To My Daughter Melanie (October 2026)

 01/09 Chapter 611: Improvised Vacation

Today was my day to take care of you and Rafinha while Grandma and Auntie took care of several last-minute wedding errands. At first, I was supposed to be alone with the two of you, but Grandma took a little tumble getting out of the shower today and decided to skip Pilates because she was sore and didn’t want to push herself. So she ended up staying with me, keeping me company and helping me with you two, because taking care of both of you is definitely not an easy job! 😂

As for Grandma, thankfully it was just a fall. She didn’t hit her head or break anything, and she was only sore afterward. But we do get a little more worried when something like that happens because when you’re very young or elderly, your bones can be more fragile, your skin can be thinner, and your body can take longer to recover. A fall can also cause fractures or other complications, so at these two stages of life, even a simple tumble deserves a little extra attention and care.

The plan was for me to stay with you until 4 p.m. At 4, we would leave the house, I would drop you both off at Great-Grandma’s house, and at 5 I had my nail appointment for the wedding. It was supposed to take about an hour, and then I would pick you up again and take you home.

Time went by much faster than I expected. We played for a while, watched TV, painted, and before I knew it, it was already 4 p.m. So I took you both to Great-Grandma’s house and went to get my nails done.

Later, when I was already near Great-Grandma’s house, she asked me to come upstairs because she was making a second batch of pão de queijo for you and it was going to take a little while. So I went up and watched the two of you happily devour them.

She said she made them because you asked for them. Rafinha didn’t want any at first. But once they were ready, he started eating and ended up eating even more than you did! Then you both asked for more, so she made another batch. 😂

Every time you go to Great-Grandma’s house, the thing you love most is eating her pão de queijo. More than chocolate or anything else! It reminds me so much of myself when I used to stay at my grandma’s house and loved having ice cream with all my sprinkles, nuts, toppings, and everything else I could put on it. That was my favorite thing.

And for you, it’s pão de queijo. ❤️

I think it’s so sweet when you ask to go to Great-Grandma’s house and say that you miss her. And it makes her so happy, too. My grandma was my safe place, and her house felt like my second home. I hope that one day you look back and feel the same way about your Great-Grandma and her house as I did about mine.

After that, we came home, and Rafinha ended up sleeping here too.

Tomorrow, the plan is to go see my friend Miguel, who is visiting from the United States. We’ll see if everything works out! Rafinha will stay with Tayna at the office while we go.

THE WEDDING IS ALMOST HERE!!!!!!!!!! 💍❤️

And just like that, our improvised week of vacation from school is almost over!

To My Daughter Melanie (September 2026)

 11/09 Chapter 601: Standing Your Ground

I’m going to summarize things quite a bit because I’m very behind again, and I don’t want this to turn into a snowball that keeps getting bigger and bigger. And honestly, there isn’t that much to tell or add anyway.

After almost finishing your ten-day course of antibiotics, today, at Miguel’s birthday party, we noticed that you had started sneezing and coughing again. And that sent me straight into a spiral. I couldn’t believe it was happening again because you were STILL taking antibiotics. I had always felt calmer whenever you were on antibiotics because, somewhere in my head, I had convinced myself that they protected you from getting sick. Last week, after you had already been taking the antibiotics for a few days, you spent some time with Rafinha, who was sick himself and had a fever and everything. Because you were on antibiotics, I felt more confident that you wouldn’t catch whatever he had. But I think you did...........

Today, we actually had two birthday parties. Manoela’s started at 6 p.m., and Miguel’s started at 8 p.m. I made a point of going to both because, since one started at six, there was enough time to show up and celebrate both of them. I try to do for other people what I would want them to do for me—or for you. I know that if your birthday ever fell on the same day as another little friend’s, I would be happy if that child’s parents made the effort to come to your party, even if the other child had invited them first. Of course, going to two parties wasn’t easy: two presents, twice the gas, driving across the city during rush hour, and spending time somewhere where I didn’t know a single person. But Manoela’s mom was happy. I could tell she was genuinely grateful that we had made the effort.

I didn’t manage to get there right at six, but we arrived around 6:45. You were happy to see her, and she was happy to see you too. I didn’t know anyone there, so I sat alone at a table near the play area, watching you girls play. It was a small rented space with very few children, and Manoela’s mom had bought some snacks herself and was serving them to the guests. It was a very simple little party. None of the other children from your class came because everyone went to Miguel’s party instead. I understand—they had invited everyone first, and six o’clock is a difficult time for a party. But I still think people could make a little more effort to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Then again, who am I to judge? I did what I could and made my own effort. Like I told you, it wasn’t exactly fun for me to spend money on two presents, use twice the gas, sit in traffic, and spend time in a place where I didn’t know absolutely anyone.

You also felt like a bit of a fish out of water for much of the time because Manoela was the only person you knew. But there were moments when you girls played together, and honestly, those moments alone made it worth going.

You didn’t want to leave without having a little sweet first, but I explained that you couldn’t take one before the birthday song, and her birthday song wasn’t going to happen yet—we wouldn’t be able to stay long enough to see it. Somehow, I managed to convince you, and we left for Miguel’s party. We found your dad at the entrance, and we all went in together.

You had more fun there, although at first you still didn’t want to let go of your dad and go mingle with the other children. It took you a little while to finally go and play. I’ve noticed that you WANT to play, but sometimes, for example, when you’re playing with Maya and then Marina comes along and takes her attention away, you simply give up on playing. You feel pushed aside and replaced, and you get sad. And I’ve experienced that feeling so many times myself that I know exactly what it feels like. It’s frustrating. And watching you go through it without being able to do much about it makes me sad. If you’re already encountering situations like this now and struggling to navigate them, I can only imagine what elementary school will be like, and then middle school, high school... Friendships are complicated. But I hope you learn to stand your ground. When you start feeling pushed to the sidelines, I hope you learn to find your way back to the center instead of becoming intimidated or disappearing. I noticed those moments tonight, and this wasn’t the first time I’ve seen them.

Miguel, on the other hand, was such a sweetheart with you the entire party. He kept asking if you were okay, holding your little hand, calling you over to play, and trying to make you feel comfortable and included. He was absolutely adorable!!!

We left the party almost at midnight, but midnight actually struck while we were already in the car. So I started singing “Happy Birthday” to your dad at the top of my lungs, pulling you into it and making you sing along in both Portuguese and English because your daddy was turning 34! We all sang together, and then I dropped you off at his house so you could celebrate his birthday with him and spend a good part of the next day together. Enjoy your time with Daddy. I can’t be there with you, but I hope you make him feel special.

 12/09 Chapter 602: I Ain't The One

Today I woke up without you, since you had slept at Daddy’s house the night before to celebrate his birthday with him. We had agreed that I would pick you up at 6 p.m., and since it was his birthday, I couldn’t be late or fail to show up for him and leave him upset.

Before going to get you, I went to buy the sofa for my apartment. And, in the end, my mom was the one who bought it for me as a gift. First the dining table, and now the sofa... look at that! What amazing gifts, huh? I spent quite a while struggling with the color because nothing seemed to look right in the room. I put several different options into AI, but I didn’t like any of them. Eventually, I settled on one, although I have no idea whether it will actually look good in the living room. I can only hope it does. The salesman told me those were basically all the sofa colors available and that I wouldn’t find anything different, but that’s just salesman talk. I’m sure of it.

Anyway, at 6 p.m. I went to pick you up. Your dad had made plans to go bowling with Matheus, Marcela, and a couple they’re friends with. Before I got pregnant, we used to get together at Matheus’s house and play all kinds of games with that same couple who went bowling with your dad.

I tried not to take it personally that he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday with me—to go out for dinner or do something together. And, honestly, in a separation, that makes 100% sense. The painful part is that this was already happening even before we separated.

Birthdays are special. Usually, we want to spend them with the people who are special to us, the people we love, especially the person who makes our heart beat a little faster. In my case, I feel like no one has ever really wanted me beside them on their birthday. I have never felt wanted in the way I have wanted certain people. I have never felt essential to someone on that day in the way some people have been essential to me. And your dad was no different. Once again, even before we separated, he always wanted to spend his birthdays with friends and family, but never with me.

There is something deeply painful about not feeling indispensable, about not feeling wanted. And the worst part is that if you have to ask someone for that kind of gesture, it becomes even sadder, because someone wanting your company on their birthday should never have to be demanded. It should come naturally. It should be something they want to do, not something they do because you asked them to.

Realizing that your dad never really wanted me there on a special day like that hurts. But, at the same time, it also forces me to face reality.

I think what hurts the most isn’t that he chose to spend his birthday with his friends. It’s the realization that, in all those years, I was never the person he naturally wanted beside him on a day like that. I didn’t want an invitation because it was expected of him, or because I had asked, or because we were a couple and therefore he thought he should include me. I wanted to be the person he looked at and thought, Of course I want her here. It’s my birthday, and I want to spend it with her. There is a huge difference between being included and being wanted.

And maybe that is why this hurts more than it should. Because birthdays are just one day, but what they represent is much bigger. They show you, sometimes without anyone saying a word, where you fit in someone’s life. I wanted to feel like I belonged there naturally, without having to ask for my place. I wanted to be one of the first people they thought of, not someone they had to remember to include. And realizing that I apparently never occupied that place in his heart is a painful kind of clarity. Not because I believe I should have been the only person he wanted around, but because I wanted to be someone he genuinely wanted there. Someone whose presence would make the day feel more complete, not someone whose absence made no difference.

Maybe that is the part I have to accept now: sometimes you can love someone deeply, make them a priority, and still not hold the same place in their world. And there is no amount of asking, explaining, or trying harder that can manufacture that feeling in another person. You either naturally want someone beside you, or you don’t. And as painful as that truth is, I think there is something freeing about finally seeing it clearly.

 13/09 Chapter 603: The Never Ending Cycle

As I told you, you started getting sick again even while taking antibiotics, which completely shattered my theory that being on antibiotics made the chances of catching something almost impossible. So, from now on, whenever you’re taking antibiotics, my heart probably won’t be quite as calm as it used to be.

Ever since Miguel’s party, you had started coughing and sneezing again, and then, guess what happened in the middle of the night? You developed a high fever. I realized it while I was hugging you and noticed how hot you felt. You don’t even need a thermometer to know when your child has a fever. You just know by touch. The thermometer is only there to tell you the exact number. And, of course, along with the fever came the respiratory effort too—you were pulling in around your ribs, and I could clearly see that familiar struggle to breathe that has become such a source of trauma for us.

I woke my mom up and asked her to help me get the Novalgina so your fever could come down. She was very worried, but eventually managed to go back to sleep. I couldn’t close my eyes until your fever came down, though, and it took almost TWO HOURS. I was already starting to worry because when you give a child a fever reducer and the fever doesn’t come down, you can’t simply give another medication right away. You have to wait four hours before giving a different fever reducer, in this case Tylenol. But if the fever stays high during that time, you’re stuck waiting for the medication window to pass, and meanwhile you’re trying everything you can think of—cool compresses, lukewarm baths, anything to help. Except it was the middle of the night. Waking you up to give you a lukewarm bath would have been pure torture.

All of this started around three in the morning. At about four, I messaged Dr. Humberto’s secretary, Sandra, asking if she could somehow fit you in and explaining that it was urgent. But because your fever took so long to come down, it only really broke around five in the morning, almost at sunrise. That was the first moment I finally felt like I could relax enough to sleep. And, of course, I completely lost track of time. When I looked at my phone at ten in the morning, Sandra had already replied saying she could see you at 9:30. Oops. Too late. Both you and I had fallen into such a deep sleep after everything that happened during the night that waking up earlier was almost impossible. I only woke up at ten to check your temperature, which was now completely normal, and you were nice and cool again.

When I replied to Sandra explaining that I had missed the appointment but would take you to the hospital, she told me that my mom had already called her early that morning and had managed to get you an appointment for the afternoon. And this is exactly why I thank God every single day for having my mom. She had gone back to sleep worried about you, but then she woke up, took the time to call the doctor’s office, and when Sandra said there was an opening in the morning, my mom explained that we wouldn’t be able to make it because we were resting. She insisted until she managed to get us an afternoon appointment instead, while also getting everything ready for me. My exhausted mother, who was taking care of me even while she was worried herself.

That afternoon, my mom came with me to see Dr. Humberto. Your dad thought I should take you straight to the hospital for an X-ray and that seeing Dr. Humberto would be pointless that day. I argued that he was your pediatrician, and that he could simply order the X-ray himself. We could go directly to the hospital, have it done, and then send him the image on our phone. I tried to explain my reasoning, but your dad kept giving me a thousand reasons why I should just take you to the hospital. So I calmly told him that if he wanted to do things his way, he could. He could take my car, take you wherever he thought was best, stay with you, and handle everything himself, and afterward he could simply tell me what had happened and what medications you needed. I meant it sincerely. Of course, he didn’t want to do that. So I respectfully asked that, since he wasn’t going to take you himself, he let me handle the situation in the way I thought was most prudent, and I would keep him informed. He eventually accepted that.

Our appointment was scheduled for 2 p.m. Even though we arrived on time—and 2 p.m. is the first appointment after the doctor’s lunch break, so I thought we would be the first ones seen—other people somehow beat us to it. When we arrived, there was already a baby going in and another one waiting. So, as usual, we settled in for a good wait.

Then a third newborn arrived, and the baby’s mother left the stroller right in front of you while she went to check in. Except you were coughing that day. And not just coughing a little—you were coughing, coughing, coughing, coughing, endlessly. And there was a brand-new baby sitting right in front of you. It made me so anxious. I almost asked the mother if she would mind moving the baby farther away because I was afraid you might pass your virus to him, but I thought that would be too invasive, so I said nothing.

The mother of the second newborn, who had been in the office before us, had much better instincts. As soon as she noticed you coughing so much, she quietly took her baby, who was in the car seat, outside to wait until they were called. And honestly, she did exactly the right thing. We can’t take that personally. The situation is uncomfortable for everyone—the mother of the sick child and the mother of the child who appears healthy. Nobody wants their baby getting sick, and nobody wants their sick child to be the reason someone else’s baby gets sick either.

Eventually, after quite some time, the mother of the third newborn finally moved her baby and stroller farther back. And I don’t mean to judge her because she was a first-time mother who didn’t know better—she actually had another older daughter with her, around six years old. Anyway, all I can say is that I sincerely hope that little baby stayed well and didn’t catch anything from you. Even though you were being such a good girl and covering your mouth when you coughed, viruses still spread.

Finally, we were called in. Dr. Humberto said you had some mucus in your lungs and that the ideal thing would be to get an X-ray. He could write the order, and we could go straight to the X-ray department at the hospital across the street and then send him the image. If necessary, he would prescribe another round of antibiotics.

So we went to the hospital, and that was when I realized just how much of a difference it had made to see your pediatrician first. The pediatric ER was absolutely PACKED. Completely packed. We didn’t have to go through any of that because we already had the X-ray order in hand, so we went DIRECTLY to get the X-ray. And even though the X-ray department itself was busy, you were called quickly because you were considered a priority.

As soon as we got the image, instead of simply sending it to Dr. Humberto on our phones, we crossed the street and went back to his office so he could see it himself. There were some whitish areas on the X-ray, but he said he thought they were simply remnants from your previous pneumonia. He mentioned that he thought you might be having atelectasis, and for now, the recommendation was simply to do plenty of respiratory physiotherapy, including chest percussion.

Since you’re still sick, that means another week without school.

I swear, I’m seriously considering asking the school for a discount because you miss more days than you attend. Seriously. It feels a little unfair to be paying full tuition at this point.

But anyway, what matters now is that you recover and feel better. So, I suppose you’ve just earned yourself another week of vacation.

 15/09 Chapter 604: The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far

Remember when I told you that my sister was getting married in a church? What started as a small celebration with a barbecue at her house somehow grew into an actual wedding with a buffet, a church ceremony, and an invitation for the entire family. Well, she hadn’t originally asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, but after everything changed and the wedding became a much bigger affair, she invited me, so I went shopping for my dress.

And you? You were asked to be one of the flower girls, and you’re going to walk down the aisle scattering flowers, just like I told you. Today was the day Grandma took you to look at your dress. She told me that the moment you walked in and saw all those dresses, you were absolutely ecstatic. You looked like you had entered paradise. Whenever you saw a beautiful debutante dress, you immediately decided it belonged to one of the princesses, even assigning the color to the princess’s name. For example, you saw a gorgeous pink debutante dress and immediately announced that it was Aurora’s dress, and so on.

When you walked into the children’s dress section, Grandma said you practically lit up. You spotted a baby-blue dress and immediately wanted to try it on. You looked like a little princess, and she called me on video so I could see you. The thing was, we really wanted you to wear white with details in another color. Then we found the PERFECT dress: completely white, with a royal-blue sash around the waist. It would have matched the bridesmaids’ dresses beautifully. Grandma and I tried everything we could to convince you, but you wouldn’t budge. You insisted that you wanted the blue one, and there was absolutely nothing anyone could say to make you accept the white.

Honestly, if it had been entirely up to me, I probably would have said, “It has to be the white one. Period.” And you would simply have had to deal with it. But your grandma... well, Grandma is Grandma, right? And apparently, flower girls have rights too.

Then my aunt Rosane called me and basically told me I had it coming—that I had done EXACTLY the same thing at her wedding. I was about six years old when I was invited to be her flower girl, and she wanted me to wear a white dress. But I refused completely and insisted on blue. Blue had always been my favorite color, although back then I preferred baby blue, but for some reason, at her wedding, I chose navy blue. And despite everyone’s best efforts, nobody could convince me to change my mind. I was even older than you and understood things a little better, and I still refused.

So I guess we ended up in exactly the same situation. Apparently, you really are my daughter in every possible way.

18/09 Chapter 605: Follow Your Heart Till It Bleeds

With you being sick this week, you stayed home, but we divided things up pretty well. One day with me, one day with your dad, one day with Grandma, one day with Great-Grandma. Everyone helped, and because of that, it didn’t become too much for any one person. That’s the good thing about sharing the burden and the problems: they never become too overwhelming or too heavy for just one person. Remember that.

I mentioned to your dad on his birthday that, since he had gone out with his friend to play bowling, maybe the three of us could go out to a restaurant and celebrate together. I would buy him a cake he liked, and we could go out and have dinner.

But his cake was ready on Monday, and by Tuesday I took it to him because I was afraid it would dry out and wouldn’t be good anymore. Since we didn’t have a date set for going out to eat, I decided to leave the cake with him.

Then, during the week, we had plans to go to a restaurant, the three of us, on Friday—today. But since I was taking you to the theater again on Sunday, he said maybe it would be better to go after the theater instead. I said okay, but later he said it would be better to go next week.

And something clicked inside my head.

It suddenly felt as though he were doing me a FAVOR by going out with us. I felt pushed aside, as if this were something unnecessary, something he was only doing because he felt obligated to. And something really shifted inside my little head—and inside my heart.

I felt angry, disappointed, hurt, and sad.

But more than anything, it felt like something inside my heart simply switched off, as if someone had pulled the plug from the wall.

Besides trying to reschedule a dinner that was starting to feel like something he was doing as a favor to me, he had already started sending me messages criticizing me for postponing your ear appointment by one week.

It was originally scheduled for Monday, but Monday had been set aside for your school’s Grandparents’ Tea for quite some time. It’s an event that happens only once a year, where the grandparents get together with their grandchildren, bring their grandchild’s favorite treat, eat together, play games, and simply spend time with them. It only happens once a year. The grandparents enjoy it, and the grandchildren enjoy it too.

And yes, the doctor’s appointment is IMPORTANT. Your dad thinks you might have some kind of ear problem or sensitivity to noise, and he also wants to have your nose checked because you’re constantly bothered by it. But it’s not an emergency, and waiting one more week isn’t going to change anything. That was simply the next available appointment they had, and that’s okay.

But as he kept sending messages criticizing me and emphasizing how important this appointment was, I decided to get ahead of it. I sent him a voice message, cutting him off and finally saying some of the things that had been weighing on my heart—not just about this, but about everything.

I think I had reached the point where I simply couldn’t keep swallowing everything anymore.

You know, there have been other times when it felt like someone had pulled the plug on me, only for it to slowly find its way back into the socket, reconnecting and bringing my energy back little by little.

This time, all I can do is hold on to this feeling of being unplugged and pray, hope, and beg that it DOESN’T go away. I hope this emptiness, this feeling of being unwanted and dismissed, lasts. I hope the love I feel slowly fades away once and for all, and that I can finally move forward without needing the crumbs, the attention, or the approval of your dad.

I hope this feeling stays.

19/09 Chapter 606: To The Infity And Beyond

Yesterday, one of the reasons I was so upset with your dad was that I messaged him asking if he wanted to come with me to take you and Rafinha to the theater to watch Toy Story again. Since Rafinha didn’t come last time and it was just the girls, I thought that, as his aunt and godmother watching the show, he would absolutely love it. Woody and Buzz are characters he loves, there are songs, and the actors interact with the children. I could already picture my little guy having the time of his life, so I made a point of taking him too.

I asked you if you wanted to go again, this time with your cousin, and you said yes. So I extended the invitation to your dad and asked if he wanted to come with us. Not only to help me with the two of you, but simply for the company. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that my sister and Rafael took you and Rafinha to the movies to watch Paw Patrol. They took care of both of you, bought popcorn, French fries, McDonald’s, ice cream, and you all had such a fun day together. Even Rafael, who isn’t your biological uncle, takes you places sometimes and genuinely enjoys your company. I wish your dad would do the same for Rafinha and have that same kind of affection for him. But all I ever seem to get is annoyance, eye-rolling, and criticism. Such a shame.

Anyway, I asked him, and he never answered. And as far as I’m concerned, silence speaks for itself. That was another one of the things that contributed to my burnout.

That said, today my family had a 60th birthday party for my uncle Marcel, my cousins’ dad. There was going to be feijoada and lots of beer. Since I hate beer and don’t particularly like feijoada either, I decided to let my parents and my sister enjoy the party while I took you two to the theater. That way, everyone got what they wanted and everyone won: because honestly, two little kids at a party like that wouldn’t have much fun anyway.

Money is pretty tight for me right now because of everything I’m spending on the apartment renovation, so I put your tickets on my dad’s card. The tickets ended up costing more than R$100 altogether. R$35 isn’t exactly cheap for a simple children’s play, especially considering children don’t even get half-price tickets, which is usually the case.

I arrived early so we could get the first row, and we did. You two asked for popcorn and a marshmallow covered in chocolate. I bought a bag of popcorn for each of you—and one for myself too—and told you two that you had to share the marshmallow. And somehow, it worked.

After waiting in line for about twenty minutes, we finally went inside the theater. Even before the actors came onstage, one of them walked past us, and Rafinha immediately went over to say hello to Buzz. And just like that, the fun had already begun.

Watching theater plays always makes me nostalgic. I used to love doing theater. I loved acting, and I’m actually good at it—I always have been. Through acting and the experiences I had, I realized that I liked theater even more than television, and I’ve always had a special love for the stage.

I only did a handful of plays, though. I think my dream as an “actress” was always to play princesses and more impactful, memorable characters, but in the few productions I did, I always put my whole heart and soul into them. When my old theater teacher mentioned that he had classes for adults on Wednesdays, I actually considered signing up. Maybe someday. Maybe next year?

During the play, you two had fun. I noticed that one of the actresses—the one who played the soldier in the previous show—had been replaced. I don’t know why, but the other actress was better, and unfortunately, that made this version a little less funny.

The puppet soldier, who I thought was the star of the previous show, wasn’t nearly as funny this time either. They had changed some of his lines and gestures, and those little details actually make a huge difference. But most of the people there were probably seeing the show for the first time, so they didn’t notice and didn’t know what they had missed the first time around. After all, you can’t miss something you never knew existed.

And you’re still too little to notice those tiny differences anyway.

The musical numbers are fun, but they’re quite long, which makes the children lose interest a little. Twice during the songs, Rafinha turned to me and asked, “When is it going to be over?” And he’s four years old. I can only imagine what the two-year-olds were thinking, especially considering how packed the theater was with little children.

I actually think the interaction with the children is one of the best parts, because it gives them a chance to participate in the play and interact with the actors instead of simply sitting there watching.

Once the play was over, it was time for pictures. During the previous show, the theater teacher had organized everything very nicely, calling each row up one at a time to take pictures with the cast.

There was one mother, though, who was incredibly rude. She was sitting in one of the rows toward the back, but she put her daughter in front of everyone else, completely ignoring what the teacher had said about going row by row and, quite frankly, ignoring everyone around her. It was as if she believed the entire world revolved around her and her daughter.

I almost—almost—said something. But I let it go. We were going to be the third group called up anyway, so we were already close. It wasn’t worth creating a scene.

But it was the audacity of it. The complete lack of respect for everyone else, as if she were somehow more important than all the other people standing there. She wasn’t.

And honestly, I feel sorry for that little girl. I can only imagine what she’ll learn from watching her mother behave like that as she grows up.

After the theater, I took you two to McDonald’s for a quick meal, and then we went to the playground at Safari Park. And that’s where the real challenge began, because you are obedient, but your cousin is... not so much.

So much so that I had him on one of those child safety wrist leashes. It’s basically a strap that attaches the child to you, almost like a leash for a dog. Weird? Absolutely. But depending on the child, necessary. And since I had two children with me—and your cousin is literally all over the place—it was something I really needed.

The restaurant works almost like an arcade. There are several games and attractions where you buy a card and load it with credits using money, and then you use those credits until they run out. The main playground cost R$10 per child and you could play as much as you wanted, while the other little games that fascinated Rafinha—and you too—cost around R$5 or R$8 each but lasted about two minutes. To me, that is a complete waste of money.

The difference between you two was that even when you really wanted something, if I said “No,” you accepted it. Rafinha didn’t. He would cry, throw himself on the floor, and put on a whole show in front of everyone. There were children who had actually paid to play, and he would walk over and pull them away or try to play alongside them without even being invited. And if I took him away, he would scream and throw himself on the floor.

That’s the difficult part with Rafinha. He simply doesn’t know how to deal with the word “no.”

The same thing happened at McDonald’s. He wanted a little crab toy from the Happy Meal, but I wasn’t about to spend three times the price on a tiny little crab, especially at this point in my life when I really need to watch my money. I just couldn’t.

You accepted it. He threw another tantrum.

Then he saw a Fini candy and wanted that too. Another tantrum.

And so it went, over and over again, with random things he saw, wanted, and simply couldn’t accept being told no to.

In other words, the theater was easy. Everything AFTER the theater was the hard part.

Eventually, I realized it would be better to just go home with you two because the shopping mall was clearly not working out. But before heading home, I stopped by my new apartment to check on the bar stools that had arrived and to show Rafinha your starry sky.

And the starry sky was a HUGE success. You two spent about half an hour playing and having fun underneath all those little lights, completely mesmerized by them.

After that, we went home, and I took care of you two for quite a while until everyone else came back from the birthday party.

But all in all, it was such a fun and happy day with the two of you. <3

22/09 Chapter 607: A Dream I Had Given Up On

My sister’s wedding is getting closer, and everything is already prepared. And I’m genuinely happy for my parents because I know how much Mom dreamed of seeing her daughters get married. At least now, she is going to have that opportunity with Tayna, something that appeared almost out of nowhere and happened so suddenly. Until not long ago, Tayna didn’t even want to have a wedding or a party. What was supposed to be something small slowly grew as the idea began to excite her, and every day she became interested in doing a little more, until somehow it turned into the big celebration it is now. And once again, Mom will get to see at least one of her daughters get married, wearing a beautiful dress, having her hair done, and celebrating such an important moment.

My dad will also get to walk at least one of his daughters down the aisle. I honestly thought that was never going to happen. Again, my sister didn’t want that, and I had genuinely given up on the idea altogether. So knowing that, before my dad leaves this world, he will get to have that moment—walking his daughter down the aisle in that setting—makes me emotional. I’m sure he’s going to cry. If he cried as much as he did at our quinceañera, imagine him at a wedding.

I’m also happy for my grandparents—all three of them—because they’ll get to see a granddaughter get married, and they’ll get to see their great-grandchildren, you and Rafinha, walking into the church in such a beautiful way. I think life comes down to so much of this: being able to feel genuinely happy for other people, for their joy, for their happiness. Joy is contagious. Seeing the people we love happy makes us happy too—or at least, it should.

And I’m grateful. Grateful that my sister gets to give my parents something I never could.

26/09 Chapter 608: I Let My Heart Lead the Way

I actually managed to give your dad the cold shoulder for quite a while, and for once, it wasn’t forced. This time I was genuinely discouraged. I didn’t feel like talking to him or dragging out any conversations, and I think he noticed. But your dad has an incredible talent for somehow getting me back to normal and slowly getting me to talk to him again, little by little, almost sneakily, but somehow he always manages it. I’ve never been able to stay angry with him or ignore him for very long. It always passes. I think this was probably the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to him, except during my pregnancy. From the moment I met him, that was the longest period we ever went without speaking. He was blocked, so we literally went MONTHS without talking, and I was slowly getting used to it. I was actually starting to be okay.

One of the worst things—not just in this particular situation, but in life in general—is when it takes you so long to get over something, or you finally feel like you’re moving forward after so much effort and sacrifice, and then, out of nowhere, the person or the situation comes back or changes, and you feel your body and your emotions being pulled right back to where you started. You look behind you and see all the effort you put in, all the sacrifices you made, seemingly unraveling before your eyes. It’s such a horrible feeling, almost as if you’re losing control over something you fought so hard to gain control of.

Again, I’m not saying that’s exactly what is happening this time, but it reminds me of it a little. Because so many times I get angry, I get stubborn, I put my walls up, but eventually, if someone knows how to approach me, they can soften me and get me to come around. I think having a heart like mine speaks louder than anything else.

I swear to you, my daughter, the part of myself I love the most is my heart. Only I truly know what it’s like inside. Only I know how sensitive, empathetic, and fragile it can be. It is one of the most important parts of who we are, and of our soul.

Protect it.

28/09 Chapter 609: A Long Way From Home

Your dad has been talking to me lately about spending New Year’s in Europe. The whole idea actually started with me a while ago, when I said I would love to go to France and take you to Disneyland Paris, where they have this enchanted Frozen-themed part of the park that I think you would absolutely love. I even mentioned to Grandma Laura when she was at the beach how much I wanted to go, but she said you were still too little, that it would be better to wait until you were older, blah, blah, blah. Sigh... So I eventually dropped the subject and didn’t bring it up again, but then your dad started talking about going to Europe again. Not specifically Disneyland, but the trip itself.

Now that things between us have started going back to normal and we’re talking to each other more or less normally again, the subject came up. And managing to go an entire week without talking to him and keeping my tough-girl act going was probably a record for me—again, not counting the time during my pregnancy.

I explained to your dad that I didn’t think this was the right time for me to go. Not only because I’m still a little angry, but because I genuinely don’t have the money. I have R$35,000 left, which might sound like a lot, but I still have R$5,000 left to pay for your bedroom, another R$10,000 that I owe Thiago for my bedroom, around R$3,000 for the bathroom that will have to be redone because of the shower problem, plus the electrical work, which I have no idea how much he’ll charge me for, but I’m guessing somewhere between R$4,000 and R$7,000. And on top of all that, I need to keep some money in reserve to buy dollars and continue bringing merchandise over from the United States.

And there goes the money.

Gone. Completely gone. Literally.

I have never been in a situation like this before, where I’m basically out of money. I’ve always had some kind of savings, some amount set aside for emergencies. This is different, and I don’t like it. I feel like I’m in completely unfamiliar territory. So I explained all of that to him and told him I couldn’t go.

He had previously said that he could pay for my plane ticket, lend me the money, and then, sometime in a year or whenever I received some money, I could pay him back. At first, I considered it. But this time I was very firm: no. I have never had a debt in my life, and I’m not going to start now. I don’t do debt. I don’t have it, I don’t make it, period. And beyond that, I would feel tied to every bit of money that came in, knowing I had to give it back to your dad, when in reality, every bit of money I earn right now needs to go toward finishing the apartment. There is still so much missing.

I still need the TV console and panel, the stone countertop and part of the wall covering in the dining room, the rest of the dining room itself, wallpaper in the hallway, a shoe cabinet in the hallway, the closet in my bedroom, the stone countertop and sink and shelves in the laundry room, a dryer, curtains for my bedroom, a nightstand, another TV panel, the stone and furniture for my bathroom, furniture for your bathroom—like the cabinet underneath and above the sink—the entire guest bedroom, and the furniture for the guest bathroom.

And that’s just what comes to mind right now. When you’re actually living through a renovation, there is always something else here, something there, something that needs to be paid for, fixed, replaced, or finished. It feels endless.

Then he asked me if money were no longer a problem—if that part were somehow solved—would I go? I still said I didn’t think it was necessarily the best time. Things are different from last year, when we were considering getting back together. But I also understand how important this trip is to him and to his parents. So I told him that if he really wanted to go, then we could go.

The idea would be to stay for two weeks, while he would stay one extra week and come back afterward. I also told him I don’t feel completely comfortable with his parents paying for everything, considering that we aren’t even together anymore. But... ultimately, that’s their choice.

He really wants to take you to see the snow in the French Alps, and I know you would absolutely love seeing snow for the first time. There are just so many things that make me hesitant. There’s everything that’s going on between us right now, the idea of driving from Spain to France with a small child, the whole Edith situation, the thought of flying back home alone with you, my eating habits, and, honestly, the thought of being freezing cold again. The cold spell here in São Paulo is only just ending, and I’m finally able to wear dresses again. The idea of leaving our summer and going straight into absolutely freezing weather is not exactly thrilling to me.

But I can’t make this all about me. That wouldn’t be fair.

So, we’ll see where this conversation takes us and whether we actually end up going and you finally get to discover the world of snow. At least I know there would be snowball fights, snow angels, and probably some very unsuccessful attempts at skiing. The only tragedy is that I can’t count on having a delicious cup of hot milk chocolate, because apparently over there they insist on drinking that bitter dark chocolate stuff.

30/09 Chapter 610: Week Challenge

This week, our challenge has been keeping you and Rafinha home from school because the wedding is on Saturday, and we were absolutely terrified that either you or Rafinha would catch a cold and get sick before the wedding. If you had gone to school, that felt VERY likely. So our mission this week has been keeping you both in the same environment while finding enough things to keep you entertained.

On Monday, September 28th, Grandma and Auntie took you and Rafinha to have the final adjustments done on Auntie’s wedding dress, Grandma’s dress, and your dress. They said it was quite a challenge having both of you there, especially because Grandma’s dress took a long time and keeping the two of you entertained was not exactly easy. But that took up the entire day, so Monday was officially checked off the calendar.

On Tuesday, we woke up early and you went to ballet. I couldn’t let you miss another class, otherwise you won’t even know how to dance in the performance at the end of the month after missing so many practices! After picking you up from ballet, I took you to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and then went back downstairs to work. It was Grandma’s day to take care of you, and apparently it was absolutely wonderful because she managed to keep you completely screen-free, with nothing but playtime and fun all day long. She said you played house, dodgeball, tag, and even had a picnic with her and Grandpa. You literally played all day long.

I came home that evening, but even then, you showed absolutely no signs of being tired. You didn’t go to sleep until after 11 p.m. So, basically: you woke up early for ballet, played all day long, and yet without melatonin, your body simply refuses to get tired and surrender. 😂

And today, September 30th, Dad and I took you to see the doctor who operated on your adenoids and tonsils. He’s also my doctor and takes care of my labyrinthitis. But since we changed health insurance plans, he no longer sees patients at the office we used to go to. With our new, fancier insurance plan, he only sees patients at an office on the south side of the city. Unfortunately for us, it’s much farther away, and it took us almost an hour and a half to get there.

The doctor’s appointments are always pretty quick, and apparently everything looks good with you. But, just as we expected, he ordered a hearing test. He also prescribed two allergy medications to see if they can help with the nasal discomfort you get every time you’re sick.

It took us another hour and a half to get back to São Paulo, and then we went straight home because today is Grandpa’s birthday. He turned 61!!!!!!!!!! My dad is getting old, and it honestly makes my heart ache a little. ❤️

For his birthday, all he wanted was something simple: the whole family together, his mom — your great-grandma, whom I went to pick up at her house — and pizza! And that’s exactly what we did. We all ate pizza together and celebrated another year of your Grandpa’s life.

Enjoy your Grandpa and Grandma as much as you can, because life goes by way too fast.

Now we only have two more days in our mission to keep you and Rafinha out of school. Just two more days.

And tomorrow will be MY day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck, Mommy. 😂❤️

We’ll see.