To my daughter Melanie (April 2024)

 01/04 - Chapter 226: Somethings are better left unsaid

Today was a complicated day, but let's start from the beginning so you can understand. I woke up late today, like I have been doing for the past few days since your grandparents arrived. As soon as I woke up, I started cleaning some of your baby clothes to resell them. I had been saving them for a future child, if we were to have another girl or if my sister were to have a girl, but it seems we won't be having more children, at least not anytime soon. The problem, actually, is that when I went to look at your clothes, they were all yellowed. This happens when you store clothes in the wardrobe for a long time without them receiving any sunlight, especially in humid places like here in the mountains where there's a lot of mold. So I'm removing these yellow stains with a specific product I bought from the United States, and it's working great. That way, with the money I make from selling these clothes, I'll buy new ones for you, so I won't end up spending too much. Because being a mom to a girl and not spending on clothes is quite difficult, there are so many beautiful options... If you knew how much I spent on clothes for you when I was pregnant, my goodness.

Right after leaving the apartment, I went to physiotherapy. It was my second session because I have a herniated disc. I've been feeling pain for a while, and when I had an MRI done, it showed the worn-out disc. Now, I also need to schedule an appointment with the doctor to see if any kind of treatment will complement the physiotherapy. I'm doing physiotherapy three times a week, which takes up a lot of time. There, I received laser treatment and electroshock therapy, and then I returned home.

As soon as I got back, your paternal grandfather asked me to help look for a house to rent for our trip next week, and they wanted to go to Paraty. I've heard good things about Paraty, but it's considered part of Rio de Janeiro state, and it's almost a 5-hour drive, which isn't very good with a baby. Personally, I would go to Santos or Riviera, which are two nearby beaches, and I'm sure no one will be going into the sea. So, it doesn't matter if the sea is dirty or clean; what's important is playing in the sand, running around, just like you did in Santos. Since you're not going into the sea yet, what difference does it make? But my opinion counts for nothing, so as I'm in the minority, I just accept defeat. Later, I talked to your father and told him it wouldn't be a good idea for you because besides the distance, you've had flu-like symptoms for a week, a runny nose, diarrhea, so it would be very risky to go to such a far away place because if anything happens or if there's any problem with your breathing, it's a very small town, and the hospital isn't equipped for these serious conditions. After convincing him, we decided to go to Maresias instead.

I sent several houses that I found on Airbnb, but they ended up choosing an apartment instead, none of which I had sent, lol, but oh well.

Up until then, everything was fine. The problem really started when your father and I had our couples therapy session. It's amazing, but it seems that whenever we have the therapy, we come out of it much worse than when we went in. But that's not the fault of therapy; it's because in therapy, you touch on the sensitive points, you address the issues that are happening, things that you don't talk about in everyday life, and end up discussing and venting in therapy. Then everything comes to light, and the problems start to unravel. I mentioned the sugar episode, and your father defended himself by saying that it's been a long time since he talked about it, but it's not true. Whenever he has the opportunity to poke at me regarding this topic, by talking about articles he found or things he read, or making unfortunate comparisons with cocaine, he talks and does it. But there's no point in arguing; it's just pointless. Most of the therapy session was focused on this issue and the problem of giving you sugar, which in his mind, we do every day. It's true that when you're at your grandparents' house, you eat cookies that unfortunately contain sugar. But in the apartment, he says that I give you cookies, which is not true. I can count on my fingers the few times I gave you cookies in the apartment; it was once or twice when you cried or ate very well, and I thought you deserved a treat. So, it's true at my parents' house, but it's not true in the apartment.

And the psychologist mentioned that she deals with many cases where the couple faces the same problem regarding raising children with grandparents, but that it's very difficult to change the grandparents' ways. And we have to try to talk and find a middle ground, a balance for everyone. But let me tell you, what bothers your grandparents and me about your father is that he always finds a new problem. First, it's the screen time, then it's the cartoons, then it's what you eat, then it's your grandfather's smoking. It's as if he's developed a grudge. He's taken it to the point where he mentioned that he didn't want to come over on weekends anymore, if he could go out with his friends, focus on his tattooing, and you could come here so he wouldn't have to witness you doing these 'wrong things.'

But your grandparents can't help but be upset about all of this because all grandparents, at least all the grandparents I've known, taking into account that we live in Brazil and he doesn't, he never even had contact with his grandparents, he doesn't know the joy of having the love of a grandpa and grandma, they go through this too. But it seems like the problem is always bigger than the solution. It seems like he doesn't see everything my parents do for you. My parents pay for school, they pay for all the treatments and doctors, they pay for vaccines, they pay for everything you need. Not only that, but my parents take care of you; my mother spends time with you three times a week, putting aside her own things to be with you, but it seems like he doesn't recognize it. He wants to be a solo parent so much and doesn't want the grandparents to be a kind of parent, but he forgets that we can't afford to cover all your expenses. And he's not doing anything to change that. So it's a very complicated situation; it's like we were two teenagers who had a child. We can't support this child, and everything falls on my parents' shoulders. And at my parents' house, he needs to respect that, especially if they take care of you on weekends; they can have autonomy to do things differently. And if he and I aren't satisfied, what we can do is not bring you here and take care of you ourselves on weekends. But not going out with friends, taking care of our daughter, and being responsible. But it seems like these things go unnoticed, you know?

But the bigger problem started when we talked about our intimacy issue. In truth, we were never completely in love with each other. We have plenty of love, but we don't have what we call passion. And this has been the case from the beginning, and it's been six years living with this fact. We're aware that as we get older, passion doesn't matter anymore; what prevails is love. However, we're still young, and even as young people, we don't have part of the puzzle, which always bothered him. Not me, because I gave up on that type of love a long time ago, but for him, it has always been unsettling. However, at the end of therapy, he said something that hurt me a lot, something he didn't need to say. Some things, Mel, we don't need to say. Or actually, we can say it, but we always have to be careful about how we say what we want to say. We can express our feelings and thoughts in a gentler way, not aggressively. And what came out of his mouth yesterday came out as aggression, something that any woman would feel very bad hearing. So, I was in shock for a few seconds; I didn't know what to say to the therapist, she just said that it's a complicated problem, she also didn't know how to respond to what he said, and I couldn't even finish the final minutes of therapy; I had tears in my throat. I left without saying goodbye to the therapist and went upstairs.

I believe that immediately your dad realized the mess he had said and done, but it was too late. A word spoken can't be taken back. For the first time, I feel that within me, things have ended like this; I'm tired. Tired of living a life that is practically that of a teenager, a life without responsibility, without planning, without work, a life where we are so culturally different, a life of arguing about raising our daughter. My daughter has been in the hospital twice, on the brink of death, but the big problem is her eating cookies or watching Baby Shark. I don't want this for the rest of my life, or at least as long as you live under our roof. These things wear you down, they tire you out. And in a way, we're hindering each other's lives. Maybe there's someone out there for him who is the way he likes, the way he wants, and he can live passionately and happily. And even though I find it practically impossible, there might be someone for me too.

I know I've never been as upset with him as I was yesterday, and for the first time, I grabbed my things, my blankets, made a bed in my father's office, and slept there on the floor. He tried to talk to me, but it was too late; I had already taken two sleeping pills to calm my anxiety and sleep, and I didn't want to talk; nothing he says will change what he said. So, I'm sad. I said I wouldn't travel anymore and would let you travel with them, but I can't do that; I can't be away from you, and you're not very close to your grandparents yet. I know you would suffer a lot too. So, I'll have to be the bigger person and make this trip for you and for your grandparents who came from so far away, but honestly, I don't see much of a future for me and your father.

P.S.: It's been a few weeks since you learned to ask for water by saying 'ARF,' it's the cutest thing in the world. Now, whenever you say 'ARF,' we know you want to drink water.

 02/04 - Chapter 227: Feels like we're oceans apart

Today I woke up still not talking to your father and went for my physiotherapy session. I started with the exercises, which are a bit boring, but as long as they help my back, I'll be happy. But as I started doing the exercises, it took me about an hour to leave the physiotherapy. On my way out, I stopped by the apartment to pack your bags and mine so we could go to the beach the next day. So, I took my time; I was washing and drying your yellowed clothes, sorting out what to take to the beach, which is quite a headache, like medicines, sunglasses, sunscreen. There are so many things... And besides, since I was upset with your father, I took the opportunity to linger at the apartment and have to see him less. So, I ended up starting to work on your life slideshow that I've been wanting to do for a while now. I made it up to four months; it's turning out really good. I think you'll be happy and enjoy seeing it in the future.

Then I went back home and ate the delicious quiche that your grandma Laura made, with plenty of cheese and bacon, so tasty. And to cap off the day, your father and I had a conversation where he explained that it wasn't what he meant, apologized, those things men say without thinking and then end up regretting. I'm still very sad and upset, but I need to put my frustration aside and think about your grandparents who came from so far away and try to make our vacation enjoyable and light-hearted. After all, we're going to the beach tomorrow. But it's a bit hard to get into the beach mood when I'm feeling so down. When things like this happen, it feels like your father and I are oceans apart. I'm often confused if our relationship can work or not, but I'll try everything to keep my spirits up and go to the beach and spend these days with your grandparents and you, and try to forget what happened. Well, forget, actually we can't forget; we don't forget, but try to move on and enjoy these holidays. I've learned that one of the greatest pleasures in the world is traveling with family; you can always earn money back. These moments are priceless, incomparable, and worth every penny of our money. Later, we work more and earn more money, but the goal is to live life, and sometimes we forget to live life.

 03/04 Chapter 228: Heartbeat a little bit louder

Today we came to Maresias. Actually, I felt bad last night because my mom had scheduled an appointment with your pediatrician, Dr. Humberto, for 10:00 in the morning, but I went to bed so late arguing with your dad that it was already past two, and to go to Dr. Humberto at 10, we would have to wake up at eight and leave the house at the latest at nine to be there, not to mention that it would be very complicated to leave your grandparents at the apartment, go back to pick them up. So I ended up canceling the appointment with Dr. Humberto. But I felt like a bad and irresponsible mother, you know? And lazy too. But in the end, everything turned out fine, you didn't wake up feeling bad, or with a cold, or coughing or sneezing. But we took longer to leave the house than expected, we left around noon or past 1 pm, I don't remember exactly, we stopped at my sister's so she could give you the medicine so you wouldn't vomit in the car, we refueled the car and took about 3 hours and a half on the road.

The trip was very smooth because you ended up sleeping practically the entire way, only waking up in the final 30 minutes. To give you an idea, you slept so much that you didn't even need to watch your show, the TV in this case, that you usually watch in the car. The only funny thing about the trip was your grandma; she was nervous and stressed about the road we took the whole time. We took a different road than the one we usually take when traveling to Caraguatatuba; it's the opposite road, closer to Maresias, but it's actually a much more dangerous road because it has two lanes, so there's traffic coming from both directions, which often leads to accidents. And for some reason, she didn't feel safe with me driving. Maybe because I occasionally drive with the phone on my lap, sometimes I glance at it to see how many kilometers are left to the next exit, but I only do so when I can, when it's not in a curve, when there's no car nearby. I'm very careful about it, and I drive well, I'm responsible. But as your dad said, he's used to it, she's not. So towards the end of the journey, I gave the phone to your dad for him to guide me. Also, there are stretches where it's 60 km straight, I really only had it on my lap to look at it on some occasions. But your grandma's heart rate was a little higher on this trip, let's say that. Several times your dad would say in French, "Calm down, mom, stop stressing out, she drives well." But I know how it is; when I'm a passenger and someone else is driving, I always have the impression that the person is driving negligently, irresponsibly, that an accident is about to happen. I always have the same feeling your grandma had, so I can understand her a little bit.

We arrived, and to my surprise, they chose a really nice place. They called it an apartment, but it's more like several chalets in a condominium. At first, I was a little scared because there's a lot of greenery and forest around, so I was very afraid of cockroaches. But the house is very clean, so I don't think there will be any problem. The only thing is that there are a lot of mosquitoes, a lot of mosquitoes indeed, and your grandparents and your dad are terrified of mosquitoes, especially now with the dengue problem in Brazil. Your grandfather is being very careful because he had hemorrhagic dengue in the past, and for people who have had dengue before, getting dengue a second time is much more dangerous. They almost canceled the trip here because of this.

I know that when cleaning the room, your dad opened the curtains and about eight mosquitoes flew out, he freaked out, said it was his worst nightmare. They were almost changing houses the next day to get out of here. I think it's an exaggeration, but I understand their concerns too. What I didn't like about this rented house were a few things, for example, they don't provide sheets, blankets, towels, or even toilet paper in the bathroom. I always rent houses through Airbnb that have these things provided by the hosts because vacation rentals are so expensive that I think it's the least you can expect when staying somewhere. Not providing sheets is a big red flag. But I had already warned him about this, I sent several house options for us to stay in, so, well, my hands are tied. Besides, the person in charge of the house didn't seem friendly, didn't make us feel welcomed. From the conversation she had with your grandparents and when your dad called to clarify something about the internet, they just didn't seem welcoming people, you know? What a pity...

After the initial scare with the mosquitoes, we went to the beach, which is right in front of the condominium, you cross a narrow little street and you're already on the beach. But since we arrived after 5 p.m. and also took a little longer inside the house, we got to the beach almost at dusk. We stayed there for a while and stayed until it got dark. We spent some time in the evening and then returned home. As always, you loved being at the beach, you were super happy, and when we returned, to our surprise, you were already showing signs of tiredness. I honestly don't know how because you slept a lot in the car.

Even though you were tired, we wanted to dine out, and your grandparents chose a restaurant near the beach we were called Gaya. A restaurant that seemed to be quite fancy, very well decorated inside and facing the sea.

We sat down, you behaved initially, but since you were already tired, you started to throw tantrums, so I handed you my phone to watch cartoons, and that's how you stayed until the food arrived (which took a while).

When I saw the menu, I was shocked, the prices of the dishes were very expensive. I saw a leek risotto with fillet mignon, and my eyes lit up. I love quality risotto, but usually, risotto is made with seafood or mushrooms in most places, and I don't like it. I like leeks, cheese, bacon, I even had pear once and thought it was tasty. But the dish cost R$140, and I found the price quite steep, as well as the rest of the menu. French fries for R$52, a juice for R$18... Only the pizza I found cheap. Not cheap, the same price compared to good pizzerias in São Paulo, R$72-90. But when the waiter said it was only 4 slices and not 8, I concluded that simply everything there was expensive.

Your grandparents wanted to pay for everything on this trip, from the Airbnb to the restaurants, even the tolls. They didn't take no for an answer, so I felt awkward asking for the risotto, but the risotto and the pizza were the only things I would eat from that menu, the rest was all seafood.

Your dad ordered the risotto for me, and the brie pizza that I also wanted, and that way we would share and eat both dishes. Actually, your dad wanted the pizza with Parma ham, but he gave it up to satisfy me with the brie pizza. Your parents have some incredible and totally selfless moments. A true gentleman many times, really.

Your grandparents ordered a portion of a bread that came with a special cheese (I forgot the name of the dish, it's an Italian dish), a pizza, and I think that's it. But even so, the bill came out to over R$620, I was shocked... The risotto was amazing, the fillet mignon was too rare for me, so your dad practically ate it all. Now, the brie pizza, I was really disappointed. Man, there was nothing special about it, and the worst part: it didn't taste like brie at all. None of us found it to taste like brie. Can't even compare it to my favorite pizza "massa na caveira". That one is the true brie pizza. Miss it, by the way.

And we ended the day with full bellies. To our surprise, you ate fried kale and rustic potatoes. But you filled your belly with bread, as always. Only gave a chance to other foods when the bread ran out.

 04/04 Chapter 229: With tired eyes, tired mind, tired souls, we slept

Today we woke up, had breakfast together, and played outside on the lawn where there were some toys like a swing and a slide. Then, your grandparents and your dad went to a supermarket to shop for the few days we would be there, and I decided to stay with you at home because there was no need for all of us to go to the store.

When they left, I saw that you were showing signs of tiredness, so I tried to put you to sleep. You were very resistant, but I could tell you were tired. And more than anything, I wanted you to sleep because I was feeling very tired too and wanted to rest with you. But if you didn't sleep, I wouldn't have the opportunity to sleep either. So I kept trying and insisting until, after an hour of trying, you finally gave in and fell asleep.

I texted your dad saying that you had just fallen asleep and that I would lie down with you to rest as well. I don't remember what time it was, but I believe we slept for at least an hour and a half. Your dad woke us up at 3:30 p.m. and said we needed to wake up to go to the beach and enjoy.

We woke up, ate a minced meat empanada that your dad made for us, and enjoyed the beach. It was very nice because since we went in the late afternoon, the weather was perfect. Late afternoon, no sun, no wind, it was a very pleasant climate.

Your grandparents were able to enjoy the time at the beach with you, your dad and I also managed not only to enjoy the time with you but also to read a bit of our books, and once again we stayed at the beach until after dark. But this time we didn't dine out, we had a kind of "barbecue" at home.

Your grandma cooked chicken wings, chistorra (which I was really missing and she brought from Spain), garlic bread, and thin sausage. You ate a lot of chicken, and after a super nice day, you easily went to sleep, even though you had slept with me in the afternoon. And your dad and I watched an episode of the series we're watching, Criminal Minds. Now it's time to rest because tomorrow is a new day.

Oh, I'm feeling better, but I still need to try to talk to my doctor about my fatigue. Even though I sleep well, more than 8 hours, sometimes even 10, I feel very tired, I'm very sleepy. Although I'm emotionally feeling better, this tiredness is disrupting my routine and life. Could I have chronic fatigue? For example, today I wanted to make you sleep so much, just to sleep

 05/04 Chapter 230: Temper temper, time to explode

Today was a complicated day. We packed everything up and went to Camburizinho Beach, which was 23 minutes away from where we were. Aunt Kel, my friend who recommended this beach and said it was wonderful for children, was close by, so we decided to check it out.

During the journey, you didn't sleep at all, and you didn't sleep in the afternoon either, despite showing signs of tiredness. What I should have done is, before going to the beach, let you take a nap for half an hour or an hour so that you would feel refreshed and could play on the beach later.

But with you, not everything follows a routine, especially because most of the time you don't nap in the afternoon and still feel fine; you just end up sleeping a bit earlier. But lately, you've been taking naps, and some of them are quite long. That being said, you didn't sleep, and when we arrived at the beach (even before, at the house), you were in an unbearable mood. You just cried, complained, and threw tantrums.

The stress started as soon as we arrived and saw that the sea was very rough, making it impossible to go into the water with you. On the right side of the sea, there was a river, and some people were sunbathing by the edge, so we thought Raquel was talking about the river, saying it was peaceful for swimming with children. But when we spoke to the lifeguard, he indeed said it was calm, but the river was not suitable for swimming. I even sent a message to Raquel, but I think the sea conditions vary from day to day because she sent photos and said that on the day they went, it looked like a swimming pool, and they even put the chair on the beach by the edge of the sea because it was so calm. She also said she wasn't referring to the river, which was actually quite far from it, on the other side of the beach.

We sat near the river, and you even played in the water a bit, but since you didn't sleep that day, you were throwing tantrums, in a bad mood, and crying all the time. At one point, your dad went for a walk with your grandma, and your grandpa tried to distract you with toys and keep you company, but in vain. You were very ill-mannered and in a terrible mood. By the way, I feel sorry for your grandparents. I've mentioned this before, but they notice a clear difference in how you behave with them compared to your other grandparents (my parents). Obviously, it's not your fault; you're just a baby and have much more contact with my parents (almost daily) than with Stan's parents, whom you only see once or twice a year. Still, I know they love you very much, and it must be a tough feeling for them. I imagine if we were to move to Europe near your paternal grandparents, against the wishes, obviously, of your maternal grandparents, and when they came to visit, they saw a much stronger connection with the other grandparents than with them, they would suffer a lot. But it's something very difficult to repair; distance versus proximity does that, and that's exactly what hurts me so much when I think about moving to the USA. Taking away your closeness with my parents.

Going back to the story, at one point, your grandma was giving you crackers with cream cheese, and you ate several and started throwing a tantrum when we stopped giving you more. I know it started to get very hot; the sun was scorching, and your mood reached such an unbearable limit that we decided to pack up and go back home to try to spend some time in the pool and hopefully have a better day.

On the way back, once again, you didn't sleep, and we went straight to the pool. There, you calmed down a bit, but you still weren't acting like yourself. However, you made a little friend named Maya, who was 2 years and 3 months old. I was amazed at how she chattered and already spoke everything, with complete sentences, while Rafinha, at almost 2, doesn't say a single word. She seemed very advanced and what a charming girl she was. She was very happy to have you there and wanted you close to her, but you were quiet and shy, which never happens around other children. With adults, you do behave like that, but never with children.

We stayed in the pool for a while, and then we went to take a shower to go to a steakhouse nearby where we were. When we arrived, I was amazed at the prices again, just like in the first restaurant we went to, and the amount was exactly the same, only a difference of R$3.00.

Your dad really wanted to go to this restaurant because of the Google reviews, which had 5 stars and many comments. But I was a little disappointed with the lack of options on the menu. In the end, we ended up ordering a board that came with various cuts of meat, sausage, chicken, garlic bread, and some sauces. I also ordered a portion of fries with cheddar and bacon, but the cheddar was disappointing, of poor quality. Everything else was of really great quality, and the staff were very friendly.

You tried my chilled lemon juice and loved it, shared it with me, and we didn't need to buy one for you, but your bad mood started to strike again, and we had to put cartoons on so we could eat, and you wouldn't throw a tantrum in the restaurant. When we finished the bill, the amount was high, and what also surprised me was the percentage you pay to the restaurants... They usually always charge 10% of the bill for table service, but lately, some restaurants I've seen are charging 14/15%. Not only that, but we always complain about the tip culture in the USA, but there at least you leave the tip you want. It's considered extremely rude not to tip the waiters, but you have that option. Now here they don't even ask; they just add the amount to the bill, and that's it. I find it absurd. Just the percentage was almost R$60 for the restaurant. I am totally against tipping and percentages included in meals; it should be entirely up to the client and should never be charged, much less included in the bill, and much less seen as rude if you don't tip. Employers should pay their employees and give them better working conditions. It's not up to the customer to pay the employee's salary. That goes for here as well as there.

Now here in Brazil, some restaurants are even putting people to sing live and already adding R$25/50 per account for the singer. But damn, the restaurant should pay for that extra; it's chaotic and senseless. Your grandparents, when they first came to Brazil and invited us to a restaurant on the last day, refused to pay what we call "artistic cover" here. My parents ended up paying secretly because they were embarrassed, but your paternal grandparents were right. You shouldn't have to pay for something that makes you feel pressured or embarrassed. Anyway... We paid the bill, and from there, we walked a bit to a nearby ice cream shop, and there I paid for everyone, my treat. You just enjoyed your biscuit, and once again, you didn't want ice cream.

On the way back, I stopped at a nearby square where there were some dogs and gave the remaining meat we had wrapped in a napkin to the dogs accompanied by two homeless guys. I asked for their permission since I had seen at least two of the dogs with collars, and they said I could give it to them as they were hungry, and the dogs ate dry food every day fed by them. I explained that it was leftover meat, mostly fatty parts, and then I gave my potato, which I was going to eat the next day, to the two homeless people, and I gave the meat to the dogs. One of the dogs was sleeping, but I threw it to him anyway, and when he saw it, he was happy and started following me for a few minutes, but the meat was already gone, and I felt sorry for him... And my heart broke when the homeless people said they were hungry. Oh, what a cruel world :( Nobody should go hungry.

On the way back, you started to throw a tantrum because you wanted to take off your shoes... And then because you only wanted to come in my arms. I honestly just wanted this day to end so that you could rest and recharge your energies. Tomorrow would be a new day. A different and renewed day.

Oh, when we were coming back from the beach, your dad forgot his shoe on the sidewalk while loading the car. And worse, his favorite shoe, and he only realized it when we were going to the steakhouse, and he didn't have any other pair of shoes to wear. The solution was for your grandma to give him her sandal (all flowery with a small heel) so that he could go. The situation was hilarious but at the same time humiliating for your dad, so I suggested that he go with my flip-flops (the only footwear I brought), and he would keep your grandma's sandal. He owes me one. I really wanted to see him walking with that sandal and people's faces.

06/04 Chapter 223: A multitude of casualties

Day to return home, we woke up around 10:30 AM because we had to leave by noon. We had breakfast, finished packing the remaining things, and around twelve thirty we left. I'm very concerned about these things, I always leave a little earlier or on time, but apparently, your grandparents are a little more relaxed.

Leaving the condo, we sent a message to the lady saying we had already left and then we headed to the beach. To my surprise, the trip took around 34 minutes; I thought it was much farther, around 50 minutes. So it was a very quick journey, and the good thing is that you almost immediately fell asleep when you sat in the car. So you managed to take a nap for a little over half an hour.

When we arrived at the beach, we paid for parking, entered, and you were already very excited when you saw the beach. You started to be happy, clapping, and woke up in a good mood, which was a relief for all of us compared to yesterday. The beach was exactly the same as I remembered from last time, no waves, very shallow, clean, and great for swimming with children.

Before we entered the sea, you played with the sand and your buckets. Your grandmother wanted to take off your diaper, I'm against it not only because of pedophilia - pedophiles are everywhere - but because leaving a baby boy naked is different from leaving a baby girl naked, because anything can get into the child's private parts, but many things can enter the baby girl's private parts and cause infections. But okay, I stayed quiet and let it happen.

After a few minutes of playing in the sand, a lady approached me and asked if I was your mother. I replied yes, and she politely, apologizing for intruding, suggested that I put a diaper on you if possible. She explained that when she was a child, she got a parasitic infection and suffered a lot; it was very painful, and if something entered your v-jay it could cause a severe infection.

I agreed with her, so I went to tell your dad what the woman had told me. She apologized once again for intruding and left. I told him and your grandma made a kind of face, but your dad agreed that it would be best to put the diaper on you. So, we took you to put on the diaper, and then your dad and I went for a walk along the beach to a kiosk in the back to see if there was any kind of snack or food for you to eat. We were concerned about you since we would be eating at a restaurant later, but you would be hungry, so you needed to nibble on something.

At the kiosk, we got a meat esfiha for you, and when we returned, you were back on the sand without a diaper. I didn't even need to say anything because your dad promptly spoke to your grandmother, and we agreed to put the diaper back on you. You ate your meat esfiha and then we went into the sea for a bit, but not for long because you didn't want to stay in for too long. And let me tell you, the water was warm, I'm not one to say this often, but the water had a great temperature.

We spent a few hours having fun at the beach and then packed up to head to the restaurant. When I put the address into the GPS, for some reason, it showed almost 50 minutes. I thought it would be around half an hour, so I was surprised. But when your father put it into his GPS, it showed nine minutes, and his GPS was correct. Go figure... So the trip was super short, you didn't sleep, and when we arrived in downtown São Sebastião, we found a spot right in front of the restaurant, which was very lucky for a Saturday. But before we went into the restaurant, we spent some time at the pier. We had seen the turtles in January 2023 when you were three months old, and now we returned with you, and I was happy to see that the turtles were still there in the same spot. And to our joy, as we were talking about the turtles, you said 'turtle' for the first time. Turtle... so beautiful.

Then we went to eat at the restaurant, each of us ordered a dish, and you enjoyed your father's squid. I think you will like seafood just like your grandmother and great-grandfather. So far, you really like salmon, tuna, squid, and fried shark. You also had a bit of my chicken, and the bill at this restaurant was half of what we paid at the other restaurants in Maresias.

Maresias is a fancy area of the northern coast, so everything is quite expensive. The "Familia" restaurant, however, located at São Sebastião, is well known because of its large portions. To give you an idea, a portion for one person is easily enough for two people, and a portion for two people sometimes even serves four people, depending on how much they eat. And besides being a large quantity, it's of good quality and at a much more affordable price. Everyone in my family loves this restaurant, and your grandparents liked it too. They spent half the price, as I mentioned.

Your dad was so sweet; he wanted to take a dish for my mom because he knew how much she liked this restaurant. But your grandmar said it would get bad by the time it arrived, and he said it wouldn't be a problem because he knew she would like it anyway. I told him I would split the cost, but in the end, there was so much food left over that he took the rest of the food to my mom, and she loved it. It made her very happy.

To wrap it up, we took a photo at the restaurant,

walked around downtown São Sebastião, which your grandparents really liked because of its older design and predominance of old architecture, and then we headed back to São Paulo. Of course, not before your grandma insisted a lot for your grandpa to drive because for some reason, she was quite scared of both the drive to the beach and my driving, but I didn't feel comfortable, so I drove myself, and your dad saved me.

We hit the road and it took us about 3 hours to get to the apartment, plus another half an hour until we reached my parents' house. I had to stop by the apartment to pick up the 2023 edition book that I wrote for you and arrived and I was very excited to get it and see it. I'll send you the photo of the book here.

I'm in love, I hope that in the future you'll like these gifts I'm leaving for you. I hope you take after me in this and enjoy reading, and not be like my sister, who doesn't like it, but only time will tell.

Back to the trip, you slept about an hour and a half in the car, a decent amount of time, and then we had to keep you entertained for a while longer. We managed to keep you distracted for quite a while, but at some point you were just exhausted and started crying, so the solution was to put on some cartoons. That improved things a bit, but when we were close to my parents' house, you started crying because I think you were already fed up with the cartoons, which were also repeating as the hours passed. We started looking for another DVD, couldn't find it, and then the stress began. Everything happened at once because, at the same time we were looking for a new DVD and couldn't find it, my car broke down for the first time ever, right on the road to my parents' house.

And here's something to know about this road: It's a road we call 'Serra,' typically characterized by numerous curves and usually a two-lane road, but there are exceptions to the rule. This road is divided into two parts: the first part is the longer stretch with no cell tower signal whatsoever, meaning no cell phones work on this first stretch. Then there's the second stretch, passing the police station, which is a very short road to reach my parents' house, and on this stretch, cell signals become active again.

We've been living in Serra for about 10 years now and we've seen many broken-down cars on the first stretch. Actually, I've never seen a broken-down car on the second stretch, only on the first. Coincidence or not. And every time I saw broken-down cars on the first stretch, I felt so sorry for the people because I thought: how do they manage to communicate to call for a tow truck, ask someone for help, or anything else if there's no phone signal on this road? Since there's a police station ahead that divides the two stretches, I believe the person has to walk to the police station to get some kind of help. But there are two problems with this: if the car breaks down right at the beginning of the road, it's a long way to walk to reach the police station. One problem is that it's a road, and there's no shoulder. Walking on this road can be incredibly dangerous and can lead to a fatal accident. You're definitely putting your life at risk to reach the police station for help on foot. So, I always felt sorry for the cars that broke down and thanked my lucky stars that it never happened to us and that we always have new, modern cars, always taking them to the mechanic, anyway.

I think I mentioned that this car went to a mechanic and had a general check-up not long ago, a few days before we traveled, actually. And to our surprise, as we started up the first stretch about five minutes later, the following message appeared on the car display: check engine. And right after that message appeared, a yellow icon appeared on the car, which I believe was the engine, and the car simply stopped working.

What was happening was this: I pressed the accelerator, and the car didn't respond, the freezer was working, but the accelerator didn't respond to the speed I was putting on my foot. That is, it lost power, and the car was only moving at a few km/h. We thought eventually the car would stop completely, and we would have, actually someone would have to go to the police station on foot to ask for help or get cell signal on the second stretch so that my dad or someone could come help us, probably with a tow truck, I don't know. But we kept going at 5 km/h, desperate, with you crying in the back because of the cartoon, you were crying so much, having a breakdown, you even ran out of breath from crying so much.

So we were freaking out with two problems at hand, the stress of the car breaking down and the fear of having to go on foot to get help, not to mention that the car would be parked on curves of the first stretch, and any other car could come and hit us, rear-end our car, and the worst could happen, so we were under a lot of stress and you crying desperately adding an extra level of stress to everyone.

Slowly, I pulled over as much as I could to the right side, turned on the hazard lights, and continued at 5 km/h on the road. Cars started to pass me, but not all of them could because, as I mentioned, it's a road with many curves.

There's a point on the road where there's a small entrance where you can make a kind of turn, and when we reached that part, I entered very slowly so that the cars behind me could pass before I completed the turn and returned to the main road. However, your dad and grandma freaked out when I did that and started yelling at me, saying that I shouldn't stop because if I did, the car would die, and then we would have to walk, etc., etc. I know the risk I took, and thinking clearly, it was indeed dangerous because the car could have stopped, but I didn't completely stop the car; I was making the turn as slowly as I could. I was also thinking that if those cars couldn't pass me, it could cause another type of accident. Overtaking is the leading cause of fatalities in car accidents. So I imagined that if I didn't pull over, some cars would try to overtake, as we've seen that happen several times here, and if a car was coming from the opposite direction, it could end up in a worst-case scenario for us.

So I knew what I was doing; I'm not negligent. And even if the car broke down at that point where I stopped, we were much closer to the Military Police, just a few minutes away, unlike when we were at the beginning of the road. I know this added another layer of stress to everyone, them fearing the car would break down completely, and me feeling pressured. I told your dad he wasn't helping; I was already showing signs of stress before the town, but it was clear.

The journey on the road felt like it lasted for hours, it seemed like an eternity, we never seemed to reach our destination. But finally, we arrived at the Military Police station, and we felt more relieved; we thought maybe we could make it home without needing to call a tow truck or needing anyone to come to our rescue, actually.

After passing by the Military Police station, we called your dad; he asked where we were, and your dad explained that we might not be able to enter the condominium, might not be able to reach the final destination, and that he might have to come to our rescue. My dad asked us to keep him informed, and with phone signal, we felt more at ease.

The car kept going, going, going, and then when we were almost at the end of the second road, there was an accident ahead.

When we looked from afar, it actually seemed like an animal had been run over or something like that; there were two people helping, but from our distant view, it didn't seem like a person. However, as we got closer, very slowly because it was the maximum speed the car allowed, we saw a guy lying on the ground and two people assisting him. I looked very slowly to see what was happening, usually, I'm no curious, but I wanted to know if the person was okay. And as we got closer, since the car was practically in slow motion, I could see that it was Bruno, my sister's best friend.

At that moment, the fourth layer of stress was the final trigger. I turned to Bruno and shouted: 'Bruno, are you okay? Bruno? Bruno?' And he kind of groaned and said yes. Since I couldn't stop the car because if I turned it off, we might get stuck on the road, I kept shouting with the car moving very slowly that I would call for help. But I felt conflicted because while I was wondering if he was okay, your grandma was afraid I would stop the car and kept telling me not to stop. She even kinda shouting for me not to stop. But I was so nervous seeing that the person who was in the accident was someone I knew and a close friend of my sister's that I got a bit impatient and replied a bit harshly: 'Laura, he's my friend. I can't pretend this isn't happening.' Then the car fell silent, and I tried to call for help.

But I felt awful not being able to stop the car and help someone I know, even someone I don't know, to guide to help. But when you see a known person of yours in an accident and there's nothing you can do because you have another problem at hand and might put other people at risk of another accident, it's terrible. So, almost in tears, the first thing I did was call my sister; she hung up. Then I texted her to answer because it was urgent; she called me back. I nervously told her that Bruno had had an accident; she hung up on me and ran to help him. On the way, she called me back, apologized, and asked what had happened; I explained everything, and she said she was going to see how he was.

At first, I was under a lot of stress because things escalated so quickly, as your dad said. Everything was fine, and then suddenly so much happened all at once, a multitude of challenges. But upon reflection, I felt grateful because the car could have broken down on the road coming from the beach. That would have been a real problem. That first road is problematic due to the signal, but it doesn't compare to the danger of it being a road in São Paulo. If the car had stopped on a road, first, it would have been impossible to drive on a highway at 5 km/h, that would certainly cause an accident.

The second option would have been to stop on a shoulder, which is already extremely dangerous because shoulders themselves are perilous; there have been many accidents and fatalities due to cars stopped or broken down on shoulders being hit by other vehicles. So, being at night on a shoulder on a highway with a baby is the worst scenario I can imagine, and then we would have had to call for some kind of tow truck or mechanic, probably a tow truck, and all of us would have to go by tow truck. Frankly, I don't know how we would have managed; it would have been a nightmare for us to remember for the rest of our lives. So, I felt grateful that the car didn't break down at the beach while we were traveling because that could have completely ruined our trip. How would we manage without a car there? And not breaking down on the road on the way back, only breaking down near home, so I am very grateful.

After apologizing to your grandma for speaking a bit harshly, I'm generally kind to everyone, and I feel bad for being even a little rude to someone, even if I'm in the right. I asked your dad to apologize to her too, and once again, he assured me that I was right. Even his dad in the car told his wife to stop talking at that moment, so your dad reassured me about it, and you took quite a while to fall asleep because you slept a lot in the car, and at night, you went to bed after 1:00 AM. But I feel very happy about the trip we had and grateful that we all are fine and that the situation didn't turn out worse.

Finally, we heard that Bruno was recovering, well, and already at home, which was a great relief.

 07/04 Chapter 224: There's always a bigger fish

Alexandre de Moraes arrived at the Supreme Federal Court by appointment of Michel Temer, who replaced Dilma when she was impeached. And Michel Temer was actually a reasonable president, he did a job and management infinitely better than the PT party.

However, rumor has it that this appointment only happened through blackmail from Alexandre.

You can see that the guy is quite intelligent, and he didn't get where he is today by chance. He got to where he is today because he is ambitious (but not in a good way, I mean the kind of ambitious that steps over everything and everyone to get what he wants and to reach where he aims), and it's not for nothing that today he is not only the tyrant of Brazil, but also the president. Even though the world knows Lula as the president, in reality, it's him, Alexandre. And he reached this position by knocking down everyone he needed to knock down. A person only has so much absolute power like him when others owe something, and I'd bet my life on it that this is exactly what happens. He knows everyone's dirt, because politics in Brazil is and always has been immense filthiness, so if he falls, he takes everyone down with him.

Everyone knows this, except for the blind fanatics of the PT party or the extreme leftists. Any extremist is blind, no matter what subject we're talking about, okay? Fanaticism blinds, and doesn't allow the person to be rational or impartial.

Well, Alexandre has already ordered hundreds of arrests, suspension of social media accounts, and even the removal of governors. He overrides any order and does not follow the constitution, meaning we no longer live under laws, because the laws here are no longer respected by those who should uphold and protect them. It's become a country where all power is concentrated in the hands of one person (in theory).

On January 8, 2023, supporters of former president Jair Bolsonaro and infiltrators invaded the headquarters of the three Powers. After this episode, whose security camera recordings inexplicably disappeared, Alexandre arrested a large number of people who were there and placed them in a sort of arena. It's worth noting that many did indeed break things and were vandals, but many, MANY protesters were simply exercising their right: to protest. They were citizens like your grandfparents, and if it were in São Paulo, your grandparents could be in jail, just like many innocent people who are still imprisoned today, April 2024.

Returning to the arena (I told you, we're closer to the Hunger Games scenario more than ever), he detained thousands of men, women, elderly, and CHILDREN each day in this place, which was an absurdity, and then many were taken to prison, where they remain to this day. The prisoners received a sentence of 17 years, practically the maximum sentence in Brazil, because even those who receive 30 (the maximum sentence according to the law) end up serving 15/17. In other words, protesters received the same sentence as a murderer, a trafficker, a rapist.

Alexandre is a minister who has accumulated too much power and has disrespected constitutional guarantees, violating the democratic system, despite proclaiming that he is doing just the opposite, "protecting democracy.

It's very difficult to write about this guy, because he disgusts me, I literally feel sick, and I get angry just writing these things. Seriously... I get nervous, and I don't feel well. But the situation is much worse, and you have no idea of his influence in the 2022 elections and what he has been doing since then. Atrocities, perversions, it's absurd and disgusting. And he is the main reason why I want to get out of here, along with the crime.

The Brazilian left has made Alexandre de Moraes its king, its hero, its idol, its benevolent tyrant (after accusing him of being a fascist, a coup plotter, even a racist when he was with Temer in 2017). This is called hypocrisy, and god... how people are hypocritical.

But the more the Supreme Court oversteps, the more its decisions will be questioned for legitimacy by citizens, which is halfway to the demoralization of the Judiciary, something that obviously only interests extremists dedicated to the destruction of the Democratic Rule of Law.

Alexandre thinks he's the greatest person in the universe, undefeatable, he thinks that nothing and no one can bring him down. But if there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that no matter how big you are, there's always a bigger fish.

Elon Musk had already commented on some posts about Alexandre, showing shock and surprise with what was happening here for some time. But today, unbelievably and to everyone's surprise, he started to get involved in what is happening here in Brazil.

In 2022, Alexandre ordered the ban of several journalists and Bolsonarist accounts, threatening that if Twitter didn't comply, a hefty daily fine would be imposed. The issue was that those having their accounts banned weren't being notified of the reasons or given the right to defend themselves in court, which is unconstitutional.

Elon finally stated that X would defy an order by Brazilian Supreme Court Justice Alexandre de Moraes (even more than one year later) to block some accounts amid a growing confrontation between the social media company and the country’s judiciary over free speech and misinformation.

His stance quickly prompted a response from Moraes, who on Sunday evening ordered federal authorities to investigate Musk as part of an ongoing probe over what he alleges is the use of social media to undermine Brazil’s democracy. Moraes also announced a separate inquiry into the entrepreneur over potential obstruction of justice. 

On Saturday, X’s global government affairs team said the company had been “forced” by the court to block more accounts in Brazil, claiming that “such orders are not in accordance with the Marco Civil da Internet or the Brazilian Federal Constitution,” it said, referring to the Brazilian law that regulates internet activities.

Shortly after X’s global government affairs team announced the additional requests for blockages on Saturday, Musk defied Moraes’s order, writing on X that the platform was “lifting all restrictions.”

“This judge has applied massive fines, threatened to arrest our employees and cut off access to X in Brazil,” Musk wrote on X, referring to Moraes. “As a result, we will probably lose all revenue on Brazil and have to shut down our office there.”

Musk encouraged users in Brazil over the weekend to use VPN for continued access to the social media platform and called the court’s demands the “most draconian” of any country. His defiance was celebrated by so many people in Brazil, who cheered Musk for taking on Moraes, tired of that monster.

Moraes, in his order, decried Musk’s campaign as “an abuse of economic power” and said it amounted to “blatant obstruction of Brazilian justice” and an affront to the country’s sovereignty. If Musk and X do not comply with the court’s mandated account blocking, the company would face a fine of about $20,000 a day for every account it reactivates.

All I know is that there is a very small, almost nonexistent hope, but it's there. After all, there's always a bigger fish out there; and I hope life teaches that to Alexandre.

Musk had more courage to defend democracy than the Brazilian Senate or anyone for that matter. He had balls, and Alexandre is no one compared to Musk. Musk is one of the most rich and powerful people on earth. Alexandre who?

 09/04 Chapter 225: The search for something more

Today your paternal grandparents and your dad were going to tidy up things and spend the night in the apartment because the next day they would travel very early to Bolivia.

Your grandparents, as well as your dad, are people who love to travel the world, explore places, and experience new environments. They are enchanted by monuments, historical places, museums, and arts. Your grandmother has traveled almost all over the world herself, visiting many places. And although your dad is not on the same level of traveling marathon as your grandmother, he also knows many places.

It's not my cup of tea to travel the entire world, there are many places I have no desire to visit, but there are also many places I would like to go to, such as Switzerland, Italy (especially Sardinia), Iceland to see the northern lights, Australia, etc. I must also say that I don't like historical monuments, "old" things (like I see all of Europe, except maybe Switzerland), museums, statues... It's just not my thing.

I'll never forget when I was about 16 years old, my parents forced my sister and me to go to Rio de Janeiro to see the famous Christ the Redeemer statue. I remember I never had the slightest desire to go because, first, I'm not religious, and second, I don't care about statues or "historical monuments". Not to mention that Rio de Janeiro, for me, is a hotbed of crime, and it was scorching hot, the kind of heat where you just want to be naked under a fan. Climbing those stairs to see a statue in that heat was one of the worst experiences of my life. My parents told my sister and me that one day we would be grateful, and today, at 31 years old, that day still hasn't come.

I think it's about personal preference. Some people like painting, others like music, some like the beach, others like the mountains, some like modernity, others like antiquity/relics, and so on. But I understand my parents; sometimes we don't want to do something, and as we get older, our opinions change. People change, tastes change.

When we went to Argentina in 2019, for example, my parents also forced us to go see Cerro Tronador in Bariloche. We didn't want to go because it was very cold, it was a 2-hour bus ride on a very narrow and dangerous trail, there was no cell phone signal, and we thought it would be a big disappointment just like seeing Christ the Redeemer. I remember we tormented my mother (and mind you, we were on this trip to celebrate her birthday) the whole way. At one point, she snapped and, all upset, said she would never bother to do anything with us again because we didn't appreciate anything. Still grumpy and complaining, we continued the journey because there was nothing else to be done.

When we got to Cerro Tronador, we apologized to my mother, and it wasn't enough. We needed to apologize on our knees. What an amazing place! I'll say that, so far, it was the most beautiful place I've ever seen. A beautiful frozen lake, everything around covered in snow, trees painted white with snow covering every inch of branches. It was breathtaking. It was the place I had always imagined visiting, a place that seemed to only exist in movies and fairy tales.

I was amazed, and I imagined that if there were a paradise, it would probably look like that. Especially at that time when I was much more in love with cold weather than hot weather.

I still prefer the cold even today, but I've also learned to love the beach, thanks to San Diego, lol.

The lesson here is: even though we have defined tastes and preferences at the moment, sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zone and give opportunities to things we think we won't like, but that may end up surprising us. Of course, there will be things that you truly won't like, and it may even be worse than you imagined, but among all of them, there will be one that stands out and makes your leap of faith worth it.

These photos actually don't do justice to how wonderful Cerro Tronador was; it's infinitely more beautiful in person. It seems ordinary just looking at the photos, but believe me, it's not. You have to see it for yourself and at the right time of snow.

Step out of your comfort zone. It doesn't have to be all the time, but every now and then. I myself have to work more on that and be a little more like your father and your paternal grandparents, and even my mom.

Before taking them to the apartment, your dad hesitated because he wanted to enjoy the last possible minutes with you, until the moment of saying goodbye temporarily and going to the apartment arrived.

When we got there, I was so embarrassed. The apartment was not only messy but dirty. The kitchen was disgusting, all because on the day we went to pick up your grandparents from the airport, we didn't organize ourselves properly, we left in a hurry and forgot to take out all the trash from the house. And because of that, the kitchen was full of small mosquitoes and even larvae. Disgusting!! Especially with your paternal grandma there, who is very organized, clean, practically has OCD. What a shame... Your father was so disgusted with the larvae that he ended up throwing my entire Mickey trash basket in the trash, I was so upset!

Anyway, I called Bete to come to my rescue, she's been doing the cleaning at my mom's house for years, and she said she would come on the weekend. She cleans very well, she's wonderful. But we learned our lesson. When we're away for more than two days, we always need to take out the trash.

I left your grandparents and your father, said goodbye, and returned home. I will miss daddy.

 10/04 Chapter 226: The lonesome road

Today was the 1st day without your dad. The last time we were apart from him for "so long" was when he returned to Barcelona when you turned one month old and came back when you were three months old, staying away for two months. But I'll explain all this story in other chapters.

So, after being with him every day since you turned 3 months old, it feels strange, and thinking that he'll be away for two weeks makes me feel empty. It feels like a lonely road.

Initially, during pregnancy, I got used to the idea of being a single mom, I was ready and mentally prepared for it (again, stories for other chapters), but since he has been part of your life since birth until now, I can't imagine raising you alone without him. After all, your dad helps me a lot in taking care of and raising you. He's the best dad I've ever known in terms of presence and involvement. You're very lucky, little one.

I bet it will be very difficult for him too; he's very attached to you, and every passing day he becomes even more so (if that's possible). He said that before going to the airport, he left a note for you and one for me in the apartment in case something happened to him, as well as all the passwords for his investments. I know it sounds funny, but I feel the same way he does every time I board a plane. I think I'm going to die. And although it's a very unlikely possibility, it exists, so we have to be prepared (but not as much as your dad and I, haha).

Your dad also plans to go to Europe in the middle of the year for a friend's wedding in Portugal and stay there for a month. I honestly don't know how he does it. Despite being very attached to you, he can spend days away from his little girl, and I honestly can't. I even declined my mom's trip because I couldn't bear being without you for 4 days, let alone two weeks or a month. I think my world would collapse, and the longing would hurt so much that I would end up coming back sooner.

But I think that's the difference between fathers and mothers (although there are exceptions); the mother is always the mother, no matter what, we don't stay away from our offspring for so long, and we can't even do it. A mother's love is the very definition of sacrifice and dedication. So, if we need to sacrifice our individual time, trips, friends, we will sacrifice to dedicate ourselves to our little ones. A mother's love is the very definition of sacrifice and dedication.

But now, speaking of the lonesome road, I think having children is the best thing in the world, and I find it extremely lonely for those who choose not to. Of course, we need to respect each other's choices and individualities, but I can't imagine a life without experiencing maternal love, which is the greatest in the world. Choosing not to know and experience a feeling that doesn't fit in your chest.

One day, when we grow old, who will take care of us if not our children? Parents and grandparents will have been gone for a long time, friends are very few after the age of 20, even fewer after 30, and if you're lucky to have one or two with you until the end, you can consider yourself lucky, but when you're elderly, a friend won't be able to take care of another. There will be a lack of care, the company of a child, and that's also why I find it lonely.

The feeling of wanting to travel, to dedicate yourself to work, and to invest your money in yourself is valid and sounds wonderful, but life without being shared seems somewhat meaningless. Of course, there are wonderful marriages where one takes care of the other until old age, but that's also hitting the jackpot.

But we also need to agree that times have changed, and having kids isn't the imperative it used to be. Nowadays, more women and couples are childless than ever before. And, for many, kid-free status is something they actively choose. Deciding whether or not to have children ranks pretty high on the list of Big-Life-Decisions. Why? Because either choice will have a huge impact on your life, and that impact is pretty much irreversible. Which means choosing to have kids — or not have them — is not a decision you leave to chance.

Nothing bad will happen because you chose not to have kids. The world will survive, and the people you disappointed will get over it, but be sure to always choose your path and trajectory for yourself, and not because of third-party influence or not having a partner, for example.

Many women choose not to have children because they ended up not having someone to share this journey with, but today there are several options like artificial insemination.

I myself have always known since I was little that I wanted and would be a mother. And as a teenager/adult, as my relationships started to fail, I started saving money for a possible artificial insemination, and I would definitely do it. Because even though I have the desire to marry and experience love like many people, my biggest dream has always been to have my baby, to conceive, to raise, to see myself in a little human being.

 11/04 Chapter 235: Kill'em with kindness

Today you went to take the 5th dose of immunoglobulin, the treatment you are undergoing with the pulmonology. The 5th dose is already halfway through the treatment, and so far the treatment has been effective, especially because you have already had contact with people who later realized they were sick. In addition, you caught a few colds in these two months, but none progressed to a respiratory condition, which is exactly what the doctor said would happen. Could it be a coincidence? Yes, but I believe his treatment is working.

My mom took you to get the 5th dose, and the only dose your dad and I were present for was the first one; your grandma took you for the rest. She's a wonderful grandma, isn't she? She took you because I was doing physiotherapy for my back, and it's something I need to take seriously.

On the way back, she picked me up from physiotherapy and told me she is very happy with this treatment but finds Dr. Bernardo quite cold. Last time you went to get your fourth dose, you were already sick with a cold and hoarse, so she asked him to just take a look at your throat, which he completely ignored and didn't do. In a way, we understand; we're going to the doctor for treatment with the injections, not for a consultation, but every time we go there for your injections, we spend R$350 every 10 days, so we are his patients. Is it so bad to just take a look at a small thing to the point of wanting a consultation for R$680 to reevaluate what we were asking for? For example, I know Dr. Humberto would never do that. But at the same time, he is not obliged to, since we were not paying for a consultation, but I honestly rather going to get the treatment with the injections only, because that's the goal: just to get the treatment, and your doctor continues to be Dr. Humberto. But both I and my mother and your paternal grandparents were quite shocked when he refused to look at your throat. Actually, he didn't refuse, but when my mother asked, he didn't say anything, and when it was time to give you the injection, he pretended not to have heard anything.

The last time she took you, she also found him quite cold, just gives the injection and that's it, doesn't engage in much conversation. I think a doctor should have that warmth, that love for the profession and also for children. We know he's within his rights, but as I told you, we're also paying a hefty sum for treatment with him, so it's a bit annoying. But what matters is that his treatment seems to be working, and that's the most important thing. In this scenario, it doesn't matter if he's the coldest doctor or the most ambitious. What matters is that he's getting the medication right for your health, so that we never go through what we've been through again.

And I'm so happy with the result of this treatment that I'm going to order a box of fine chocolates for him as a thank-you gift. It doesn't matter if he refused the favor of taking a look at you, or if we think he was rude or anything like that. We went there, and he apparently got your treatment right. Even if he were rude - which he wasn't, he's just cold - but even if he had been rude or said he wouldn't look at your throat because then we'd have to pay for a consultation, I would still give him a gift, because your health is more important than my ego. And for now, you're in very good health. As I said, you get a cold, but your condition doesn't worsen like it did in the past. So, I ordered a box of fine chocolates, and those bonbons and sweets they serve at weddings, they're the most delicious sweets I've ever eaten. It's $150, but worth every penny. I'll give one box to him and another box for your paternal grandfather to try the sweets. And later on, I'll buy a box for Dr. Humberto too.

Remember that the other day at Dr. Humberto's appointment, we also gave him an Easter egg? Babe, it's very important in life that you learn to be grateful to people who support you, who are by your side, whatever it may be. For example, in the case of Dr. Bernardo, he helped you with this treatment, possibly so you never have to be hospitalized again. Dr. Humberto, on the other hand, helped you whenever you showed signs of illness, sending messages in the middle of the night, on weekends, always making himself available, being an excellent doctor.

The boss of the company I work for, for example, has always treated me very well, always welcomed me warmly. When I was pregnant, she bought a wonderful gift for you, and even on your birthday, even though she didn't attend, she bought another wonderful and expensive gift for you. I've only been successful in my field because her company gave me an opportunity.

Today, the situation in my field has declined a lot, but in the past, I made a lot of money in my field, and I'm very grateful to her and her company. So, in December, I bought her a Tiffany necklace that cost over R$1000 to thank her. However, with the holiday season approaching, it didn't work out. I told her several times that I bought her a gift and wanted to see her, but it never worked out. Deep down, I was a little upset, so what I did was: I took the Tiffany necklace for myself, as I'm totally in love with Tiffany, and bought her a Swarovsky bracelet, which is also quite expensive. I know she'll like it anyway. She never got to see the Tiffany necklace, and out of sight, out of mind. I bought her a slightly cheaper gift, but still a good one, and I'll give it to her as a thank you.

Not that gratitude has to be in the form of gifts, much less expensive ones, but it's a way to please someone. Giving gifts and showing a certain form of reciprocation for what people have done for you is also a way of showing gratitude, not the only way, but one of the ways. So, even if I gave a R$1000 Tiffany necklace, if I tally up all the net value I've earned working for the company, it's much more than a Tiffany necklace, so it's not so absurd. Everyone likes to be pleased, everyone likes to receive affection, and everyone likes to see that what they've done for others is recognized in some way, even if it's just a hug, a heartfelt thank you, or helping them in a different way next time they need it. It's a beautiful form of reciprocation and something that people forget, to be ungrateful.

With kindness, you generate kindness, which is something lacking in the world and that people need. The last time your dad and I went to the supermarket together, we bought three high-quality chocolates and we gave one of them to the lady working at the supermarket checkout who was serving us. The smile she gave and the happiness she expressed over a simple chocolate give us more fuel to do this next time. We kept the other two chocolates to give to other people who might serve us. And you know what the secret is? You don't always have to give gifts or be kind only to those who have treated you well. For example, when someone treats you a little harshly, like Dr. Bernardo did, you respond with unexpected kindness, and you break through the person's defenses with your kindness.

So imagine this situation: you're at the airport, excited about your upcoming trip, and you stop at a snack bar to grab a bite to eat. The person serving you, for some personal reason or whatever, doesn't treat you well, and people are always upset by this, myself included, because I believe people shouldn't take out their personal problems on others. But even so, those people are somehow sad or suffering in some way, and they end up taking it out on those who don't deserve it. If you're kind, offer a piece of chocolate, a flower, or give a compliment to the person serving you, even if they're rude, it will embarrass them, break their mood, and maybe they'll treat the next person better. The problem is that people are sometimes unreasonable, so when one person is in a bad mood, for whatever reason, the other reacts, which is totally normal and can lead to conflicts.

So this is something I also have to work on in myself, but I've been working on it and I've been seeing results over time, not only in my life but also in the lives of others. A simple gesture like complimenting someone's hair or clothes can indeed make another person's day lighter and happier. So that's what we have to practice in our daily lives, being kind, and that's something sorely lacking in the world, my dear. I have no idea when you'll be reading this book, maybe kindness is a word that no longer exists in the dictionary because it has become totally unknown.

In summary: never forget to be grateful to those who help you, who have helped you, who have lent you a hand. Whether it's a doctor, a teacher who made an impact on you, someone who taught you something, a boss who gave you a job opportunity, a caring friend, a mother who helps you raise your children, or someone who came to change your tire even though you're paying for it. But above all, don't forget to be kind to those who need it, because they may have forgotten the meaning of kindness, and you can teach them the meaning of that word just by acting.

12/04 Chapter 236: The first cut is the deepest

Today, nothing significant happened, so I'll take this opportunity to talk about one of the things I wanted to dedicate just one chapter to. Let's begin.

There are actually three subjects, or rather three people, who were very important in my life that I haven't discussed with you yet because it feels like talking about each of these individuals would require a book of its own. In fact, one of them, Marcelo, I wrote a book about our relationship, which I mentioned to you in one of the chapters of the 2023 edition.

These people were extremely important in my life, the most important besides family, of course, and they were the ones who led me to become the person I am today. Of course, there were many important people in my life, but these three are the key to everything I am today. They are no longer part of my life, but they shaped many things for me.

About one of them, which will lead me to talk about the other two. These three people are named Marcelo, Roberta, and Caique.

Let's start with Marcelo and leave Caique for last, okay?

Well, do you remember I told you that on my 14th birthday, I had a crush on a boy in the third year of high school while I was in eighth grade and I saw him kissing my friend Karina? That boy was 17 years old at the time, and I was 14, but I really liked him. I had other crushes and infatuations, but this boy I told you about was something different, even though I was just 14 in eighth grade, I remember what I felt for him was something different. But it was only when I changed schools in high school, after spending my entire eight years of elementary school in one place, that I experienced love for the first time. He was my first boyfriend and my first love.

I'll try to summarize a bit of Marcelo's story, because there's already a book about him, so if you want to know more detailed about my story with Marcelo, you can just read the book. There are some things invented for the book and also omitted. For example, you'll find out in the end of the book that it was a fantasy. Besides the end of the book, another part that I omitted and that I'm going to talk about now. Apart from these two things, the ending and the reason I'll point out here, everything else actually happened. So our story is there in almost 200 pages, I believe that writing practically another book talking about it all over again here would be pointless and a waste of time. So what I recommend to you, daughter, is that if you have reached this chapter in the 2024 edition, stop at this chapter, read the book and then come back to this one later. Now, if you haven't read the book, you can continue, as I'm writing now.

Marcelo was my first love, as soon as I entered school my heart beat strongly for him, it was the famous love at first sight, so I know it doesn't exist only in movies and books, it really happened to me. He had a twin brother but from the beginning I only had eyes for Marcelo and I could differentiate between the two right from the start. They were very identical and it was very difficult for everyone to tell them apart, but I knew and I don't know how to explain it to you, I just knew. But at the time Marcelo and I met, he had a "girlfriend" from the previous school. I mentioned her in the book and in the book her name is Cibele. In real life, her name is Camila and remember this name because it's important in Roberta's story.

He had this girlfriend, but it was absolutely nothing serious, just to give you an idea, they wouldn't see each other for weeks, it was a very childish relationship. There had never been any deeper intimacy or anything like that. It was that kind of childish relationship, but even so, he had a person who he should respect and I, as a human being, need to be close to him, to have respected.

I tried so hard to respect it that I refused to have anything with him until he ended his relationship with her. But when I saw him kiss another girl at school, I remember her name to this day, her name was Ana, I cried a lot. Because I was doing the right thing, what was right not to get involved with someone who had a girlfriend, even if it wasn't a serious relationship or a very serious relationship, I was trying to do the right thing. But at that moment, I felt my heart break into several pieces and I thought to myself: darn, I'm giving up on something I really want to and I might be losing to this girl who is risking everything to be with him.

It's a wrong thought? It is! But at the time, I was 15 years old, actually I hadn't even turned 15 yet, I would turn 15 the following month. I was a 14-year-old child. A completely in love child. Well, Marcelo and I were very close, but I didn't kiss him during that time because I felt it was wrong to do so. But it was at another classmate's party, who was turning 15, that I had my first kiss with Marcelo. Even though it was wrong and I knew it wasn't a cool thing to do, the love and passion I felt for that boy, my first love, I couldn't hold back. I remember we even kissed to the sound of 'Beauty and the Beast.' It was the perfect kiss, perfect music, I felt like I was in the clouds, I had never felt that before. But he was still with the girl I mentioned earlier, and he didn't have the courage to end the relationship. It wasn't like those men who don't have the courage to end a relationship because they have a mistress, but in fact, they just drag the mistress along and don't want to face the consequences. He was very afraid of hurting others, he didn't have the courage to break up with her.

Anyway, we spent a month in this uncertainty of whether to break up or not. We were in love and wanted to be together, but he lacked the courage to talk to Camila.

Camila already knew what was going on, but she also didn't want to give up and let her boyfriend go for another girl. From social media, which at the time was just one called Orkut, she knew there was something strange between me and Marcelo. The girl hated me, she posted several things on her page and also on MSN.

MSN was another thing we had at the time, but I don't consider it a social network; it was very similar to what we now call WhatsApp. But it had its differences, and I found it much better, I can assure you that everyone my age and older misses MSN a lot. It was a chat platform where you logged in with your email and password, and it was like a chatroom, but only with the people on your contact list. Each person had an email linked to their MSN, you added people's emails to your contacts, and then each person who was online at that moment would appear as online, and those offline would appear as offline. But to be online, you had to connect to your computer. It wasn't like your phone where you're online all the time, just pick it up, open it, and reply to messages. No, you needed to be logged into a laptop or computer, access it with your login and password, and only at that moment you were on the computer would you be chatting with people. Once you logged off, people couldn't contact you until you turned on the computer and accessed your MSN again. But it was different, you weren't online all the time. You were more online with the world and more offline with the internet, and the brief moments you logged in to connect with people were special.

Anyway, I remember she always used to give me indirect messages on MSN. Besides the main title where you could put your name or whatever you wanted, like nicknames and emojis, there was a space below the name where people usually wrote a phrase, for example. And they always dropped some kind of hint for me. I'll see if I can find any screenshots I took at the time to show you, if I find them I'll put them here.

Detail: I was listening to a super depressing song. Her hints affected me, I pretended they didn't, and what was I doing at that exact moment listening to this Luis Fonsi song? Crying, crying a lot.

I don't even know if she found out about Ana and that he actually "cheated" on her before me, but the person she hated was me. And it's not even about envy or anything like that, because back then I wasn't a pretty girl, I was quite average and even a bit poorly groomed.

Honestly, I never understood what such a handsome boy was doing with me, at least back then when I was quite awkward. Anyway, it was on my 15th birthday that we were officially dating. I was on cloud nine and felt like the happiest person in the world.

We dated for a little over a year, a year and a month to be more precise, and after that, it came to an end in May 2009.

In the meantime, we lived well for about three months. When we reached the three-month mark, just a day after Valentine's Day if I'm not mistaken, I remember Marcelo went to a concert. I gave him the concert ticket as a Valentine's Day gift, and he went with his friends, including his ex-girlfriend, Camila. But I've always been the type of person, ever since my first relationship when I was only 15 years old, that I always tried not to forbid someone who was with me from doing something. I don't think it's right for one person in a relationship to prohibit things or people from the other. I don't think it's right; I think it's a lack of trust in a relationship, and if you can't have that trust with someone you chose to date, marry, live with, etc., then the relationship isn't good and won't be good. So even though I felt anxious, he had his friends, friends who had a very different style and taste from mine, and I had mine.

That concert was by a band called Fresno from Brazil, and I didn't like them. He was very excited to go with his friends, and I didn't see any problem with it. I tried to trust myself and him because he broke up with her to be with me, so I tried not to have any doubts.

Well, I remember that night he went to the concert; I don't know how, but I felt something very bad the whole night, throughout the early hours of the morning. I couldn't sleep; I put on a movie on TV that was terrible, by the way. At that time, we didn't have the accessibility to choose a movie or series we liked as we do today with so many catalogs like Netflix, Disney, Amazon. No! You could watch the movies available on broadcast television at that time or go to a video rental store. But since I hadn't gone to a video rental store, I only had access to the movies airing on TV, and the movies on TV at that time were terrible because it was late at night, or they were adult movies because that's all that aired late at night. But I was anxious, anxious, anxious, agonized, anxious; I felt something very bad.

The next day, when I called his house (yes, in the past, households had a landline telephone, and calling a cellphone was very expensive), his brother answered the phone and asked me to come over to talk to him, I already felt my world crumbling. Well, you can read more details in the book about the day I went there to talk to him, but in summary, he told me that he had cheated on me with five people at the concert. Cheating back then in our age obviously meant kissing other people. But even so, it hurt a lot, and of those five people he cheated on me with, three were men and two were girls. And one of those girls was Camila. I don't know what hurt more honestly, knowing that my boyfriend had kissed a man, which was a completely new and unknown topic for me since I never had any contact with homosexuality, never had a friend, family member, acquaintance who had experienced this of man with man or woman with woman, so for me, this was all very new, I couldn't understand, accept, or if it hurt more that he kissed Camila, his ex-girlfriend whom I trusted so much.

I know what really hurt was seeing her leaving their kitchen as soon as he told me about it, meaning that besides cheating on me, she was inside their house, there. Audacity… I think she felt somewhat vindicated, happy, after all, who wouldn't? That girl who you think stole your boyfriend on purpose to hurt you and ruin your life, you had the opportunity to get back at her. Oh well…

Anyway, ever since he did that at the concert, things gradually began to change. They didn't change quickly all at once, but day by day, things started to show a side that I didn't like and that I couldn't stop.

And that's exactly why in the screenshot/photo I sent above, she put that "being cheated on" was what I knew to be best. Looking at that now at 31, I find it so stupid and dumb because she was cheated on too, several times (just like me). So it's that story, right? "Insult others for what you yourself are." Like many people shout "fascist" these days, and they are the very ones.

Sometimes people project their own flaws or insecurities onto others. And it's lamentable when someone uses words to hurt without considering their own mistakes.

Going back to the story, I honestly don't know, I never knew, and I'll never know if those guys he kissed at the show were really the first time he had contact with homosexuality or bisexuality. I can't say, or if before me he had already had some experience in that way. I know that he was a very handsome guy, and I was a very ordinary girl, or maybe not even ordinary, I can even say, plain. And despite having confidence in the relationship, trying not to be a jealous person and to focus on the person I'm with, I felt insecure in the sense that girls wanted him, and it was already difficult to deal with so many girls after him, only now I had to be careful with both girls and boys. So it was a true hell.

I remember once we were walking back to his house holding hands, and it took around 20 to 30 minutes to walk from school to his house. On the way, we stopped near a gas station, passed by a gas station, there was a young woman who worked there who stopped us because she already knew him, greeted him, looked me up and down, pointed at me, and disdainfully asked, 'Is this your girlfriend?' as if she were horrified that he was with someone like me. I remember that hurt me so much, it really affected my self-esteem, and it's something I remember perfectly as if it were yesterday. Being judged by people is such a horrible thing, whatever the reason. But that's how it was, I always had to worry, be sad about so many people around him, etc.

I won't lie, we had wonderful moments, we traveled together to Guarujá, we traveled together to Caraguatatuba, it was incredible to be with him. And I was completely in love, I thought he was the man of my life, I truly loved him even though I was only 15 years old. What I felt there, I have never felt so intensely in my life. But he wasn't the love of my life, and that's where the story of Caique comes in, which we'll leave for later.

He was my first love, something that is very strong, very intense, and very memorable. The first love is something I don't know how to describe. Maybe if so many things hadn't happened in my relationship with Marcelo, if we were older and he really loved me, who knows, it could have worked out. Because regardless of my physical appearance, he was in love with me, in the beginning. I believe Marcelo truly fell in love with me, but passion is something that comes and goes quickly, unlike love. After about three months or so, I think he liked being with me, but he still wanted to explore other things, and that passion was no longer the same. So he ended up exploring other things, I'm sure he didn't just cheat on me that one time at the show, it happened more times. But when we are passionately in love with someone, we pretend not to know what's going on, we often don't want to know what's going on and pretend that everything is fine. And that's the biggest mistake in relationships. Many people suspect their spouses and know that something wrong is happening, but they don't want to pry because they know that if they do, they will find something wrong, and then they will have to take some kind of action... But let's leave that aside.

I know that in the end, people were right, and there were other episodes. They dressed and liked a lot of those things that here in Brazil we called emo, it's a bit similar to gothic but not quite the same, I found that detestable, I hated it. Marcelo and Marcio were so, so beautiful young men, really beautiful, but they ruined themselves with those hairstyles. They were still pretty handsome, but in a weird way. They masked half of their beauty.

I thought that this kind of style was what was leading them down the path of homosexuality too, or bisexuality, I don't know. I believe it was bisexuality because if they were also interested in women and had sexual relations with women, so bisexual, right?. But I don't know, and I don't care anymore nowadays.

So one day after a long argument at school, at night he dropped off at my apartment and kindly broke up with me. I will never forget that day because it was one of the worst feelings I've ever had in my life. He came to my apartment, I remember to this day we sat on my parents' bed to talk, and he was crying a lot because, as I told you, he is very emotional and didn't have the courage to end relationships with Camila, it was the same with me, but in the end, after saying what he wanted to say, he said that despite liking me a lot, he wanted to enjoy life, he wanted to live, he was too young for a serious relationship, etc, etc, etc.

I remember he left crying, and I didn't cry at all, I was more in shock. I remember I went to the bathroom, grabbed the blow dryer from under the sink, started brushing my hair, and before turning on the blow dryer, I screamed and started crying so much... He had already left, but I know my mom came running to see what had happened, my dad, my sister, I don't think they were home, I don't remember, but I remember Roberta who lived downstairs heard it and since she was a very good friend of mine, she came running to see what was happening, and she was with Karina, the one from the story about Lucas, and they both came to see what was going on. And then I fell apart, I screamed as if someone in my family, like my mom or my dad, had died, I shouted so loud. I didn't understand, I didn't know what to do with that pain, I didn't understand why it hurt so much and I thought I wouldn't be able to bear so much pain. My friends tried to calm me down, Roberta said it was probably temporary and we would end up getting back together, but I was simply terrified.

Look, honey, I lived incredible moments with Marcelo and I don't regret anything despite all the pain I felt. Remember Lucas, the one I told you about? I almost lost my virginity with him, and I'm very glad I didn't, and instead, I lost it with Marcelo, who was my first boyfriend and my first love. It was all much more special. Even though I thought I liked Lucas, I did like him but I didn't love him. Now with Marcelo, yes, everything was very special, and despite ending the way it did for the reasons it did, I was happy for a year and two months, and I felt something that I've never felt again with such intensity in life. But honestly, I can't tell you if the pain was greater than the love. If the suffering was greater than the happiness, even today, I can't answer that. I know I was extremely happy with him, but I also know that when we broke up, I was in a state of unhappiness that I had never experienced before.

It was after the end of our relationship that I developed depression. From 16 to 19 years old, I was being treated for depression, well, not exactly at 16 because neither I nor my family understood what was happening, and we were unaware of depression. Many people thought I was being dramatic, that it was too much fuss, that I was too young to be so in love, among many other things. But my suffering lasted for a year, and we only discovered about depression with the help of a psychiatrist.

From 16 to almost 18, it was the worst phase, 2009 and 2010 were extremely complicated in terms of suffering, depression for me. In 2011 and 2012, things started to improve, I had relapses in the future with depression, but it was quickly resolved with medication, it didn't last for years like it did in 2009. But all I know, dear, is that at 16, I was suffering too much, I didn't know what to do with that suffering, I had never suffered like that before. I was always a girl who had many friends, a wonderful family, a good school, I wasn't used to suffering. And for the first time in my life, I received a no from the universe. I couldn't have what I wanted.

It was in 2010 that I lost my faith, stopped believing in God, and stopped having religion or anything that resembled religion. But I'll continue this story about religion in another chapter, because I'll leave that exclusively for Marcelo.

I've summarized briefly, but in the book, you can find much more. If you have any doubts, don't hesitate to ask me, and if I'm not here anymore, maybe my parents can tell you a bit about it, although they're not as involved in this story as Roberta.

Roberta is the person who knows the most about this story aside from me. But it wouldn't be possible to talk to her. And you'll find out why soon.

I remember I lost a lot of weight, I just wanted to sleep because every time I slept, I dreamt of him, so it was like when I slept, I was with him again. I saw him in my dreams. So I wanted to sleep all the time because only in my dreams was I happy. And I already liked sleeping, but it was from that moment when we broke up that sleeping became my favorite thing in the world and my escape valve. That was the trigger for me to like sleeping so much at a level that's not normal, let's say.

But I remember that sleeping was my point of peace, it was the only time I could be with him. But I know it was a true hell to live, I just wanted to die, felt pain all the time. I wanted to die but didn't want to kill myself because I would never do that to my parents. But I remember I even put ice on my body, especially on my chest area, and then used a hairdryer over it to see if I could get pneumonia and be hospitalized, hoping they would give me sleeping pills and I could see him again. That's the level I reached. Yes, I reached that level.

And on top of everything, I managed to ruin my parents' marriage a bit because seeing me suffering so much, wasting away slowly, their marriage went into crisis and even infidelity happened, and I was one of the reasons for it.

I think I stayed weeks without going to school, and then I returned. I even stayed a month without going to school. But when I went back to school, I tried to look beautiful, wonderful. I even got a piercing on my nose, came back all done up, with my hair done, and someone even told me that he commented, 'Wow, she looks beautiful.' But I realized I wouldn't be able to stay in the same classroom as him.

Not even in the same school, so I changed schools. I went through about 3 or 4 schools and didn't like any of them, I wouldn't return the next day.

The first school I went back to was the one I studied at for so many years, the only school I knew. But returning to that school, I felt a billion bad feelings. It was as if I was going back to my past, but without Marcelo. Only that school was from before Marcelo, it had stayed in the past, now Marcelo existed. And going back to the past without him was erasing all the happiness I had experienced, taking it away from me.

Not to mention that I knew many people in that school, including friends with whom we drifted apart over time. The looks of 'poor thing, got dumped' and even looks of 'went back to the old school that welcomed you so much after you got dumped' or 'hahaha you distanced yourself from us, your friends, because of a guy, serves you right, now you'll be alone.' I had never felt so lonely in my entire life. I remember I couldn't stand being in that school for even 1 hour, and I begged my mom to come pick me up.

It was only after so many schools that I found Alvorada School, RIGHT NEXT TO MARCELO'S HOUSE (I even bumped into him several times on the street, but after fights, we passed each other without greeting, as if we were strangers, as if those two people had never seen each other. From lovers to total strangers on the street. That was the worst feeling. Anyone passing by at that moment and seeing us walking in opposite directions would never imagine that those two people had once dated). It was at that school that I met my best friend, Caio. He was also an extremely important person in my life, but I'll leave that for later.

All I know is that although it was more intense with Marcelo because he was my first love and my first boyfriend, and the pain was so deep, it lasted about 1 and a half years, two years. Now, with Caique (not ready YET to talk about him and our story)... it was about 6 years battling to forget him and I never managed to do it completely. It's a scar that isn't visible, but it's there. But I learned to manage the pain a little better because the first cut is the deepest.

13/04 Chapter 237: Oh, the guilt

Today during the day there wasn't any significant event, but at night... It was one of the most dreadful nights of my life.

I put you to bed earlier today, around 10 p.m. because you didn't sleep in the afternoon and were really sleepy, so you fell asleep quickly. My intention was also to sleep around 11/11:30 p.m. because tomorrow morning between 8-9 a.m. two suitcases from the USA would arrive for me. So, I wanted to sleep well at night, a reasonable number of hours so that I would wake up without sleepiness and could check everything that arrived before you woke up. But well, tonight you kept waking up every half an hour, and putting the pacifier back in your mouth wasn't enough.

Close to midnight you cried again, and I was already asleep. Tired and impatient, I tried to make you sleep again in the crib, but without success. So, I picked you up, scolded you a lot, and put you to sleep next to me in bed. And you started touching my ear, but I've mentioned how that gives me hot flashes and bothers me tremendously (I don't know why) and had to turn away. I put the pillow on your side and turned around.

Around an hour later, I heard the worst sound a mother could hear: THUD. Instantly, I woke up terrified and knew exactly what had happened. You had fallen off the bed, my super high bed, almost 90 cm high. In shock and with terror all over my body, I screamed: MELANIE? MELANIE? And you started crying. I know that everything that went through my head in those microseconds that I took to get out of bed to see how you were was horrible. You could be bleeding, you could be convulsing, you could have broken something in your body, you could have hit your head from a height of almost 1 meter and suffered injuries... I don't know how all of this went through my head in such a short time, but it did.

Mel, the terror I felt was so great... I was desperate. When I went to help you, you were lying on the floor, in a sleeping position, but in the worst scenario of position: with your belly up and your back turned to the floor. In other words, you must have hit your head, and on the back, the most dangerous spot. If it were your forehead and you had fallen on all fours, for example, the scenario would be better.

In panic, I picked you up, started comforting you, and shouted for my mother to come upstairs. To my surprise, you didn't cry that much, and didn't make a scene. My mother soon arrived and was also desperate, started lecturing me, and rightly so, and picked you up to assess you, still with you crying, but not making a scene.

We didn't know what to do, whether we should take you to the hospital or not because you were reacting well. There was no bump, swelling, blood, nothing... I started searching on Google and most of the searches talked about these signs. The worst part is that we don't know how you fell, if you actually rolled and hit your head on the floor, if you tried to get off the bed (because you were half awake and struggling to sleep) and when you tried to get down, slipped, fell, and lay down scared, anyway... we don't know.

My mom went to talk to my dad who immediately came upstairs and picked you up. He started walking back and forth with you and in a few minutes you were already laughing, hitting the cats, running around, and super happy, being yourself. We were a little more relieved, and although my father said you were reacting very well, I felt imprudent in not taking you to the hospital. But we thought: 2 a.m., we would all have to go, you are already traumatized by hospitals, they would do a CT scan and you wouldn't cooperate, so they would have to sedate you... A whirlwind started in my thoughts and I tried to decide what would be best for you.

You obviously woke up, and we kept you awake and under observation until 4 a.m., and then we made you sleep. The rhythm of your breathing was normal and apparently everything was okay, but still, I was very scared. The guilt I felt. First, because you are an excellent, wonderful baby, and in the sleep department you have always been with very rare exceptions of episodes of pain, colic, fever, anyway... You have always slept wonderfully well and sometimes when you don't sleep, I argue with you? Too unfair, and horrible of me, you deserve apologies. Second, your dad is traveling, so if I put you in bed with me, I have to line the entire bed well, put pillows on top of pillows, blanket or mattress on the floor and think about all the possibilities. What I didn't do because I was sleepy. Actually, when am I not sleepy?

Since you were having a rough night and having difficulty sleeping, you probably kept rolling and rolling and rolling until you got out of the pillow area and ended up on the other side. Actually, you do that a lot, in the crib we put you in a specific position and at dawn you are in the 100% opposite position from what we put you in, turning 360 degrees, lol.

All I know is that I felt guilty for arguing with you, guilty for being reckless, and I just wanted you to be okay so I could apologize, shower you with kisses, and be a better mom, because I was feeling like a failure. With a whirlwind of emotions, I called your dad past 1:30 in the morning there in Bolivia, crying and telling him what happened even though my parents were against scaring him. However, I think that if the situation were reversed and you were with him and his family and something happened and he didn't tell me, I would be very angry, disappointed, furious, and I wouldn't trust him anymore. So, he's the dad, he has to know everything that's going on. And I believe I did the right thing.

  He was startled but gradually calmed down and tried to calm me down too. But I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt, failure, and the terrible sound of you falling from the bed from my mind. What irresponsibility. They should warn more about bed accidents with babies, SIDS, instead of focusing so much on stupid things like TV and sugar.

Doing the research in the hour of desperation, I saw a case that broke my heart, that of a little boy named Colton. At 6 months old, his parents put him in bed and he fell from a bed 60 cm high (lower than the one you fell from) and hit his head. He seemed fine, even smiled, but the worried parents took him to the hospital thinking they would say it was just a fall, but that's not what happened. The baby bled half of all the blood he had inside his brain and was hospitalized for a long time. Doctors warned the family that even if he got out of that situation, he would have irreversible damage such as loss of vision, hearing, mobility could be compromised, anyway... He did get out of that situation, but had sequels until he was 4 years old, and then, he passed away :(

Can you imagine the guilt these parents didn't feel? One mistake, one slip, ended up being fatal and completely changing the life of the whole family. The child lived for 4 years with a lot of complication, a lot of pain... I saw the pictures and it broke my heart. How could such a silly mistake (all of us humans make mistakes) escalate into something so disproportionate? These parents... the pain they must have felt, the guilt of thinking that their child was living like this because of them, my God..... and then losing him. It's so much pain for these parents' hearts.

Of course, bed falls in babies and children are common (it shouldn't be, but it is) and consequences like those of little Colton are rare, but still, it can happen and it ends up destroying any parent's emotions. Ah, if we could go back in time and fix something that could fix everything... But we can't, what remains is guilt and regret.

Babe, please be ok, if something happens to you I will never, never forgive myself. The next 78 hours will be crucial. I'm sorry I didn't take you to the hospital, but everything seemed to indicate that you were fine, still, it's a big irresponsibility, but I can't stand to see you in the hospital anymore, we're both traumatized. If they admitted you again, neither you nor I could handle it.

14/04 Chapter 238: No war and anger was ever won

This weekend the war flared up. Iran has now attacked Israel again. That makes me so sad... You, my love, have Arab and Jewish blood. Your grandfather was born in Morocco and your great-grandfather was Jewish, that's why your middle name is Cohen, which came from your father.

While men fight over religion, territories, money... women, children, and innocent men also die without being involved and without wanting to be part of all this. I can't imagine that in 2024 here we are.

Iran and Israel have been long-time rivals and have been involved in a parallel war for years.

We are in 2024 and currently have 4 countries at war (we also have Ukraine and Russia). War causes immense loss of life, widespread destruction, economic ruin, psychological trauma, displacement of populations, social division, environmental damage, and global instability. Innocent civilians often pay the highest price in war. They are caught in the crossfire, facing the direct impact of violence and conflict despite having no involvement or choice in the matter.

I do not have enough knowledge to comment on this war, but I know that you, my daughter, share the blood of both rivals. And I know that currently, innocent people are dying, and that is devastating.

And even worse, on social media, people from all over the world are taking sides, putting flags of country X, country Y next to their names as if it were a football match. What is wrong with these people? Honestly...

You know, sometimes I think (I'm not a feminist, far from it) that many problems come from men, not from women. If you think about it, most pedophiles are men, most serial killers (almost all) are men, traffickers are men (women are usually just disposable mules), criminals and robbers are men, corrupt politicians are mostly men (although there are quite a few women in this too, but it doesn't come close to the number of men), most betrayals are by men, fatal traffic accidents = men, etc, etc, etc. Are men less evolved spirits than women?