To my daughter Melanie (October 2024)

 01/10 Chapter 317: Letting it go

our dad finally came back from Barcelona, though I wasn’t home to see your reunion. I’d gone to a hair salon a bit far from home adding some blonde highlights for your upcoming birthday party. Last year, I waited until the day of the party to get my hair done, which was a mistake—I ended up stressed and rushing. This time, I planned it with more time, and it felt so much easier. Grandma took you to the apartment, and she said that while you were a bit shy at first, you gave him a hug after a moment. Unfortunately, she filmed the moment but accidentally recorded the floor, so I missed seeing it. It’s always nice to have him around, isn’t it? But now comes the hard part—facing the reality that we’re no longer together and navigating what comes next.

Deep down, you know, women are sentimental creatures, and I had a slight hope that after three weeks apart, he might have missed me too, not just you. But it was clear when he returned that his mind was fully made up about our separation. I’m not sure who he spoke to or what advice he received, but I felt a distinct difference in him.

Now it’s time to face this new reality. But watching a family unravel is a painful thing.

 08/10 Chapter 318: Just when I'm almost letting it go

Last week, I received an invitation from your school for a parents' party at Adelina Buffet. Adelina is close to your grandparents' house, and I’d only been there once before, years ago, for a 15th birthday party with my ex-boyfriend Caique. The space is really cool, and what’s interesting is that this buffet was once a mansion, a real home where someone actually lived. Now it’s been turned into an event space.

I asked your dad if he wanted to go with me, and he was a bit hesitant, but eventually, he agreed. He reserved the tickets, which were free through the school’s website and only allowed two people, so we arranged for Pietra to watch you for the evening so we could go. Tayna and Rafinha arrived as well, so the four of you stayed together while we got ready for the party.

I chose an outfit that was somewhere between dressy and casual—a nice pink jumpsuit—because I wasn’t sure how people would be dressed, so I went with something in the middle. But when we got there, the air conditioning was so cold I was freezing little by little. Your dad was in pants and was already shivering, and I, with my bare legs, was feeling it even more.

At first, I didn’t feel the cold much, since I’m not usually sensitive to it—unless I’m trying to sleep. But that air conditioning just kept getting worse. The highlight of the night was making friends with Camila’s parents; Camila is your little friend from daycare. I know this because I’ve seen pictures of you two together, even one of you giving her a little kiss.

I recognized her dad from seeing him drop her off at school. They asked if they could sit at our table—maybe because they didn’t know anyone else, and there weren’t many seats left. We happily invited them to join us, and we all started chatting. It’s always great to chat with other parents of kids your age, sharing tips, stories, and advice. Camila is just two months younger than you.

Soon after, they started serving appetizers. I had a few little bites with cream cheese on top, but skipped the rest since they were raw meat and tuna, and I don’t eat those. Then the school’s presentation began, covering their bilingual program, the graduating elementary class trip to Miami, and other topics. It dragged on and started to feel monotonous, and I thought there might not be any more food. Just as I thought that, I noticed a server bringing out more trays, which lifted my spirits. But when they reached our table, they left just one tray for each couple, with six small snacks on each—so, three per person. Not a lot, especially considering how expensive this school is! And the snacks were good, really flavorful.

The event continued with more speeches and presentations until 9:30. Your dad was ready to leave, convinced there’d be no more food. I finally agreed since I was freezing, but I was really curious to see if they’d serve more. Later, when we chatted with Camila’s parents, they confirmed there was a dinner, and it must’ve been delicious since the buffet is so well-regarded. I didn’t even ask what was served to avoid feeling too disappointed about what we missed. If I find out there was dessert too, I’ll just have to laugh it off.

The funny thing is, they told us the dinner wasn’t served until 10:40. They couldn’t stay for it themselves since it was so late, and their babysitter was with Camila. So even if we had tried to hold out, your dad wouldn’t have waited that extra hour, maybe another half-hour at most. And with how cold it was, I don’t think I could’ve handled another hour anyway; by then, my legs were practically freezing.

In the end, we headed home, and you were still awake, which was a relief since I’d been worried about Pietra putting you to sleep. Even with your dad, you only sleep easily if it’s me, your grandma, or grandpa with you. So we ended up having something to eat at home, and honestly, it was refreshing just to get out for a bit. Your dad even mentioned that he enjoyed going out together, and I think that’s something we’ve really been missing. We’ve focused so much on being co-parents that we’ve lost touch with each other as a couple. Every time we do go out, which is rare, we actually enjoy each other’s company, have fun, and connect. But making time for ourselves as a couple has always been a struggle, not just after you were born. Even before, we often skipped outings because of tight finances. I really think that if we’d found a way to prioritize those moments, it would have eased some of the strain on our relationship.

Your dad liked Camila’s parents and suggested we invite them over for dinner sometime. It caught me off guard since he recently seemed so sure about wanting to separate. So why invite another couple over if he doesn’t plan on staying? Sometimes he seems like he doesn’t want to give up completely, after all he’s still at home. I also invited Camila’s family to your birthday party; it’ll be nice for you to have a friend you see every day at school to celebrate with you and join in the fun.

12/10 Chapter 319: Get me out of this loop

The days went by, and your father and I had a surprisingly good week together. We even watched some things together at night once you were asleep. But when the weekend came, and we went to your grandparents’ house, things quickly went off course.

I can’t even recall exactly what triggered the argument, but he suddenly stated he was completely certain about wanting a separation. So, in the heat of the moment, I told him to pack his things and leave as soon as we got back home. But I regretted saying that almost immediately, especially with your birthday coming up. I had put so much effort into making sure this would be a special day for you, and I wanted us both to be there to start the morning together and make you breakfast in bed. It’s your day, after all, and I can’t bear the thought of it being anything but special. This is the anniversary of when our world was blessed by your light, and it’s absolutely worth celebrating.

Afterward, when I asked him to stay just one more week, he accused me of messing with his feelings and said he didn’t even have enough money to leave. But how could he claim I was toying with him, knowing full well he was still in the house, making everything even more confusing? I mean, why would he be making plans with other couples—like when we met Camila’s parents at the school event? He even mentioned inviting them over for dinner sometime. How can he be thinking about hosting things together if he’s really decided to separate? This just makes it feel like he’s still unsure, like there’s a part of him that still wants us to be a family. And, honestly, that’s the part that really messes with someone’s emotions.

To really let it all out, I told him we should head down the ramp outside my parents' house. When we finally reached the bottom, I just erupted. I started shouting everything that had been choking me up inside. Tears poured down as I screamed, throwing my flip flop one way, the other flip flop another way, my glasses somewhere. I threw anything I could grab, needing to release all that rage and frustration somehow. And I’m not an aggressive person—I’d never hurt anyone. But on those rare occasions when my frustration peaks, I either throw things to the ground or even take it out on myself. But it’s rare… I think the only two people who’ve ever pushed me to that point are my sister and, now, your father.

When I broke down in tears, he came over and wrapped his arms around me. We stayed like that for a few minutes—me sobbing, and him just holding me. Everything had been building up, pressure mounting, until it all came spilling out. I told him it felt like he’d been toying with my emotions—still hesitating to move in, talking about inviting Camila’s parents over for dinner, while never quite taking that step. He admitted he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to leave his own place yet; he was just seeing how things were going. He said the weekend had been tough for us, even though the week had gone well.

After crying and finding some comfort in his arms, we went back upstairs to my parents' place for a bit before heading home. It was my scheduled night to go live online, and he’d offered to help, even though I felt mentally exhausted and far from in the mood. Still, I had to keep my commitments. You were going to stay at your parents' house tonight while your dad helped me with the live stream.

As strange as it sounds, after all the tears and venting, things felt a bit calmer between us. Let’s see what this week has in store.

14/10 Chapter 320: Come light me up

Now, enough about stories just about me and your dad—let's talk about you! Let’s dive into some fun things about you.

This week, you’re totally obsessed with Stitch. One day, I put on a Stitch video on YouTube. At first, you weren’t interested and kept turning away, but once you gave it a chance—just like you do with food, where once you actually try something, you often end up liking it—you fell in love with Stitch. Lucky for you, I’d already bought some Stitch things: pajamas, onesies, shirts, even little shoes. Now, you only want to wear Stitch!

You've recently started wanting to pick out your own clothes and shoes, which was already giving me a bit of a headache. But now it’s all Stitch, all the time! And what surprised me most is that Stitch became the very first Disney movie you watched all the way through. We’d tried with other cartoons before, but you usually weren’t interested in sitting through them; you preferred YouTube musicals like Cocomelon, Bebe Finn, etc. But with Stitch, you sat down and watched the whole thing. I loved every moment—watching it snuggled up with you, laughing together. You kept grabbing my ears, which made us both giggle. I’ve always loved Lilo & Stitch, but unlike you, I’m more of a Lilo fan! Fun fact: Lilo & Stitch is the only movie I prefer in Brazilian Portuguese because Lilo’s voice is absolutely adorable in that version. In English, it just doesn’t have the same charm. It almost feels like she’s a different character entirely.

So right now, you’re all about Stitch and monkeys. When Marcela asked what she should get you for your birthday, I told her about your Stitch craze, and she said she’d get you a plush Stitch. I can’t wait to see your reaction!

And there’s another new favorite—believe it or not, it’s the color blue! But this one, I’m not sure is quite as healthy since you’ll insist on only sleeping with a blue pillowcase, a blue blanket, and wearing only blue clothes. And here’s the funny thing: the love for blue actually came before the love for Stitch, so maybe that’s why you’re drawn to him—because he’s blue (maybe?) Blue is also your dad and mine's favorite color, though mine is baby blue, the color of my 15th birthday dress and Cinderella’s dress, too. That’s my special blue.

You’re even reaching for random blue things, like a blue dough cutter from the kitchen, to take to bed with you.

You’ve become quite talkative lately, wanting to share everything, even though sometimes it’s hard for us to fully understand you. But you’re finding your voice and learning new words all the time. Soon, you’ll be stringing together more complete sentences. Watching you grow is such a joy—you’re the light of so many people’s lives, our daily happiness.

And I have to say, seeing you enjoy going to school again is such a relief, a joy that fills my heart. Watching you ask to go, getting pictures of you playing happily with your friends, just makes my heart swell with pride. I hope that when you move to a new school next year, you adapt just as quickly and love it just as much as this one.

To my daughter Melanie (September 2024)

 01/09 Chapter 305: This is our place

And the day to leave finally came—the day I’d been dreading.

We woke up super early, and by 6:30 AM, Christine was already at the door, ready to go. We took two cars: one that I had borrowed from them and Camila’s mother-in-law’s car.

When we got to Camila’s, we were pretty delayed because we were weighing the bags. My dad got really upset since only Camila’s husband was helping him load the luggage, even though my dad’s getting older. Meanwhile, your dad didn’t offer to help because he was too busy worrying about giving you medicine that wasn’t even the antibiotic. It could’ve waited, right? He could’ve given it to you at the airport. But anyway, I didn’t get involved and let my dad be annoyed with him.

After a lot of back-and-forth, we finally got on the road. Once again, Matt’s family saved the day, helping us out with three cars to carry us and all the luggage, which saved us quite a bit on Uber costs.

At the airport, the stress kicked in immediately. We stood in line forever because there were only two American Airlines agents, and one of them had been with a couple for over an hour. I get it—they had to solve their issue, but while that was happening, the line kept growing, and no one else was brought in to help. American Airlines is by far the worst airline I’ve ever flown with.

We asked one of the staff if we had any priority since we had a baby, and she said we would only get priority if we had a stroller. What’s the logic in that? We don’t bring a stroller on purpose, just to avoid the hassle of picking it up here and checking it in there—less stress. That doesn’t mean you're not a baby. The rule makes no sense. They might as well just say there’s no priority and be done with it. After all, the U.S. isn’t like Brazil, where there are priorities for everything, from pregnant women to the elderly and babies. Here, it’s usually just people with disabilities, and that’s fine—it’s the rule of the country. But saying you only get priority with a stroller? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

So, we had to wait in the regular line, and time kept ticking by until it was almost time to board.

When it was finally our turn, of course, we got the worst of the two agents. She was new and learning, and oh my, was she slow! My dad was already getting frustrated. It’s amazing—every time we travel together, something happens to set him off. But when it’s just me and your dad, nothing ever goes wrong. It’s like the universe is out to test my dad’s patience. He was already giving us that look like he knew we should’ve arrived at the airport way earlier.

My dad always arrives super early at the airport to avoid any hassles and to make sure we have plenty of time, just in case something goes wrong. But since San Diego is a small airport where we’ve never had any issues, we didn’t expect this to happen.

Time was ticking away, tick-tock, tick-tock, and the woman at the check-in counter was still struggling with our reservation. When it was finally my turn, another lady came over to help because of the delay, and then she told me you weren’t entitled to checked baggage. At that point, I lost my cool. I’m usually a calm person, but when someone pushes my buttons, I don’t even recognize myself—I go from friendly Natascha to a whole different person.

I immediately pushed back, saying that wasn’t true, and that I was told over the phone you were entitled to a checked bag. She insisted that since you weren’t paying for a seat and were flying on my lap, you didn’t get a bag. I told her you had paid 10% of the ticket fare and were definitely allowed a checked bag, and that American Airlines needed to get their employees on the same page because I wasn’t going to pay for something I’d been told was free.

At that point, an arabic agent—who seemed to be the problem-solver, came over to see what was going on because things were getting heated. She checked the computer, looked at the woman who’d been arguing with me, and confirmed that you were indeed entitled to a checked bag.

How is it possible that American Airlines employees can each give you completely different information? The first person I spoke to on the phone told me one thing, the second said the complete opposite, and the third finally agreed with the first. It's ridiculous! If that last attendant hadn’t stepped in to help, I would've had to pay $100—which, in our currency, is nearly R$600—to check a bag that you were already entitled to, and the other agent just didn’t know, for who knows what reason. I swear on everything holy that I will always avoid flying with American Airlines from now on. Not just because their staff can't give consistent information, but also because of the plane itself: the entertainment screens have no games, the legroom is terrible, and the food is the worst of all airlines. They didn’t even serve breakfast this time—just gave us some yogurt and granola. You pay a fortune for a ticket, and they give you yogurt for breakfast? Give me a break! Not to mention, the meals they do serve taste awful, with tough meat. What are they charging an extra $200 for when it comes to meals? They're shameless, only thinking about profit.

Anyway, we finally sorted out the whole baggage mess, and I thanked the last attendant a lot. But I should’ve said something like, 'You all should really communicate better so this doesn’t happen.' I should’ve called out the second attendant who was arguing with me and asked, 'So, do you have anything to say now? An apology, maybe?' But I decided not to push my luck—we were already running late. So we rushed off.

Just before heading to immigration, my dad said he wanted to have a smoke, and your dad and I almost had a heart attack! We told him there was no time. He looked at his watch and thought we had another hour, but my mom’s watch was slow. When he realized it was actually time to board, he completely forgot about his cigarette.

And so, when we finally made it to the gate, guess what? They were already boarding. If we’d taken even a little longer, we would’ve missed the flight. Can you imagine if your grandfather had gone through the same ordeal he did in Orlando on his second trip? I’m sure he would’ve sworn off traveling for good.

So we boarded our flight to Dallas, and you managed to catch a bit of sleep on the plane. Honestly, I thought you’d be out the whole time since you woke up super early today and aren’t really used to it.

Once we arrived in Dallas, the time flew by—mainly because the airport is HUGE and has a train that whisks you from one gate to another.

When we finally got to our destination, we headed straight to McDonald's (the Chick-fil-A was closed, apparently they shut down on Mondays). We were running around with you, taking turns watching you while the other one ate. Before we knew it, it was time to board, and since it's an international flight, they start boarding pretty early. Plus, we always got to board first with you, which is a huge bonus!

Oh, and before we boarded, you had a blast in the nursing room. It had air conditioning, comfy chairs, and animal-themed wallpaper. You kept bringing different people over to show them that cozy little spot and hang out with you. Sometimes it was me, sometimes your dad, your grandma, or your grandpa.

As soon as we finally boarded the plane, you fell into a deep sleep. I thought to myself, “Why not let her sleep? She’s so tired; maybe she’ll sleep through the whole nine hours.” But that turned out to be a big mistake for me and your dad. Your grandma even warned us to keep you entertained a bit longer, at least until dinner was served, but we didn’t listen—and boy, did we regret it! I can honestly say it was the toughest flight for me in terms of exhaustion because you woke up after just one or two hours and took nearly FOUR hours to doze off again.

All we wanted was to catch some sleep, but apparently, that was the last thing on your mind. So, we went from mommy’s lap to daddy’s lap, then grandma’s lap. There were squeals of joy on the plane and cartoon time while the rest of the passengers were trying to sleep. I was on the edge of exhaustion when, like a superhero, my mom took you in her arms and, after all that effort, finally got you to sleep, so that I could get at least a little bit of rest.

02/09 Chapter 306: You gotta go there to come back

When my mom finally got you to sleep, I managed to rest a bit. It’s so uncomfortable sleeping on a plane, though—no matter how long you sleep, it feels like you didn’t sleep at all. Your whole body ends up feeling awkward and sore, and the exhaustion just piles on.

Your dad had it easy, though. You never want to be with him, so he got to sleep peacefully.

Unlike our usual trips with you, this one hit me hard because you stayed awake for so many hours. Just as they were serving breakfast, right before landing, my mom handed you over to me because she wanted to grab some coffee. They’d put my coffee on the tray since you were on your grandma’s lap, but when she passed you to me, you accidentally knocked over the hot coffee all over me.

I can’t even explain what happened—it all felt like a blur. Suddenly, I just felt my skin burning, stinging, and I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I didn’t even remember there was coffee on the tray, so it took me a few seconds to realize what was happening. Honestly, I was in shock.

My entire left leg was burning, and my left foot was throbbing with pain. What kind of pain was that?

Once I realized it was the coffee burning me, I started crying and kind of yelling—yeah, on the plane! I didn’t care, I was in pain!

They handed you off to my dad, but you saw me upset and crying, so of course, you got upset too. You could see that I was hurting, and you got so, so worried.

Your dad was confused at first; he thought it had something to do with my tailbone since I’d been in pain lately. He didn’t understand what was going on either, so he came over to help me.

At first, I was really upset with your grandma because she passed you to me so quickly, and that’s when everything spilled. I know I shouldn’t have snapped at her, but the pain was so intense that I wasn’t thinking straight. It wasn’t her fault—it was just an accident. I could tell she felt guilty, though, because seeing her daughter in so much pain from something that wasn’t intentional was tough for her. She didn’t say anything, but I know she was upset by the whole situation.

I was in so much pain, honestly one of the worst I’ve ever felt. The coffee was literally scalding hot.

Several flight attendants quickly came over to check if I was okay, asking if I needed anything. They mentioned to your dad that the coffee had just been made, so it was extremely hot that day. They brought me some ice and kept checking on me.

One of the flight attendants even apologized, saying that they used to have first-aid kits for these types of accidents, but now they don’t even carry that anymore. She explained that I wasn’t the only one this had happened to, as turbulence has caused similar situations for other passengers. It’s frustrating how airlines just want our money but give us worse service every day. That’s what really gets me.

Before the accident, your dad had been acting extra nice to me, and I found it a bit strange. When it was time to leave the plane, he insisted on getting me a wheelchair because my foot hurt so much. My parents couldn’t believe it, because honestly, I didn’t really need it—I was limping more from the burn than because it hurt to walk. But I thought it was sweet that he was so concerned and wanted to make sure I had everything I needed, even if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. And I’ll tell you what: being wheeled around the airport wasn’t bad at all! I left the plane in the wheelchair and was taken straight to the exit. Plus, going through immigration was a breeze—they’re less likely to stop you when you’re in a wheelchair, which was great. Not that I was worried about being stopped, since we weren’t carrying anything questionable. It was the first time I honestly didn’t care if we got stopped or not. I just wanted to get home and sleep—I was exhausted. We even paid Pietra to watch you at home, just in case you didn’t sleep, so that your dad and I could get some rest. San Diego is such a long, tiring trip, even though we cut some travel time by going through Dallas instead of directly through Los Angeles.

Your grandpa’s half-brother came to pick us up. At first, he barely looked at us, but later my mom gave me a little talking-to, saying we should have greeted him and thanked him for coming to get us. She also mentioned that maybe he was shy or thought I didn’t like him. You know the story—his mom married my grandpa after he left my grandma while they were still married, so maybe he thought I had something against him. But that’s not true. When we got out of the car, I thanked him and started a conversation, and he totally opened up. He was much friendlier after that. Maybe he really did feel uncomfortable around me, thinking I had an issue with him, which I don’t. I don’t even hold anything against his mom. My frustration is more with my grandpa for what he did, but even that’s not really my business.

I know we didn’t really get much use out of Pietra today, since your dad, you, and I ended up sleeping the whole afternoon together. So, you barely spent any time with her. But hey, it’s better to have her and not need her than to need her and not have her!

I just know that stepping back into this country, one I can’t stand, hit me hard. Leaving paradise to return to what feels like hell is not easy. But I guess I have to be here to finally come back, right?

 02/09 Chapter 306: If tomorrow never comes

I’ve been running around trying to organize the three bags of merchandise I brought back—over 60 kilos! I need to sort everything into packages and ship them to customers, so I’ve been constantly going back and forth between the apartment and my parents' house.

As for your dad, he’s rushing to get more tattoo clients before he leaves for Barcelona. He’s flying out on the 10th and won’t be back until October 1st, so we’ll be without him for a little while. He really wanted to practice more before he leaves, and honestly, I’m one of the most invested in this too. I’m always trying to find contacts for him because the more he practices, the closer we get to finally opening our dream business in the U.S.—and one step closer to leaving here.

You’re finally going back to school soon, but your dad asked that you stay home this week so he can spend a little more time with you before he goes. But knowing him, I figured he wouldn’t be with you every moment, even though he wanted to spend time with you. So, I arranged for Pietra to come and spend the last bit of the week with you before our routine returns to normal and you head back to school.

Right after we got back from the trip, yesterday, I ended up going to the hospital that same night, just after we woke up. I had been feeling a lot of pain in my tailbone, even before we went to San Diego. I thought it was something temporary that would go away, but it didn’t. So, I went to the hospital, and thank God I was sent to the orthopedic department because the general clinic was packed!

Once there, I explained to the doctor what was going on, and she ordered an X-ray. I had a feeling something would be off because the pain was intense, so I knew something wasn’t right. When the X-ray results came back, she told me there was indeed a problem—it looked like there was a fracture. But she couldn’t figure out why, since I hadn’t had any injuries or falls. So, she sent me for a CT scan to investigate further.

I got a little scared because it’s always worrying when something shows up and the doctor can’t explain what it is. I went for the CT scan, which took forever, and the whole time I was nervous about what the results might show.

The doctor told me to go back to her as soon as the CT was done so she could check the images without waiting for the full report. When I couldn’t find her in the room where she’d examined me, I searched for her, found her, and showed her the results. She said she’d consulted with a colleague in orthopedics, and he mentioned that he’d seen a case like this before. It appeared to be a fracture, but without any injury, he thought it could be an infection—something similar had happened in a case he knew. She suggested I see a proctologist as soon as possible.

At first, I was already nervous about the results, especially since no one could understand what was going on. It’s rare to have a fracture without a fall, and rare things always seem to happen to me... But I also felt the doctor was quite young and maybe not very experienced, so I didn’t want to panic over a diagnosis from someone who might not be fully sure of what she was saying.

Secondly, I found it really strange that she referred me to a proctologist. As far as I know, a proctologist deals with the anal area, hemorrhoids, and such. And while the tailbone is close to that area, it’s still a bone issue—something an orthopedic specialist should handle, right? But I’ll follow her advice. I’m going to schedule an appointment with the proctologist we know, the one who did my sister’s hemorrhoid surgery. I’ll take all the test results and explain what’s been happening. But I can’t help but feel anxious about all this. When doctors don’t fully understand something, it’s always a bit worrying, especially when it’s something rare.

As a mother, the first thought that crosses your mind is always your child—in my case, you. I think: if something serious is wrong with me, will my daughter suffer from missing me? And if so, for how long? Will her dad take her overseas, and will my parents lose not just their daughter, but also their granddaughter, barely seeing her? What will her life be like in Europe with that strict aunt and a life full of rules? You can’t help but think about your child’s future if you're not there. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What if something happens to me? What if there’s no tomorrow?

Now, I need to schedule the appointment and hope everything turns out fine. First, it was the scare with the dizziness I was having, which luckily turned out okay thanks to the right doctor at the right time. Now, could this tailbone issue be something serious? It almost feels like the universe is playing a cruel joke.

 03-04/09 Chapter 308: Hello darkness, my old friend

I can't pinpoint exactly what triggered it, or who it hit hardest, but for the past two days, I just haven’t been able to get out of bed.

I think my depression is back—and this time, it's hit me hard. What I can’t understand is why. I’ve been taking my antidepressants as prescribed, and the dosage is already pretty high. I’m left feeling confused. It’s that kind of depression that makes waking up impossible, the kind that I haven’t felt since 2009. So yeah, I’m really worried. Could it be because I returned from San Diego? The arguments with your father aren't helping either. Even he noticed and apologized, but this isn’t his fault. I’ve got this damn condition called depression, and every now and then, it wraps itself around me in a way I never see coming.

The first day we got back, I actually felt okay. But now, I feel like I’m just going through the motions, like a zombie.

Heavy heart, inability to move, sheer exhaustion, endless fatigue, loss of appetite, no motivation at all, and so much more.

Welcome back, depression.

 05/09 Chapter 308: Hello darkness, my old friend

Yesterday, my mom and grandma came over, and they immediately noticed how worn out I looked. As we talked, we tried to figure out if anything had changed recently—besides, of course, the fact that I went from a place I love to one I can’t stand. But other than that, the only new thing was that I’ve been taking a medication called Trama, which is apparently a strong morphine-based drug for my tailbone pain. And I have to say, since I started taking it, I haven’t felt any pain in my coccyx.

My mom and grandma think that maybe the medication was contributing to how incapacitated I’ve been feeling. So, I decided to stop taking it yesterday—and believe it or not, today, I’m feeling much better.

Maybe it’s not depression after all. Maybe it really was the morphine-based medication that was dragging me down, making me unable to function. If that’s the case, it’s a much easier fix because the medicine is already out of the picture, way simpler than adjusting antidepressants or tweaking doses or switching meds altogether.

I’m not at 100%, but I can honestly say I feel about 70% better. So, it could be that there’s still a bit of the drug in my system, and once it clears out, I’ll be back to normal. Fingers crossed.

 06/09 Chapter 310: Give me a reason to believe

Even though your dad and I have been having some really great days together—watching The Bachelorette again and having fun laughing at the show while baking cookies—we did have a serious conversation, your dad and I also had a tough conversation and decided it’s best if we separate. It’s especially important for me because I’ve always been stuck waiting for him to figure out what he wants, always waiting for his decision. This time, I didn’t want to wait anymore. I didn’t want to be anxious, hoping for something that might never happen. It’s better to end things now and maybe be surprised by something good than to keep waiting for an answer that might not come—and end up disappointed. Like I’ve told you before, it’s better to expect nothing from people and be pleasantly surprised than to expect something and be let down.

So, it was a difficult talk, but we both understood that we’re not making each other happy anymore. I’m not sure how we’ll work out things like the house, rent, or how this will all work now that we have a child, but we’ll figure it out. After all, we have a responsibility to someone else now, someone who depends on us. It feels like we’ve reached the end of the road, and I’m not sure what my life will look like from here on, but I’ll have to face whatever comes next.

 08/09 Chapter 311: Through the ups and downs

Today we went to Cauã's 7th birthday party. He's the son of Junior (Grandma Simone’s brother) and Debora.

The party was held in the event room of their apartment building. As soon as we arrived, your dad couldn’t help but point out how simple the party was compared to the monthly celebrations I used to throw for you.

He said that because Junior and Debora are known, in the family and among friends, for being incredibly frugal. Junior is a wonderful person—funny, kind, always smiling, and full of love. But his one major flaw is that he’s super tight-fisted, and since he married Debora, it’s only gotten worse.

What’s ironic is that he makes a very good living. I understand that it’s tough to support a family of four, especially when your wife doesn’t work, but one of the biggest expenses for middle-class families is private school tuition. And Junior doesn’t have that worry since both his kids attend the school where he works for free.

Cauã loves to run around and play—he would have had the time of his life at a kids’ party space, but they see it as a waste of money. Just like they think it’s pointless to spend on a 15th birthday party next year for their daughter, Marina. Maybe it’s ‘pointless’ to them, but not to their kids.

In my opinion, their biggest flaw isn’t the frugality. It’s that they always think whatever they have is better than what others have, and they never seem to appreciate the gifts they receive.

For instance, in 2023, my mom brought clothes for Cauã and Marina from our trip to Orlando. Instead of just saying 'thank you,' Debora made an unnecessary remark, saying my mom didn’t need to bother since the clothes there are ‘just like the ones from Brás here.’ That’s just not something you say—just like many things your "aunt" Edith says shouldn’t be said either.

Recently, my mom brought back a hazelnut-flavored coffee from the U.S. for her father, a flavor she fell in love with during our trip to San Diego. Junior tried it at his dad’s house, and when my mom asked him how he liked it, he brushed it off. It’s the same every time we bring something; it’s never good enough. It’s exhausting. But the solution is simple: we’ll just stop bringing things! 😄

But, back to the party—I don’t think there’s anything wrong with throwing a simple party for your kids, as long as it has the essentials to make sure they have fun. When we were children, my parents probably threw parties at kids’ space only once or twice; the rest were always in the event rooms of apartment buildings too. But there were always our friends, fun things like a ball pit, trampoline, sweets, cake, and all that. The issue is with other things. Let me give you an example.

At the party, Debora mentioned that one of the couples there, her friends, owned the Alfenis snack shop. Alfenis is a party snack shop here in São Paulo, and it’s where I got all the snacks for your monthly parties. I said, ‘Wow, that’s great!’ But as I was eating and enjoying the snacks (because I love all kinds of party snacks—coxinha, risoles, esfihas, pastéis…), I realized they weren’t from Alfenis. I knew their snacks well after 11 of your parties. So I asked her:

‘Debora, your friends own one of the best snack shops, and you got them from somewhere else?’

She replied as if it was the most normal thing in the world:
‘Oh, their snacks were more expensive—it came to about a 25-real difference.’

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say, so I gave an awkward little laugh. It was shocking. First, 25 reais for them is nothing—it shouldn’t be a reason to avoid buying from a friend’s business. It's to be there throught the ups and downs. That’s what being a friend means. Being a friend isn’t just about showing up at parties or celebrations during happy moments. It’s also about being there during tough times, supporting them, and that includes supporting a friend’s business if they have one. That means being a customer, recommending them, spreading the word. To choose a rival business over a friend’s for the sake of a few bucks is simply outrageous.

For instance, when I wrote my first book in high school, I was really upset with the few people who didn’t buy it. It was something deeply important to me, and I felt accomplished to have written a book at just 16. My own sister never read it, but I wasn’t even mad at her because she’s never read a book in her life. Most of the family bought and read it, though. Your great-grandma Celeste had never read a book before, but she read mine, and it sparked her love for reading. Now she’s always got a book in hand, and that alone made writing it all worth it.

Nowadays, I have a sales group, and I have friends who have never joined it. I think they could at least follow the Instagram page. But I’ve never demanded it, because that’s something that should come from a sense of loyalty—you support your friends’ businesses, you know? Even if it’s not your thing. Being a good friend isn’t always easy. Friendships can be as challenging as romantic relationships. You have to nurture and care for them, or they’ll fade away.

Your dad, for example, started tattooing. I knew I had to get a tattoo from him, even though I didn’t really want any more. So, I thought of something I’d genuinely like to have on my body and supported him—not just by getting a tattoo myself, but by encouraging friends to do the same, recommending him, and always helping him get clients. Maybe that’s why I feel a bit hurt when he accepts money to help me with my live streams... he should support me too.

Anyway, his friend Matheus, one of the few he has here in Brazil, loves tattoos. If in the future Matheus decides to get another one, he should consider your dad. Going to someone else without even considering him would be doing the same thing Debora did.

In the end, I didn’t mind that the party was simple. You and Rafinha had a blast in the playground and playroom, and we had a lovely evening. Even your dad seemed more relaxed and really enjoyed the night. And that’s what matters—our family, and doing our best to grow and improve every day. Learning, evolving, and fixing the mistakes we make. Because we’re human, we mess up too. But it’s important to look in the mirror and admit when we’re wrong, even though that’s hard for most of us.

09/09 Chapter 312: Cry your heart out

Guess what? Today was your first day back at school. I honestly thought you wouldn’t be sad at all since Rafinha is there with you. You’re always so comfortable with him, and you love being around other kids, so I figured it would be super smooth. But to my surprise, you had a tough time. You cried a lot, and I had to stay with you for a bit to help you adjust. You needed to see me there, and even then, it was hard for you to let go. It’s funny how kids change and go through different phases. I always thought you would be more outgoing than Rafinha, but now it’s the opposite. When you're around people you don’t see all the time—even people like Aunt Rosane and Giovanna, whom you see more often—you get a little shy at first.

If we go to a party or somewhere with unfamiliar faces, you stay shy the whole time, never really warming up. You hide behind my legs, and it's not something we’ve taught you. It’s just part of your personality. When it comes to other kids, you’re usually more outgoing and take the lead in making friends. But since you hadn’t been in that environment for a while, with teachers and other adults around, I think you felt a bit intimidated. That’s just how you are right now. Since turning one, you've become a lot more reserved around people you don’t see often.

The only people you feel completely comfortable with—besides me and your dad—are your maternal grandparents, your godmother Tayna, Uncle Rafael, Rafinha (whom you call “Neném”), and Great Grandma Sônia. You get along with Great Grandpa Wilson most of the time, but you’re still shy around Great Grandma Celeste.

But I'm sure you'll soon get used to school again, especially with your cousin keeping you company, and very soon you'll love going to school just like you used to.

10/09 Chapter 313: Baby girl, it's just you and me

Today was the day your dad had to leave. I had a doctor's appointment with a proctologist that I couldn't miss. It had been hard enough to schedule, and since it was urgent, I couldn't cancel. The appointment was in the morning, so I couldn't take him to the airport without risking delays. We both decided that taking an Uber was the best option anyway. Even if I didn't have the appointment, I would've had to take you along, and that back-and-forth trip would have been exhausting for you. So, sometimes, it's just worth paying for an Uber.

I woke up early and headed to the proctologist. I explained everything to him, and, as I had suspected, he confirmed that this issue was actually more suited for an orthopedic specialist. The proctologist mentioned that he couldn't properly interpret my X-ray since it's not his area, but he did think that if there was a fracture, it might have happened some time ago. He suggested that maybe the plane trip, heavy lifting, or strain brought on the pain. He recommended a magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scan to rule out anything more serious but assured me it probably wasn’t anything to worry about. And then came the uncomfortable part—getting examined. Imagine a handsome doctor evaluating...well, that part of me. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least. I really don't like invasive exams with male doctors. I understand they're professionals, but I still don't feel at ease. I'm sure many women feel the same. Still, there are things in life we just have to do, even when we don't want to. Thankfully, the appointment was quick, so I made it in time to say goodbye to your dad. He was really sad to leave you behind. While he loves spending time with family and friends and going back home, it’s now much harder to be away from you. And this is where I feel the difference between mothers and fathers. I could never, ever be away from you for so long—not while you're still so little. Even a single day feels strange. Sometimes I wish you'd sleep, but then when you do, I kind of want you to wake up because I miss you already, hahaha. The first time I spent a long period away from my parents was when I went to Canada in 2015. I was already 22 by then, and they missed me terribly. When I went to San Diego in 2018, I was 25, and I only planned to stay for three months. But when I extended my trip, my parents quickly booked tickets to meet me in Orlando because they couldn’t stand being apart for any longer. I still miss my mom a lot when I’m away. I don't know if you'll be like that in the future, but I’ve always been close to her. I remember when I was little and had to sleep at Grandma Sonia’s. Even though I was used to it, I still missed my mom. Small children are usually so attached to their mothers that separation is tough. I could never imagine being away from you for three whole weeks, my princess. And most parents feel the same. Even though both fathers and mothers love their children deeply, men tend to find it a bit easier to handle the distance. After we said goodbye to your dad, I dropped you off at school. You cried again, and I stayed nearby just in case. But once I left, I didn’t receive any calls or messages from the school, so I picked you up at the usual time, 6:30 p.m. And when I did, I saw something heartwarming—you and your cousin walking hand-in-hand with your teacher. We came home, and I realized it’s just the two of us now, babe. It’s going to be a challenge, managing everything alone, especially with your meals and without your dad’s help. But I know we’ll be okay. We’ve got this <3

11-14/09 Chapter 313: Feels like a failure

This week has been really calm, and I’m so happy that you've finally stopped crying when going to school. It feels like we’re settling into a nice routine.

You usually wake up around 11 a.m., have breakfast, and sometimes lunch. On the days you skip lunch, I can only hope you’ll eat your afternoon snack at school. I pick you up at 6:30 p.m., and we’re home by 7 p.m. We usually play in the playground or with your toys for a bit, and then around 8 p.m., it’s bath time. You love staying in the water for about half an hour, and I let you enjoy it. I brush your hair afterward, and I’ve recently started drying it to prevent it from getting too tangled. At first, you were scared of the hairdryer, but now you’re getting more used to it.

By 8:30 or 9 p.m., it’s time for dinner. Afterward, around 9:30 or 10 p.m., you’re off to bed. Most nights, I let you watch a little bit of a cartoon while you eat or just before going to sleep.

Even though you go to bed at 9:30 or 10 p.m., you still sleep until 11 a.m. the next day—more than 12 hours of sleep! But it makes sense since you don’t nap during the day because of school, so you catch up at night. Honestly, I could easily sleep for 12 hours too if I had the chance. No doubt, you’re definitely my daughter. We both love our sleep!

Right now, the two things that are giving me the most trouble are your pacifier and your eating habits. Even though you don’t use the pacifier at school anymore, at home, you’ve stopped following the rule that it’s only for bedtime. You used to hand me the pacifier as soon as you woke up, knowing it was just for sleep, but lately, it seems like you’ve forgotten that rule.

The second issue, which worries me more, is your eating. You’re eating less and less, just like I did when I was a kid. Every time we put food in front of you, you make a face, like it’s disgusting. Very few things catch your interest when it comes to food, and getting you to open your mouth to eat is a real struggle. We constantly have to resort to bribery or bargaining just to get you to eat something. It’s exhausting.

I’ve tried different approaches. First, I try putting on a cartoon for you, but believe it or not, that doesn’t always work. Then, I offer you something I know you like. And finally, when all else fails, I tell you I’m going to give your toys to Rafinha. That usually does the trick!

There was this one day recently when I had to grab those monkeys you love so much—those dirty ones I bought in Brás. I bought a bunch because they were the first toys you ever got attached to. And when I say attached, I mean it! You wake up with them, sleep with them, take them to school, and cry for them in the middle of the night. When you only had one, it ripped, and I went back to get another, but they were all gone. It was a disaster. Eventually, I found them again and bought several backups, but now you carry around three monkeys—or as many as you can hold.

That day, I had to open the door and pretend to toss your beloved monkeys outside. You cried so hard, to the point of sobbing. But I didn’t give in, not until you finally tried a bite of the watermelon you used to love, but now refuse to eat because of its color.

That’s the thing—most of the time, you end up liking what you try. The challenge is just getting you to taste it. And sometimes, I have to do these awful things, like pretending to throw away your monkey, just to make you give in, take a bite, and realize you actually enjoy it.

It took about an hour. You cried on one side, I cried on the other. But in the end, you tasted the watermelon. After nearly throwing up from all the crying, I gave your monkey back. I felt like a failure—the worst mother in the world. There’s a unique kind of defeat when your child refuses to eat. It’s indescribable. Few mothers know what it’s like to see their child refuse food day after day, to never open their mouth willingly, and to always have to rely on tricks, threats, or bargains. It’s awful! Moms who don’t go through this have no idea what it feels like. I don’t know why, but it hurts so much to see your child not eat. Maybe it’s because, as moms, we feel responsible for feeding them—because for months, we were their only source of nourishment. For so long, their survival came from us, our bodies, and when that stops, and they don’t eat properly, it feels like a blow to the core.

Maybe it’s karma. I put my parents through the same thing, and even now, I don’t eat well. Karma only seems to hit good people, doesn’t it?

16/09 Chapter 314: I remember it all too well

This week has been going better than I could have imagined. Every day feels smoother now that you’ve gone back to school. Life is finally getting back on track, and you’re settling into a routine, something that was missing not only for you but for all of us. It makes such a difference. Even though it’s just the two of us, having you back in school gives me time to get things done, and I’ve even picked up reading again. I’m already on my third book.

A bit about me: I’ve always been passionate about reading and writing. I started writing early—when I was just five years old. I was also the class speaker in preschool, the one who reads the speech the teachers write. Later, I did the same thing in eighth grade. There were about three of us chosen to speak at the graduation ceremony.

Reading has always been a big part of my life. My mom used to say I devoured Turma da Mônica comics, which are super popular with kids in Brazil. At least, they were in my day. Even now, I still pick them up from time to time—they’re such a fun, light read. My aunt Andréia, who’s over 50, is still a huge fan.

From comics, I moved on to books—big books, with long stories for my age. One that really stuck with me in my teenage years was called Aborrescente não, sou adolescente ("I’m Not an Annoying Teen, I’m a Teenager").

I don’t even remember the plot anymore, but I loved it. From there, I dove into many other books. I even read Harry Potter, though I never really liked it. I much preferred Twilight. When I started reading New Moon in 2009, I was going through a tough time. I’d just broken up with Marcelo, and that book spoke to exactly how I was feeling. It’s the one where Bella and Edward break up, and Bella sinks into a deep depression.

I used to highlight my favorite quotes, fold the pages, and save the lines to type up later. I even had a document full of quotes from books, movies, and shows that I’d share with my ex, Caique. We’d discuss each one in detail. But when I sold my computer, I was so careless—I forgot to back it all up. I lost everything. I still have a few saved quotes, but many are gone for good. It’s frustrating because, when I finished a book, I’d usually sell or donate it, so I have no way to go back and collect those quotes again. I remember it all too well, but there’s nothing I can do now.

Reading has always been a comfort for me, and it’s something I miss dearly. Reading online just doesn’t feel the same. There’s nothing quite like holding a book in your hands, turning its pages, or sitting on the beach at sunset, reading with the sound of the waves in the background.

And as for writing—that’s even more personal. I’ve kept a diary since I was little, writing down everything, pouring my emotions onto the pages. That’s why I’ve been on Twitter since 2009; I started using it as an online diary, a place to get my thoughts out. Even though I knew other people could read it, I didn’t care. I just needed an outlet.

I still have diaries from when I was six, eight, ten years old. There’s nothing better than opening them up, seeing my childhood handwriting, and reading the little stories I wouldn’t remember otherwise. One of my favorites is about sneaking coins from my piggy bank to buy an ice cream cone when I had a fever. I wrote, “Don’t tell Mom, dear diary, it’s a sacred secret.” Can you imagine? Buying ice cream being a “sacred secret.” Kids can be so funny, and it’s a joy to relive those moments. There are many other childhood stories in those pages that make me laugh and fill me with nostalgia.

Not many people keep diaries these days. I don’t know if you’ll be one of those rare people who feel the need to write everything down, but I can promise you this—these diaries become treasures. I’m keeping one now about us, about our life together, but I can’t write down your thoughts, your feelings, or your stories from school. Only you can do that. Maybe one day, you’ll have two diaries: one from my perspective and one from yours. 

20/09 Chapter 315: Miss indepedent

It was finally the day of Joaquim's party, and as expected, no one else but us was invited. It made me feel a bit uneasy and sad because I didn’t want to feel isolated or out of place, especially since I don't know most of the other guests.

I have some connection with Décio’s family, but they’d be busy attending to everyone else, leaving me sitting alone at a table with just you. So, even though I knew it might not be the best idea, late last night I sent Lucas a message asking if he’d mind if I brought Pietra along to keep me company. I explained in a voice message that I knew it was a bit of an awkward request, but I didn’t feel comfortable making the long trip back from Tatuapé alone with a baby at that hour.

I acknowledged that it was putting him in an uncomfortable position but thought it wouldn’t hurt to ask, considering your dad couldn’t come because of his trip. Pietra could fill in for him, though I knew it was still a bit of a stretch.

I’d been going back and forth about whether or not to ask but, in the end, I went for it. I made it clear he shouldn’t hesitate to say no if he felt uncomfortable, and that it wouldn’t bother me or change the fact that I’d still go to the party. He responded as politely and warmly as always, saying it wouldn’t be a problem. He explained that this time he only invited people with kids because of budget constraints.

I’ll admit I didn’t fully understand, considering Lucas earns a lot—way more than I do. While I struggle to provide for you what he could easily give, people do say Lucas is quite the penny-pincher. But that’s not really my concern. I was just grateful he let me bring Pietra along. His kindness and quick, thoughtful response made me want to bring a little thank-you gift to the party. Since I regularly get packages from the U.S., I always have a few extra items lying around. This time, I had a small adidas perfume that Luciana had been selling for about R$50, so I bought it and brought it to him at the party. He was really appreciative. To give you an idea, Pietra and I were the first ones to arrive at the party. It was supposed to start at 7:30 p.m., and we got there around 7:32. It was just us and Décio's family.

Once again, I apologized to them for having to ask if I could bring Pietra. The issue wasn’t about any extra cost, since she was essentially taking your dad's place. The concern was the discomfort it might cause if any of the few family members who were invited saw her and assumed she was on the guest list when she wasn’t. I had brought her myself. It could lead to an awkward situation where people thought Pietra, who don''t have a child, was invited, while some of the cousins weren’t. And, of course, no one would actually go up to Lucas and ask, "Did you invite Pietra?" People will just think whatever they want to think. Now, about the party itself—let me tell you, it was a big disappointment yet again. Honestly, I have no idea what they see in this venue, especially since it’s the 2nd year in a row they’ve hosted Joaquim’s party there. On their Instagram page, they claim to be the best buffet in São Paulo, which I seriously doubt. First of all, the food is nothing special. It’s not as though it's a kids' buffet with unique, delicious offerings. No, as soon as we arrived, they immediately started serving appetizers. For about 40 minutes, they kept bringing out tray after tray of snacks, but they were just the basic ones that you’d find at any of your month anniversaries. The only thing remotely different was the cod fritters. You, of course, ate a lot of fried snacks, since that’s the kind of junk you love.

A little before the first hour was up, they left a bowl of snacks on the table for us to eat—just those specific ones, no variety. For example, there were two kibbehs, I ate one and Pietra ate the other. If we wanted more, there wasn’t any being served. You had to eat whatever was in the bowl, and they didn’t switch out the bowls like many buffets do. Honestly, I’m not a fan of buffets that just leave food on the table; I prefer the ones where the food is constantly being served, so you avoid situations like this.

As I suspected, after a while, they stopped bringing out any more snacks and weren’t going to serve more. I was right, because shortly after, they started serving dinner in small Tupperware containers. I think it was stroganoff with rice. At these parties, it’s always the same—chicken fricassee, stroganoff, or pasta. Honestly, that’s food I eat at home; I have zero interest in eating it at a party. When I go to parties, I want to indulge in junk food and try different things. So, I passed on the dinner, and after they started serving it, the snacks completely disappeared.

Later, they finally brought out the one thing I had been waiting for all night—tapioca dumplings. It’s a delicious appetizer, especially with chili jam. I love them, and they’re usually pretty expensive in restaurants. But they only served them once. I was so annoyed. My cousin was standing next to me and said, 'Natascha, why didn’t you take two? You’ve been waiting for them all night!' I told her that they’d bring more around soon, but I was wrong—they didn’t. I hate these kinds of buffets. You pay a fortune, especially if it’s considered a top-tier buffet in São Paulo, and they ration everything? Give me a break!

They did bring out a delicious tapioca and coconut dessert, but it was the same story—just one round. So, if you happened to be in the bathroom, busy with your child, or chatting with someone, you missed out. They didn’t serve it again.

Last year, I’ll never forget it. We arrived late and I missed the crepe skewers. This time, I made sure to be there the whole time. I even saw the crepe machine running from upstairs, but not once did I see them actually serve the crepes. They must’ve only brought them out once, and I missed it while I was upstairs playing with my daughter. It’s absurd.

Another thing—they rationed the sweets too. Most of the desserts weren’t even special, just the usual stuff, and they only brought them out once. Then, after nearly everyone had left (not us, because I refused to leave without getting more sweets), they started bringing them out again. Greedy, selfish jerks.

And now, another major issue is that this buffet hardly has any attractions. Even though it’s considered a children’s buffet, they only have a small ball pit that’s not really big enough for most kids, and the play structure, which small children can’t go on, and neither can adults. There’s also a trampoline, but kids your age don’t really use it. They have a zip line connected to the main play area, but again, little kids don’t go up there. Upstairs, there are a few more play areas and a small ball pit for toddlers, but when I went up, several of the toys were broken, missing parts, or just dirty... What kind of place is this? There’s also a soccer field that some adults play on, but for the adults, that’s it. Just a soccer field.

So, if your child is turning three, why not rent a buffet that actually has age-appropriate toys? For your party next month, I researched several buffets until I found one with toys suitable for you. There’s going to be a ride where adults can join, a play area with a slide where I can go with you, a carousel, a ball pit, and even video games where you love steering the wheel. Basically, this buffet is 100% designed for older kids, and even then, the options are pretty limited. Every time I go to this place, it’s a disappointment.

At the party, I noticed that only a few people from our family were invited, but I was glad we went and that I got to see you have fun. You ate a lot, enjoyed yourself, and had more sweets than you should’ve—especially since your dad wasn’t there to keep an eye on things.

Now, let’s take a break from stories and talk about your milestones. One big one is that you’re becoming more independent—you’re starting to want to pick out your own clothes. Sometimes I try to dress you in something, and you refuse, getting upset and insisting on wearing something else. For example, when it’s hot, I try to put summer clothes on you, but you’ll refuse just because of the pattern and insist on wearing something warmer, even though it’s summer. So, we’re having a few little struggles like that. It’s the same with shoes.

At the party today, you insisted on wearing your ‘bolo fofo’ dress, and you looked absolutely adorable in it. I got that dress for such a bargain at Brás, it was a real find. You were so happy, feeling beautiful and proud in your lovely blue ‘bolo fofo’ dress.

Now, you’re already showing a strong personality and starting to assert your independence early on, my little self-sufficient one. Even though I scheduled your C-section early so you’d be born a Libra and not a Scorpio, I think you were meant to be a Scorpio anyway. Changing that didn’t seem to affect the fiery personality you were always destined to have.

25/09 Chapter 316: Where did I go wrong?

Your father will be back soon, and I just want to say how proud I am of the three weeks I’ve spent with you on my own. I know I’m capable of doing this well, and if I ever have to take care of you without him, I’m confident I could manage. In fact, I’ve always known this deep down, but now I’m absolutely certain. The biggest challenge, though, has been your eating.

I remember when we first introduced solid foods to you, you loved those Gerber purees and ate every flavor. But it was a struggle to transition from those to homemade meals, and even then, you’ve always had a hard time with food.

Later, when we started giving you small pieces of food, you entered that phase where you only wanted things you could pick up with your hands. That meant mashed potatoes, creamed corn, and soups were a battle—and honestly, they still are. I’ve noticed that after each hospital stay, you’d come home eating fewer things and in smaller amounts. It seems that being in the hospital didn’t just affect how much you wanted to see your dad; it also left you with some kind of food trauma. And every time you got a cold after being discharged, your eating would get even worse. Now we’ve reached a point where, whenever we offer you food, you seem disgusted, turn your face away, and it feels like every meal—whether it’s breakfast, lunch, or dinner—is a dreaded moment for you. You don’t see it as something enjoyable, but rather as a chore, something you’re forced to do. It’s exactly how I was as a child. In fact, my mom is still debating whether you’re worse than I was, or just the same.

The other day, I had to resort to a bit of bribery. I grabbed your favorite stuffed monkey and told you I’d give it to Rafinha if you didn’t eat. You cried and cried, nearly making yoursel puke from all the crying. But I didn’t give in until you finally agreed to try at least one bite of watermelon. When you did, I felt terrible—like the worst mom in the world.

We moms are only human. We’re just trying our best to do what’s right for our kids. But how do we know when we’re crossing a line, doing more harm than good? If I didn’t use these tactics—whether it’s your monkey, your pacifier, or even TV shows—what would I do when you flat-out refuse to eat? There’s no magic formula, and honestly, I don’t know what to do about it. All I can hope for is that you turn out different from me and that your relationship with food gets better over time. I know your dad will blame me if you don’t, but I also know, deep down, this time it isn’t my fault.

To my daughter Melanie (August 2024)

   01-05/08 Chapter 287: I've been this road before

A quick collection of things:

- Despite the international scandal and the biggest fraud in Venezuela’s history, Nicolás Maduro still managed to stay in power. Even though most countries do not recognize him as president and have imposed sanctions on the country, he remains in power because he has the support of strong countries like China, Russia, and Iran. And no one attacks Venezuela to avoid a bloody global war against these three great powers; in other words, Venezuela is doomed, and justice will not be served.

- Marquinhos' mother received the fine, and apparently our neighbor wasn’t intimidated by the email (or maybe he was, but didn’t show it). Your grandfather told her not to pay until they go to court so that he can take action, and he will take action because here are some of the mistakes made by the building manager:

1. He slipped the fine under the door without notifying or asking for a signature.
2. The fine states that there were several prior signed warnings, which there weren’t.
3. My father asked for the video of the day he yelled at Marquinhos, but pretending to misunderstand, the manager sent the requested day and time of the elevator video, showing Marquinhos pressing the buttons. My father reiterated that he didn’t ask for the elevator video but for the lobby, and after several days without a response, he was told that those recordings were no longer available. So, they had the recording of the same day IN THE ELEVATOR, but not in the lobby? Ridiculous and a horrible excuse.

- You’re going through a rough period. You want everything your way, and when you don’t get it, you throw tantrums, cry a lot, and throw yourself on the floor. You’re crying about everything, but what’s really worrying me is the pacifier issue.

After you turned 9 months old, I always taught you that the pacifier would only be given to you at bedtime, and you always respected this little rule, even being so small. As you grew older, as soon as you woke up, you would take out the pacifier and immediately hand it to me, which filled me with pride. But recently, you’ve been asking for the pacifier all the time and crying a lot when we say no. You think about the pacifier literally all day, and I’m very sad about this. Even though I taught you, it didn’t work to ease this attachment. And your cousin Rafinha, who used to keep the pacifier in his mouth all the time and didn’t have this rule, is now not so attached to it anymore. Or at least not like you, who points to your mouth with your little hand, signaling that you want the pacifier.

I, like you, used a pacifier when I was little (my sister didn’t, maybe because my parents had a hard time with my experience), and I still remember how difficult those days were when my parents took it away from me. It started in Caraguatatuba when they genuinely couldn’t find the pacifier when I asked for it, but once they found it and I had already stopped asking for it, they decided to take that opportunity to wean me off the pacifier. But I remember it wasn’t easy; they kept insisting they couldn’t find it, and I wasn’t smart enough to understand that they could just buy another one. Those were tough days for my parents and me, and I didn’t want you to go through that kind of suffering and strong attachment to a pacifier. A pacifier often creates a very strong emotional dependence in a child, and that’s terrible because when it’s time to take it away, it’s very painful. I’ve seen much older children with pacifiers, and I find it horrifying, it looks so bad.

But I’ll keep insisting, and I’m hopeful that when you go back to school, this will improve.

  09/08 Chapter 288: Ashes on the ground

Today, an aviation fatality occurred. Strangely, last night while I was asleep, I woke up to the loud sound of an airplane in the early morning; it sounded as if it was very close to the building and about to crash. The sound lasted for a few minutes, and I focused on it, but then it disappeared. In the afternoon, a friend asked me if I had heard about the plane crash. I asked if it was during the early morning, but it wasn’t, making it a coincidence that I had thought and heard something during the night.

A Voepass airplane crashed into a residential condominium in the city of Vinhedo, resulting in the death of all 62 people on board. The crash was one of the worst air disasters in Brazil in years. The plane was on a regional route and had taken off shortly before the accident. Footage captured by witnesses shows the aircraft entering a flat spin before falling vertically and exploding upon hitting the ground.

The shocking aspect of this air disaster is precisely the footage where you can literally see the plane falling—it's incredibly sad.

For example, I’m very afraid of flying; I don’t feel safe despite knowing the probabilities. But even though the probability of an accident is low, it happens to some people, so why couldn’t it be me? I constantly dream about planes, and it’s usually about an accident a few minutes after takeoff, followed by an explosion. My dreams only worsened after I learned that the most dangerous part of aviation is precisely takeoff/landing, with takeoff being the most delicate. Air crashes during what they call the cruising phase are rare, as happened with Air France. So, I feel very apprehensive during the first 30 minutes of flights, especially.

However, this accident happened near the landing. The plane’s recording data was recovered and is being analyzed to better understand what caused the crash. Let's wait and see. All I know is that two children died—one 3 years old (almost your age) and one 5 years old. The 3-year-old was traveling with her father to celebrate Father’s Day, which will be the day after tomorrow. The parents were separated, and the father wasn’t on the plane. Imagine this mother receiving the news that her daughter would not return home. Her life is over!

Another victim was a puppy named Luna, who was 6 months old, belonging to the 5-year-old child. I can only imagine the terror these victims experienced seconds before the tragedy happened. It may have been something very quick, and we might even say the death was painless, but the prior panic must have been horrible. Some might have simply prayed, others closed their eyes, others hugged the people next to them, and others screamed... Unlike the Air France crash, where, according to the recordig data, it happened sometime after dinner, so the majority of the passengers were asleep, and there were no screams or panic. It seems only the pilots and co-pilots knew what was happening! So, it was probably a quick death, and they didn’t even know what hit them. There was no panic, which is much better. You’re sleeping, and POOF, total darkness, but eternal! Even the little dog must have panicked. May these people rest in peace!

12/08 Chapter 289: I'm making my way over to my favorite place

Today, I tried to wake up as early as I could to get things done before our trip. I still had to drop off packages at clients' homes, go to the post office to send packages to clients who live in another city, stop by my Aunt Rosane’s house to leave something with her, pick up things I had forgotten at the apartment because there's always something missing, and drop my grandmother off at her house.

Our flight was at 10:20 PM, and my dad always likes to be at the airport at least 3 hours early, so we had to be there by around 7 PM. But to be there by 7 PM, we would hit rush hour, the time with the heaviest traffic, so we had to leave home around 5:30 PM. The day flew by because by the time I finished everything and got home, it was already 1 PM. I still needed to take a shower and wash my hair (which takes at least another hour) and pack a few last-minute things in the suitcase. So by the time I finished, it was already time to go.

My sister drove me and your dad. Pietra was with us because she wanted company on the way back... And Rafinha was also in the car, but he quickly fell asleep. In my dad's car, it was him, my mom, and my grandparents. My grandfather would drive the car back.

I can say that the trip to the airport was hell because my sister, besides driving like a maniac (and she always gets crazier in Pietra's company), had those horrible funk songs blasting at full volume in the car. I honestly don't understand how she doesn't think about her son, like the potential future hearing problems, for example. But I was amazed at how deeply Rafinha sleeps. I already knew he doesn't wake up easily; a few times, I tried to wake him up myself, and it was quite difficult, but not to this extent. He’s so different from you. You wake up at the slightest noise. For example, if you’re sleeping in your car seat and we unbuckle your seatbelt to pick you up, you wake up just from the click of the seatbelt. You take after me and your dad; both of us are light sleepers and wake up easily.

Finally, after your dad and I almost went deaf in the car and had a terrible musical experience, we arrived at the airport, and things went quickly. I was happy that we could use the VIP lounge at the airport for the first time since I got my bank’s black card, but as nothing in life is perfect, when we got there, they said the VISA brand did not provide free entry. My parents also have a Mastercard, which apparently offers free entry, but for some unexplained reason, my Mastercard wasn’t in my wallet, and I hardly ever use that card. So only my parents and you got into the lounge! My parents said you ate more than they did, so I was happy that you enjoyed it.

Then we boarded, and it was quick because with you, we board as priority, and we started our long-awaited trip. I’m happy, I’m excited, I’m going home. And whenever I go home, to my homeland, it feels like my lungs are filled with fresh air for the first time, and I can breathe like a newborn baby. And as always, even though you’re older now, you didn’t disappoint and slept through the entire flight. Of course, your dad, your grandmother, and I didn’t sleep well, but the important thing is that you did!

Your grandmother also gave us a scare as her legs and feet started to swell on the plane, which could indicate thrombosis. As soon as I talked to the flight attendant, he said we needed to pay attention to this because it’s serious, and he brought us ice packs for her to apply to the areas, which helped a lot. I was pretty scared; imagine my mom having a venous thrombosis episode in the air... Something concerning, and it’s not the first time her feet have swollen, but this time she wasn’t in pain.

The flight had a lot of turbulence, almost the entire trip, which was awful; I’ve never been on a flight with constant turbulence like this, but for some reason, the days leading up to the trip didn’t scare me as much this time. I wasn’t constantly thinking that I would die.

Camila’s mom went with us and sat close to us. She doesn’t speak any English and was happy to go with us, so the trip was much smoother for her this time.

13/08 Chapter 290: I'm exactly where I suppose to be

Finally, we landed in Dallas. I barely slept, along with your grandma, because I was really worried about her leg. I managed to watch the Disney movie I wanted to see, 'Inside Out.' I liked it a lot. My mom said she didn’t like it very much, but I enjoyed it. They say the second one is not as good, but I’ll have to watch it to draw my own conclusions.

The immigration process in Dallas wasn't as good as last time. Last time, I believe we were at the very front of the plane, so we were among the first to be processed at immigration. The lady who attended us was very nice, and everything was quick and smooth. But this time, when I was with my dad, we spent about an hour and a half in line. There were very few immigration officers, I think just one or two from what I noticed, and the lady we got was extremely rude. She had a sour face, and such an unnecessary attitude of superiority... Terrible. Luckily, Camila’s mom was with us, otherwise she might have had communication issues at immigration and this woman could have lost her patience with her. For the first time traveling to the United States, I had to show the address of where I was going to stay, answer a lot of questions, it was all very uncomfortable, but in the end, everything worked out.

We picked up our bags to recheck them for the next flight and encountered another totally rude person handling the luggage. They threw our bags at us, not caring at all. Awful, just awful.

The flight from Dallas to San Diego was very smooth. The 2.5 hours passed quickly because you ended up sleeping, and I dozed off with you, so when we woke up, we were almost in San Diego. You, as always, were wonderful, sleeping on both the first and second flights, so now we'll see if you'll sleep well at night.

When we arrived in San Diego, my dad was surprised that the baggage claim is right at the airport's entrance, meaning everyone has access to the luggage. Anyone could come in and steal the bags, for example, as it’s literally right at the street entrance. But, of course, if it's still working this way, it’s because they haven’t had problems; after all, it’s not Brazil. In Brazil, this would never, under any circumstances, work. That’s the difference between a first-world and third-world country.

As soon as we picked up our luggage, Camila and Christine (Camila's mother-in-law) arrived. Everything fit in the cars, and we went straight to Coronado because there, we would pick up Matt's (Camila's husband) car, which we were going to rent. They gave us a great deal for three weeks.

When we got there, you played with Luca; it had been over a year since you two had seen each other. But you played more with his toys than with him. There was one toy that you loved, a tree full of animals that you would take out of the tree’s holes. I even tried to find it to buy for you later, but it was too expensive, so I gave up.

After drinking some water, resting a bit, and changing diapers, we went to eat at Burger Lounge, a burger place I used to love. The first two times I went to Burger Lounge when I lived in San Diego, I was amazed. The taste of the meat is different, unlike any other meat I’ve ever eaten. They say the cows at Burger Lounge only eat a specific type of grass and are very well taken care of, which is why the taste is unique. But the last time I went, and now when I went with my parents, I remembered the taste being better; I found it ordinary… You know when something seemed better than it is at the moment? I don't know if it's my palate or if something has actually changed, but the good thing is that my parents liked it. I was excited to take them there.

After the burger place, we stopped at the pharmacy to buy an anticoagulant for my mom, and the plan was to go to the beach right in front of Camila’s house, but we were tired, and Matt’s mom also didn’t want to deal with traffic, and it was getting late, so to avoid inconveniencing her, we adjusted to her schedule. We picked up Matt's car and drove in two cars to the house we rented from Airbnb. And the house was as beautiful as in the listing, we weren't disappointed. The house isn't big on the inside, but it’s very beautiful on the outside. The only problem was that it had stairs, and we knew you’d give us trouble with the stairs.

Everyone ended up sleeping because we were all exhausted, and when we woke up, we went to one of my favorite beaches (I think it’s actually my favorite) in San Diego = Ocean Beach. The beach itself is nothing special, but when I lived there, I used to go in the late afternoon to sit, reflect on life, cry over my ex, and read my book. It’s a calm, peaceful beach without many people. And this beach gives me a sense of peace, of comfort… I don’t know how to explain it. I just know that I’ve dreamed a few times about San Diego, and sometimes I dreamed that I was hugging the sand on the beach, and every time it was at Ocean Beach, better known as OB.

But this time, even though it was late in the afternoon, there were quite a few people, especially playing volleyball, which I always associate with Coronado Beach. But it was still a delicious and wonderful late afternoon. My mom and dad went for a walk, holding hands around the beach, and you, your dad, and I enjoyed a wonderful family moment with a beautiful sunset. And on the way back, before finally resting, we were blessed with one of the most beautiful moons I've ever seen. The perfect end to a perfect day.

14/08 Chapter 291: You got to move on somehow

Today we woke up early to go to Costco with Camila and her husband. Costco is like Sam's Club; you need to be a member to shop there. So, for us to shop, Camila had to be with us since she's a member. It doesn't make sense for us to be members because we don't live in the United States. In the past, many people used to lend their membership card to others to shop, but since they realized this was bypassing their system, now they have facial recognition. So, she had to be with us, and she wanted us to go because she said everything in the store is much cheaper than in regular supermarkets.

I don't even need to say that my parents loved it, right? Within the first five minutes of shopping, my mom picked up a 7-in-1 George Foreman air fryer, a heavy appliance that almost fills up an entire suitcase. Oh dear... And that’s because she's still looking for a blender. A few aisles later, she found it, so she was taking two appliances.

We spent about two hours there shopping, mostly for the three weeks we’d be staying at the Airbnb. At the end of our shopping, you found a little playhouse, one of those outdoor playhouses that I’ve wanted to buy for you for so long. Now that we’re here, you’re allowed one checked bag, and instead of bringing my shopping, I’ll be buying a little playhouse for you to check in. When you saw one in the store, it was hard to get you away from it; almost no one could pull you away. We noticed how much you love these playhouses when we went to the orphanage's Festa Junina. I really want to buy one for you. Today, as soon as we get home, I’m going to buy it.

The day would have been great if it weren’t for your dad noticing that you were getting sick. We noticed you were very fussy and complaining a lot, and your dad thought you were getting sick. But he didn’t just think so; he kept talking about it all day. On the way back in the car, he said he had a feeling in his gut that you were going to get sick, a father’s intuition, and that we needed to get home and do a nasal wash for you, maybe even give you the antibiotic the doctor prescribed… The doctor gave the antibiotic for emergencies, in case you had a fever or something more serious, and your dad already wants to give it to you just because you have some phlegm. You always have phlegm and a bit of a cough. He kept talking about it all day long, stressing everyone out.

Your dad is obviously traumatized by what happened to you during your three hospitalizations, especially the last two. Which is completely understandable, because we lived through a real nightmare, and only we know the pain we felt having you hospitalized and suffering so much. I even thought about scenarios, especially about you passing away, which is the worst pain any parent can feel. So, his trauma is justified, but he needs to seek help, because this isn’t healthy for him, for you, or for anyone around him. There’s always something, always some problem; he’s always worried about you, and it’s becoming very difficult.

If you are going to get sick, of course, there are things we can do to lessen what’s coming, but we can’t prevent it if the virus or bacteria is already inside you. We can only take steps to make sure it’s not severe enough to need hospitalization. That’s why you went through painful injections for so many months, so you could have a certain freedom—a freedom he can’t seem to give or understand. My dad told him that he needs to relax and accept that his daughter, you, has bronchitis and will likely have it for many years. In other words, we have to learn to handle this in a way that’s not stressful and doesn’t wear us down every time. We need to deal with this more calmly because if your bronchitis does persist for years, we can’t be at each other’s throats and get so stressed every time it happens, because it’s going to happen frequently. Instead of waiting for things to happen and then suffering, he’s already suffering in advance and ruining the trip over something he doesn’t even know will happen.

But since I was in my favorite place in the world, I didn’t want to argue and said I wouldn’t give you the antibiotic just yet. Let’s wait and see how things unfold, and hopefully, he’s wrong.

16/08 Chapter 292: This situation has to end

You woke up feeling good and energetic. I don’t remember exactly what we did the last two days because I’m not writing on the exact dates. To give you an idea, I’m writing this now in September, after we got back from the trip. I wanted so much to enjoy this trip and focus on giving you an amazing experience that I let go of my phone, my sales, and your diary. So I’m writing it late again, but this time for a good reason—to connect with and focus on you. I don’t remember exactly what we did on the second and third days, but I do remember that on the third day, things started to get complicated. I remember that later in the afternoon, your breathing was a little labored. We used the inhaler, and everything was fine, but by the end of the night, your breathing was worse, and we had to do a whole cycle treatment with the inhalor, which worked again, but we started the antibiotic. We owe a huge thanks to Dr. Humberto for sending the antibiotic for the trip, because honestly, without it, I don’t know what would have happened.

Your dad said that if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t have paid attention to you, wouldn’t have taken the necessary precautions, or started the antibiotic, which isn’t true. That really hurts us, you know? I don’t know how to deal with this, but from now on, what was supposed to be a great trip is turning into a nightmare. Besides being sad, of course, because you’re sick again and again, over and over, and it never seems to end, it never gets better. It can’t be normal for this to keep happening. But hopefully, tomorrow will be a new day, and you’ll wake up feeling well.

17/08 Chapter 293: A brand new day shines

Like a miracle, you woke up feeling great and seemed like a completely different girl. This antibiotic is very, very strong, and my mom said that's a good thing. After just one dose, you were already much better and had no more breathing problems, which was the perfect birthday gift for your grandma since today is her birthday. Since you woke up happy and full of energy, my mom asked as a birthday present if we could leave her at the Burton store to shop until the afternoon, and that's exactly what we did.

I don’t remember exactly what your dad and I did with you, but I think we went to the beach together, then came back, took a nap, and only after that did we go pick up your grandpa and grandma from the store. That evening, to celebrate grandma's birthday, I took them to The Cheesecake Factory at the mall where I used to live, which was very close by. It’s the same restaurant where your dad and I had a fight last year because he wanted to go home and didn’t let me eat. The dishes looked delicious and appetizing, and it really was wonderful.

When we arrived at the restaurant, my mom thought it was very fancy since it’s considered a chic place for us in Brazil—a dark, well-decorated environment. Looking at the menu, everyone chose their meal, but sadly, the filet mignon my dad wanted wasn’t available, so he went with the meat the waiter recommended, and the waiter was very attentive to us. My dad and I ordered non-alcoholic drinks, and my mom ordered an alcoholic one to celebrate—she was very excited. When the food arrived, everyone was really happy with their meals. The portions were large and very, very tasty. My dad really enjoyed the meat. His portion was a bit smaller, but he said it was so flavorful that it was worth it. My mom absolutely loved her meal too. The waiter sang a quiet 'Happy Birthday,' not as loud as they do at Outback in Brazil. My mom and I ordered a slice of cookie dough cheesecake, one of my favorite flavors in the U.S., though I hadn’t had any cheesecake yet on the trip. And when it arrived, wow… it was so smooth and delicious—the best I’ve ever had.

Your dad kept hinting that I was flirting with the waiter, but he was smiling and joking as if it were true. And even if it were true, who laughs at something like that? Usually, you’d get jealous or upset. Nothing about our relationship is normal... and maybe, deep down, I was flirting without even realizing it, maybe because of the lack of attention he’s been giving me lately.

And of course, on the way back, your dad found another reason to get upset. Everything was fine; everyone was happy. But when my dad bumped your little head—not a big deal—in the car because it’s so low to the ground, he was trying to put you in your car seat, and you cried because you’re very dramatic. Then your dad started complaining, saying it was the third time. My God, everything becomes a problem, it’s incredible. When I told my mom later, she got upset and said that next time, he should be the one to put you in the car. He argued that you don’t want to go with him, but he’ll have to figure it out or stop complaining. Damn! I’m so tired of all the complaints. On a day that was good, a day we were supposed to be happy that you’re feeling better, healthy, and having fun on grandma’s birthday, he still finds reasons to ruin it? Your dad needs to take a chill pill.

19/08 Chapter 294: Feels like home

I can’t believe we’re already in our 2nd week here in SD, it literally feels like we just arrived yesterday. We’ve done so many things, and not a single day have we stayed at home. What’s surprising to me, though, is that I’m not really buying much. When I go to stores, I don’t have the patience to stay long—I’m there for about an hour or less, then I quickly get tired and feel anxious to head back home so we can go out again. I’ve never been like this. I’ve always been very focused on sales, but I know that my time here is limited, so I want to enjoy every hour, every minute, and every second in this place. So when I’m shopping or selling, it feels like I’m wasting the valuable time I have here. But at the same time, I know I need to make those sales at least to cover one of the plane tickets, since I paid for mine, your dad’s, and 10% of yours (as it was cheaper for kids under 2 and half of the Airbnb we rented along with my dad. If I manage to cover even just half the Airbnb cost or one of the plane tickets, I’ll already be happy and satisfied. But I might not even need to use all three of my suitcases, let alone the extra one Camila’s mom is bringing for me as a 4rth. I want to enjoy this moment and live every second in this place that I’ve been dreaming of. I feel like I’m exactly where I should be. It’s like being at home, feeling like I belong here.

One day, we went to see the sea lions to show them to my parents, and they loved it. On the way there, your dad told me he felt like we had all been there together before, which is impossible. And I said, "See? I told you I’ve lived here in other lives." It’s funny because I don’t believe in life after death, so naturally, I don’t believe in past lives. But the feeling of belonging here, of calling this place home, is so strong that I can’t explain it.

We went to see the sea lions, and last week we practically went to the beach every day. One day, we went to La Jolla beach in the late afternoon, and on that day, all I could do was tear up and cry, looking at the ocean and the life those people had—the life I so desperately wanted for our family. People were out in the late afternoon, making bonfires, running along the beach, kids playing at the park, even though it was getting dark. My dad didn’t go that day and missed it, but it was one of the most special days. That day will stay with me forever because I was just there, looking at the ocean, wishing, hoping, and praying that maybe one day we could have that too.

I thought it was really sweet because my mom noticed that day that I was sad and dreaming about it, so she came to hug me and said that if she could, in any way, make it possible for me to come here and live, she would make it happen. And we know that a mother truly does everything for her children's happiness, and I know that even though your grandparents don't want to be far from their daughter, who is me, and their granddaughter, who is you, they also want to see us happy and want us to be in a safer and better place. It was amazing to be on that beach at the end of the afternoon, and on the way back, I saw one of the most beautiful moons... Actually, no, the most beautiful moon I have ever seen in my life. It was full, huge, shining, I've never seen anything like it. Your dad, your grandma, and I were all in awe of the stunning moon right in front of us.

We don’t go out to eat much, things in the U.S ren’t as cheap as they used to be, and not only that, but our currency, the real, is worth absolutely nothing here, so everything is almost six times more expensive for us. And to top it off, in the U.S., when you eat out, you have to tip, and it may not seem like much, but you usually leave U$10, $15, $20, $30 in tips, and that really hurts our wallet because our currency is so weak. For my mom's birthday, the waiter was so nice to us that I gave the tip suggested on the bill, which was more than $30, about $36. That's practically the price of a meal at the restaurant. With that money, for example, you can eat at Denny's twice. So this whole tipping situation in the U.S. really makes it hard for us to eat out.

Also, what happened last week, just after we arrived at the house, was that the fridge started having problems. The fridge and freezer weren’t cooling enough, and I noticed because the waffles were getting soft and all the ice cream was melting. We called the owner of the house, and he came to check it out at night when we weren’t there. He said it wasn’t cooling as it should, but it was still cooling a bit, so he reset the fridge and told us to let him know if there were any more problems. But in the end, it got even worse, and now the fridge wasn’t cooling at all, and we were going to lose all our groceries. We called him again, and a technician came the next morning to check it out. The issue was with the control board, and since the owner didn’t have insurance for the fridge, it would be cheaper to buy a new one. He went to the store to buy a new one, but it would only arrive on Friday, which was the 23rd, meaning we’d only have a working fridge for one week of our stay. For the first two weeks we should have had the fridge, it was malfunctioning. We tried to be understanding, bought ice, and put it around the most important items to keep them cold. The owner also helped by bringing bags so we could take things to the house next door, which he also owned, so we had access to that fridge. It wasn’t convenient, but it was helpful. However, on Friday, he was expecting new guests at that house, so we could only use that fridge until then. But since the new fridge was arriving on Friday, it all worked out in the end.

I’ve always wanted to have a house, a farm, or some kind of property to rent out on Airbnb because you can make a lot of money, but it also comes with a lot of headaches. Financially, when people break things, it's stressful. For example, they’ve broken the air conditioning in a really hot place, a fridge, a stove, and you have to fix or find a way to handle it because they paid for everything that was supposed to be in working order as per the listing. If you get low ratings, that affects future bookings for your property. So, it’s complicated, but as I told my mom, every business has its headaches and expenses—there’s no business that’s just pure profit. Even so, I still think it’s worth it.

The guy who rented us the house is around your dad's age, between 30 and 35 years old, or maybe even younger, and he owns at least two houses, maybe even three, all really nice. He drives a luxury sports car, and to have all this in San Diego at that age, either you’ve won the lottery, or you’ve inherited it, because it seems impossible otherwise.

Anyway, I don’t remember everything we did, but there wasn’t a single day we didn’t have fun, go to the beach, go out, or enjoy ourselves. Every day was wonderful.

And it’s worth noting that you’re becoming more and more attached to your grandpa. For you, it’s all about him. I don’t know why you’re not as attached to your grandma, who also does everything for you. Who knows… Maybe past lives really do exist to explain some things, because honestly, it’s a mystery.

20/08 Chapter 295: Words are weapon and occasionally they cut deep

In this second week, you were healthier than ever. It had been a very, very long time since we had seen you without any congestion at all. My mom thinks it’s also because of the weather here, which is very dry and hot, whereas in Brazil, the weather keeps changing all the time. Some days you wake up and it's super hot, and the next day it’s very cold. I don’t know what miracle this is, but more than the weather, I believe it’s still the effect of the antibiotic.

The only problem is that in the first two days, you didn’t even remember cartoons, probably because it was an unfamiliar house. You even looked at the TV but didn’t seem to know if it worked, I believe, because you didn’t ask for it, and obviously, we didn’t turn it on. But since you got sick on the third day and really scared us with your breathing and everything else, we started putting the cartoons back on for you, and from there, it was a slippery slope. You’ve been watching cartoons every day, which is normal for everyone because people can get things done while the kids are distracted, but that wasn’t the goal. If it were up to me, I would have traveled to San Diego, and during those three weeks, you wouldn’t have watched any cartoons. But since circumstances changed, the situation changed as well. Now, you usually watch cartoons before we leave the house and again when we come back, which, of course, is making your dad nervous again, and it’s frustrating me as well. I swear, if it were up to me, I would throw that TV out the window—I’m tired of arguing about the same thing. He’s not going to change. And honestly, if I could, I would have rented a house that didn’t even have a TV, because neither your dad nor I watch TV at all, and your grandparents don’t speak English to watch a TV where all the programming is in English, so the TV would only be used by you, meaning I wouldn’t have cared about having one. But I couldn’t find a house without a TV for rent, and I wasn’t going to rent a bad house without a TV and miss out on a good, nice house because of that. But seriously, this TV and cartoon nonsense is exhausting my soul, I swear!

But what really made me angry was tonight. As I told you, I’m barely selling anything; I haven’t even reached R$3000, and there’s only a week and a half left before we leave. I should have made at least R$20,000 to make it worthwhile, or R$15,000 to at least cover the tickets or half of the house, and I was so far from that… Meaning I wasn’t working at all; for the first time, I was dedicating 100% of my time to you and my family. I was enjoying it and wasn’t complaining. But tonight, the contracts from my dad’s company arrived, and I work for his company. Even while traveling and being out of the country, my dad and I continue entering the contracts that arrive nightly. On this particular night, a lot of contracts came in, so I spent about an hour and a half to two hours working in the living room. After that, I opened my sales spreadsheet to enter some random products I had bought, and your dad saw, which is no problem at all, I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

But later that night, when it was just you, your dad, and me in bed, I told him that I had also been looking online for something romantic for us to do, to take advantage of being in such a nice place with my parents able to take care of you. I found something that really enchanted me: an open-air cinema called Rooftop. It looked amazing from the pictures, something I’ve never experienced because we don’t have anything like that in Brazil. So I mentioned it to him, but he didn’t pay much attention. Later, when we were lying in bed, I had my laptop open looking at available dates and movies because I knew we needed to focus on us too. The relationship can’t just be about the kids, even though they are 100% the priority. We can’t forget about our partner or ourselves because if one thing doesn’t work, everything else falls apart. So there I was, looking at movies, trying to choose something nice for me and your dad. Of course, you were moving around and not wanting to sleep, and then he comes out with this: ‘Close that laptop, you can check that later; otherwise, she won’t sleep.

I was already annoyed but still responded calmly: ‘I’m looking at something for us, the cinema.’ He asked why I hadn’t looked at it earlier, and I replied that I was working. Then he said, ‘You’re always working, your work never ends.’ Bebe, that’s when I got upset… How can he say I’m always working? Sure, I work a lot at home, and it’s true that sometimes I don’t give you as much attention as I should because I’m busy. But on this trip, I’ve been doing the complete opposite. Instead of him recognizing that I wasn’t being my usual self, always focused on work and sales, and that I was dedicating all my time to you and him, he didn’t acknowledge it, and worse, he complained. That hurt me deeply. I got upset and ended up saying a few things, then went downstairs to vent to my mom and talk to her, explaining the situation, and honestly, it really hurt me.

Yes, I work a lot, but not on this trip. On this trip, I’m missing out on making money, on paying for the plane tickets, and I’m dedicating 100% of my time to my family. Is wanting a little recognition too much to ask for? That’s why I felt so hurt and upset, because of the lack of recognition. I was missing out on a lot of income, money that could have paid for this trip that I was providing for both him and you, and this is how he thanks me, talking like that? And the worst part is, I was there thinking about us, about something we could do together as a couple, and, as usual, all he can think about is you, your routine, and what will or won’t disrupt you. I’ve already told him that as long as his whole life revolves around you, we’re never going to work out because there’s no room for me in his life. But I don’t believe your dad is going to change, and now all I want is that after this trip is over, we go our separate ways because it’s clear we can’t stay together. In your dad’s life, there’s only room for you, and he doesn’t know how to make space for more than one person in his heart.

So after crying and going to bed upset, the next day we had that conversation where, unfortunately, we decided to wait until San Diego to see if we would stay together or not, to see if by the end of this trip we had worked as a couple or evolved. But we weren’t evolving. It’s like we’re stuck in the same place, not moving, not progressing, unable to break free from where we’re at. We had the conversation, and I said it was obvious that we hadn’t achieved what we planned, that things didn’t turn out how we expected, that we are very different, that all the focus is on you, etc., and that we already had the answer we were looking for and needed. He agreed, and that’s what happened.

Unfortunately, I had already bought the tickets for the night of the 22nd, and I spent over U$70, believe it or not, because I got popcorn for each of us, booked the couple’s seat, all those details that just make it more expensive. I never thought in my life I’d spend more than R$50 on a movie ticket, and here I am talking about $70. Sure, it was for both of us, but when you multiply that by six, it’s a lot of money. And these are things he doesn’t appreciate, doesn’t value. As my mom said, everything that comes easily is usually not appreciated. Of course, there are exceptions, but most of the time, that’s how it is for people. Everything we don’t fight for, sweat for, or work hard to get isn’t valued in the same way. So of course, he wasn’t going to appreciate the trip like I did, after spending so much money and dreaming about it for so long. So, my daughter, I swear I tried, but unfortunately, it’s just not working anymore. And now I have this romantic movie planned for the 22nd with your dad, and we’re in this situation.

I wish, just once, to experience a relationship where someone does that for me, you know? Pays for the trip, for the romantic movie, focuses on me, puts me on a pedestal. Every time I’ve been in a serious or even casual relationship, I’m always the one doing things for the other person. I pay for the trip for someone, buy plane tickets for another, dinner—what a joke. When will I be the center of someone’s world? I might say I was the center of Caique’s world for a while, but even that changed later. But we’ll get to that story eventually.

22/08 Chapter 296: There's nowhere I rather be

Today was a busy day, we walked around a lot, and in the late afternoon, we stopped by one of my favorite places, which is a small shop that sells Mexican food (Valerie's Shop).

When I lived in San Diego, my friend Mohamed took me to this little place. From the outside, you would never imagine how delicious the food is because it’s a really small, simple place, the kind of spot you'd randomly stop by to eat. But it’s a super clean place, with the highest sanitation rating according to the health department, with an "A" rating displayed, and the food is carefully prepared and delicious. It’s the best burrito I've ever had in my life, and also the biggest. Last year, I took your dad there, and he really liked it. This year, I took my parents. I bought a burrito for them, and I chose my favorite, which is the California burrito with French fries inside, and I ordered that for my dad too. For my mom, I surprised her and got the shrimp burrito. They let me choose for them, so I picked what I thought each of them would like the most. The California burrito has meat and French fries, and since my dad loves both, I knew he’d enjoy it. Even though he doesn't usually like Mexican food, I knew this would be an exception.

We got the burritos, took them to the beach, and brought my parents to see the beach where your dad and I met, Pacific Beach. I love the beach, but the only issue there is parking. Even in the late afternoon, almost evening, it was hard to find a spot, but in the end, we did. During the day, it’s extremely difficult. One good thing about San Diego is that you can generally find parking almost anywhere, except Downtown. There, it’s metered, so you have to pay everywhere.

We got there in the late afternoon, caught the sunset (though we couldn’t really see it well because the clouds were covering a lot), and sat on the beach eating our burritos and enjoying ourselves.

My dad really liked the burrito, and my mom loved it. She said that before going back to Brazil, she wanted to have one more. She said it was the best burrito she’s ever had, and not even in Mexico, where she went recently, did she have a burrito that big and delicious. I told her it was good! I love it when people recommend great places, and we end up becoming fans of the place too.

Afterward, we went back and didn’t take long because at 10:00 p.m., your dad and I had the movie I mentioned I bought tickets for, and we had to get there about 15 minutes early to get to know the place, grab some popcorn, and all that.

We still had to go home, take a quick shower, and change. In San Diego, it gets dark at 7:30 p.m., so we were already running late.

As soon as we got home, we barely had time to do anything. We took a shower, got changed, and went straight to Downtown to watch our movie. I picked a horror movie without even reading reviews or anything like that. I just read the summary and already liked it.

Here’s my problem with reviews: before watching a movie, your dad always wants to check Google to see how it's rated by people, etc. I never do that. I think movies are something extremely personal. What pleases some won’t please others, so you can’t rely on ratings when it comes to movies. For example, there are many Oscar-winning films that I think are terrible. Boring, slow-paced stories where nothing happens for a long time. And for others, it’s a masterpiece. So, I think movies are very personal. Some people love Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings, while others think those kinds of movies are a drag. You can’t base your opinion on what others think. You usually have a preferred movie style, you watch, and then you form your own opinion. Of course, there are exceptions with ridiculous endings that most people might agree on, but still, it’s something very personal. I’ve seen movies with five-star ratings online that I hated, and the opposite too—movies with very low ratings that I really enjoyed. One famous and critically acclaimed movie is Amélie. For me, it was one of the worst films I’ve ever seen—boring, slow, a drag.

Back to the story. We went to Downtown, and it’s a bit tricky to find parking there. I actually found a spot near the hotel (because the cinema is on top of a hotel) where we no longer needed to pay at the parking meter since it was late. When we got to the hotel parking lot, we saw it would cost around $25-30 for parking, which is a lot. But since I paid for the cinema, popcorn, and drove us there, your dad said he’d pay for the parking. Before that, we drove around a bit to see if we could find a spot. We did, but we thought that, besides being a little late, we’d be leaving after midnight, and even though the area is generally safe, and I think San Diego is a very peaceful city when it comes to crime, that part of town is a bit dirty with a lot of homeless people, so we felt a bit uneasy. Not to mention that after the movie, at midnight, we’d be tired and would just want to go home, not walk all the way to the car.

And it was a good thing we paid for parking because it took us a while to find the right place. We wandered around like headless chickens in that huge hotel. But we made it, and it was amazing. When I saw those lights, the view from the top of Downtown, all the music, the ambiance, the big open-air screen—I felt like a kid at a theme park. My eyes lit up, my mouth dropped open, I was enchanted, and your dad noticed that. He was really impressed too since he’d never been to a cinema like that. We were filming, and we were happy.

And that’s what San Diego brings: happiness. And not just that, but there are so many attractions, so many things to do in this city that you never get bored. It’s like your dad said—there won’t be a single day, if we lived there, where a holiday, a weekend, or an afternoon would come, and we’d want to do something but couldn’t think of anything, like what happens here in São Paulo. The options are so many that you can’t even decide between them. We stayed for three weeks and still couldn’t show my parents everything I wanted to, and I only lived here for a year, and I already know a lot of things. There’s so much more to discover, and many things I don’t even know about myself. That variety, that wide range of options that San Diego offers, is what enchants me so much. It has something for everyone: babies, children, single adults, married adults, animals—San Diego embraces everyone who lives in the city.

I even thought about how opening a cinema like this in São Paulo could be profitable, because there’s nothing like it there. But at the same time, I understand why we don’t have anything like that. In San Diego, for example, I lived here for a year, and I don’t remember a single time it rained. We’ve been here for two weeks now, and not a single day has it rained—every day has been sunny. Even though winter can be a bit cold, it’s rare to see rain—it’s hard. But in São Paulo, one of the things that happens the most in the summer, for example, is rain. It even makes it hard to plan trips, go to the beach, or make any commitments because we know it rains a lot in the summer. And in the winter, it rains too. So, it’s tricky—how could you invest in a business where the main factor, being outdoors, depends on the weather? And the weather is often bad in the city. So, if you were to open a business like that, you’d have to refund people who bought tickets if it rained that day, or reschedule. It’s a bit complicated, you know?

But anyway, we were walking hand in hand, your dad hugged me. This is a serious thing between us—we argue, talk about separating, and then after a few days, when things calm down, we act as if nothing happened, and everything goes back to normal. He’s even talked to me about this, and he’s right. But in the heat of the moment, we get so upset over certain things, certain factors, that we actually start talking about separation. Then, over time, we realize that maybe it’s too radical a step and that we enjoy each other’s company; we just can’t seem to synchronize. That’s been the tough task: synchronization. But that doesn’t mean that just because we were enjoying the beauty of the place today, in that lovely atmosphere, acting like a couple, the conversation didn’t happen or that we aren’t still considering that separation might be the best option. I believe this story isn’t over yet, and maybe tonight doesn’t mean we’re reconciling—maybe we’re just making the most of the time we have left.

And the movie was way better than I expected. I loved it and was entertained from start to finish. It’s one of those horror movies that isn’t really horror—it’s more of a thriller, with a few horror elements and a lot of funny, visible, humorous scenes. It’s a really cool movie, fun to watch. The name of the movie is Ready or Not. It’s about a couple that just got married, and every new member who joins this family has to go through what’s like an initiation right after marriage. But this initiation is a night of games. In reality, the person draws a card with a game on it, and they have to play that game overnight. Of course, our dear protagonist draws the one game that should never be drawn—a life-or-death game. Well, for those who like thrillers, they’ll enjoy the movie.

So, we were in a wonderful setting, the weather was great, we were eating popcorn, drinking soda, and cuddling. At one point, a beautiful white bird flew over our heads—I thought it was amazing. It’s a whole new world. At the same time that I feel sad about not living here anymore, I’m also grateful to experience these things because I know a lot of people back in Brazil who will never have the opportunity to know a world like this—the world of entertainment, where the streets are clean, people are polite, many are honest, with amazing attractions, and playgrounds that aren’t destroyed by the people themselves.

After a wonderful night, we came back home, and we were already missing you. We thought the little miss joy would be asleep, but of course, you weren’t. Still, we were happy to be back, to have you at home, to hug you, and you slept with us, all cuddled up, happy to see us. A happy day in my happy place.

23/08 Chapter 297: I could stay here for a lifetime

Can you believe that the refrigerator arrived on Friday as promised, but when it did, it didn’t fit through the door? In other words, the homeowner took the wrong measurements because your father overheard the delivery guy saying it wasn’t their fault, that they had passed along the measurements... So, we were left without a refrigerator. Then, out of frustration, my dad started to get angry, and my mom began to panic. But your dad suggested to the homeowner to try to buy us one of those small refrigerators that people sometimes keep even in their bedrooms. Surprisingly, he did exactly that, except instead of buying a tiny fridge that would have made it difficult to fit all the essentials, he bought a small refrigerator that was placed in the living room. That solved all our problems, and even though the fridge was small, it fit everything we needed. This is the kind of headache I told you about when it comes to business, in this case, rental property business. Especially those short-term rentals, for vacations or brief stays. When you rent for years, the furniture belongs to the tenant, so if something breaks, it's their problem.

On Sunday, Camila said we would finally go to the beach. I didn’t think it would work out for all of us to go because she wasn’t really talking to me and didn’t seem that interested. But I couldn’t be upset with her because she’s always been so helpful whenever I go there. Still, I kind of miss that reciprocity in friendship—not in a material sense, but in the sense of her wanting to spend time with me too. I know she’s really busy, and I understand how exhausting it must be for a mom working from home and taking care of a child. But she seemed so excited when I told her I was coming. She said we would go out a lot, visit several places, and go on a boat ride, but that didn’t happen. So far, I think we’ve seen her maybe two or three times, tops. The second time might have been just at the supermarket. I often feel that in friendships, I’m the one who puts in more effort most of the time. I won’t say all the time, because that would be an overgeneralization. But I expected to go out with her more, especially to take you to play with Luca, which should also interest her since he doesn’t have much interaction with other kids because he doesn’t go to school. And her other friend, who also has a baby around Luca’s age, lives nearby but in another city, so they don’t see each other often.

Anyway, on Sunday, we all went to the beach—my whole family, her family, and her in-laws, who are amazing people again.

I think we met at the beach around 11:30 am, if I’m not mistaken. It’s the same beach we went to last year with her, and it’s not really the sea, it’s more of a bay, so the water is really calm. It’s peaceful, especially because it’s a place not many people know about. Since it's small and unknown, it's practically empty, with no other people around.

The sun was really hot that day. I put sunscreen on you, reapplied it, and made sure you didn’t get burned like that one time in Caraguatatuba when you were just three months old and your poor little face got sunburned. But in exchange, I forgot to reapply sunscreen on myself and got really burned. My entire back was badly sunburned. That night, I suffered a lot. I think the worst places to get burned are your back and shoulders. Even though the face is dangerous for future skin cancer and you’re more likely to get wrinkles from sunburn, it doesn’t hurt as much.

"Once, I got a sunburn on the back of my legs while sleeping in the sun. I was at the beach, and though the sun wasn’t very strong, I forget that in addition to being very pale, there’s also the overcast sun. So, I was lying face down on the sand, with my butt up in the air. When I got home, the entire back of my legs was extremely sunburned. I might even have had heatstroke. It was awful, and really painful too.

1 I’ll always try to take good care of you in that regard because sunburns are so painful. I think one of the reasons I didn’t like going to the beach in the past was because I had trauma from sunburns. My mom would put sunscreen on, but she wouldn’t reapply it, so we would get burned. Also, sunscreens in the past weren’t as good as the ones we have now.

Back to our beach adventure, we spent around 3 wonderful hours there, with you playing with Luca and eating snacks. Everyone brought something to eat, so it was really nice. I need more days like that, and you do too. Oh, my dear, I must admit, I would stay here forever. I love this place so much; it gives me peace, tranquility, and happiness.

24/08 Chapter 298: A man whose heart is hollow

Something very important that I forgot to tell you is that this week, if we’re still here, it was determined by the new dictator we have in Brazil, Alexandre de Moraes, to suspend the X app, the former Twitter. This actually doesn’t affect me much because I use VPN. But you wouldn’t believe the latest: besides this being the first time a social network has been banned in Brazil, it’s all happening because of the fight between Elon Musk and Alexandre de Moraes. The crazy dictator also said that anyone using a VPN would be fined R$50,000 per day. He pulls numbers and fines out of his head as if he can do whatever he wants. He literally thinks he owns Brazil, and, in fact, he kind of does because no one is doing anything to stop this situation.

Everyone is shocked at how one person is managing to dictate and do whatever he wants, whatever he desires. And to think that my dad once ran into this son of a bitch, and this idiot even apologized to him. Also, your aunt Rosane once shook his hand at a restaurant back when he wasn’t yet a Supreme Court justice.

But the whole VPN situation didn’t work out so well, because many people use VPNs, like banks, companies, and huge businesses. So, the next day, he kind of walked back on that point and said that only people using VPN specifically for Twitter would be fined, etc., etc. The guy doesn’t care about laws, the constitution, nothing. Many of the things he decrees he technically can’t even do, because they’re outside the judicial department.

This is all reaching a point where it’s becoming unsustainable. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to leave the country, at least me, you, and your dad. If my family wants to remain at the mercy of a dictatorial country, I’m not going to accept it as easily as they are.

This guy has already done enough damage, changing the entire judicial system apparently, arresting innocent people, applying laws that do not exist, sentencing innocent people for almost two decades with disproportionate sentences, and much more. He is a guy whose heart is hollow, a psychopath.

Just so you have an idea, there are 195 countries and less than 10, TEN have Twitter blocked, and those that do are countries with communist regimes and dictators in power. So, do I really need to explain that we are now part of the less than 10 countries with censorship on social media? And even fewer countries ban VPNs. Some of them: Iran, China, Iraq... countries that are super well-regarded worldwide (sarcasm).

Censorship is a dangerous tool that governments use to control and manipulate public discourse, which has far-reaching negative consequences. When a government dictates what its citizens can say, do, or watch, it infringes on the fundamental human right to freedom of expression. This freedom is crucial for individual autonomy, allowing people to express their thoughts, beliefs, and opinions without fear of punishment. Without it, society risks falling into a state of intellectual stagnation, where critical thinking is discouraged, and diverse perspectives are suppressed.

The excuse given for banning the former Twitter in Brazil is that they removed the country's representatives, meaning there’s no Brazilian operating the company here. Besides being idiotic, this excuse is terrible considering that other platforms, like X-videos and Bluesky, operate normally here without a representative, and you can access them without needing a VPN, even without local representation. Moreover, Elon Musk only removed the representatives because Alexandre de Moraes was freezing employees' accounts and threatening them with prison. Of course, Musk would remove his staff when they were being threatened. I wonder how people can’t understand this, the reason for removing representation from Brazil.

And all of this only happened because he (Moraes) started giving orders to take down more and more accounts on Twitter without offering any explanation or reason for wanting them suspended. It was later shown in the files exposed by Musk that he simply ordered accounts to be banned whenever he took issue with someone's post. And all of these were right-wing accounts, NONE from the left. A Supreme Court Justice should always be, today and forever, IMPARTIAL."

One of the main reasons censorship is harmful is that it limits access to information. When governments restrict what people can read, watch, or share, they undermine the public's ability to make educated decisions. When governments ban certain platforms or information sources, they create an environment where only approved ideas can thrive, which can lead to authoritarian control over knowledge and truth.

For instance, when a government bans a social network like Twitter, it cuts off a vital avenue for public discussion and activism. Social media has become a critical space for political engagement. Moreover, the banning of social networks is not just an attack on free speech, but also a method of control over the flow of information. Governments often justify these actions by claiming that they are protecting national security or preventing the spread of harmful content, but these justifications are frequently used to silence political opposition and criticism. This kind of control not only limits the public's ability to criticize the government but also creates an echo chamber where only government-approved narratives are allowed. This lack of diversity in viewpoints leads to a misinformed populace, easily manipulated by state-controlled media.

The restriction of VPNs (Virtual Private Networks) in some countries is another example of how governments attempt to control the internet and its users. VPNs allow people to access content that might be censored in their country, giving them a way to bypass government surveillance and restrictions. By banning VPNs, governments effectively trap their citizens in a bubble of controlled information, cutting them off from the global exchange of ideas. Countries like China, Iran, and Iraq are notorious for such restrictions, and their heavy-handed approach to internet censorship has drawn widespread criticism. These countries are not known for their commitment to democratic principles, and their restrictions on online freedom highlight the dangers of letting any government dictate what its citizens can access.

And to finish, censorship is a tool of oppression, used by those in power to maintain control over the populace. A government that seeks to limit what people can say, watch, or do is a government that fears its own people. When freedom of expression is restricted, society loses its ability to question, to challenge, and to grow. Banning social media and restricting access to tools like VPNs are just modern extensions of an age-old desire to control the narrative and suppress dissent. The fight against censorship is, therefore, a fight for the preservation of democracy, individual autonomy, and the free exchange of ideas that drives human progress.

26/08 Chapter 299: This is my house, this is my home

I can't believe we're already in the last week of our trip. In fact, it's not even a full week left considering we’re leaving on Sunday. And I was sad because I told Miguel, who is coming here with his family, that we were leaving Sunday night, so we could meet up on Sunday morning. But Camila told me yesterday at the beach that the flight from here is at 11:00 AM. So, for us to be at the airport, we need to be there around 8:00 AM. That means I won’t be able to see Miguel. He would arrive on Saturday night, around 9:00 PM, but he said the baby and his wife would be too tired to do anything, which is totally understandable.

It feels like just yesterday I got here. I waited so long for this trip, and it’s going by so fast. Time is such a funny thing, right? The things we love and wait for pass by so quickly, but things we hate and do out of obligation seem to drag on forever. And it’s the same amount of time. I’ve always found this idea of time so strange. For someone at work doing something they don’t like, the hours drag on, and weeks feel like months. But when you’re traveling and doing what you love, time flies, and it feels like you can’t fit in everything you planned. It’s the exact same time, just passing differently for each person.

So I sent Miguel a message explaining the situation, and he said he would try to at least meet me by himself after he arrived from the trip. He said he would keep me updated when he landed so we could try to meet. He mentioned that he wanted to give me a little present they bought for you, so I rushed to the stores to not only buy a gift for Olivia too - because in life everything has to be reciprocal - but also a gift for the baby they’re expecting since Dani is pregnant. I was lucky enough to find two gifts for each of them at a great price at Burlington. For the baby that’s on the way, I bought a super cute small stuffed bunny that sings a lullaby and a Carter's onesie that says 'little sister.' For Olivia, I got an interactive book because Miguel always said she loves books, and I also bought her pajamas—since I’m obsessed with pajamas. I buy pajamas for you every time I pack a suitcase from the U.S., every month. I bought pajamas with a really nice fabric, so I think Dani will like them.

But I’m starting to feel a bit depressed. I don’t want to go back to São Paulo. I don’t want to go back to Brazil, especially with how things are lately. I’m in the capitalist country, the land of freedom, and I’m returning to a country that’s leaning toward communism and becoming more and more dictatorial, where we have no freedom. Honestly, I’ve never felt at home in Brazil, and even though I’ve always loved the United States and every place I’ve visited—like New York, Orlando, Miami, North Carolina—I’ve fallen in love with each place. But nothing has been as strong as San Diego. Here, I feel like this is my home. Here, I truly feel like this is my place. And as the saying goes, there’s nothing like your 'home sweet home.' And I’m being forcibly taken from mine.

27/08 Chapter 300: Looking for the pieces of our broken plans

I really wanted to go to the San Diego Children's Museum (in Downtown) because people say it's amazing, but Camila said she wanted to go with me to take Luca and her mother-in-law too. So, when I mentioned to her that I wanted to go the next day, she asked if we could go in two days because she also wanted to take Luca and her mother-in-law. I asked if she was sure, and she said yes. I asked because I was planning to go to two museums: the one in Downtown, which people say is the best and is even a bit more expensive, and another one in Escondido, which is also a children's museum but seems simpler, more just to pass the time. So, I didn't go on the day I wanted to go with you, to go two days later with her. I also sent a message confirming, asking again if she was sure, and she said yes.

Well, the day came, and she sent me a message saying she wouldn’t be able to go because Luca fell asleep on the way back from swimming ??? Why doesn't she just take him in the car sleeping and wake him up when they get there? I know every mother is different, but come on, we have to think about our kids in terms of playing and socializing too. Of course, a child would have much more fun at a museum with a new friend than sleeping for an extra half hour. But it’s complicated because she lives there and has access to the museum whenever she wants, while I don’t. I just wish she had shown a bit more empathy towards me in this case, knowing that I don’t live there and that this would be a unique opportunity for the kids to be together at the museum. Even though she's there, I'm not, and we may not have another chance to take the kids together. Despite how much I love it here and dream of living here, dreams are just that—dreams. It's something you hope for, but achieving it is another story.

So yeah, I was really upset that she didn’t go because I asked twice, and also because she didn’t consider the fact that we’re about to leave, and the kids could’ve had a bit more fun. A child being asleep would never stop me from doing something with you, especially because you have so much energy that as soon as you hear noises around you, you wake up all excited to know what the next adventure is.

But it's okay, I thought: I'll just go with my daughter and husband. However, when I searched the museum's name on Google to get the address and put it in the GPS, surprise: the museum was closed that day, and for the whole week! Man, I was really upset. Not because it was closed—that was our fault for not checking—but I never imagined it would be closed on a weekday. Anyway... If she had been able to go, we would have ended up in the same situation, getting there and finding it closed. But that would’ve made me less angry. Or, if she had found out and told me, 'Hey, Natascha, the museum is closed,' I would’ve been mad at myself for not checking, not at her. But since she canceled without knowing it was closed, I was upset because I could have gone the day before, as I had planned, and then today we could’ve gone to the simpler museum and visited both. Now, what's the problem? The problem is that I’ll take you to the simpler museum because the one I really wanted to visit is closed, and the entire week is already planned out. We don’t have another day to go to the museum I wanted to see. But it was done—no point crying over spilled milk. The only option left was to visit the museum we had.

So we all went. My parents, of course, wouldn’t stay at the museum, so I told them to drop us off for about 2 or 3 hours while they visited the shops in that town. The stores are different from those in other cities, and they might even find something unique—and they did. My mom found a beautiful purse to give to my sister, something she couldn’t find in other stores. And at the supermarket, they bought several ice creams from Haagen Dazs that they couldn’t find at the Walmart near where we were staying. They got about two or three different flavors, but the problem was that they were already melting, and it was about a 40-minute drive back to where we were staying. So my dad cranked up the air conditioning and put the ice creams right in front of it—it seemed to help a little.

Now, about the museum: when we arrived, we paid a small fee, like $12 or $18, I don’t remember exactly, but you had to pay too. Only kids under one get in for free, and you’re almost two now, my dear—time flies! I thought it was pretty nice; it’s a much simpler and smaller museum, at least compared to the photos I saw of the other one. But it was something you enjoyed, something that kept you entertained and made you happy. This is what I miss about São Paulo, and I’m sure it’s the same across Brazil. If we live in the largest city in Brazil, one of the biggest in the world, and we don’t have these kinds of attractions, imagine in smaller towns, for example. I really miss having more options. On a holiday or weekend when we're bored, it would be so nice to take you somewhere to have fun, play, without it being a shopping mall.

There was a baby area for kids up to two years old where you played a lot. You actually tried and played with all the toys. But outside, you didn’t enjoy it as much, plus it was unbearably hot. I really wished you only wanted to stay inside because of the air conditioning since today was extremely hot. But from the YouTube videos, the museum seemed a bit better—it showed kids playing with clay, but I didn’t see any clay there. There was also painting, but the painting area was closed, so I was a bit disappointed—as a mom, of course. But you weren’t; you played the entire time with everything. It would be a great place to take you every now and then if you lived nearby, just to keep you entertained, you know?

In short, I missed out on visiting one of the best museums I was really excited to see, which was huge, for a much simpler one. You could’ve had even more fun for more hours at the bigger one, and we wouldn’t have needed to travel either. Although, everything in San Diego is pretty close—even other cities. It took us less than half an hour to get to this other town, but the return was longer, around 40 minutes, because of traffic at that time. Normally, in San Diego, if you don’t hit traffic, everything is about 15 minutes away; anything over 25 is considered far here, at least for me.

But what’s important is that you had fun today. You played, it was another happy day for you, and another happy day for us to spend time with you.

28/08 Chapter 301: Bang bang!

Today was the day that my dad, your dad, and I went to the shooting range to learn how to shoot. Actually, it was me and your dad, because my dad was a police officer and had a lot of experience with guns, so he would be teaching us.

When I lived here in 2018, I went to this shooting range once with two friends, but I remember I shot about three times because we shared the ammunition since it was expensive. I remember I didn’t do well, and it went by super fast, so I didn’t really learn how to handle the gun properly. I wanted to learn how to load, unload, and handle the equipment correctly, but I didn’t know how. Anyone can shoot; you just pull the trigger. But I wanted to learn how to handle it and also learn tips on how to hit the target.

We went there, and it felt like it took forever. Even my dad was joking that we were heading to Texas instead. It was less than half an hour, but for some reason, it felt like twice that.

When we arrived, we had to fill out questionnaires to see if we were fit to enter the shooting range. Then they gave us a manual to read through, understand, and afterward answer the questionnaires to see if we had really read it. The questions were simple, but you really had to read the manual. It wasn’t that expensive in the end; we ended up spending $98 in total, including the ammo and the guns. Your grandfather chose my gun, and your dad picked a revolver. The lady who worked there taught us the basics and asked if we needed any assistance, but we said no, that my dad would teach us everything inside.

To my surprise, my dad didn’t want to pick up a gun. He said he already knew how to shoot and just wanted to teach us. I was a bit disappointed, as there were so many guns that I’m sure he had never shot with in his life, and he could have tried them out, but he didn’t want to. Of course, he couldn’t resist not shooting, so he ended up shooting with my gun three times, and in the end, we were charged anyway, so he should’ve just gotten a gun.

I know we ended up renting two guns, but we only used one. Since I was already pretty good, and your dad had also learned, he didn’t want to continue, and I didn’t mind either.

When we entered the shooting range, we put on earplugs and the visor because sometimes, when you shoot, the cartridge comes back at you and can hit your eye. But when we got there, there was a couple shooting, and our earplugs were those really cheap ones that were basically useless. Since it was a very enclosed space, the echo and the sound of the gunshots were very loud, which made my heart race from discomfort. Your dad felt the same way; he said he felt something bad, a tightness in his chest. My dad even laughed and mocked him, but I was feeling the same discomfort, and a tightness in my chesst, idn. Guns are not something I enjoy, but I support having them for self-defense, especially living in Brazil, to protect against invasions. The chance of being killed for no reason is high, so since the chance of dying is significant, it's better to try to save yourself, right?.

But that's it, the discomfort was significant, and we couldn't hear any clear instructions from my dad because all we could hear was the sound of the couple's bullets next to us; it was impossible to talk. But luckily, it didn't take long for them to leave, so we were finally alone, without anyone else, and could talk normally. I learned to shoot quickly, and I was the only one who hit the target. Neither your dad nor my dad, who was a police officer by the way, could hit the center of the target. Everyone was very surprised by me, and so as I.

 I’m good at sports and like to be good at what I do. Your dad teases me, but it's true; I was good at soccer, good at volleyball, and even good at basketball despite being quite short. The only thing I was never good at was handball.

I even had a soccer team in elementary and high school called TUME, and I was the top scorer. I really enjoyed playing soccer. But more than three times, I twisted my ankle while playing and had to wear a cast. The last time, the doctor who put the cast on said I would need to do physical therapy to continue playing, and since then, I never played again. Not just because of that, but life distanced me from the friends I used to play soccer with, and that was the icing on the cake.

Returning to the guns topic, I did very well, and although every time I pulled the trigger, my heart would race (because besides being heavy, the recoil on your arm when firing is quite strong, it's uncomfortable), I feel more at ease knowing that, if one day I have a gun and need to defend myself, at least I will know how to handle it.

Here in Brazil, it used to be allowed to own your own gun, just like in the U.S. My father even had one (though he was a police officer, but he would have had one even if he wasn't). However, during the government of the illustrious Lula (sneaky communist), he introduced the gun referendum. The "yes or no" was part of a public consultation outlined in the Disarmament Statute, a law passed in 2003 aimed at tightening control over gun ownership and carrying in the country.

In the referendum, people across the country were called to the polls to vote on the following:

'Should the sale of firearms and ammunition be prohibited in Brazil?'

The result was that about 64% of voters said 'no,' meaning the majority rejected a total ban on the sale of firearms and ammunition. Only 36% voted in favor of the ban. Even with that result, they went ahead and took guns away from the population, and guess what? Now only criminals have guns, and they even have rifles. With them, up in the favelas, there’s no inspection or seizure of weapons. But for the average citizen who has a gun to defend themselves...

For instance, if a thief breaks into your house and you shoot him in self-defense, you'll still be prosecuted for having a gun in your home (which you shouldn't have). I can’t even explain how absurd this is...

One of the fundamental pillars of a democracy is popular sovereignty, the idea that power comes from the people and political decisions should reflect the will of the majority. When a government calls for a referendum, it is directly appealing to the people to make an important decision. In the case of the 2005 referendum on gun sales in Brazil, the public consultation had a clear result: 64% of Brazilians voted against the prohibition of firearm and ammunition sales. However, the outcome of that vote was not respected.

By holding a referendum, the government signaled that the decision about the future of gun control policy would be in the hands of the people. When the majority voted against the ban, it was expected that the government would respect that decision. And the left talks so much about democracy. Here's a great example of what is NOT democracy!

PS: Whenever I go to a shooting range and there's someone next to me, I'm scared that they might snap and start shooting at me or the people around. The same thing happens when I take the subway, and I stay far from the yellow line because I'm afraid someone might push me. People are crazy.
All I could think about in that moment, right before shooting, wasn't the noise, but that at any moment, they might turn towards us and start shooting at us.

29/08 Chapter 302: I've had enough

Today’s news is that we finished packing all the suitcases, but I couldn’t fill the suitcases as I had planned. I’m returning with only three full of merchandise and our belongings, though I thought I’d return with six. The good side is that I won’t have to pay for extra luggage.

Today, while we were eating my delicious pizza, my favorite pizza from Domino’s (and I dare say, my favorite food in the world), you were playing on the floor of the house, kind of crawling, and suddenly, you fell on top of your little arm. You cried a lot and were holding your little arm, worrying us that you might be in pain. But on the other hand, you’ve done something like this before—I’m not sure if I mentioned it here in the Diary, and I apologize if I’m repeating things since I don’t remember everything I’ve told and might end up telling the same stories again. One day, your cousin pushed you, and you kind of hurt your arm and kept holding your arm for two days straight, almost making us take you to the hospital, but in the end, nothing had happened. This time was the same: after a fall that seemed like no big deal, you kept holding your little arm the whole time, and we even had to give you medicine for the pain because you were crying a lot, which worried us. Let’s see how you wake up tomorrow, and then we’ll decide what to do.

As for your dad and me, we’ve come to the conclusion that there’s really no solution. Today, we argued because we had planned for my father’s brother to pick us up with his van on the way back, as it’s large enough to fit all the suitcases. We could go straight to my parents house to rest and sleep a bit, and then the next day, we’d return to the apartment. But your dad said he didn’t want you to have contact with Rafinha for at least three days after we return, and that’s when the argument started.

For me, there wouldn't be any problem seeing your cousin. We were super excited for you two to meet, exchange gifts, and play together. But then your dad starts talking about sickness and wanting to avoid it... It's hard because he wants to put you in a bubble. He said that since we're flying, the chances of you already being sick are high, and if Rafinha has any kind of virus, it could worsen the situation. But it's very complicated because, for example, in our building, there are kids who play in the playground, and in those days, we’re going to take you there. So, do we have to stay away from those kids too and ask the moms to keep their kids away from you? You can’t raise a child in a bubble—it’s super complicated. Your dad is the type who would even ban you from playing in a ball pit at a kid’s party, for example, for fear that there might be an animal inside or some dirt that could make you sick... You can’t put a child in a bubble like that, where everything is forbidden, where everything could cause harm, where everything could make you sick. Your dad is driving me crazy, and I don’t know how to handle it anymore. He makes me feel like I’m careless, like I don’t take care of you, but that’s not true—I just don’t want to raise you in a bubble. Despite everything we've been through with illnesses and my desperation at almost losing you, I didn’t let that become a deciding factor where I’d treat you like fragile glass and stop you from having a life. Life is meant to be lived, of course with caution, but to live. Living without contact with people, without playing here, without playing there, without going to school is very complicated!

I gave in and said it was fine, that we’d leave you and him in the apartment, and I’d go to my parents’ because I had three suitcases to pack. During the week, I would come and spend a few hours with you and then go back to the countryside, and on the fourth day, I’d bring you there. He says I never give in, but I just did. And it wasn’t the first time I’ve given in—you remember the Mother’s Day cats story, right? I think the one who doesn’t give in here is him.

But I couldn’t handle it. Of course, I won’t be able to leave you in the apartment with him for three days and be without you. I can’t. I need to put you to sleep, I need you in my daily routine. You’re the best part of me, and I’m not going to give that up just to have a big ego and win an argument with your dad. So I decided to stay home, to endure these three days, very sad and upset. But I’ve reached a point where I can’t take fighting anymore; I can’t handle this situation anymore. If each of us goes our separate ways, we’ll raise you the best way we can, each without interfering in the other’s parenting. I believe this will be healthier for you because it’s killing us little by little.

30/08 Chapter 303: It can get hard sometimes

Today was the day everything went downhill. We only had today and tomorrow to enjoy our last two days, and today we had a dinner commitment at Christines' house. But things already started to go wrong when I woke up to a message from her saying we had to meet between 4:00 and 4:30 PM at Christine's. Damn it, for us, that's not dinner, it's more like afternoon tea. But okay, the real problem started when you were still in pain, squeezing your little arm, and to make things worse, you woke up cranky and had a bad cold.

We decided to contact the health insurance to take you to the nearest hospital since we had taken out a personalized insurance plan for you. However, these insurance bureaucracies take quite some time to sort out, and they only sent us the correct information around 3:00 PM. First, they referred us to a clinic that was supposedly already covered, but I said you needed a hospital because you'd need an X-ray on your arm to see if you'd actually injured something, like dislocated a part of your arm. So, they redirected us to the nearest hospital.

I kept updating Camila that we might be late because of what had happened the night before, and we also thought dinner would be later. She said her mother-in-law scheduled it at that time because she likes to host, chat, and offer some snacks before dinner, just like they did with us last year.

When we arrived at the hospital, you started crying a lot. It was really hard during triage because you were crying so much that the whole hospital could hear you. I call it trauma. The nurse asked to check your breathing, took your oxygen levels, but at that moment, you were so nervous that you started breathing poorly again. Crying, just like coughing a lot, tires out your breathing. Your dad was already super nervous and wanted to leave the hospital because he said if we stayed there, you'd cry even more and tire yourself out. I honestly didn’t know what to do either; I wanted to leave because I was sure nothing had happened to your arm, but I didn’t know if we could just walk out after registering you at the hospital.

Soon after, they brought some Tylenol for you and let me administer it because you were so nervous. Then they called us to a ward where you had a bed, and they monitored you. You calmed down a bit because I put on some cartoons on the phone, but soon after, they called you in for the X-ray, and you got nervous again.

I asked the nurse how long it would take for the X-ray results to come out, and she said at least an hour. I started to panic because it was getting later and later... We wouldn’t be able to meet Camila's family, and they had prepared this dinner so lovingly, inviting us a long time ago. Every time you go to the hospital, it's at the wrong time, and when we have something really important scheduled—it’s almost comical.

But to our surprise, the result didn’t take as long as the nurse said. The doctor mentioned that she didn’t see any abnormalities in the X-ray, just as I had suspected. However, she explained that sometimes there’s a small injury in the arm that doesn’t show up, which they, as doctors, can fix with just a small adjustment. And the doctor did just that. You cried very briefly, but I think she was right, because after she made that small twist in your arm, you started using it again. You hadn’t been using your arm for anything, not even to hold the phone with the cartoons I gave you. But now, you were moving your arm and finally using it again, which you hadn’t been able to do before. That little adjustment made all the difference. So, going to the hospital was definitely the right decision, because we don’t know how to reset the arm, and we don’t know how to do that maneuver. So, it was important to finally relieve you from that discomfort.

To give you an idea, $6,000 could buy a regular car in Brazil a few years ago, like a Celta. You weren’t even in the hospital for two hours; imagine if you had needed to be hospitalized.

At Sabará Hospital, where you stayed, if I’m not mistaken, the daily rate was around R$800–900 per day, which is already very expensive. Now, imagine a daily rate for hospitalization in the U.S. These are all things we need to think about carefully before we finally decide to move. Health insurance for all of us is more than necessary—it’s vital!

I rushed out of the hospital as fast as I could. They had already started dinner without us. It was about 22 minutes to Camila’s in-laws’ house from where we were staying, and where your grandparents were staying was around 15 minutes away. But if we had to stop and pick up my parents, it would have taken around 18 minutes, and then to go to Camila’s would take almost an hour. So what I did was order an Uber to pick up your grandparents, and we went straight to Matt’s mom’s house.

We arrived first, and about 20 minutes later, your grandparents showed up with two giant suitcases, already dropping them off at Matt’s mom’s house so that she could have them in her car on the day she takes us to the airport.

After the doctor twisted your little arm, you seemed like a completely different person. It even seemed like you weren’t sick anymore, though that could also be because of the medicine they gave you, which was similar to prednisone. All I know is that when you saw Luca, I’ve never seen you so excited in my life. You were screaming, playing, jumping, literally causing chaos in a house full of strangers. Just having another child around made you feel completely at home. My parents were amazed at how well you were feeling already. You seemed like a completely different child compared to when you woke up; now, at their house, you were happy, radiant. So, I felt relieved and satisfied that we had taken you to the hospital despite the headache and financial scare.

I don’t even need to say that we didn’t stay long, right? We arrived late, and they have a different routine. We ate the burgers Dino prepared, had some brownies that Christine made for dessert, and enjoyed a scoop of ice cream with the brownie. I brought the pecan pie I had promised Dino, and he was very happy with it. After that, we chatted a bit, and Aunt Camila gave you a beautiful Frozen doll. You didn’t pay much attention to it since you’re not that into princesses yet, but I know that in the future you’ll play with it a lot, so I’ll keep it safely stored away for you to enjoy later. 😃

31/08 Chapter 304: This is our place

Today was our last day in the place I love so much. Besides packing our bags, we went to La Jolla Beach one more time to watch the sunset and end our beloved trip on a high note. The beach on the last day was a must.

After the beach, we quickly stopped by the mall, and your dad went to say a quick hello to his former boss. We stayed in the car because you were coughing a lot, and we were all covered in sand.

Right after that, I stopped by Domino's Pizza once more and got my favorite pizza. I love it so much that I almost ate the whole thing by myself this time.

Imagine a pizza with chicken, barbecue sauce, and a crust so thin it feels like puff pastry. That’s my pizza!

I ate it delightfully and quickly went to see Miguel at his hotel to bring the girls’ little gift. He came down to greet me with his daughter Olivia and Dani. We chatted briefly, I gave him a tight hug, and went back home, not emotionally ready to say goodbye to the place I love so much. We're leaving, but this will always be our place!