apprehensively and a little scared.

After a few minutes, that DAMN supposed moth – which wasn't a moth, you can probably guess what it was – opened those satanic wings and flew like a hellish plague, making a chilling noise towards me. God, I will never forget and erase from my mind that scene. It's marked as a scar in my mind: tlac tlac tlac tlac and a brown creature literally coming towards me. Towards... my... FACE! Marina, my cousin, was on my left side, and your father was on my right side, and both of them saw the scene perfectly well. The cockroach flying literally towards my face and Marina's.

I don't remember much; I don't know if the damn cockroach reached my hair. I just know that I didn't feel it on my face, although it had planned all night to do so. I was quick because I was already alert to my surroundings and the movement it could make (and did). Not giving a chance for that pest, I ran away with Marina screaming at the top of my lungs, almost having an epileptic fit, and hitting my hair so that if it was there, it would LEAVE!

That said, I don't know and didn't feel it anywhere, but I hit and hit, and everyone tried to calm me down. My mom, who was outside and heard my screams, tried to calm me down at the door, saying:

- Calm down, it's just a beetle, are you making a fuss over a beetle now?

• Trying to calm me down but judging me, you know? Which is completely WRONG and INVALID at that moment. And I, so nervous, shouted at her to shut up... on Christmas Day. Damn it! Everyone heard... But at the same time, everyone was so compassionate and pitiful toward me that, in fact, no one cared or was horrified by what I said.

I know that after a while, they killed the pest, and when I returned to the living room, they told me the truth and said it was a cockroach. I already knew, but having everyone confirm that only sent a shiver down my spine because just thinking that indeed, with no doubt, a cockroach almost touched my face is something that, for me, there is - almost - nothing worse. I have constant nightmares about it; it's so terrifying for me that no one will ever be able to understand unless they have the same PHOBIA as me (phobia, not fear, as already explained).

This kind of ruined my night. I was quiet, down, still processing what was happening. It destroyed all my Christmas spirit.

But before we started the thief friend, I apologized to my mom for the scream, but I think she didn't even notice when I screamed. Even so, I apologized.

The thief friend, as always, caused confusion over money. Every year is the same thing LMAO. Júnior puts a large sum of money, and it's always someone from his own family who takes it, and people get mad hahhhahaha. It's also always them encouraging their children to exchange their gifts for something THEY want! In short, Júnior's whole family did well, they got the best presents and everything they wanted.

But I have to fess up that I've played it wrong, as I could have changed the course of the game, but it was too late.

I'll try to explain a bit: my mom gave a box of Nutella cookies (wonderful and very expensive here), a large Nutella jar, and several Nutella b-readys. That was what many wanted to take, but the low numbers knew they had no chance. So much so that Igor, who took this package, exchanged it with my dad (for a Lindt bar) because he knew someone would take his Nutellas (it was a very smart move). Cauã was the last number (17), and his mom was the first (1), which is actually the best number and could steal from everyone. We thought Cauã would take the Nutella, and that was his intention. But he opened a Ferrero Rocher and wanted to keep the Ferrero, meaning my dad still had the Nutella.

So, when it was my turn, number 15, I didn't steal the Nutella from my dad because I thought Cauã, 17, would take the Nutella. If I did, he would exchange any gift he got with mine, and I would have to end up with whatever he gave me. So, to prevent that, I stole something simpler.

On the other hand, there was a small, controversial Santa Claus figure that many people were exchanging because everything indicated it had money inside, and Marina was the last one with it. But I didn't even think about stealing Santa Claus because I SWEAR I didn't want money. That's not the Christmas spirit. But I should have had the spirit of a PLAYER and known that it would be the right move for me to get the Nutella. Because, let's face it, if I took Marina's Santa Claus (which was a few numbers before me), Cauã wouldn't take the Nutella. In other words, the Nutella would still be in my dad's hands. Then Débora, who would be the last and after Cauã, would have only TWO choices: 1 - Take the Santa Claus that ALMOST EVERYONE knew had money (especially them being family, I'm sure they knew). 2 - Take the box with Nutella.

I am absolutely certain that Débora would have taken the Santa Claus from me and not the Nutella. And then, my dad would surely give me the Nutella because he doesn't like Nutella. And that would have messed up Débora's move because she would have to choose between these two, and at the end of the day, her family ended up WITH THE NUTELLA and WITH THE MONEY because apparently, I am too dumb.

I just know that all of this took a turn and even led to fights because it's the same nonsense every year. Tayna mentioned that there shouldn't be money, but after Débora started arguing, she gave up mentioning anything, and then Pietra couldn't keep her mouth shut and said that Débora only cares about money (she's not wrong, but you can't say everything you think or want). All I know is that in the end, there was a heated argument between Débora and Pietra, and Cuca intervened and shouted at Pietra, which completely ruined the atmosphere.

Look, it's not for nothing, but what I wanted most in this game was that in the end, there was nothing inside Santa Claus. So that the person who ended up with it received a beautiful moral lesson and ended up with zero presents and only a small and silly Noel toy. Showing that those who have so much greed, especially on such a beautiful date, can end up with nothing. That would be a perfect lesson for many who needed it there.

It's a shame. Júnior is such a present and wonderful uncle, but money often blinds him and the whole family, and that's the value they're passing on to their children. I'll try to do differently with you and at least try not to make mistakes in that, in this part of upbringing.

But anyways, I'm just thankful I could be with you in our second christmas.

After everything we went through in the hospital, I'm just thankfull.... Merry Christmas, sweetie.

25/12 - Chapter 182: To go or not to go

Christmas day was quite calm. You woke up around 10:30, and since your father and I went to bed very late, we left you with those who were already awake. Believe it or not, my mother was one of them, but you ended up staying with Aunt Cuca's family, who always wakes up early.

When I finally woke up, you had already had breakfast and eaten a lot. I can summarize today as the whole family spending the day by the pool, while I was making crepes for everyone. I made cheese crepes, ham crepes, Nutella crepes, Nutella with banana crepes—everything you can imagine. But the important thing is that it worked out, and everyone liked it.

But Christmas wasn't completely happy since Junior and his family didn't come. They were already talking about not coming because it's too tiring for Débora to come here and then go to church later. But apparently, my mother had managed to convince them the day before to come after all, it's Christmas. However, they didn't come, and we believe that her argument with Pietra last night had something to do with it. Everyone was very upset, but not me because I honestly don't care. I'm just happy to spend Christmas with you and whoever wants to be with us. However, the siblings and my grandparents, who are their parents, were very sad and down.

We ate very well and around 8:00 a.m. my mom went to dinner with my dad, my sister, and Rafinha at my mother's extended family. I really wanted to go, but I had a big internal conflict. At the same time, I wanted to go to show you to everyone and personally thank everyone who prayed for you, asked for you, and cried for you during your recovery in the ICU. But I needed to be responsible and understand that you recently left the ICU, and it wasn't prudent to take you to a place full of people so quickly. So, I thought a lot about whether I should go or not, but in the end, I ended up opting for the most responsible choice and not going, despite wanting to a lot and especially to take you to show that you are well.

My mother came back about 3 hours later and told me that Junior showed up at night and was quite blue. He gave an excuse that he didn't come for Christmas because he woke up at 3:00 in the afternoon. But everyone knows he didn't come because his wife didn't want to come, but there's no way you can say that, right? So, people do this, they give lame excuses, but everyone knows it's a lie. I don't know why Débora doesn't make a sacrifice for her husband, considering how much he does for his family... And she knows how important Christmas is to him and his family. I find that ugly, you know, trying to distance the family from any partner. Family is sacred, beautiful, and something that should have great importance (of course, when it's not toxic because there are toxic families, but that's not our case). I think because she doesn't have her parents anymore, she ended up forgetting the weight that it carries in people's lives, after all, she was very close to her parents. Many women and men in relationships end up distancing their partners from the family, I find that regrettable.

As I told you, people should come into your life to add, to be an addition, and never make the other's life a subtraction. You can't be responsible for subtraction in your partner's life, just always be an addition; this is very important. So, my love, if you get involved with someone who cares about the family, who loves the family, who is close to the family, instead of feeling envy or anger or thinking that you are losing space, value it. Even more so if you are close to your family, make this comparison and see that it is a beautiful thing, not an ugly one. Encourage, support. And if your partner has been away from the family due to distance or whatever the reason may be, as long as it's not something toxic, encourage them to reconnect, try to be that anchor, the person who brings people together and not apart. Family is an important love, I hope that both you and your partner have it in your lives. So when it's your turn, be an addition and never a subtraction. Make his family yours, embrace the relatives, and think that those who raised who you are with today are them, and those who gave life to who you are with today are the parents!

So be grateful!

26/12 - Chapter 183: Christmas is not over yet

Today was the day we went to Uncle Décio's. Since you were in the hospital, he expressed a desire to dress up as Santa's helper and bring gifts and take a picture with you and Rafinha . After everything went well, and you were discharged, we planned the date for this to happen.

Later, the baby Bernardo, whom I mentioned in previous chapters, was born. When we asked if they preferred us to visit him in the hospital or at home, Uncle Décio said he would prefer we come to their house, considering your recent discharge from the hospital. We understood the concern, especially with a newborn in contact with a family that had two sick children in the ICU. He mentioned wanting to schedule the photo towards the end of the year, and it was set for today at 5:00 PM.

We had to head to São Paulo well before the scheduled time to buy Christmas gifts for the children, as they were also planning to give gifts to you and your cousin. We ended up running late due to picking up the car seat from your cousin's house and a surprise on the way – we found my dog, Zeus, who had escaped running loose on the street. After quickly getting him in the car and back home, we arrived at the toy store almost at 5:00 PM, the agreed-upon time. I had to take my time in the store, as it was huge and the prices were crazy. I bought two toys for Joaquim, the older one, and some clothes for the newborn Bernardo.

Then we went to the mall to buy a panettone for the family. On the way, we met my dad and your dad at their door, and we all entered together. We were warmly welcomed, and soon after, Uncle Décio appeared dressed as Santa Claus, delivering all the children's presents. It was enjoyable, but you, my daughter, got scared again and started crying, seeking your grandfather's comfort. However, after he left, you calmed down and started playing with your cousin.

Joaquim, despite being close in age, wasn't very interested in sharing toys or play with you, he probably felt that you and Rafinha were taking up space in his house, which is understandable for children. In reality, you and your cousin ended up playing almost the whole time, but it made us a bit anxious because Uncle Décio's house has a large, unprotected pool, and you two kept approaching it, wanting to jump in. We couldn't relax for a moment, just ate a bit, chatted, and kept a close eye on you two. Pool safety is crucial with children, and it reminded me that you'll start swimming lessons next month, in January – just like I did when I was very young.

After that, we spent some time chatting, and eventually, we headed back home. It was a stressful day due to delays, my dog, and other surprises, but in the end, everything worked out, and we were able to extend the Christmas celebration a bit.

You both received more toys, and now we need to donate some because there are too many. By the way, this is one of the things I want to teach you now that you have plenty of toys – when you receive one, I'll teach you to donate another. This shows that in life, we sometimes have to make sacrifices to get the things we want. It also demonstrates that we don't need everything to be happy, and with our donations, we can make other people happy. You'll receive a doll, and you can donate another doll you no longer play with, making another child happy thanks to your action. This is essential, babe. We have many clothes in the wardrobe that we never use because we hesitate to donate, thinking we might need them in the future. So, we keep buying more and more, always reluctant to let go of the old things. Gain something, give something away. Try to make this a healthy and habitual routine.

29/12 - Chapter 184: Echos of absence

Tonight, my parents went to Aunt Rosely and Uncle Toninho's house, trying to convince Toninho to spend New Year's Eve with us. With Leo's recent move to Australia, Toninho was reluctant due to his son's departure, expressing a desire to sleep early and avoid the New Year's celebration. This decision would have affected my aunt, who is also struggling with depression and wanted to distract herself for a happier New Year's Eve and against all the odds, my parents successfully persuaded Toninho, ensuring they will spend New Year's Eve with us.

The situation with my cousin Leonardo, who recently moved to Australia is complicated. While his parents are suffering and experiencing depression, he is happy, living with his girlfriend, buying a car, and enjoying a fulfilling life. Despite the sadness and distance, prioritizing the happiness of their child is crucial.

Reflecting on family dynamics in the United States and Brazil, I appreciate the strong family bonds in Brazil, where parents often support their children even into adulthood. In the U.S., young adults typically move out when they turn 18, and family reunions occur mainly during holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Altough I hate pretty much everything about Brazil, I really appreciate this family dynamic, is something I find genuine and beautiful. By the way, I've met a few people who leave their home country return due to homesickness.

The thought of potentially losing you early if we move to the U.S. is a downside though. It's one thing for a child to leave when getting married at 25 or 30, but another for an 18-year-old to navigate the world. But Léo is 30 and happy, it's time to let him grow. And despite the challenges, there's nothing preventing my aunt and uncle from joining their son in Australia. Nothing are holding their back and they have the financial resources. But my mom mentioned that my aunt doesn't want to disrupt Leo's life, but I believe my cousin may see it differently.

For me, the only challenge thing regarding moving to the U.S. - aside from visa bureaucracy - is being far from my family. If there were a way for my family to live close to me in the U.S., I genuinely believe I would be the happiest and most fulfilled person in the world.

31/12 - Chapter 185: Goodbye 2023!

Today was the last day of the year. A year filled with adventures, companionship, moments, laughter, tears, and stories. A wonderful year by your side. A new world with a baby, my daughter, and a much happier one.

It feels like my life truly began after your birth. You brought me light, you brought me everything.

To celebrate the transition to 2024, we stayed here with my parents. Your grandmother Sonia and mom's friends came: Nadia and her husband, Girleide and her girlfriend Luísa. Additionally, Aunt Rosely and Uncle Toninho, who are feeling down and depressed due to the departure of their son Leonardo, also came, as I mentioned earlier.

Everyone enjoyed themselves in their own way. My aunts and uncles had a good time chatting with my parents; your father and I had fun playing games and engaging in activities with my friends; and you had a great time with your cousin Rafinha.

We didn't celebrate the New Year together because it was 10:30 at night, and you were already getting sleepy, so I put you to bed.

But know, babe, that 2023 was a wonderful and special year for me. My life with you. There's nothing I want more in this world than to share moments and live great stories together.

I love you. Happy 2024!